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deathtocapslock2011-08-03 11:00 am
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com) wrote in deathtocapslock2011-08-03 11:00 am
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Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 14
Harry: Enter angst mode. I can’t believe that our friend Hagrid could be the Heir of Slytherin!
Hermione: Well... there’s always the chance we have the wrong monster.
Ron: Well... maybe but... do you really think this castle’s big enough for so many monsters?
Harry: Judging by all the monsters that fit into one little corridor last year, I’d say, any number. But even so, once Riddle caught Hagrid in the act, the attacks probably stopped, or Hagrid wouldn’t have been expelled.
Ron: Allow me to compare Riddle to Percy and say that because it was Hagrid who was getting in trouble, Riddle had no business squealing on him even if it saved lives.
Harry and Hermione: *Facepalm*
Harry: Besides, why shouldn’t Riddle want to stay at Hogwarts if the alternative was a Muggle orphanage? I mean, even if they weren’t as abusive as my foster family... they’re still... Muggles, y’know!
Hermione: So... anyway... do you think we should tell Hagrid about this?
Ron: How? Do you really think he’ll take kindly to us asking him directly?
Hermione: Yeah, you’re right. I guess we’d better just ignore it and hope it goes away or we get a different lead.
[So, life goes on. It comes time for the second-years to pick electives for third year.]
Harry: I have no idea what to do! Hey, Percy, can you offer me any advice?
Percy: Oh, sure, happy to be of use! Now, you’re the Chosen One so if you take Divination you’re sure to hear about some prophecies you’ll fulfill- I suggest taking that one. If you wanted to work with Muggles you could always take Muggle Studies- that’s a fun one, we spent a lot of time learning about Muggle popular culture through the example of a popular Muggle band called... Spinal Tarp, I think it was? Ah, but, anyway, there’s also Care of Magical Creatures, where you learn the best way to abuse the animals you’re likely to find around you; Charlie took that one. Just think about what you’re good at and where you want to go in life.
Harry: Well that sucks, because my future is going to consist of riding the coattails of other people’s accomplishments and getting the credit for them. Sort of like Lockhart!
[Eventually, Harry signs up for the same electives as Ron.]
[One day, Harry goes to bed to find his belongings have been completely rifled.]
Harry: What could have possibly happened?
[After a thorough search he concludes that Tom Riddle’s diary has been stolen.]
Harry: You know what this means? Whoever wants that diary is a Gryffindor.
[The next day Harry is going out to play Quidditch with his team, when suddenly...]
Voice: Sooooo.... you thought you were rid of me, didn’t you Harry Potter? I’m baaaaaaack!
Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Hermione: I just thought of something- I’ll be in the library.
[Harry goes out to the Quidditch field to go to the match, but is interrupted by McGonagall.]
McGonagall: The game is cancelled! There’s been another attack!
[She takes Harry and Ron to see Hermione, who has been Petrified.]
McGonagall: [Addressing the school] So, from now on, no student is allowed to go anywhere unless accompanied by a teacher! Oh, and also, all evening activities are postponed!
Lee Jordan: You know, it’s not like any Slytherins have been attacked- let’s just kill off all the Slytherins right now, and then maybe the rest of us will be safe!
Percy: I can’t believe the monster attacked my girlfriend- this is awful *cries*
Harry: Listen, Ron, we’ve got to talk to Hagrid. If this keeps up I’ll be sent home to my horrible Muggle foster family who feeds me bread and water and beats on me every day.
Ron: Capital. We’ll need your Cloak again, of course!
[So they go out to Hagrid’s hut.]
Hagrid: Oh, hello there, you two. Please, come in.
Harry: So... do you know about what’s been going on up at school?
Hagrid: Yeah, I know well enough...
[Just then there’s a knock at the door, and Harry and Ron pull the Invisibility Cloak back over themselves as Dumbledore enters, followed by a man Harry doesn’t recognize.]
Ron: That’s my Dad’s employer, Mystery of Magic Cornelia Fuck!
Fudge: Hagrid, we have to place you under arrest.
Hagrid: But I’m innocent!
Fudge: Oh, shut up- we need to look like meddling bureaucrats.
[There is another knock on the door, which turns out to be Lucius Malfoy.]
Lucius: Oh, by the way, we’re suspending Dumbledore from being Headmaster.
Hagrid: Alright, I am known for the extraordinary sweetness of my disposition, and gentleness of my nature, but you, Mr. Malfoy, may go too far!
Lucius: Eh, I’m so scared.
Hagrid: But think of the children- with Dumbledore gone who knows what the monster might do!
Lucius: The monster’s done enough even with Dumbledore instated. We have to look like we’re making some progress, here.
Dumbledore: Don’t worry, I’m just like Big Brother from 1984- I am less of a man and more of a composite of belief from every student and staff in this school.
Lucius: You are a creepy fuck, aren’t you? All the more reason to suspend you!
