Harry Potter Abridged! PS/SS Chapter 12
Mar. 17th, 2011 11:03 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockThis is the next Abridged chapter. The first installment of my Beedle the Bard MST will follow shortly.
[Time passes by and Harry still has no leads on Nicholas Flamel]
Harry: Why won’t anyone tell us anything about this Nicholas Flamel person?! It’s so annoying!
Ron: Cheer up, let’s play Wizard’s Chess!
Harry: You know something? The fact that you can play Wizard’s Chess should clue me into the fact that you really aren’t so dumb after all.
Ron: I wish. I won’t even remember how to play by the end of the series.
[So Christmas comes around, and everything is warm and cheery]
Harry: Wow, these Wizard crackers are so much cooler than Muggle crackers!
Hermione: You’re so right, Harry! I’m so glad Wizards are a million times better than Muggles at everything! Now if only I can ditch my pesky parents and spend all the rest of eternity in the Wizarding World!
Ron: Sure you can, just marry me!
Hermione: Well, if it’ll get me out of the hair of those stupid Muggle parents of mine....
[On Christmas morning...]
Harry: Okay, lemme see, I’ve got... well fifty pence from the Dursleys.... That may actually be very generous of them, but I shall still nobly angst about how they don’t love me enough to get me more. Okay... [Takes a package from Mrs. Weasley and opens it] Hey, cool! A green sweater!
Ron: You’re lucky- my mother only made me a maroon sweater.
Harry: Well that doesn’t seem so bad.
Ron: I hate maroon.
Harry: Why don’t you ask your mother to make you something else?
Ron: Believe me, I’ve tried! [Goes off into a Corner of Woe]
Fred and George: Hey! Harry, Ron, let’s play the Which One is Fred Game! *Pose*
Percy: That’s the dumbest game I’ve ever heard....
Harry: Lemme see... Fred is the one wearing the F, and George is the one wearing the G?
Fred and George: Sorry, that’s wrong! *Laugh raucously*
Fred: Hey, Percy, you still need to put on your sweater!
Percy: I put on my sweater at my convenience.
George: It doesn’t matter because we’re always there to make things inconvenient for you! [Stuffs Percy’s sweater over his head]
Fred: Oh, and by the way...
George: Join us for dinner!
Fred: OR ELSE! *Death glare*
Percy: Fine, fine... [Exits]
Harry: Hey, what’s this package? [Opens it] Hey, look, it’s some kind of silver cloak! [Puts it on] Hey, my body’s gone!
Ron: Wow, it’s an invisibility cloak! Those things are really rare! And since it’s the only invisibility cloak you or I have ever seen, it must have some great metaphysical importance.
Harry: I can use this to sneak around the castle all night long without anybody’s ever knowing it!
Ron: Yeah, that’s true. Awesome!
Harry: Maybe I can use this to sneak around the Restricted Section of the library later to search for Nicholas Flamel some more!
Ron: Good plan!
[That night, Harry sneaks out to go visit the library’s Restricted Section]
Harry: Tra-la-la, sneaking around is the life for me.... Maybe it’s in this book [Selects a book at random and opens it]
Book: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Harry: Whoops, wrong book....
[Just then, Filch comes on the scene]
Harry: Oh, no! It’s Mr. Norris! I’d better run or I’ll get caught! [Runs out of the library, dropping his lantern]
[Harry runs a ways, eventually coming into an old classroom]
Harry: Hey, look, a mirror! And it has an inscription on the top! Ah, well, it looks like it’s written in some dead language I can’t be bothered to learn.... [Stares in mirror] Hey, it’s my Mummy and Daddy! Hello, Mummy and Daddy!
[Harry runs back to his dorm to tell Ron about this]
Ron: ...So this mirror showed you your family?
Harry: Yeah! We should check it out again tonight!
Ron: Sounds like a plan!
[So, the next night, Harry and Ron return to the mirror]
Harry: So, there’s my parents, right there!
Ron: I don’t see your parents. I see myself as Head Boy and Quidditch captain. Wow, I look good!
Harry: That’s... odd.
Ron: This mirror couldn’t possibly predict the future, could it?
Harry: No, both of my parents are dead. Though, since I’m the only one allowed to be as miserable as I am, maybe this’ll come true for you.
[Then Mrs. Norris the cat comes on the scene]
Harry: Oh, no! It’s Filch! [Pulls cloak over himself and Ron]
Ron: This is bad- do you think she’s gone to get Mr. Norris?
Harry: Oh, well, let’s go back to bed. Maybe we won’t be punished if Mr. Norris doesn’t actually see us.
[So Harry and Ron return to their room]
Harry: Wasn’t that fun? Let’s go again!
Ron: You know, I don’t think I want to run the risk of being caught again.
Harry: Come on, where’s your Gryffindor courage?!
Ron: Seriously, I’m too dumb to fool, and I have a bad feeling about the mirror.
Harry: Well... I’m not, and I want to see my parents again.
