Harry Potter Abridged! SS/PS Chapter 8!!

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Apologies for my lack of updates, but I’ve been very busy.

Snape is here! Get excited, everyone!

 

Harry: So, now it’s time for class. And to get to all my classes I have to navigate a series of stairways that move. Isn’t this just so cool?

[Harry and Ron go to Herbology]

Professor Sprout: Hi! I’m going to be your Herbology teacher for this series! I am a miss nosy parker type who serves a minor role in the second book but otherwise I don’t really say or do anything ever, because I am the Hufflepuff Head of House! Oh, and I’ll be having you handle extremely dangerous plants by the time you are fourteen! But I like Neville!

Neville: Hi! *googly eyes* You’re the only one who knows my name isn’t actually Navel!

Sprout: Well, you need a niche somewhere, or you’ll end up a complete loser!

[After Herbology, Harry and Ron go to Transfigurarion]

Professor McGonagall: Hello, everybody! My name is Professor McGonagall and I am the head of Gryffindor House! Harry Potter, that means you! So I can turn myself into a cat and be stern, but I’m actually not nearly as powerful as the narrative insists I am because I iz a wimin!

Harry: Wow, I respect Professor McGonagall so much! *eyes shimmer*

Ron: She’s not that great.

[And thus concludes Harry’s first day of classes. The next morning…]

Harry: Hey, look, our owls are delivering our mail!

Ron: Uh, yeah….

Harry: But I thought owls were really stupid.

Ron: Seriously? These are magical owls, they can do anything!

[Harry and Ron go to Potions] *Side note: It begins:D*

Professor Snape: [chants as he walks] Snape, Snape, Severus Snape….

Slyterins: [chanting] Snape, Snape, Severus Snape….

Snape: [sings “I Am the Very Model of an Anti Hero Archetype”]

Muggleborn Slytherins*: [sing the harmony to “I Am the Very Model of an Anti Hero Archetype”]

Draco and Gryffindors: D:

Snape: Now then… [stern] there will be no foolish—

Gryffindors: BOOOOOOOOO!

Snape: *glares*--wand-waving—

Gryffindors: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Snape: *groans*-- Or silly incantations—

Gryffindors: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Snape: *speaking through clenched teeth* in this class…!

Gryffindors: BOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU SUUUUUUUUUCK!

Snape: But as I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted…! *glares at Gryffindors* I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death!

Draco: *Drools*

Harry: Wow, this man is really mean!

Snape: Aah, Mr. Potter, our new celebrity.

Harry: Noooooo! Hide me!

Snape: Let’s see how smart you are. Mr. Potter, tell me, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

Hermione: [shoots hand up in the air and waves it around]

Harry: …

Snape: You don’t know? Okay, let’s try another one. Where would you look if I told you to find a bezoar?

Hermione: Pick me, Professor! Pick me!

Harry: … [To self] Maybe if I keep quiet he’ll ask her instead]

Snape: [seeking patience] Alright, we’ll try another one. Mr. Potter, what is the difference between Monkshood and Wolfbane?

Hermione: Oh, oh, Professor! Professor! Pick me! Pick me, Professor!

Harry: … *bursts into tears* I don’t know! Why would I care about some stupid flowers anyway?! They’re unmanly!

Snape: [To self] This moron is the one everyone’s counting on? [To Harry] Pity. Clearly, fame isn’t everything.

Harry: No Fair! If Hermione knows the answer to the questions why not ask her?!

Snape: I posed the questions to you, not to the entire class.

Harry: B-but… but… I was raised by Muggles, how could you expect me to know that on the first day of class you jerkface?!

Snape: That last question I asked you could have been answered by a Muggle.

Harry: *makes like Romano from 2:16-2:22*

 

Snape: *sigh* I’m surrounded by jackasses and morons!

[After class, Harry and Ron go down to Hagrid’s hut]

Harry: I totally need a nice pliable adult to comfort me after my run-in with that jerkfacey jerkassy jerk Snape!

Hagrid: Hello, you two! Would you like tea?!

Harry: Ah… sure…. Listen, Hagrid? I have Professor Snape and he’s really, really mean!

Hagrid: Oh, really? Well, such is the way of these things. Wait a couple of years until I become a teacher!

Harry: Wow, you’re going to teach?!

Hagrid: Yes, but I won’t be good at it. You’re in for a rough time, you two. Here, have some tea and cakes. I’m a dumbass, remember? [Hands Harry and Ron tea and food]

Ron: [To Harry] These are awful. Do you think we have the heart to tell him so?

Harry: Naw, why? It’s not like coddling our friends is going to get us in trouble later!

 

*A/N: I though it only fitting that, since Pirates of Penzance is a Muggle play, only the Muggleborn Wizards would know about the Major General’s song. So, there you have it! The parody is not mine, and I do not deserve any credit for it (only for using it to be funny:P).

Comments

[danajsparks.livejournal.com]

LOLOL I'm really enjoying your posts so far. :)