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deathtocapslock2011-01-24 07:50 pm
Harry Potter Abridged! SS/PS Chapter 3
Chapter 3 is here!
[So, business continues as usual for awhile in the Dursleys’ household]
Vernon: You’re a freak!
Dudley: I’m bullying you!
Harry: *cries*
[Dudley gets a new school uniform.]
Dudley: I’m going to be going to a private school next autumn! Not like you! *sticks tongue out at Harry*
Harry: Yeah! Well… who needs private school anyway?! I’m the main character; I’ll get by on pure heart!
Dudley: Our uniform even comes with sticks to whack one another with when the teacher isn’t looking!
Harry: *sweatdrops*
[One day Harry finds a letter addressed to him among the mail]
Harry: *starry-eyed* Ooh, a letter! This is so new and exciting! *reads* Somehow this person even knows that I live under the cupboard. That seems sorta creepy for some reason but whatever. *hugs letter*
Dudley: Hey, that’s my letter! *snatches*
Harry: Hey, give that back, I never get letters!
Dudley: Exactly!
Vernon: What’s going on here?
Dudley: I got a letter!
Harry: No, I got a letter!
Vernon: Whatever, give me the letter. *snatches letter and reads it* Wow, this person even knows that you sleep under the cupboard. This is seriously creepy, Harry.
Harry: No it’s not! It’s my letter!
Vernon: Yeah, whatever. *throws letter in trash*
Harry: *cries*
[Yet the next day, several more letters addressed to Harry appear in the mail.]
Harry: Yay! More letters for me!
Vernon: Not so fast, monsieur! *throws letters in fire and boards up mail slot*
Harry: But don’t you think that if you gave me a letter they would stop coming?
Vernon: No, you don’t understand, these are annoyingly creepy, stalkerish, magic letters; we can’t allow you to be taken in. They’ll turn you into a Psychopathic Manchild!
Harry: At least that would be better than you!
Vernon: Damn you!
[Fortunately for Harry, that night he’s moved out of the cupboard and gets his own room!]
Harry: Why are you being so nice to me?
Petunia: Oh… we just don’t want whoever’s sending us the letters to accuse us of abusing you….
[On Sunday, the Dursleys and Harry are sitting down to breakfast]
Vernon: It is now Sunday there will surely be no more creepy-stalker letters being sent around. Rejoice, everyone.
Harry: Why must you rub it in?!
[Just then, letters start spilling in through the chimney and every opening leading outside.]
Harry: Yayayay! Magic letters!
Vernon and Petunia: *Scream in horror and cower like anime characters*
Harry: So… now can I have a letter?
Vernon: No, we’re going to run away from here where there isn’t a single chance a stalker who knows where you sleep every night will find you!
[And with that, they pull out for the rock where the next chapter will find them.]
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LOL.
The Dursleys are not very smart here.
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