Harry Potter Abridged! SS/PS Chapter 8!!

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Apologies for my lack of updates, but I’ve been very busy.

Snape is here! Get excited, everyone!

 

Harry: So, now it’s time for class. And to get to all my classes I have to navigate a series of stairways that move. Isn’t this just so cool?

[Harry and Ron go to Herbology]

Professor Sprout: Hi! I’m going to be your Herbology teacher for this series! I am a miss nosy parker type who serves a minor role in the second book but otherwise I don’t really say or do anything ever, because I am the Hufflepuff Head of House! Oh, and I’ll be having you handle extremely dangerous plants by the time you are fourteen! But I like Neville!

Neville: Hi! *googly eyes* You’re the only one who knows my name isn’t actually Navel!

Sprout: Well, you need a niche somewhere, or you’ll end up a complete loser!

[After Herbology, Harry and Ron go to Transfigurarion]

Professor McGonagall: Hello, everybody! My name is Professor McGonagall and I am the head of Gryffindor House! Harry Potter, that means you! So I can turn myself into a cat and be stern, but I’m actually not nearly as powerful as the narrative insists I am because I iz a wimin!

Harry: Wow, I respect Professor McGonagall so much! *eyes shimmer*

Ron: She’s not that great.

[And thus concludes Harry’s first day of classes. The next morning…]

Harry: Hey, look, our owls are delivering our mail!

Ron: Uh, yeah….

Harry: But I thought owls were really stupid.

Ron: Seriously? These are magical owls, they can do anything!

[Harry and Ron go to Potions] *Side note: It begins:D*

Professor Snape: [chants as he walks] Snape, Snape, Severus Snape….

Slyterins: [chanting] Snape, Snape, Severus Snape….

Snape: [sings “I Am the Very Model of an Anti Hero Archetype”]

Muggleborn Slytherins*: [sing the harmony to “I Am the Very Model of an Anti Hero Archetype”]

Draco and Gryffindors: D:

Snape: Now then… [stern] there will be no foolish—

Gryffindors: BOOOOOOOOO!

Snape: *glares*--wand-waving—

Gryffindors: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Snape: *groans*-- Or silly incantations—

Gryffindors: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Snape: *speaking through clenched teeth* in this class…!

Gryffindors: BOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU SUUUUUUUUUCK!

Snape: But as I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted…! *glares at Gryffindors* I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death!

Draco: *Drools*

Harry: Wow, this man is really mean!

Snape: Aah, Mr. Potter, our new celebrity.

Harry: Noooooo! Hide me!

Snape: Let’s see how smart you are. Mr. Potter, tell me, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

Hermione: [shoots hand up in the air and waves it around]

Harry: …

Snape: You don’t know? Okay, let’s try another one. Where would you look if I told you to find a bezoar?

Hermione: Pick me, Professor! Pick me!

Harry: … [To self] Maybe if I keep quiet he’ll ask her instead]

Snape: [seeking patience] Alright, we’ll try another one. Mr. Potter, what is the difference between Monkshood and Wolfbane?

Hermione: Oh, oh, Professor! Professor! Pick me! Pick me, Professor!

Harry: … *bursts into tears* I don’t know! Why would I care about some stupid flowers anyway?! They’re unmanly!

Snape: [To self] This moron is the one everyone’s counting on? [To Harry] Pity. Clearly, fame isn’t everything.

Harry: No Fair! If Hermione knows the answer to the questions why not ask her?!

Snape: I posed the questions to you, not to the entire class.

Harry: B-but… but… I was raised by Muggles, how could you expect me to know that on the first day of class you jerkface?!

Snape: That last question I asked you could have been answered by a Muggle.

Harry: *makes like Romano from 2:16-2:22*

 

Snape: *sigh* I’m surrounded by jackasses and morons!

[After class, Harry and Ron go down to Hagrid’s hut]

Harry: I totally need a nice pliable adult to comfort me after my run-in with that jerkfacey jerkassy jerk Snape!

Hagrid: Hello, you two! Would you like tea?!

Harry: Ah… sure…. Listen, Hagrid? I have Professor Snape and he’s really, really mean!

Hagrid: Oh, really? Well, such is the way of these things. Wait a couple of years until I become a teacher!

Harry: Wow, you’re going to teach?!

Hagrid: Yes, but I won’t be good at it. You’re in for a rough time, you two. Here, have some tea and cakes. I’m a dumbass, remember? [Hands Harry and Ron tea and food]

Ron: [To Harry] These are awful. Do you think we have the heart to tell him so?

Harry: Naw, why? It’s not like coddling our friends is going to get us in trouble later!

 

*A/N: I though it only fitting that, since Pirates of Penzance is a Muggle play, only the Muggleborn Wizards would know about the Major General’s song. So, there you have it! The parody is not mine, and I do not deserve any credit for it (only for using it to be funny:P).

Comments

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Neville: Hi! *googly eyes* You’re the only one who knows my name isn’t actually Navel!/

*snorts in laughter* Ah, poor Neville.

/Professor Snape: [chants as he walks] Snape, Snape, Severus Snape…./

Now I'm imagining Snape chanting that while doing his little prancing dance that he did in "A Very Potter Sequel," the one during the song, "Hermione Can't Draw." XD

/Harry: Naw, why? It’s not like coddling our friends is going to get us in trouble later!/

It's funny that Harry, Ron, and Hermione have no qualms about criticizing each other, but somehow they're all wary of correcting Hagrid, like he's a big, naive child who can't handle criticism. Why is that?

[seductivedark.livejournal.com]

Because he's a big, naive child who can't handle criticism. And, no one's taught them the "Bumbershootus" spell to turn their wands into umbrellas once he starts crying.

[charlottehywd.livejournal.com]

Man, this is so true. I remember how much I used to like Hagrid, but as an adult it seems strange that anybody could be that childish and immature (especially related to the dangerous animals that he keeps insisting are harmless. I'm kind of surprised he hasn't gotten eaten by a dragon or something yet)