Ron: ...Hey! Y-you... *Tears up* You really think I’m... dumb?!
Harry: No... I can’t promise you I’ll feel the same in a couple of books, though.
[So, that night Harry returns to the mirror alone again]
Dumbledore: Hello!
Harry: Oh, it’s just Dumbledore, who is funny and popular and thus trustworthy.
Dumbledore: So... you’ve discovered the Mirror of Erised?
Harry: I... why yes I have! *Poses* By the way, what’s that funny writing at the top?
Dumbledore: Oh, that? I’ll give you this one for free: “I show not your face, but your heart’s desire.” Now I don’t have to be up-front with you ever again!
Harry: Oh, okay.
Dumbledore: So... yeah. This mirror is dangerous because anyone who visits it too many times just wastes away wishing for their dreams to come true. Even those with non-impossible dreams just give up all real hope of trying to find them, oh, yes. Because really, any magical artifact you’ll find throughout this series is at some level a trap. Isn’t the Wizarding World just the most fun place to live?!
Harry: Okay... question: if you looked into the mirror, what would you see?
Dumbledore: Me as a famous celebrity with tons of adoring fans who would do anything for me!
Harry: [Incredulous] Really?
Dumbledore: No- that’s my life! *Laughs* So... yeah. Don’t go looking for this mirror again, it’s going to be moved to a new home tomorrow, and then it will never show up again. At least... not after this first book. *Shifty eyes*
Harry: So, it’s one of the plot devices the book is using?
Dumbledore: Maybe, maybe not. Back to bed!
EXTRA
Filch: So... I know someone’s sneaking around with an invisibility cloak, but I can’t ever seem to catch them. Who could it be?
Snape: Who do you think?
Filch: Harry Potter? I guess he is the main character. I suppose I could try to put him in detention....
[Dumbledore appears directly in front of Filch in an explosion of fire]
Dumbledore: *Towers over Filch and grows fangs* If you punish Harry Potter without catching him red-handed I shall personally flay you to the tune of that infernal Muggle band Spinal Tap!
Filch: B-but sir... Spinal Tap is....
Dumbledore: Do as I say, fool!
Filch: ...Can you at least make him stop calling me Mr. Norris?
Dumbledore: Why should I?
Filch: Can’t you give me a smidgen of respect on weekends or holidays?
Dumbledore: No I cannot because I only ever hired you so that the students would have someone to victimize once they got older! Now grovel at my feet! [Brandishes wand]
Filch: Fuck you! [Grovels]
[Time passes by and Harry still has no leads on Nicholas Flamel]
Harry: Why won’t anyone tell us anything about this Nicholas Flamel person?! It’s so annoying!
Ron: Cheer up, let’s play Wizard’s Chess!
Harry: You know something? The fact that you can play Wizard’s Chess should clue me into the fact that you really aren’t so dumb after all.
Ron: I wish. I won’t even remember how to play by the end of the series.
[So Christmas comes around, and everything is warm and cheery]
Harry: Wow, these Wizard crackers are so much cooler than Muggle crackers!
Hermione: You’re so right, Harry! I’m so glad Wizards are a million times better than Muggles at everything! Now if only I can ditch my pesky parents and spend all the rest of eternity in the Wizarding World!
Ron: Sure you can, just marry me!
Hermione: Well, if it’ll get me out of the hair of those stupid Muggle parents of mine....
[On Christmas morning...]
Harry: Okay, lemme see, I’ve got... well fifty pence from the Dursleys.... That may actually be very generous of them, but I shall still nobly angst about how they don’t love me enough to get me more. Okay... [Takes a package from Mrs. Weasley and opens it] Hey, cool! A green sweater!
Ron: You’re lucky- my mother only made me a maroon sweater.
Harry: Well that doesn’t seem so bad.
Ron: I hate maroon.
Harry: Why don’t you ask your mother to make you something else?
Ron: Believe me, I’ve tried! [Goes off into a Corner of Woe]
Fred and George: Hey! Harry, Ron, let’s play the Which One is Fred Game! *Pose*
Percy: That’s the dumbest game I’ve ever heard....
Harry: Lemme see... Fred is the one wearing the F, and George is the one wearing the G?
Fred and George: Sorry, that’s wrong! *Laugh raucously*
Fred: Hey, Percy, you still need to put on your sweater!
Percy: I put on my sweater at my convenience.
George: It doesn’t matter because we’re always there to make things inconvenient for you! [Stuffs Percy’s sweater over his head]
Fred: Oh, and by the way...
George: Join us for dinner!
Fred: OR ELSE! *Death glare*
Percy: Fine, fine... [Exits]
Harry: Hey, what’s this package? [Opens it] Hey, look, it’s some kind of silver cloak! [Puts it on] Hey, my body’s gone!
Ron: Wow, it’s an invisibility cloak! Those things are really rare! And since it’s the only invisibility cloak you or I have ever seen, it must have some great metaphysical importance.
Harry: I can use this to sneak around the castle all night long without anybody’s ever knowing it!
