deathtocapslock | Harry Potter abridged! GOF Chapter 16 (Reply)

[When last we left our heroes, Ron was gushing over Viktor Krum's coming to Hogwarts!]

Ron: I just... I just can't believe he's come to Hogwarts for the tournament!

Hermione: But he's just a Quidditch player.

Ron: But he's the GREATEST Quidditch player I've ever seen in my entire life! And he's still at school?! This is a dream come true!

Harry: Does this mean I'm not the youngest Seeker in the century anymore? [Tears up]

[The trio arrives at the Great Hall to see all the students crowding around Krum.]

Sixth-year girl: I want him to sign me in lipstick! XD

Hermione: Eew!

[The Beauxbatons students are still shivering in their seats at the Ravenclaw table.]

Hermione: Wow, the French are so wimpy! It's just a little cold; they can handle it!

[Meanwhile, the Durmstrang students are sitting with the Slytherins.]

Ron: Boo hiss! Why should the Slytherins get him? Now Malfoy is talking to him! Life's not fair! [Sulks]

Harry: You say that now, but I'm sure something will come to validate us.

Ron: I wonder where they'll sleep! Maybe I could convince Krum to share my bed!

Hermione: Whoa—TMI, Ron!

Harry: You know, those Durmstrang students, unlike those snippy Beauxbatons students, actually look suitably impressed by our grandeur. Maybe they're not so bad after all.

[After everyone's good and seated, Dumbledore speaks.]

Dumbledore: Good evening everyone, and guests, I do hope you enjoy your stay. I know, I know—you're a little overwhelmed by how amazingly wonderful we are at Hogwarts; but rest assured, we think you're alright as well.

Mysterious Beauxbatons girl: Grrr....

Hermione: Well you don't have to be so ungrateful, you cheese-eating surrender monkey!

Ron: Is that even an expression you should be familiar with?

Dumbledore: So we'll get into the tournament stuff you're all so excited about later, but in the meantime, eat and enjoy!

[Food appears, a lot of which is now foreign.]

Harry: You know, I do have to wonder how those HOUSE ELVES know how to cook so many foreign dishes.

Hermione: Oh, you...! [Shakes fist]

Ron: Oh, look, Hermione—strange soup!

Hermione: I think that's bouillabase. It's French, you know.

Ron: Leave it to you to holiday in France!

Harry: Oh, look—the Durmstrang robes are red. But they're bloody-red; that's completely different from Gryffindor's noble scarlet-red!

[Hagrid appears.]

Harry: So, how are those Skrewts doing?

Hagrid: [Waving a heavily bandaged hand] Oh, they're doing well. They're the sweetest things.

Ron: You expect us to believe that?

Hagrid: Yes!

Mysterious Beauxbatons girl: Excuse me, English people, but may I have some bouillabase? By the way, I'm too sexy for my scarf. [She removes her scarf to reveal that she is breathtakingly beautiful]

Harry and Ron: WOW!!! [Eyes shimmer in admiration]

Mysterious Beauxbatons girl: That's nice, but can I have the soup or not?

Harry: Oh, sure!

Mysterious Beauxbatons girl: Thank you....

Ron: [Stares stupidly at her as she leaves] She's a Veela, isn't she?

Hermione: But I thought Veela were native to Bulgaria only.

Ron: Pshaw—everyone knows continental Europe's all one country!

[While they continue their inane quarrel, two more guests arrive: Bagman and Crouch!]

Harry: What are those two doing here?

Hermione: I suspect they helped organize the tournament.

Harry: So they are going to turn out to be important after all!

[In due time, the food has all been eaten and Dumbledore decides it's time to kick the plot into high gear.]

Dumbledore: So, first of all, because we have to get our boring introductions out of the way, I'm going to introduce you to the final two judges for this tournament: Mr. Crouch--

Students: :/

Dumbledore: --and Mr. Bagman!

Students: WOOT!

Dumbledore: Anyway, they're going to be two judges, as well as each of the heads of the schools. Now, who wants to see some COOL STUFF?

