deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! SS/PS Chapter 4

[At the start of this chapter, Harry and the Dursleys (that sounds like the name of a band, doesn't it?) are sleeping in a shack, on a rock, in the middle of the ocean. Or something.]

Dudley: It's so cold and dark here.

Harry: Now you know what it's like to have a crappy bedroom!

[Just then, Hagrid enters!]

Hagrid: *breaks down door* Hi!

Vernon: Go away, you huge man! Before I shoot you with my gun! *holds up gun* Not that I know exactly how I got this, living in England and all, but still.... RAWR!

Hagrid: Oh, no, it's hug time! *Hugs Uncle Vernon, crushing the gun in the process*

Vernon: I'm being hugged by a huge crazy man!

Harry and Dudley: *LOL*

Hagrid [turns to Dudley] Harry, is that you? You've gotten fat!

Dudley and Harry: *sweatdrop*

Dudley: I'm not Harry.

Harry: I am.

Hagrid: Harry... you're a wizard!

Harry: I'm a... what?!

Hagrid: A wizard! Obviously!

Harry: A wizard, huh...? Well, I did talk to a snake and vanish a glass case and get a bunch of letters flooding my house so... sure!

Hagrid: Oh, by the way, I brought you birthday cake! And a letter!

Harry: Yay, my first birthday cake in... forever!

[Harry puts the cake down on a table in the back where Dudley goes after it. He then reads the letter.]

Vernon: No fair! Harry, you're not supposed to know about magic!

Harry: Wait... how do you know?!

Petunia: You see, my sister, your mother, was a witch. She was a brat who liked turning my teacups into rats, but my parents kissed up to her because that's apparently how you're supposed to treat magical people. *rolls eyes* And then she got herself killed and... and I've had to take care of you.... *bursts into tears*

Harry: What do you mean, she got herself killed? I thought she and my dad died in a car crash.

Hagrid: A car crash? What stories have they been telling you, you poor child. Your parents were killed by an evil psychopathic wizard named, well, You-Know-Who is what losers like me call him most of the time... but his real name was... *shudder* Voldemort.

Harry: Why are you so afraid to say his name?

Hagrid: Nobody really knows. People are afraid, but there is speculation it's bad luck. It probably isn't, though, we're just too afraid of him.

Harry: You mean not all wizards are good?

Hagrid: No. Sad to say. *lightens up* Anyway, won't you come to the great magic school Hogwarts and learn from the best teachers including Albus Dumbledore, the cult-leader god I hero-worship like a dog... I mean, the greatest wizard of all time?

Harry: Hell yeah, that sounds so cool!

Vernon: Hey, you can't just barge in and take him away from us!

Hagrid: Actually, I can because you're just a Muggle and Harry and I are the infinitely superior wizards here.

Harry: What's a Muggle?

Hagrid: Oh, a nonmagic person. You see, Harry, when someone's different from you it helps to come up with a catch-all expression, or slur, to describe them.

Harry: "Muggle" sounds like those names I'm not allowed to repeat because they're extremely foul language.

Hagrid: It... well..., that... that's an accident, I swear, it's just a funny word! Just go with it!

Petunia: No, not Dumbledore!

Vernon: Now wait just a minute here, Hargrid! I have a feeling Dumbledore is some sort of jerkass Gary Stu who's going to start a cult with Harry at its centre the first chance he gets.

Hagrid: How dare you call Dumbledore anything less than noble! *sniffles*

[Hagrid looks around the room to see Dudley eating Harry's cake. Hagrid pulls out his umbrella and gives Dudley a pig's tail]

Dudley: WAAAAAAAAAAH! I've got an ugly pig's tail!

Petunia: A pig's tail? What is this, One Hundred Years of Solitude?!

Dudley: Oh, get it off! Get it off!

Harry: Something doesn't feel very nice about that.

Hagrid: Hey cheer up Harry, there's plenty more Muggle torture where that came from!

Harry: Well... that doesn't sound too good but whatever. I'm not a Muggle. I'm a wizard!

Hagrid: Let's go get your school supplies so we can head off to Hogwarts!

Harry: Yay!

[Hagrid and Harry ride off into the night, while the Dursleys look on in horror.]

A/N: Yes, I know in the original Hagrid simply destroys Vernon's gun, but I thought that Hagrid's decision to hug Vernon was funnier and more of a surprise. Besides, it was a good excuse to reference the anime "Hetalia," which is good service for parody.