Ron: Yeah, that’s true. Awesome!
Harry: Maybe I can use this to sneak around the Restricted Section of the library later to search for Nicholas Flamel some more!
Ron: Good plan!
[That night, Harry sneaks out to go visit the library’s Restricted Section]
Harry: Tra-la-la, sneaking around is the life for me.... Maybe it’s in this book [Selects a book at random and opens it]
Book: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Harry: Whoops, wrong book....
[Just then, Filch comes on the scene]
Harry: Oh, no! It’s Mr. Norris! I’d better run or I’ll get caught! [Runs out of the library, dropping his lantern]
[Harry runs a ways, eventually coming into an old classroom]
Harry: Hey, look, a mirror! And it has an inscription on the top! Ah, well, it looks like it’s written in some dead language I can’t be bothered to learn.... [Stares in mirror] Hey, it’s my Mummy and Daddy! Hello, Mummy and Daddy!
[Harry runs back to his dorm to tell Ron about this]
Ron: ...So this mirror showed you your family?
Harry: Yeah! We should check it out again tonight!
Ron: Sounds like a plan!
[So, the next night, Harry and Ron return to the mirror]
Harry: So, there’s my parents, right there!
Ron: I don’t see your parents. I see myself as Head Boy and Quidditch captain. Wow, I look good!
Harry: That’s... odd.
Ron: This mirror couldn’t possibly predict the future, could it?
Harry: No, both of my parents are dead. Though, since I’m the only one allowed to be as miserable as I am, maybe this’ll come true for you.
[Then Mrs. Norris the cat comes on the scene]
Harry: Oh, no! It’s Filch! [Pulls cloak over himself and Ron]
Ron: This is bad- do you think she’s gone to get Mr. Norris?
Harry: Oh, well, let’s go back to bed. Maybe we won’t be punished if Mr. Norris doesn’t actually see us.
[So Harry and Ron return to their room]
Harry: Wasn’t that fun? Let’s go again!
Ron: You know, I don’t think I want to run the risk of being caught again.
Harry: Come on, where’s your Gryffindor courage?!
Ron: Seriously, I’m too dumb to fool, and I have a bad feeling about the mirror.
Harry: Well... I’m not, and I want to see my parents again.
Ron: ...Hey! Y-you... *Tears up* You really think I’m... dumb?!
Harry: No... I can’t promise you I’ll feel the same in a couple of books, though.
[So, that night Harry returns to the mirror alone again]
Dumbledore: Hello!
Harry: Oh, it’s just Dumbledore, who is funny and popular and thus trustworthy.
Dumbledore: So... you’ve discovered the Mirror of Erised?
Harry: I... why yes I have! *Poses* By the way, what’s that funny writing at the top?
Dumbledore: Oh, that? I’ll give you this one for free: “I show not your face, but your heart’s desire.” Now I don’t have to be up-front with you ever again!
Harry: Oh, okay.
Dumbledore: So... yeah. This mirror is dangerous because anyone who visits it too many times just wastes away wishing for their dreams to come true. Even those with non-impossible dreams just give up all real hope of trying to find them, oh, yes. Because really, any magical artifact you’ll find throughout this series is at some level a trap. Isn’t the Wizarding World just the most fun place to live?!
Harry: Okay... question: if you looked into the mirror, what would you see?
Dumbledore: Me as a famous celebrity with tons of adoring fans who would do anything for me!
Harry: [Incredulous] Really?
Dumbledore: No- that’s my life! *Laughs* So... yeah. Don’t go looking for this mirror again, it’s going to be moved to a new home tomorrow, and then it will never show up again. At least... not after this first book. *Shifty eyes*
Harry: So, it’s one of the plot devices the book is using?
Dumbledore: Maybe, maybe not. Back to bed!
EXTRA
Filch: So... I know someone’s sneaking around with an invisibility cloak, but I can’t ever seem to catch them. Who could it be?
Snape: Who do you think?
Filch: Harry Potter? I guess he is the main character. I suppose I could try to put him in detention....
[Dumbledore appears directly in front of Filch in an explosion of fire]
Dumbledore: *Towers over Filch and grows fangs* If you punish Harry Potter without catching him red-handed I shall personally flay you to the tune of that infernal Muggle band Spinal Tap!
Filch: B-but sir... Spinal Tap is....
Dumbledore: Do as I say, fool!
Filch: ...Can you at least make him stop calling me Mr. Norris?
Dumbledore: Why should I?
Filch: Can’t you give me a smidgen of respect on weekends or holidays?
Dumbledore: No I cannot because I only ever hired you so that the students would have someone to victimize once they got older! Now grovel at my feet! [Brandishes wand]
Filch: Fuck you! [Grovels]
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Date: 2011-03-18 09:07 pm (UTC)No, of course not. No respect for muggles, and even less for squibs. Squibs are the lowest of the low. No wonder Flich backed the Carrows. I wonder what happened to him and Mrs Norris after the battle of Hogwarts?