Harry Potter Abridged! SS/PS Chapter 5

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

 

[Hagrid and Harry leave the island on a boat, and head for the London underground.]

Hagrid: Pray tell, what is this strange contraption?

Harry: That’s a parking meter.

Hagrid: Aah, a parking meter! Yes, very interesting. I wonder how these Muggles get by without magic.

Harry: They do it by being smart!

[Finally, Harry and Hagrid arrive at the Leaky Cauldron.]

Professor Quirrell: Hi!

Harry: Who are you?

Professor Quirrell: I’m y-your D-d-defense Against the D-d-ark Arts t-t-teacher. I h-have a r-r-eally annoying st-t-tutter that will m-magically d-d-disappear at a c-crucial moment. N-not to give anything away….

Hagrid: Yeah, always a pleasure. Now, let’s go to Diagon Alley!

Harry: You mean… like “diagonally?”

Hagrid: Sure, if you want. [Taps entrance to Diagon Alley.]

[The two of them enter the alley together.]

Harry: Wow! Look at all these things! But… how am I supposed to pay for everything?

Hagrid: Don’t worry, Harry, not only are you the innately talented Messiah, you’re also rich!

Harry: Wow, really?!

Hagrid: Yeah, you need money to spend on all those frivolities main characters always seem to have whenever they want them.

Harry: Coolness!

Hagrid: We’ll want to go to Gringotts, the safest bank around.

Harry: That’s great! What makes it so safe?!

Hagrid: Oh, it’s guarded by a dragon and such.

Harry: Awesome!

Hagrid: I want a pet dragon. I’m actually an incredibly dangerous man because I like incredibly dangerous animals and will never try to protect you from them.

[Hagrid and Harry go to Gringotts.]

Harry: Who are all the people working in Gringotts?

Hagrid: They’re Goblins. Potential anti-Semitic stereotypes who seem to have a great plot importance but end up just kind of being stuffed into the background in favor of whatever the Wizards are doing.

Harry: Okay….

Griphook: Hi!

Hagrid: Mr. Potter would like to make a withdrawal.

Griphook: And does Mr. Potter have his key?

[Hagrid hands over the key.]

Hagrid: Oh, by the way, I also need you to go to Volt 713 to pick up a MacGuffin, if you don’t mind terribly.

Griphook: Hey, I’m a goblin-producing MacGuffins is my middle name!

[So Harry, Hagrid, and Griphook go down to the vaults.]

Harry: Wow, look at all this gold! Those piles must be as tall as you, Hargirid!

Hagrid: *rolls eyes at mispronunciation of his name* Yes, isn’t it amazing.

[Then the three of them go to Vault 713, where Griphook hands the MacGuffin over to Hagrid.]

Harry: What’s that?

Hagrid: A plot device of great importance, which you will therefore learn about when the time comes.

Harry: And when will that be?

Hagrid: Oh, by around the end of the book.

Harry: Awwww….

[Harry and Hagrid go out to buy Harry some new robes.]

Draco: Hi!

Harry: Oh, hello there. Are you a Hogwarts student too? [aside] I feel a strange attraction to this boy.

Draco: Yeah. My name’s Draco.

Harry: That name sounds kind of evil.

Draco: Yeah, whatever, I think it’s badass and awesome. So, you want to play Quidditch?

Harry: What?

Draco: Oh, you’re a Muggleborn. Okay, so Quidditch is a game played on broomsticks with a bunch of balls. You’ll learn more about that later. Anyway, what house do you want to be in?

Harry: House?

Draco: There’s four of them. The only really bad house is Hufflepuff, that’s the one the cannon fodder’s in. I’m not going there!

Harry: You know, I’ll be sure to ask Hagrid about that.

Draco: Bah, Hagrid is a stupid moron who thinks dangerous animals are cute. Don’t believe a word he says.

Harry: Gee, he seems harmless enough….

Hagrid: [from outside] Harry, do you have your robe yet?!

Harry:  Coming! [to Draco] I don’t like you. [Takes robe and leaves]

Hagrid: So, who were you just talking to?

Harry: This kid named Draco. He mentioned something about school Houses?

Hagrid: Ah, yes, school Houses. Well, there’s four Houses, basically, Gryffindor house is god, because that was the house Dumbledore was in and I live to grovel before Dumbledore. Hufflepuff is my old house and basically a breeding ground for Redshirts, Ravenclaw is a bunch of snooty intellectuals who never really say or do anything ever, and Slyterins are all cowardly or evil or sissies or some combination of the three. And I hate them because Dumbledore does. Oh, and Moldyshorts was a Slytherin.

Harry: Gee, I guess I should be a Gryffindor then.

[They buy several more supplies. Harry stops by a broomstick store.]

Harry: Wow, that broom looks cool!

Hagrid: Isn’t it, though?

Harry: I want it!

Hagrid: Well, you are the main character, so if you want it you’ll probably get it sooner or later anyway.

Harry: Okay…. I still need a wand.

Hagrid: You’ll want Ollivander’s store. While you go and get your wand I’ll get you a pet owl.

Harry: Okay!

[Harry goes into Ollivander’s shop]

Ollivander: Hello, Harry Potter! Come to get your super-special-awesome Chosen One wand?

Harry: Why yes I am!

Ollivander: Here, try this one. [picks up a random wand.] Careful, though, in wandlore logic is only secondary to whatever you want to do.

[Harry waves wand, and stuff flies all over the store.]

Ollivander: No, that won’t do. Here. [Hands over another wand]

Harry: Okay! [Harry waves wand, and more stuff flies all over the store.]

Ollivander: No, that won’t do either. Now, where did I put that…? [looks in back] Aha! I found your super Chosen One wand! A nice phoenix- feather and holly wand!

Harry: That’s cool, but what’s so special about it?

Ollivander: the phoenix feather in this wand came from the same phoenix as Voldiecakes uses in his wand.

Harry: Okay. I wonder if that will have some sort of plot-related significance.

Ollivander: Oh, probably. You are the main character, after all.

Hagrid: Hi! I got your owl, Harry!

Harry: Cool!

Hagrid: She’s a snowy owl. Scientific name Nyctea scandiaca. Very cute, fluffy, and stupid, just like all owls. Yet she’ll magically deliver your mail.

Harry: Yay, cute little owley is mine now!

Hagrid: You’ll have to think of a name for her.

Harry: I know! I’ll call her Hedwig! Yeah! *to Hedwig* How’s my little Hedwig?! How’s my little Hedwig?! My little girl…?!

Hedwig: *hides face in wing*

[Before Hagrid leaves Harry, he takes him back to the Dursleys and gives him a ticket to Hogwarts.]

Harry: Wow, this’ll be so much more awesome than being a Muggle!

 

Comments

[madderbrad.livejournal.com]

Hagrid: We’ll want to go to Gringotts, the safest bank around.

Harry: That’s great! What makes it so safe?!

Hagrid: It's the only bank around!!