Students: We adore cool stuff!

Dumbledore: Mr. Norris, my slave, the casket!

Harry: Someone died?!

[Filch comes in carrying a jeweled casket.]

Filch: Can I open this now?

Dumbledore: No.

Filch: How about now?

Dumbledore: No.

Filch: Now?

Dumbledore: Silence, fool! We must prolong the suspense for as long as humanly possible!

Filch: Well, more screentime for me, I guess....

Dumbledore: Now then, there will be three tasks for this tournament, spread throughout the school year. Three champions will compete in them for the Triwizard Cup, and will be scored according to their general abilities and magical prowess. Now then, it is time for the champions to be chosen...by that impartial selector known only as... THE GOBLET OF FIRE!!

Filch: NOW can I open it?

Dumbledore: Not you, me! Scram!

Filch: The things I put up with.... [Leaves]

[Dumbledore opens the casket to reveal the Goblet of Fire, which he sets on top of its case.]

Snape: It really says some unsettling things about this school that the best impartial selector Dumbledore could procure is an inanimate object!

Dumbledore: Sooooo, if you want to enter into the tournament, just put your name in the goblet. Pretty self-explanatory, I should think. Oh, by the way, there ARE magical wards to prevent people under seventeen from entering. HOWEVER!! do NOT enter this tournament lightly because it is VERY HIGHLY DANGEROUS! Too many of your ancestors have gotten hurt competing in this tournament. And you can't drop out of the tournament once you enter; that's the rules.

Fred: Oh, we can just take an aging solution to fool Dumbledore's enchantments. It's not like a cup could tell what age you are.

Hermione: Did it ever occur to you that age restrictions are in place for a reason? They probably just believe that people under age seventeen won't have learned enough.

George: Harry, are YOU planning to participate in the tournament?

Harry: Well, I'm underage.

Fred: Yes but you're the main character! It's not like you to miss such a huge part of the story's plot.

[Meanwhile, the Durmstrang students are preparing to return to their boat to sleep.]

Karkaroff: Viktor, would you like some wine to make you feel better?

Krum: ...No thanks....

Other Durmstrang boy: Ooh! Can I have some wine?! I wanna get drunk!

Karkaroff: Considering you get food all over yourself even when you're sober, I'd hate to see what you're like drunk!

Other Durmstrang boy: You're mean! [Cries]

[Karkaroff spots Harry as he leaves.]

Karkaroff: Harry Potter?! 0.o

Moody: Yes, quite right. What about him?

Karkaroff: AAAH! It's Mad-Eye Moody! [Shrieks in horror]

Moody: Oh, get out you piece of trash before you block the doorway!

Karkaroff: Very well.... [Storms out with his students in tow]

Durmstrang students: -_-

[The next morning...]

Ron: So, do you think anyone's actually put their name in the Goblet of Fire yet? After all, tonight's the night!

Random girl: Well, the people from Durmstrang have, but I dunno about Hogwarts.

[Fred, George, and Lee Jordan approach.]

Fred: So, we've just taken an Aging Potion that makes us a few months older! Now we're going to enter the Tournament!

Hermione: You do realize that that's so obvious a trick Dumbledore's almost certainly thought of it and taken it into account.

George: Well, it's worth a try, anyway!

[Fred and George put their names in the goblet, which leads to them being thrown out of the magic circle and growing beards]

Dumbledore: You too? Off to the Hospital Wing you get, now.

[Fred and George run off, followed by Lee Jordan.]

Jordan: Now I'm glad you two always have to be first at everything....

Dean: So I heard a Slytherin entered his name.

Harry: Oh, that's no good! We can't have a Slytherin champion—it would be a disaster!

Seamus: And Cedric Diggory too—the Hufflepuffs are talking him up!

Angelina: Well, you'll be happy to know that I've just turned seventeen and entered my name!

Hermione: Oh, wonderful! I sure do hope you get it!

Ron: After all, only a Gryffindor could possibly be good enough to represent Hogwarts in such an important tournament!

Seamus: Truer words were never spoken.

