deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 14 (Reply)

[Life goes on in Hogwarts.]

[Neville melts his sixth cauldron.]

Snape: You'll never amount to anything, Navel! Stay after class with me so we can disembowel some Horned Toads!

Neville: [Cries]

Hermione: Hey, did you guys notice that Snape is scared of Moody?

Harry: Couldn't miss it if I tried. I love to see Snape put in his place.

Ron: Hey, wouldn't it be awesome of Moody turned Snape into a Horned Toad and smacked him all over the floor for no reason?!

Harry: Why yes it would!

[At long last, it comes time to take classes with Moody. The Gryffindors are all early.]

Moody: Now then, last year you covered dark creatures, which means it falls to me, Mad-Eye Moody, to teach you about curses themselves. Oh, by the way, put away your books; you won't be needing them.

Ron: Wow, I love Moody already!

Moody: So, anyway, while official protocol demands I not actually SHOW you any dark curses until sixth year... fuck that shit, we're going to demonstrate the worst of the worst curses before you RIGHT NOW! And you'll be pleased to know that I have Dumbledore's blessing to do so!

Gryffindors: YAY! :D

Moody: Well I'm glad to see you're so excited. Now then, who can name one of the most illegal evil curses in the whole entire world? Well, illegal unless the good guys are using it, anyway....

Ron: I know, I know! The Imperius curse!

Moody: Good going, son of Mr. Weasley! Now, allow me to demonstrate it to you.

[He produces a spider, which he jinxes. It immediately starts performing gymnastics.]

Moody: Trust me when I say this curse is no laughing matter, however cute or innocent it might seem at first. And yes, Gryffindors, I do mean that! Oh, and the curse can be fought, but only by certain super-special-awesome people, which is not everybody. So, whatever you do, don't get hit with this curse, or if someone tells you to jump off a cliff, you'll have to do it.

Students: 0.o

Moody: By the way, did you know I have a catch phrase? CONSTANT VIGILANCE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Gryffindors: D:

Moody: So, anyway, does anyone know of another curse that's out there?

Neville: [Uncomfortable] Well...ah... there's the Cruciatus curse....

Moody: That is correct. Sir, are you by any chance Navel Longbottom, son of the famed auror Frank Longbottom and his wife who may or may not be an auror depending on who you ask?

Neville: Well, my name's not Navel, it's Neville, but yes.

Moody: Of course, I knew it all the time. [Produces a second spider] Crucio!

[The spider starts twitching and writhing in pain.]

Moody: @-@

Neville: W-why? [Cries]

Hermione: Call it off you sicko!

Moody: Fine, fine. Ruin my fun, why don't you? [He lifts the curse] So as you can see, it's a torturing curse. A million times more effective than things like knives or thumbscrews, too. Because I said so! Ahem, anyway, can someone name the third of the most unforgivable and illegal curses in the world?

Hermione: Yeah, yeah. Avada Kedavra.

Moody: What?

Hermione: Avada Kedavra!

Moody: Whoooooaaaaaat?

Hermione: [annoyed] AVADA KEDAVRA!

Moody: By george, you've got it! Yes, yes, Avada Kedavra, the most evil curse in the world. It's a killing curse, see. [He now produces a third spider] Avada Kedavra! [Green light envelopes the spider and it dies] So there! This curse will give you a quick, painless death and won't even leave any marks. However, nevertheless, it is still the most evil, vile, dangerous, and unforgivable of the Unforgivable Curses, and far worse both than a mind-control-enslavement curse and a torturing curse. Just take our word for it—it totally is!

Harry: Excuse me while I try to use what I've learned about that curse to painstakingly put together exactly what it must have been like when my parents died. Oh well, at least they didn't feel pain or get permanent marks left on their bodies!

Moody: By the way, the curses I demonstrated to you are known as the Unforgivable Curses and casting them will get you sent to Azkaban. Well, unless you're a hero, of course—then you'll just know when the appropriate exceptions to that rule are!

[After class, they go to dinner.]

Hermione: Didn't anyone else notice that Moody made Navel upset?

Neville: [Crying] My name is NEVILLE, dammit! And I'm fine!

Moody: Gee, Neville, I'm awfully sorry! Would you like to have tea with me?

Neville: [Shocked] No I don't want to you're an evil monster you use illegal curses!

Moody: Come on, pretty please? I'll never refer to you as anything other than Neville ever again, I promise!

Neville: Aah....

Harry: Oh, just go with him, Navel! I'm sure he's really a nice guy!

Neville: Oh, I suppose so....

[Moody leads Neville away.]

[After dinner, Hermione rushes off, leaving Harry and Ron alone.]

Harry: I just thought of something. Won't this school get in trouble with the law for demonstrating Unforgivable Curses?

Ron: Harry, this is Dumbledore we're talking about. I think he can get away with just about anything!

Harry: True, true....

[They re-enter their dormitory to find Neville happily reading.]

Neville: I love this book Moody gave me. It's all about magical water plants! He said Professor Sprout said I was good at Herbology! [Glows]

Harry: Wow! These people are just like kindly old Lupin!

[They go to Divination, where they make up a bunch of sad stories.]

[Later, they return to their room and link up with Hermione.]

Hermione: [Reading predictions] It's painfully obvious you made these up.

Ron: Eh, whatever. Divination is stupid anyway. The teacher works us like HOUSE ELVES!

Hermione: I'm glad you mentioned that because now I get to tell you about my plan to free the House Elves!

Ron: LOLWHUT?!

Hermione: Oh, yeah. I've started a society called SPEW which will help raise awareness of how House Elves are oppressed and possibly lead to more rights for them and to have them no longer be enslaved.

Ron: Well what if they like being enslaved?

Hermione: A most convincing way of framing your argument indeed!

[Just then, Hedwig returns with a note from Sirius.]

Harry: [Reading letter] Oh, no! Sirius is coming up north! He'll get in trouble again and it's ALL MY FAULT! [Retreats into corner of woe]

Hedwig: Right...don't even ask me how I'm doing. It's not like I'm your faithful pet who's flown hundreds of miles just for you, or anything!*

[After Hedwig leaves, the trio go to bed.]

Harry: It's still my fault Sirius is putting himself in danger! Oh, woe! Oh, woe! I am such a bastard!

*A/N: You know, Harry really is completely awful to Hedwig. There are villains from Pokemon who are strongly implied to treat their pokemon better than Harry treats Hedwig.