Harry Potter Abridged! SS/PS Chapter 11
Mar. 14th, 2011 10:05 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockHarry: So... I’m supposed to be playing against Slytherin for my first Quidditch game! Isn’t that something?
Ron: Yeah, sure.
Harry: By the way, Hermione, thank you so much for helping me with my homework. I promise to keep up with my studies far better in future, once the Quidditch season ends [Crosses fingers].
Hermione: I don’t believe you.
Harry: Oh, so you want me to let you do my homework for me?
Hermione: It’s inevitable anyway- can’t have the kid hero be good in school!
[Later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are together, reading Quidditch Through the Ages.]
Snape: [Limps up] Oh, hello, you three.
Harry: Snap, why are you limping?
Snape: *Facepalm* My name is Professor Snape, and it’s no concern of yours why I’m limping! I’ve got my pride!
Harry: Were you trying to steal something?
Snape: No I was not! Now, just for that, I’ll take your book away! Hand it over!
Harry: You’re mean! [Hands over the book and sulks]
Snape: Thank you! [Limps off]
Harry: [Angry] You’re welcome!
Harry: ZOMG! Snap must have gone off to the Forbidden Corridor to steal from that three-headed dog and got bitten!
Hermione: You’re jumping to conclusions.
Harry: Oh, come on, why else would he be limping?
Ron: He’s got a point there.
Hermione: Well you don’t have any proof.
Harry: I’ll get some! Later! Once I’ve gotten my book back!
[Later, Harry goes to retrieve his book, and finds Snape talking to Filch.]
Harry: Snap is talking to Mr. Norris! Why...?
Snape: Hey, what are you doing here?
Harry: I just came to get my book back, jerkface!
Snape: Oh, no, you don’t! You cannot see the fresh wounds of an anti-hero! Now I have to either kill you or teach you Occlumency!
Harry: Toodle-oo! [Runs away.]
[The next day, Harry has his first Quidditch match!]
Wood: Alright, all you manly men and women! We’re playing against Slytherin so we have to beat them at all costs and rub our victory in their faces! You know the drill!
Harry: So, Wood... how was your first Quidditch match?
Wood: Ah, I don’t remember it because I took a Bludger to the head two minutes in and woke up in the hospital wing a week later!
Harry: *Blue from shock*
Fred and George *Leaning on Harry’s shoulders*: Don’t worry, nobody’s died in years!
George: Someone will vanish occasionally.
Fred: But they turn up in a month or two!
Harry: *Facefault*
[So, all the players go out onto the field where they’re greeted by Madame Hooch.]
Hooch: Now I want a nice clean game. Right Slytherins? [Throws Quaffle into the air]
[And the game begins!]
Lee Jordan: So, yeah, the game has begun, and Gryffindor is the best, and Slytherins are a bunch of cheaters and losers. Yeah... what else is new?
McGonagall: Jordan, can you at least feign neutrality?
Jordan: Why should I, if no one else here will?
[A Slytherin Beater swats a Bludger toward Oliver Wood.]
Wood: WAAAAAAH! [Falls off of broom.]
Harry: Oh, no, our captain has fallen! I must save him but I need to look for the Snitch. [The Snitch flies under Harry’s nose] There it is!
[Harry and the Slytherin Seeker chase the Snitch around for awhile, but just then, Flint kicks Harry!]
Harry: OWWWWWW!
Flint: Take that, you Gryffindor you!
Gryffindors: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BURN THE WITCH!
Jordan: Okay, that was cheating.
McGonagall: Yes, but considering there’s metal balls flying in the air hitting people, that’s the least of their worries.
[Suddenly, Harry’s broom starts jerking out of control! Quel horror!]
Harry: Help, I’m going to fall!
Hermione: Look, Snape’s over there jinxing Harry’s broom!
Ron: Jinxing the broom?!
Hermione: Yeah. Here, I’ll put a stop to this! [Hermione runs over to Snape’s seat and sets Snape’s robe on fire!] The fire house shall prevail! [Runs away]
Snape: AAh, I’m on fire!
Quirrell: Oh, no! You’re on fire! Now I can’t kill Harry or I’ll get burned!
Harry: Yay, I’m free! [Flies after Snitch, reaches out to grab it, and falls off his broom]
[For once, the Gryffindors have nothing to say!]
Harry: I think I swallowed something.... [Urps up Snitch] WOWEE! I caught the Snitch! I rule!
