Harry Potter Abridged! SS/PS Chapter 2

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[Fast forward ten years to find the preteen Harry, now living in with the Dursleys in a cupboard. As usual, Harry is being tormented.]

Dudley: [jumping on stairs above Harry] Harry! Wake up! It's time for your daily torments to begin!

Harry: Gimme a break! [gets up and goes to kitchen]

Dudley: [behind Harry] Guess what, Harry, today's my birthday! And that means I get to torment you even more than usual!

Harry: *groans* Why?!

Vernon: Harry, cook breakfast now!

Harry: Yes, Uncle Vernon. [makes eggs] This is foreshadowing for Book 7, when I have to prepare camp meals.... Oh, wait.... Never mind, then.

[Meanwhile, Dudley goes to admire his presents/.]

Dudley: How many are there?

Vernon: Thirty-six.

Dudley: Thirty-six?! But last year I had thirty-seven!

Vernon: Does one present really make that much difference?

Dudley: Ah... whose job is it to make me look disgustingly spoilt?

Vernon and Petunia: Ours.

Petunia: I guess we can buy you a couple of new ones at the zoo today. Harry, come with us.

Harry: Oh, pur-leeeeeeeeaze....

Harry: ...But... aren't you going to send me to Mrs. Figg the crazy cat lady who smells like cabbage?

Petunia: No, this zoo is where plot-relevant things happen. We can't afford to let you miss out!

Harry: ...Okay.

[the Dursleys and Harry go to the zoo]

Harry: Hey, this isn't so bad. I'm actually getting food. And these animals sure are cute!

[They go into the Reptile House]

Harry: Wow snakes! Snakes are so scary and evil-looking. But they look so sad! Still evil, though. Oh, well. *approaches a really big snake* Hello, Evil Snakey. Please don't eat me.

Snake: Hi!

Harry: *starry-eyed* Wow, a talking snake!

Dudley: No, no, Harry, the punchline is "Wow, a talking muffin!"

Harry: No, a real talking snake!

Dudley: Oh, so now you can talk to snakes?!

Harry: I... suppose I can!

Vernon: Harry, stop staring at that snake, it'll eat you.

[exhibit glass vanishes]

[Snake slithers out of the exhibit and Dudley falls in]

Snake: Thanksssss! Now I sssssshall go to my home, which isssssssss either in SSSSSSSSSouth America or Asssssssia depending on which verssssssion of this ssssseriessss you are paying attention to.

Harry:  Yay, I saved Snakey! Now you will surely have no trouble making your way through the streets of London, or hitching a ride on a boat or a plane to take you halfway across the world! It's not like you could get confiscated or eaten or anything! You can go back to your happy evil snake family now!

Snake: I take offensssssse to that lassssssst one.

Harry: Sorry!

[snake slithers outside]

[Meanwhile, Dudley is trapped in the exhibit]

Dudley: Help! I'm stuck in a snake exhibit with no snake!  This is the worst birthday ever! *sulks and pouts*

Vernon: That's it, Harry! You're grounded!

Harry: But I didn't do anything! *cries* Don't hate me because I'm magical and I ruined your son's birthday and make your life a living hell!

Dudley: Why do you have to be such a freak all the time?!

Harry: But I'm not a freak! I'm special!

Dudley: *wags finger* You're a freak, you're a freak, you're a freak, you're a freak, you're a freak!

Harry: Why does everyone hate me? *cries some more*

THE END

Stay tuned for next time, when the REAL magic begins!!