deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 27 (Reply)

[The second task is over, and Harry has been trying to relax.]

Harry: At least Ron’s version of things will distract people so I won’t have to tell them about my life as Eridan Ampora….

Ron: And then, the merpeople held me down, and proceeded to…!

Hermione: No, you were simply put to sleep by Dumbledore. Just like everyone else. I have no reason to think that would end badly, given Dumbledore’s track record.

Padma Patil: Now that I think about it, it really seems as though Dumbledore was trying to put the old adage “nobody is dead until they are warm and dead” to the test!

[Later on, Harry gets a letter from Sirius, requesting him to meet in Hogsmeade, as he heads down to Potions.]

Harry: Too bad that things will almost certainly get worse for me as soon as I get down to the dungeons.

[Sure enough, Pansy Parkinson has another article written by Rita Skeeter!]

Pansy: Hermione! Rita Skeeter’s making fun of you!

Hermione: Oh, yeah? Like how?

Pansy: She says the only reason why you have admirers is because you brew love potions! By the way, that was my idea!

Hermione: Fuck you!

Pansy: By the way, Hermione, apparently Krum wants you to visit him in Bulgaria now! Why’ve you gotta be so special?!

Hermione: Wait wait wait! How did Rita Skeeter know that?! He only told me that once, and that was after the second task! Rita Skeeter couldn’t possibly have been around at the time!

Pansy: Search me, ho!

Ron: Hey! Don’t call my future wife a ho! Hermione, I did tell you not to annoy Rita Skeeter.

Hermione: Eh, you know it isn’t true and I know it isn’t true, so what do we care what a couple of slimy Slytherins think?

Snape: Alright, that’s enough soap-opera theatrics for one class. I’m taking ten points from Gryffindor, and I’m going to separate the Terrible Trio that is Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Snape: And, I’m going to take Rita Skeeter’s article and read it aloud!

Harry: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Snape: Then it’s time for you to come clean. Harry, you’ve been sneaking into my office and stealing my stuff, haven’t you?

Harry: What? No! No I haven’t!

Snape: They how do you explain my missing gillyweed and Boomslang skin?

Harry: Oh, no! Boomslang skin?! That’s a major ingredient in Polyjuice potion! Now I wonder what that could possibly mean!

Snape: Aah, so you admit the deed?

Harry: No, no—I’m just making a mental note of plot devices!

Snape: Take THIS plot device, then! [Produces a bottle of clear potion] This is Veritaserum.

Harry: Voldemortserum?

Snape: No, you idiot—Veritaserum! A truth potion so powerful that three drops could have you telling the truth about everything!

Harry: Everything?

Snape: Everything…. Everything….

Harry: Alright, alright, I get the idea!

[Just then, Karkaroff enters!]

Snape: Fuck! And I was looking so deliciously intimidating, too!

Karkaroff: Snape, Snape! We have to discuss urgent plot matters!

Snape: Can’t it wait until after the lesson?

Karkaroff: No! I wanna talk with you right now! [Pouts]

Snape: What could you possibly want to talk to me about that requires me to leave the presence of the main characters?

Karkaroff: Aww… come on! Sharing secrets time!

Snape: As if you could prevent our protagonist Harry Potter over there from hearing our secret conversations regardless!

Karkaroff: Oh, fine! My arm’s been bothering me!

Snape: You mean… THAT arm?

Karkaroff: Yes—THAT arm!

Snape: Oh, THAT arm!

Harry: Wow! All this is just soooooo confusing! I have no idea what it could possibly mean!

[Anyway, later Harry goes with Ron and Hermione to Hogsmeade to hook up with Sirius. He appears before them in his dog form and leads them into a cave, where he transforms.]

Harry: Wow, Sirius—you look less like a zombie than you did the last time I saw you!

Sirius: I know, right? Just a little more time and I’ll be fit to act in absurdist comedy with Snape…! Okay, maybe not Snape per se….

Harry: We’ve brought you some food! [Produces chicken legs]

Sirius: Oh, joy! This is a welcome change—I’ve mostly been living off of rats. Trying to take my personal revenge on Peter, in case he turned out to be one, see.

Harry: Cool. So what’s up? Aren’t you afraid you’ll get caught?

Sirius: No; just about everyone around here thinks I’m just a dog. Anyway, though, I’ve been trying to keep on top of the headlines. Did you know that Crouch is seriously ill and the missing witch… is still missing?!

Harry: You don’t say!

Hermione: Maybe he’s just let himself go now that he doesn’t have his HOUSE ELF to take care of him anymore?

Sirius: Oh, so he no longer has his House Elf?

Harry: Nope—he abandoned her after the Quidditch World Cup ended and she was found with my wand, which someone had used to conjure the Dark Mark.

Sirius: Now that’s interesting. Harry, you think someone could have picked the wand from your pocket when you weren’t looking?

Harry: Oh, no! A completely obvious suggestion! I wonder why I didn’t think of that!

