deathtocapslock | Harry Potter: Abridged! SS/PS Chapter 1

Just a quick intro:

So, I personally love Abridged Series and similar parodies. So, I thought I'd apply the same method to Harry Potter! Hopefully, if this gets enough good reviews I might expand it to other series I've been reading.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerers/Philosopher's Stone Chapter 1!

[enter Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley Dursley, in their home]

Vernon: Hi! We're the Dursleys-

Petunia: Shut up Vernon, I'm the more important one! [to audience] Like my husband was saying, we're the Dursleys! We're the story's token Muggles! Oh, and we hate anything pertaining to magic since my little sister ran away to be a witch! Which makes us so very relatable to the audience, wouldn't you agree?! [holds up baby Dudley] And this is our son Dudley! Isn't he obnoxious! Come on, Dudley! Say hi to the audience!

Dudley: *gurgles and folds arms across chest*

Vernon: Anyway, Petunia, your sister has a son now.

Petunia: I know. He's going to be the main character. And he'll humiliate us.... Just like my baby sister.... Who ran away to be a witch.... And never spoke to me again after she married that wizard.... *bursts out crying*

Vernon: I should be getting to work now, dear.

[On his way to work, Vernon sees a bunch of people in cloaks]

Vernon: There's only one type of person who wears those cloaks, and that's a wizard.

Random wizard: Good news! Our main character has been revealed!

Vernon: Oh, really?

Random wizard: Yes, yes. "Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived."

Vernon: Really? So, this Harry Potter, is he some sort of Christ figure who's going to bring us world peace and save all the endangered species?

Random wizard: Naw, he's just going to defeat an evil wizard you would have no reason to care about if he didn't occasionally kill Muggles like you.

Vernon: *sarcastic* How... nice....

[later that night, once the Dursleys are all in bed, McGonagall watches the house]

McGonagall: *as cat* Oh, the wind bites shrewdly.

[enter Dumbledore]

Dumbledore: Hi, Professor McGonagall!

McGonagall: *changes into witch* Hello.

Dumbledore: Now, pause while I put out the lights so no one will notice we're here! *puts out lights with magical cigarette lighter* There we are!

McGonagall: Could you speak a little quieter?

Dumbledore: Whatever. So, Harry's parents have been killed and he needs to be sent to the Dursleys' house where he'll be abused, I mean raised, until he turns eleven! Then he can come to Hogwarts!

McGonagall: You really want to leave an innocent child to be abused by his two-dimensional aunt and uncle?

Dumbledore: Silence you fool! everyone knows Muggle guardians only exist to cause the hero angst.

McGonagall: But they might abuse him so badly he requires therapy to have any hope of interacting with other people! He may go on to abuse his fellow students or future families, or... he may become... *gasps* a Jerkass Gary Stu! *shrieks in horror*

Dumbledore: Silence! Little Harry Potter has survived this far, he must be blessed!

McGonagall: Well, I'm a doormat, so....

[enter Hagrid, carrying baby Harry]

Hagrid: Hi!

Dumbledore: Aah, Hagrid! Just in time! Why don't you leave the baby on that doorstep right there! *points to the Dursleys' porch*

Hagrid: But I don't want to wake anyone up- they might suspect something.

Dumbledore: Don't wake him up, just leave him there.

Hagrid: You seriously want to leave a baby lying on a doorstep all night?

Dumbledore: Yeah, pretty much.

Hagrid: But what if he crawls off into the night?

Dumbledore: Don't argue.

Hagrid: What if a raccoon comes along, and-

Dumbledore: He stays on the porch. Don't worry, he's so lazy he'll never even dream of waking up.

Hagrid: Well... I'm an arse-kisser to Dumbledore so... okay. [places Harry on doorstep]

Dumbledore: [places letter on Harry] This should explain everything. I can't imagine what could possibly go wrong.

[next morning, Petunia opens the door]

Petunia: Oh, look, a baby. [picks up Baby Harry] And he has a letter. [reads letter] My sister is dead. This is her son. *shrugs* I guess I'd better take him in, then. Something doesn't feel right about this but whatever....