Gryffindors: YAY! We are the champions! We put those Slytherins back in their place!
Marcus Flint: Does it count if he didn’t catch it in his hands?
Slytherin Seeker: Well, it counts if he catches it up his sleeve so....
Slytherins: *Cry*
[Later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are hanging out with Hagrid]
Hagrid: ...Nonsense! Why would Professor Snape put a curse on Harry’s broom?
Harry: Well, we know he’s a bad guy because he tried to get past the three-headed dog on Halloween.
Hagrid: Do you know why he went looking for Fluffy?
Ron: That dog has a name?
Hagrid: Yeah, he’s my dog. I bought him from a Greek and leant him to Dumbledore to guard the...
Harry: Yes?
Hagrid: ...Shouldn’t have said that.... No more questions! Don’t ask any more questions! That’s top secret!
Hermione: Regardless, Snape was trying to kill Harry. We think he’s trying to steal whatever Fluffy the Terrible’s guarding.
Hagrid: Naw, Professor Snape is a Hogwarts teacher. Do you really think a Hogwarts teacher...? Well, they do hire an awful lot of incompetents based on personal favoritism.... Whatever! You’re meddling in things that aren’t not to be meddled in! It’s dangerous! What Fluffy’s guarding is strictly between Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamel!
Harry: Nicholas Flamel? Who’s that?
Hagrid: I shouldn’t have said that, I should not have said that....
EXTRA
[In the Slytherin Common Room]
Draco: Hey Flint, can I be Seeker next year? At least I have a plot role!
Slytherin Seeker: Hmph!
Flint: We’ll see.
Draco: Aww, that means “not a chance,” doesn’t it?
Flint: It means, we’ll see!
Draco: Pretty please with sugar and cherries and chocolate-caramel sauce on top?! *Googly eyes*
Flint: [Aside] You know, being nice to Draco’s probably the way to go if I want to get the team into the spotlight. [To Draco] Okay, get me the newest broomstick model by next year and you’ve got a deal!
Ron: Yeah, sure.
Harry: By the way, Hermione, thank you so much for helping me with my homework. I promise to keep up with my studies far better in future, once the Quidditch season ends [Crosses fingers].
Hermione: I don’t believe you.
Harry: Oh, so you want me to let you do my homework for me?
Hermione: It’s inevitable anyway- can’t have the kid hero be good in school!
[Later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are together, reading Quidditch Through the Ages.]
Snape: [Limps up] Oh, hello, you three.
Harry: Snap, why are you limping?
Snape: *Facepalm* My name is Professor Snape, and it’s no concern of yours why I’m limping! I’ve got my pride!
Harry: Were you trying to steal something?
Snape: No I was not! Now, just for that, I’ll take your book away! Hand it over!
Harry: You’re mean! [Hands over the book and sulks]
Snape: Thank you! [Limps off]
Harry: [Angry] You’re welcome!
Harry: ZOMG! Snap must have gone off to the Forbidden Corridor to steal from that three-headed dog and got bitten!
Hermione: You’re jumping to conclusions.
Harry: Oh, come on, why else would he be limping?
Ron: He’s got a point there.
Hermione: Well you don’t have any proof.
Harry: I’ll get some! Later! Once I’ve gotten my book back!
[Later, Harry goes to retrieve his book, and finds Snape talking to Filch.]
Harry: Snap is talking to Mr. Norris! Why...?
Snape: Hey, what are you doing here?
Harry: I just came to get my book back, jerkface!
Snape: Oh, no, you don’t! You cannot see the fresh wounds of an anti-hero! Now I have to either kill you or teach you Occlumency!
Harry: Toodle-oo! [Runs away.]
[The next day, Harry has his first Quidditch match!]
Wood: Alright, all you manly men and women! We’re playing against Slytherin so we have to beat them at all costs and rub our victory in their faces! You know the drill!
Harry: So, Wood... how was your first Quidditch match?
Wood: Ah, I don’t remember it because I took a Bludger to the head two minutes in and woke up in the hospital wing a week later!
Harry: *Blue from shock*
Fred and George *Leaning on Harry’s shoulders*: Don’t worry, nobody’s died in years!
George: Someone will vanish occasionally.
Fred: But they turn up in a month or two!
Harry: *Facefault*
[So, all the players go out onto the field where they’re greeted by Madame Hooch.]
