Harry Potter Abridged! SS/PS Chapter 3

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Chapter 3 is here!

 

[So, business continues as usual for awhile in the Dursleys’ household]

Vernon: You’re a freak!

Dudley: I’m bullying you!

Harry: *cries*

[Dudley gets a new school uniform.]

Dudley: I’m going to be going to a private school next autumn! Not like you! *sticks tongue out at Harry*

Harry: Yeah! Well… who needs private school anyway?! I’m the main character; I’ll get by on pure heart!

Dudley: Our uniform even comes with sticks to whack one another with when the teacher isn’t looking!

Harry: *sweatdrops*

[One day Harry finds a letter addressed to him among the mail]

Harry: *starry-eyed* Ooh, a letter! This is so new and exciting! *reads* Somehow this person even knows that I live under the cupboard. That seems sorta creepy for some reason but whatever. *hugs letter*

Dudley: Hey, that’s my letter! *snatches*

Harry: Hey, give that back, I never get letters!

Dudley: Exactly!

Vernon: What’s going on here?

Dudley: I got a letter!

Harry: No, I got a letter!

Vernon: Whatever, give me the letter. *snatches letter and reads it* Wow, this person even knows that you sleep under the cupboard. This is seriously creepy, Harry.

Harry: No it’s not! It’s my letter!

Vernon: Yeah, whatever. *throws letter in trash*

Harry: *cries*

[Yet the next day, several more letters addressed to Harry appear in the mail.]

Harry: Yay! More letters for me!

Vernon: Not so fast, monsieur! *throws letters in fire and boards up mail slot*

Harry: But don’t you think that if you gave me a letter they would stop coming?

Vernon: No, you don’t understand, these are annoyingly creepy, stalkerish, magic letters; we can’t allow you to be taken in. They’ll turn you into a Psychopathic Manchild!

Harry: At least that would be better than you!

Vernon: Damn you!

[Fortunately for Harry, that night he’s moved out of the cupboard and gets his own room!]

Harry: Why are you being so nice to me?

Petunia: Oh… we just don’t want whoever’s sending us the letters to accuse us of abusing you….

 [On Sunday, the Dursleys and Harry are sitting down to breakfast]

Vernon: It is now Sunday there will surely be no more creepy-stalker letters being sent around. Rejoice, everyone.

Harry: Why must you rub it in?!

[Just then, letters start spilling in through the chimney and every opening leading outside.]

Harry: Yayayay! Magic letters!

Vernon and Petunia: *Scream in horror and cower like anime characters*

Harry: So… now can I have a letter?

Vernon: No, we’re going to run away from here where there isn’t a single chance a stalker who knows where you sleep every night will find you!

[And with that, they pull out for the rock where the next chapter will find them.]

 

Comments

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

Vernon: No, we’re going to run away from here where there isn’t a single chance a stalker who knows where you sleep every night will find you!

LOL.

The Dursleys are not very smart here.

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

They were never very smart to begin with. That's sort of the point here- the characters pointing out what's stupid.

[600ants.livejournal.com]

And it's totally working! :) Like with the letters – I can see the Dursleys trying to prevent him from reading the first one, but when they obviously didn't mean to stop coming.... what harm in letting him read one and tell him that either it is someone's joke (I would believe it if I were Harry) or that he simply isn't going?