Harry Potter Abridged! PS/SS Chapter 12

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

This is the next Abridged chapter. The first installment of my Beedle the Bard MST will follow shortly. 

[Time passes by and Harry still has no leads on Nicholas Flamel]

Harry: Why won’t anyone tell us anything about this Nicholas Flamel person?! It’s so annoying!

Ron: Cheer up, let’s play Wizard’s Chess!

Harry: You know something? The fact that you can play Wizard’s Chess should clue me into the fact that you really aren’t so dumb after all.

Ron: I wish. I won’t even remember how to play by the end of the series.

[So Christmas comes around, and everything is warm and cheery]

Harry: Wow, these Wizard crackers are so much cooler than Muggle crackers!

Hermione: You’re so right, Harry! I’m so glad Wizards are a million times better than Muggles at everything! Now if only I can ditch my pesky parents and spend all the rest of eternity in the Wizarding World!

Ron: Sure you can, just marry me!

Hermione: Well, if it’ll get me out of the hair of those stupid Muggle parents of mine....

[On Christmas morning...]

Harry: Okay, lemme see, I’ve got... well fifty pence from the Dursleys.... That may actually be very generous of them, but I shall still nobly angst about how they don’t love me enough to get me more. Okay... [Takes a package from Mrs. Weasley and opens it] Hey, cool! A green sweater!

Ron: You’re lucky- my mother only made me a maroon sweater.

Harry: Well that doesn’t seem so bad.

Ron: I hate maroon.

Harry: Why don’t you ask your mother to make you something else?

Ron: Believe me, I’ve tried! [Goes off into a Corner of Woe]

Fred and George: Hey! Harry, Ron, let’s play the Which One is Fred Game! *Pose*

Percy: That’s the dumbest game I’ve ever heard....

Harry: Lemme see... Fred is the one wearing the F, and George is the one wearing the G?

Fred and George: Sorry, that’s wrong! *Laugh raucously*

Fred: Hey, Percy, you still need to put on your sweater!

Percy: I put on my sweater at my convenience.

George: It doesn’t matter because we’re always there to make things inconvenient for you! [Stuffs Percy’s sweater over his head]

Fred: Oh, and by the way...

George: Join us for dinner!

Fred: OR ELSE! *Death glare*

Percy: Fine, fine... [Exits]

Harry: Hey, what’s this package? [Opens it] Hey, look, it’s some kind of silver cloak! [Puts it on] Hey, my body’s gone!

Ron: Wow, it’s an invisibility cloak! Those things are really rare! And since it’s the only invisibility cloak you or I have ever seen, it must have some great metaphysical importance.

Harry: I can use this to sneak around the castle all night long without anybody’s ever knowing it!

Ron: Yeah, that’s true. Awesome!

Harry: Maybe I can use this to sneak around the Restricted Section of the library later to search for Nicholas Flamel some more!

Ron: Good plan!

[That night, Harry sneaks out to go visit the library’s Restricted Section]

Harry: Tra-la-la, sneaking around is the life for me.... Maybe it’s in this book [Selects a book at random and opens it]

Book: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Harry: Whoops, wrong book....

[Just then, Filch comes on the scene]

Harry: Oh, no! It’s Mr. Norris! I’d better run or I’ll get caught! [Runs out of the library, dropping his lantern]

[Harry runs a ways, eventually coming into an old classroom]

Harry: Hey, look, a mirror! And it has an inscription on the top! Ah, well, it looks like it’s written in some dead language I can’t be bothered to learn.... [Stares in mirror] Hey, it’s my Mummy and Daddy! Hello, Mummy and Daddy!

[Harry runs back to his dorm to tell Ron about this]

Ron: ...So this mirror showed you your family?

Harry: Yeah! We should check it out again tonight!

Ron: Sounds like a plan!

[So, the next night, Harry and Ron return to the mirror]

Harry: So, there’s my parents, right there!

Ron: I don’t see your parents. I see myself as Head Boy and Quidditch captain. Wow, I look good!

Harry: That’s... odd.

Ron: This mirror couldn’t possibly predict the future, could it?

Harry: No, both of my parents are dead. Though, since I’m the only one allowed to be as miserable as I am, maybe this’ll come true for you.

[Then Mrs. Norris the cat comes on the scene]

Harry: Oh, no! It’s Filch! [Pulls cloak over himself and Ron]

Ron: This is bad- do you think she’s gone to get Mr. Norris?

Harry: Oh, well, let’s go back to bed. Maybe we won’t be punished if Mr. Norris doesn’t actually see us.

[So Harry and Ron return to their room]

Harry: Wasn’t that fun? Let’s go again!

Ron: You know, I don’t think I want to run the risk of being caught again.

Harry: Come on, where’s your Gryffindor courage?!

Ron: Seriously, I’m too dumb to fool, and I have a bad feeling about the mirror.

Harry: Well... I’m not, and I want to see my parents again.

Ron: ...Hey! Y-you... *Tears up* You really think I’m... dumb?!

Harry: No... I can’t promise you I’ll feel the same in a couple of books, though.

[So, that night Harry returns to the mirror alone again]

Dumbledore: Hello!

Harry: Oh, it’s just Dumbledore, who is funny and popular and thus trustworthy.

Dumbledore: So... you’ve discovered the Mirror of Erised?

Harry: I... why yes I have! *Poses* By the way, what’s that funny writing at the top?

Dumbledore: Oh, that? I’ll give you this one for free: “I show not your face, but your heart’s desire.” Now I don’t have to be up-front with you ever again!

Harry: Oh, okay.

Dumbledore: So... yeah. This mirror is dangerous because anyone who visits it too many times just wastes away wishing for their dreams to come true. Even those with non-impossible dreams just give up all real hope of trying to find them, oh, yes. Because really, any magical artifact you’ll find throughout this series is at some level a trap. Isn’t the Wizarding World just the most fun place to live?!

Harry: Okay... question: if you looked into the mirror, what would you see?

Dumbledore: Me as a famous celebrity with tons of adoring fans who would do anything for me!

Harry: [Incredulous] Really?

Dumbledore: No- that’s my life! *Laughs* So... yeah. Don’t go looking for this mirror again, it’s going to be moved to a new home tomorrow, and then it will never show up again. At least... not after this first book. *Shifty eyes*

Harry: So, it’s one of the plot devices the book is using?

Dumbledore: Maybe, maybe not. Back to bed!

EXTRA

Filch: So... I know someone’s sneaking around with an invisibility cloak, but I can’t ever seem to catch them. Who could it be?

Snape: Who do you think?

Filch: Harry Potter? I guess he is the main character. I suppose I could try to put him in detention....

[Dumbledore appears directly in front of Filch in an explosion of fire]

Dumbledore: *Towers over Filch and grows fangs* If you punish Harry Potter without catching him red-handed I shall personally flay you to the tune of that infernal Muggle band Spinal Tap!

Filch: B-but sir... Spinal Tap is....

Dumbledore: Do as I say, fool!

Filch: ...Can you at least make him stop calling me Mr. Norris?

Dumbledore: Why should I?

Filch: Can’t you give me a smidgen of respect on weekends or holidays?

Dumbledore: No I cannot because I only ever hired you so that the students would have someone to victimize once they got older! Now grovel at my feet! [Brandishes wand]

Filch: Fuck you! [Grovels]