Hermione: It couldn’t have been the House Elf.

Sirius: No… but who else was in the box?

Harry: The Malfoys were!

Ron: Oh, that’s right! It was Malfoy! Obviously! He’s responsible for everything that’s ever gone wrong in these parts!

Hermione: Ron, you’re always jumping to conclusions. Come to think of it, Bagman was in the box as well.

Sirius: Who is Bagman?

Harry: A mysterious old beater who keeps trying to help me cheat in the tournament! Oh, well!

Hermione: You know, come to think of it—he was the last person we saw before the Dark Mark appeared!

Ron: Hermione, don’t be absurd. Bagman went to check on the riot; he couldn’t have conjured the Dark Mark!

Hermione: Did you actually see where he went to?

Ron: Don’t you dare go blaming Bagman for this! Bagman could in no way be a bad guy—he’s nice to Harry! Nobody who’s nice to Harry is ever truly bad!

Hermione: Well, what now? Are you suggesting the House Elf actually did it?

Ron: You’re just obsessed with House Elves!

Hermione: Oh, come off it!

Sirius: Hold up—I think we’re onto something. When Crouch saw his elf had the wand, what then did he do?

Harry: He just went off looking for someone else.

Sirius: Of course—someone else he could have blamed it on besides his elf!

Hermione: And then he gave her a totally undeserved sacking, yes….

Ron: Oh, will you stop acting like the House Elf has her own rights or opinions on anything?

Sirius: No, no—we’re approaching the answer now. I will say this—it isn’t like Crouch to be avoiding people this way. And just why would he ask his House Elf to save him a seat which he never showed up to take?

Harry: So, you know Crouch?

Sirius: Yes—he was the one who put me in Azkaban!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: *GASP*

Sirius: In fact, back in the days when Voldemort was in power he was so ruthless he actually sent me to Azkaban without a trial!

Harry: The monster!

Sirius: And then… the plot thickened. See, it turns out, Crouch’s own son was found in the company of Death Eaters. Nobody knows if he was really guilty or if he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but…

Hermione: But he tried to get his own son off, right?

Sirius: Noooooooo, he gave his son to the Dementors.

Harry: Oh, no. This is horrible.

Sirius: So, anyway, the boy died in Azkaban, as you do. Crouch’s wife died shortly thereafter, from grief, I guess. And that was that. Crouch’s good reputation was gone and he’s never been the same since.

Harry: And then there was Moody, our totally awesome Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, who says that Crouch hates the thought of a Death Eater going free.

Sirius: Could be. There’s no reason to think he’d enjoy the thought of a Death Eater going free.

Ron: So that’s why he searched Snape’s office! He’s trying to get Snape pinned as the Death Eater he so obviously is! Obviously!

Sirius: But that doesn’t make much sense; if Crouch suspects Snape then why doesn’t he come to the tournament to judge and use official resources?

Harry: I still say Snape’s up to something. I see no reason to doubt it.

Hermione: But… but… Dumbledore trusts Snape!

Ron: Yeah, well… you really think a wise and powerful dark sorcerer couldn’t fool Dumbledore if they tried really hard?

Hermione: Nonsense—what gave you that idea?

Sirius: Well, Snape did like the Dark Arts, even as a little boy. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Ron: Well, Snape has been interacting shiftily with Karkaroff on more than one occasion.

Harry: Yeah, speaking of, I saw the two of them do just that yesterday! Karkaroff kept showing Snape his arm!

Sirius: Oh, then maybe Snape really is evil…? Naw, I don’t think even Dumbledore would let someone who’d been a Death Eater work for him!

Ron: But… but… but… Snape is evil! EEEEVIIIIIIIIL! He’s mean to Harry!

Sirius: Yeah, whatever. That’s neither here nor there at this point. You have met Moody, haven’t you? Did you know that Moody never killed if he could help it? Therefore he’s more morally virtuous than Crouch, who’d killed people.

Hermione: OMG! Sirius, I just realized—Crouch actually appears to be a genuinely complex villain! So… what are the odds he’s going to outlast this one book?

Sirius: I’m saying slim to none.

Ron: Eh, maybe I’ll ask Percy if he’s seen Crouch. I’ll just have to remember to never say anything bad about him ever!

Sirius: So, anyway, Harry, keep sending me letters, but don’t actually go out of Hogwarts where you’re an easy target; you never know what might be lurking about. Alright, off you people get!

[Harry, Ron, and Hermione bid farewell to Sirius and get back to Hogwarts that night without incident.]

Ron: By the way, I just thought of something.

Hermione: Oh, yeah? Like what?

Ron: Percy would totally throw us to the Dementors if it were good for his career!

Hermione: *Facepalm* You don’t know that! Just because he admires Crouch doesn’t mean he even knows about that whole bit!

Ron: But he’s ambitious, Hermione! Ambitious people are all evil and ruthless!

Harry: Not this shit again….