Harry Potter Abridged! SS/PS Chapter 9

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[One morning at breakfast]

Neville: Hey, I got a Rememberall!

Harry: What does that do?

Neville: If it turns red, I’ve forgotten something. [Rememberall turns red] Well that isn’t helpful at all! I can’t remember what I’ve forgotten! Who makes these?!

[So, Harry is having his first flying lesson! Draco is in his class!]

Harry: Oh, I hate that Draco Malfoy so, so soooooooo much! In fact, I hate him even more than I hate Dudley. Why, I don’t know, since Dudley’s been meaner to me than Malfoy, but still… I hate Malfoy, I wish he would jump out a window!

Draco: Hmph! I’m the greatest flier in the world!

Hermione: I hate flying! It’s, like, the one thing I’m not the best at of anyone in the entire books!

Fred: I don’t like the school brooms- our Quidditch brooms are so much cooler! You’ll find out soon, Harry, when you make the team!

George: You know, I know what other broom is better than the Quidditch brooms! [makes eyes at Fred]

Fred: *dirty* I know what you mean! [Makes out with George]

Harry: Ron, why are your twin brothers kissing?

Ron: Oh, that…? It’s their “forbidden brotherly love” routine. [Rolls eyes]

Harry: Forbidden… brotherly… love?

Ron: [Shudder] Don’t ask…!

Madame Hooch: Ahem, I hope I’m not interrupting anything?

[The class listens]

Madame Hooch: Okay. So, I’m Madame Hooch, the flying instructor. Don’t bother to remember me because I never really say or do anything ever. But today I’m going to teach you how to fly. If everyone could mount your brooms…?

[Neville mounts his broom and immediately starts rising uncontrollably off the ground]

Neville: Help me! I can’t get down! [Falls off of broom] Ow! I think I broke something!

Madame Hooch: Oh, no, poor Navel needs to be taken to the hospital wing! I think I’ll just leave you kids alone with your brooms until I get him taken care of. [Leaves with Neville]

Draco: Oh, look! Navel’s dropped something! [Picks up Rememberall] Now, what can I do to look like a jerk? I know, I’ll fly around with someone else’s property! [Gets on broom and takes off]

Harry: Not if I can help it! Harry Potter to the rescue! [Takes off after Draco and starts chasing him around] Give it back!

Draco: No! [Sticks out tongue]

Harry: But that isn’t even yours to fly around with in the first place!

Draco: So?

Harry: I’ll knock you off your broom!

Draco: You wouldn’t dare!

Harry: Actually, I would!

Draco: All this for a knickknack that doesn’t even work?

Harry: Hey, I can’t let you get away with anything, no matter how small! We’re mortal enemies!

Draco: Pssh- fine, then, I’ll be a jackass! Catch! [Throws Rememberall]

[Harry flies out and catches Rememberall. Both boys touch down just as Professor McGonagall comes out.]

Harry: Oh, no, I’ll be expelled!

Professor McGonagall: Congratulations, Harry! Will you be Gryffindor Seeker?! I’ll buy you a shiny new broom and introduce you to captain Oliver Wood, who gets beat up in matches all the time!

Harry: Wow, cool! I’m being rewarded for breaking the rules!

Malfoy: [Sulks and cries] Why, you…! Oh, meet me for a duel later, why don’t you?!

Harry: Ah… sure, and I’ll win!

Malfoy: [Runs away crying]

Hermione: You shouldn’t do that, it’s stupid and you’ll get us in trouble!

Harry: In trouble?! Please, I’m the main character! If I get caught I’ll be quickly and easily forgiven!

[That night, Harry, Ron, and Hermione sneak out to go find Draco and beat the crap out of him!]

Harry: If I were Malfoy, where would I be…?

[But they can’t find Draco and instead run into Filch]

Filch: Hey, you! You aren’t supposed to be out! No, not even you, Harry Potter!

Hermione: Oh, no, it’s the caretaker Mr. Norris! And his cat Filch! We’re in trouble now!

Filch: Stupid, my name is Filch! It’s the cat who’s Mrs. Norris!

Harry: Run away!

[They run until they get onto a staircase to take them to the third-floor Forbidden Corridor.]

Harry: Quick, in here! [Runs in door, and comes face-to-face with Fluffy]

Fluffy: Rawr!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: [Scream and run back outside of the room]

Hermione: Okay, now that that’s settled, I’m going to bed before we get killed! Or worse, expelled! [Walks away in a huff]

Ron: …She needs to sort out her priorities.

EXTRA!!

[In the Slytherin common room. Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle are all sulking.]

Snape: …I don’t care if Harry Potter was given a completely unreasonable reward for doing something against school rules, you’re staying here and not getting into a fight! Harry Potter may be able to get away with fighting like an idiot but you are a member of the noble House Slytherin and I expect more of you!

Draco: But Professor Snape, it’s so unfair!

Snape: I know what’ll cheer you up! Spice Girls!

 

Draco: Wow, I feel much better now!

Crabbe and Goyle: Us too!

Snape: [To self] Should I tell him this is Muggle entertainment?