Harry Potter Abridged! SS/PS Chapter 4
Jan. 25th, 2011 11:01 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[At the start of this chapter, Harry and the Dursleys (that sounds like the name of a band, doesn't it?) are sleeping in a shack, on a rock, in the middle of the ocean. Or something.]
Dudley: It's so cold and dark here.
Harry: Now you know what it's like to have a crappy bedroom!
[Just then, Hagrid enters!]
Hagrid: *breaks down door* Hi!
Vernon: Go away, you huge man! Before I shoot you with my gun! *holds up gun* Not that I know exactly how I got this, living in England and all, but still.... RAWR!
Hagrid: Oh, no, it's hug time! *Hugs Uncle Vernon, crushing the gun in the process*
Vernon: I'm being hugged by a huge crazy man!
Harry and Dudley: *LOL*
Hagrid [turns to Dudley] Harry, is that you? You've gotten fat!
Dudley and Harry: *sweatdrop*
Dudley: I'm not Harry.
Harry: I am.
Hagrid: Harry... you're a wizard!
Harry: I'm a... what?!
Hagrid: A wizard! Obviously!
Harry: A wizard, huh...? Well, I did talk to a snake and vanish a glass case and get a bunch of letters flooding my house so... sure!
Hagrid: Oh, by the way, I brought you birthday cake! And a letter!
Harry: Yay, my first birthday cake in... forever!
[Harry puts the cake down on a table in the back where Dudley goes after it. He then reads the letter.]
Vernon: No fair! Harry, you're not supposed to know about magic!
Harry: Wait... how do you know?!
Petunia: You see, my sister, your mother, was a witch. She was a brat who liked turning my teacups into rats, but my parents kissed up to her because that's apparently how you're supposed to treat magical people. *rolls eyes* And then she got herself killed and... and I've had to take care of you.... *bursts into tears*
Harry: What do you mean, she got herself killed? I thought she and my dad died in a car crash.
Hagrid: A car crash? What stories have they been telling you, you poor child. Your parents were killed by an evil psychopathic wizard named, well, You-Know-Who is what losers like me call him most of the time... but his real name was... *shudder* Voldemort.
Harry: Why are you so afraid to say his name?
Hagrid: Nobody really knows. People are afraid, but there is speculation it's bad luck. It probably isn't, though, we're just too afraid of him.
Harry: You mean not all wizards are good?
Hagrid: No. Sad to say. *lightens up* Anyway, won't you come to the great magic school Hogwarts and learn from the best teachers including Albus Dumbledore, the cult-leader god I hero-worship like a dog... I mean, the greatest wizard of all time?
Harry: Hell yeah, that sounds so cool!
Vernon: Hey, you can't just barge in and take him away from us!
Hagrid: Actually, I can because you're just a Muggle and Harry and I are the infinitely superior wizards here.
Harry: What's a Muggle?
Hagrid: Oh, a nonmagic person. You see, Harry, when someone's different from you it helps to come up with a catch-all expression, or slur, to describe them.
Harry: "Muggle" sounds like those names I'm not allowed to repeat because they're extremely foul language.
Hagrid: It... well..., that... that's an accident, I swear, it's just a funny word! Just go with it!
Petunia: No, not Dumbledore!
Vernon: Now wait just a minute here, Hargrid! I have a feeling Dumbledore is some sort of jerkass Gary Stu who's going to start a cult with Harry at its centre the first chance he gets.
Hagrid: How dare you call Dumbledore anything less than noble! *sniffles*
[Hagrid looks around the room to see Dudley eating Harry's cake. Hagrid pulls out his umbrella and gives Dudley a pig's tail]
Dudley: WAAAAAAAAAAH! I've got an ugly pig's tail!
Petunia: A pig's tail? What is this, One Hundred Years of Solitude?!
Dudley: Oh, get it off! Get it off!
Harry: Something doesn't feel very nice about that.
Hagrid: Hey cheer up Harry, there's plenty more Muggle torture where that came from!
Harry: Well... that doesn't sound too good but whatever. I'm not a Muggle. I'm a wizard!
Hagrid: Let's go get your school supplies so we can head off to Hogwarts!
Harry: Yay!
[Hagrid and Harry ride off into the night, while the Dursleys look on in horror.]
A/N: Yes, I know in the original Hagrid simply destroys Vernon's gun, but I thought that Hagrid's decision to hug Vernon was funnier and more of a surprise. Besides, it was a good excuse to reference the anime "Hetalia," which is good service for parody.
Dudley: It's so cold and dark here.