Hooch: Now I want a nice clean game. Right Slytherins? [Throws Quaffle into the air]
[And the game begins!]
Lee Jordan: So, yeah, the game has begun, and Gryffindor is the best, and Slytherins are a bunch of cheaters and losers. Yeah... what else is new?
McGonagall: Jordan, can you at least feign neutrality?
Jordan: Why should I, if no one else here will?
[A Slytherin Beater swats a Bludger toward Oliver Wood.]
Wood: WAAAAAAH! [Falls off of broom.]
Harry: Oh, no, our captain has fallen! I must save him but I need to look for the Snitch. [The Snitch flies under Harry’s nose] There it is!
[Harry and the Slytherin Seeker chase the Snitch around for awhile, but just then, Flint kicks Harry!]
Harry: OWWWWWW!
Flint: Take that, you Gryffindor you!
Gryffindors: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BURN THE WITCH!
Jordan: Okay, that was cheating.
McGonagall: Yes, but considering there’s metal balls flying in the air hitting people, that’s the least of their worries.
[Suddenly, Harry’s broom starts jerking out of control! Quel horror!]
Harry: Help, I’m going to fall!
Hermione: Look, Snape’s over there jinxing Harry’s broom!
Ron: Jinxing the broom?!
Hermione: Yeah. Here, I’ll put a stop to this! [Hermione runs over to Snape’s seat and sets Snape’s robe on fire!] The fire house shall prevail! [Runs away]
Snape: AAh, I’m on fire!
Quirrell: Oh, no! You’re on fire! Now I can’t kill Harry or I’ll get burned!
Harry: Yay, I’m free! [Flies after Snitch, reaches out to grab it, and falls off his broom]
[For once, the Gryffindors have nothing to say!]
Harry: I think I swallowed something.... [Urps up Snitch] WOWEE! I caught the Snitch! I rule!
Gryffindors: YAY! We are the champions! We put those Slytherins back in their place!
Marcus Flint: Does it count if he didn’t catch it in his hands?
Slytherin Seeker: Well, it counts if he catches it up his sleeve so....
Slytherins: *Cry*
[Later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are hanging out with Hagrid]
Hagrid: ...Nonsense! Why would Professor Snape put a curse on Harry’s broom?
Harry: Well, we know he’s a bad guy because he tried to get past the three-headed dog on Halloween.
Hagrid: Do you know why he went looking for Fluffy?
Ron: That dog has a name?
Hagrid: Yeah, he’s my dog. I bought him from a Greek and leant him to Dumbledore to guard the...
Harry: Yes?
Hagrid: ...Shouldn’t have said that.... No more questions! Don’t ask any more questions! That’s top secret!
Hermione: Regardless, Snape was trying to kill Harry. We think he’s trying to steal whatever Fluffy the Terrible’s guarding.
Hagrid: Naw, Professor Snape is a Hogwarts teacher. Do you really think a Hogwarts teacher...? Well, they do hire an awful lot of incompetents based on personal favoritism.... Whatever! You’re meddling in things that aren’t not to be meddled in! It’s dangerous! What Fluffy’s guarding is strictly between Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamel!
Harry: Nicholas Flamel? Who’s that?
Hagrid: I shouldn’t have said that, I should not have said that....
EXTRA
[In the Slytherin Common Room]
Draco: Hey Flint, can I be Seeker next year? At least I have a plot role!
Slytherin Seeker: Hmph!
Flint: We’ll see.
Draco: Aww, that means “not a chance,” doesn’t it?
Flint: It means, we’ll see!
Draco: Pretty please with sugar and cherries and chocolate-caramel sauce on top?! *Googly eyes*
Flint: [Aside] You know, being nice to Draco’s probably the way to go if I want to get the team into the spotlight. [To Draco] Okay, get me the newest broomstick model by next year and you’ve got a deal!
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Date: 2011-03-15 04:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 05:25 pm (UTC)Well, they do, after a fashion. They did the best they could, not knowing about Snape's Sectumsepra spell and what its counterspell was. The best they could do is eventually stop the bleeding, but not restore the ear.
But yeah, if there's a spell to regrow the bones in an arm, seems to me that regrowing ear cartilage shouldn't be difficult.
But considering all the dangerous magikal critters that one can get a bite from -- not to mention bites from regular ol' critters -- it seems to me that Potions Master Snape should have been in better shape the day after Fluffy's bite.