Angelina: Thanks, I could really use the extra screentime too.

Ron: So, now that that's done with, let's go do something fun!

Harry: Like visiting Hagrid?

Ron: ...Oh, fine! As long as we don't have to keep his pets entertained!

Hermione: Great, great, I'll bring my SPEW supplies!

Harry and Ron: [Facepalm]

[As Hermione runs off to get her things, the students from Beauxbatons enter their names into the Goblet of Fire as well.]

Ron: You know, it just occurred to me that all the foreign students have entered their names.

Harry: Well maybe they figured that since they've come this far for the tournament they might as well go all the way.

Ron: Two whole schools full of Gryffindors?! Holy shit—we're in trouble!

[When Hermione returns they go to see Hagrid, only to discover that he's done his best to dress fancy.]

Hermione: So... are you going to tell us more about your magical creatures, like you always do?

Hagrid: Well...they've started killing each other... so I've had to separate them. But there's still about twenty left!

Ron: Oh, no....

[They have tea...]

Hagrid: So, aren't you excited about the tournament? It's going to be GREAT! There's so many incredible challenges planned!

Hermione: That's nice. By the way, I'm trying to free House Elves. Want to help me do that?

Hagrid: But how many times do we have to hammer it in? House Elves live to look after people—it's in their nature. They'd only be insulted if you tried to take away their work.

Hermione: But Dobby was happy to be free!

Hagrid: He's an anomaly!

Hermione: You don't know that! There must be other factors!

Hagrid: YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!

Hermione: D:

[In the late afternoon, they return to school for the Halloween feast and the announcement of the champions!!!!]

Harry: By the way, Hagrid, why are you wearing that suit? And why did you do your hair?

Hagrid: Well... ah... the thing about that is....

[Madame Maxime comes on the scene with her students.]

Hagrid: [Makes eyes at Madame Maxime]

Madame Maxime: Bon soir, imbecile!

Hagrid: I really like you too!

[They go up to the castle together.]

Beauxbatons students: LOL

[Harry, Ron, and Hermione run ahead.]

Ron: Aww, our Hagrid has a crush. How cute!

[In the Great Hall, the students all sit down. Dumbledore is in possession of the Goblet of Fire and ready to pull names out of it.]

Fred: Oh, I do hope that Angelina wins and brings Gryffindor the glory we so rightfully deserve. Again!

Hermione: I know, right?

George: Wow Fred! You're so independent!

Fred: I guess I just have to enjoy it while it lasts.

[They eat dinner...]

Dumbledore: Alright, now we're going to read the champions.... In just a minute. The Goblet of Fire needs a bit more time!

Harry: Fuck! He's doing this on purpose!

[But a minute passes.]

Dumbledore: Alright, now for the moment you've all been waiting for! We get to see just who these champions are!

[The Goblet of Fire spits up a piece of paper.]

Dumbledore: The Durmstrang champion will be... Mr. Viktor Krum!

Karkaroff: Hooray! My only named student* thus far is going to represent me!

[The Goblet of Fire spits up a second piece of paper.]

Dumbledore: The Beauxbatons champion will be... Ms. Fleur Delacour!

Harry: Oh look, it's the Veela girl!

Madame Maxime: Hooray! My prettiest student is going to represent me!

Dumbledore: And last but certainly not least (in fact, best of all, since he's from here), the Hogwarts champion will be... Mr. Cedric Diggory!

Ron: A Hufflepuff champion? Really? How embarrassing can it get?

Dumbledore: Well, that's that done, let's get back to our festivities and have a great tournament! Oh, wait, something's happening!

[The Goblet of Fire spits out another name.]

Dumbledore: Unbelievable! Ladies and gentlemen, Harry Potter has just been entered into the Triwizard Tournament!

Harry: Hooray! I get to participate in the super-important plot device tournament after all! [Nervous laugh] Oh, boy. I get to participate in the super-important plot device tournament. This can't be good.

*A/N: Technically, the messy student from earlier has a name too, but he never says or does anything.