Harry: Now you know what it's like to have a crappy bedroom!
[Just then, Hagrid enters!]
Hagrid: *breaks down door* Hi!
Vernon: Go away, you huge man! Before I shoot you with my gun! *holds up gun* Not that I know exactly how I got this, living in England and all, but still.... RAWR!
Hagrid: Oh, no, it's hug time! *Hugs Uncle Vernon, crushing the gun in the process*
Vernon: I'm being hugged by a huge crazy man!
Harry and Dudley: *LOL*
Hagrid [turns to Dudley] Harry, is that you? You've gotten fat!
Dudley and Harry: *sweatdrop*
Dudley: I'm not Harry.
Harry: I am.
Hagrid: Harry... you're a wizard!
Harry: I'm a... what?!
Hagrid: A wizard! Obviously!
Harry: A wizard, huh...? Well, I did talk to a snake and vanish a glass case and get a bunch of letters flooding my house so... sure!
Hagrid: Oh, by the way, I brought you birthday cake! And a letter!
Harry: Yay, my first birthday cake in... forever!
[Harry puts the cake down on a table in the back where Dudley goes after it. He then reads the letter.]
Vernon: No fair! Harry, you're not supposed to know about magic!
Harry: Wait... how do you know?!
Petunia: You see, my sister, your mother, was a witch. She was a brat who liked turning my teacups into rats, but my parents kissed up to her because that's apparently how you're supposed to treat magical people. *rolls eyes* And then she got herself killed and... and I've had to take care of you.... *bursts into tears*
Harry: What do you mean, she got herself killed? I thought she and my dad died in a car crash.
Hagrid: A car crash? What stories have they been telling you, you poor child. Your parents were killed by an evil psychopathic wizard named, well, You-Know-Who is what losers like me call him most of the time... but his real name was... *shudder* Voldemort.
Harry: Why are you so afraid to say his name?
Hagrid: Nobody really knows. People are afraid, but there is speculation it's bad luck. It probably isn't, though, we're just too afraid of him.
Harry: You mean not all wizards are good?
Hagrid: No. Sad to say. *lightens up* Anyway, won't you come to the great magic school Hogwarts and learn from the best teachers including Albus Dumbledore, the cult-leader god I hero-worship like a dog... I mean, the greatest wizard of all time?
Harry: Hell yeah, that sounds so cool!
Vernon: Hey, you can't just barge in and take him away from us!
Hagrid: Actually, I can because you're just a Muggle and Harry and I are the infinitely superior wizards here.
Harry: What's a Muggle?
Hagrid: Oh, a nonmagic person. You see, Harry, when someone's different from you it helps to come up with a catch-all expression, or slur, to describe them.
Harry: "Muggle" sounds like those names I'm not allowed to repeat because they're extremely foul language.
Hagrid: It... well..., that... that's an accident, I swear, it's just a funny word! Just go with it!
Petunia: No, not Dumbledore!
Vernon: Now wait just a minute here, Hargrid! I have a feeling Dumbledore is some sort of jerkass Gary Stu who's going to start a cult with Harry at its centre the first chance he gets.
Hagrid: How dare you call Dumbledore anything less than noble! *sniffles*
[Hagrid looks around the room to see Dudley eating Harry's cake. Hagrid pulls out his umbrella and gives Dudley a pig's tail]
Dudley: WAAAAAAAAAAH! I've got an ugly pig's tail!
Petunia: A pig's tail? What is this, One Hundred Years of Solitude?!
Dudley: Oh, get it off! Get it off!
Harry: Something doesn't feel very nice about that.
Hagrid: Hey cheer up Harry, there's plenty more Muggle torture where that came from!
Harry: Well... that doesn't sound too good but whatever. I'm not a Muggle. I'm a wizard!
Hagrid: Let's go get your school supplies so we can head off to Hogwarts!
Harry: Yay!
[Hagrid and Harry ride off into the night, while the Dursleys look on in horror.]
A/N: Yes, I know in the original Hagrid simply destroys Vernon's gun, but I thought that Hagrid's decision to hug Vernon was funnier and more of a surprise. Besides, it was a good excuse to reference the anime "Hetalia," which is good service for parody.
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Date: 2011-01-28 12:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-28 01:34 am (UTC)Other stuff: In the PS Potions class - in the book he addresses Harry specifically, so ignoring Hermione's repeated attempts to volunteer an answer makes sense, while in the movie he addresses the entire class, ignores Hermione and pretends nobody knows the answer.
And of course there's the slapping of Harry and Ron in GOF - canon!Severus does not get physical with students unless very extremely provoked.