Hagrid: Oh, by the way, hint, hint, the best way to get answers is to follow the spiders. That is all. [He walks out following Dumbledore, Lucius, and Fudge.]
Hermione: Well... there’s always the chance we have the wrong monster.
Ron: Well... maybe but... do you really think this castle’s big enough for so many monsters?
Harry: Judging by all the monsters that fit into one little corridor last year, I’d say, any number. But even so, once Riddle caught Hagrid in the act, the attacks probably stopped, or Hagrid wouldn’t have been expelled.
Ron: Allow me to compare Riddle to Percy and say that because it was Hagrid who was getting in trouble, Riddle had no business squealing on him even if it saved lives.
Harry and Hermione: *Facepalm*
Harry: Besides, why shouldn’t Riddle want to stay at Hogwarts if the alternative was a Muggle orphanage? I mean, even if they weren’t as abusive as my foster family... they’re still... Muggles, y’know!
Hermione: So... anyway... do you think we should tell Hagrid about this?
Ron: How? Do you really think he’ll take kindly to us asking him directly?
Hermione: Yeah, you’re right. I guess we’d better just ignore it and hope it goes away or we get a different lead.
[So, life goes on. It comes time for the second-years to pick electives for third year.]
Harry: I have no idea what to do! Hey, Percy, can you offer me any advice?
Percy: Oh, sure, happy to be of use! Now, you’re the Chosen One so if you take Divination you’re sure to hear about some prophecies you’ll fulfill- I suggest taking that one. If you wanted to work with Muggles you could always take Muggle Studies- that’s a fun one, we spent a lot of time learning about Muggle popular culture through the example of a popular Muggle band called... Spinal Tarp, I think it was? Ah, but, anyway, there’s also Care of Magical Creatures, where you learn the best way to abuse the animals you’re likely to find around you; Charlie took that one. Just think about what you’re good at and where you want to go in life.
Harry: Well that sucks, because my future is going to consist of riding the coattails of other people’s accomplishments and getting the credit for them. Sort of like Lockhart!
[Eventually, Harry signs up for the same electives as Ron.]
[One day, Harry goes to bed to find his belongings have been completely rifled.]
Harry: What could have possibly happened?
[After a thorough search he concludes that Tom Riddle’s diary has been stolen.]
Harry: You know what this means? Whoever wants that diary is a Gryffindor.
[The next day Harry is going out to play Quidditch with his team, when suddenly...]
Voice: Sooooo.... you thought you were rid of me, didn’t you Harry Potter? I’m baaaaaaack!
Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Hermione: I just thought of something- I’ll be in the library.
[Harry goes out to the Quidditch field to go to the match, but is interrupted by McGonagall.]
McGonagall: The game is cancelled! There’s been another attack!
[She takes Harry and Ron to see Hermione, who has been Petrified.]
McGonagall: [Addressing the school] So, from now on, no student is allowed to go anywhere unless accompanied by a teacher! Oh, and also, all evening activities are postponed!
Lee Jordan: You know, it’s not like any Slytherins have been attacked- let’s just kill off all the Slytherins right now, and then maybe the rest of us will be safe!
Percy: I can’t believe the monster attacked my girlfriend- this is awful *cries*
Harry: Listen, Ron, we’ve got to talk to Hagrid. If this keeps up I’ll be sent home to my horrible Muggle foster family who feeds me bread and water and beats on me every day.
Ron: Capital. We’ll need your Cloak again, of course!
[So they go out to Hagrid’s hut.]
Hagrid: Oh, hello there, you two. Please, come in.
Harry: So... do you know about what’s been going on up at school?
Hagrid: Yeah, I know well enough...
[Just then there’s a knock at the door, and Harry and Ron pull the Invisibility Cloak back over themselves as Dumbledore enters, followed by a man Harry doesn’t recognize.]
Ron: That’s my Dad’s employer, Mystery of Magic Cornelia Fuck!
Fudge: Hagrid, we have to place you under arrest.
Hagrid: But I’m innocent!
Fudge: Oh, shut up- we need to look like meddling bureaucrats.
[There is another knock on the door, which turns out to be Lucius Malfoy.]
Lucius: Oh, by the way, we’re suspending Dumbledore from being Headmaster.
Hagrid: Alright, I am known for the extraordinary sweetness of my disposition, and gentleness of my nature, but you, Mr. Malfoy, may go too far!
Lucius: Eh, I’m so scared.
Hagrid: But think of the children- with Dumbledore gone who knows what the monster might do!
Lucius: The monster’s done enough even with Dumbledore instated. We have to look like we’re making some progress, here.
Dumbledore: Don’t worry, I’m just like Big Brother from 1984- I am less of a man and more of a composite of belief from every student and staff in this school.
Lucius: You are a creepy fuck, aren’t you? All the more reason to suspend you!
Hagrid: Oh, by the way, hint, hint, the best way to get answers is to follow the spiders. That is all. [He walks out following Dumbledore, Lucius, and Fudge.]