deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 29

[The next day, Harry discusses the Crouch situation with Ron and Hermione.]

Ron: Maybe Crouch attacked Viktor and apparated away?

Harry: I doubt it—he seemed too weak for that.

Hermione: Anyway, you can't apparate onto or off of of Hogwarts grounds.

Ron: Remind me again why I don't know that?

Harry: Someone has to be stupid to make me look better, and if it was the girl that would be a bit tasteless.

Ron: Since Krum is a dirty foreigner, I'll bet he attacked Crouch. Maybe he stunned himself to throw off suspicion.

Hermione: Yes but where could he have hidden the body in the time it took Harry to get back?

Harry: Alright, lemme recap: Crouch wasn't making much sense last night but he mentioned he thought Bertha Jorkins was dead and that he felt sorry for his son.

Hermione: But there's no earthly way he could actually feel REMORSE—that would mean he was a more complex villain than this series can afford to have!

Harry: I did say he was rambling like a lunatic. But, anyway, he was at his most lucid when he was discussing Voldemort. He kept saying he had to see Dumbledore.

Ron: Well that's nice!

Harry: I totally would have gotten to Dumbledore in time if Snape hadn't cruelly intercepted me! Why does Snape always ruin everything?!

Ron: Maybe Snape is the one who attacked Krum?

Harry: But how could he have gotten out there in time?

Ron: By the power of his evil sliminess.

Hermione: Let's stay on topic. You think Moody would know about this? Maybe we should consult him!

Harry: Well, he's got the Marauder's Map, so we can only assume he knows.

Ron: Unless Crouch is out of the map's range....

[Just then, they hear voices from down the hallway!]

Fred: Let's just talk loudly about how we plan to blackmail someone, since it's not like anyone could hear us!

George: Nope! Not a soul!

[They enter the owlery with a letter.]

Ron: You two are blackmailing someone?

Fred: D'oh! You weren't supposed to overhear that!

Ron: It wasn't hard! Come on, are you two desperate to prove how dysfunctional my family is?

George: Oh, don't start thinking like Percy the Prefect! Wouldn't want to end up like him, would you?

Fred: Not that there's any chance of your actually being MADE a Prefect, of course!

George: Nope, not a snowball's chance in Hell.

Ron: Oh fuck you!

Fred: Ron, the sooner you realize that the life of a Chaotic is the only way to be, the better off you'll be in the long run.

[They send their letter off and leave.]

Hermione: Do you think they know about Crouch?

Harry: I doubt it. They may flout rules but they defer to Dumbledore when things get really bad.

Ron: I wouldn't be too sure of that—they're desperate for money. That's why they want to open their joke shop.

Hermione: If you're really concerned, why don't you tell Percy?

Ron: No way! Are you crazy? Percy idolized Crouch so much, he'd turn them into Azkaban straight away!

Hermione: You really think so?

Ron: Sure I'm sure! 'Cause he's ambitious like that!

[Later that day, they go speak to Professor Moody!]

Harry: Moody, you have the map. Did you see Mr. Crouch on it anywhere?

Moody: I did, indeed. Oh, but he's left the grounds.

Hermione: I'm wondering if someone made him do it.

Moody: Wow, that's brilliant! You'd make an auror easily!

Hermione: Hooray! One of the most notorious aurors thinks I'm auror material!

Ron: Lucky....

Moody: Now, I don't know what happened to Crouch—don't look at me! I haven't got the faintest clue! For reals!

Harry: Okay....

Moody: And don't you have a task to be preparing for?

Harry: Oh, I thought I'd just win by virtue of luck alone because I'm just that special.

Moody: Suit yourself. [to self] If worst comes to worst I'll cheat to help you win so you touch the trophy-portkey and get whisked straight to Voldemort anyway.

Harry: What?

Moody: Ah... Nothing! Constant vigilance!

[The next morning, Harry gets a letter from Sirius warning him not to do anything reckless again.]

Harry: Talk about a hypocrite—he spent his entire school career sneaking around being reckless!

Hermione: Be that as it may, he's got a point.

Harry: Well I don't like his point! Nobody's attacked me yet, and I have absolutely no reason to think anyone's going to start attacking soon! Absolutely none! Seriously!

Hermione: Riiiiiiight. Never mind that someone must have snuck your name into a goblet for a highly-dangerous tournament. If you die during the tournament, well, it'll look like an accident.

Harry: Whoever it was could've killed both me and Krum and made it look like we were dueling to the death.

Hermione: Oh, sure, because people would have bought that!

Harry: Hey, it's possible!

[Over the next few days Harry, Ron, and Hermione spend all their time practicing charms and jinxes to prepare for the worst.]

Ron: And of course I have to be the target, don't I? Come on, couldn't we have just captured Mr. Norris's cat, Filch?

[One day, Harry falls asleep in Divination and has a strange dream about Voldemort and Wormtail...]

Harry: AAAAAAAAH!

Ron: Harry! What happened?!

Trelawney: You had a psychic dream, didn't you? Why am I not surprised?

Harry: No! That's wrong, you meanie! [Cries] I wanna go to the hospital wing nooooooooow!

Trelawney: Suit yourself, but stop pretending Divination doesn't work if you're going to have psychic dreams from this book on!

[Harry goes to Dumbledore's office, where he shouts passwords at the gargoyle, none of which work.]

Harry: Damn you, Dumbledore! I need to see you and your gargoyle won't let me in! Cockroach cluster!

[That gets the gargoyle to open.]

Harry: Dumbledore, here I cooooooo—huh?

[Sure enough, there are people talking on the other side of his door!]

Fudge: So, let me get this straight. You think Crouch's disappearance was foul play, and had something to do with Bertha Jorkins'?

Dumbledore: Pretty much. Don't agree with me? Too bad.

Fudge: Maybe he's just snapped and gone wandering off?

Dumbledore: If that's the case, he's dangerous in his own right. But no, no, you're quite wrong. I'm always right about these things.

Fudge: Maybe it's Madame Maxime's fault? She's half-giant, after all. And I have to show myself to be a sleazeball somehow so you can look better by comparison.

Dumbledore: Your racist ways offend me.

Fudge: Need I point out that Hagrid, the half-giant on your staff, actually is dangerous, albeit inadvertently, because of his pet monsters?

Dumbledore: But he's only dangerous in an awesome way!

Fudge: ...Seriously?

Moody: As illuminating as this conversation is, I sense that Harry Potter is afoot. We should exit and leave him to get up to mischief.

Dumbledore: Good idea! Off we go

Fudge: Sure, whatever.

Harry: Oh, no! I missed Dumbledore! Oh, but I'm sure I'll find something exciting in his office! Last time I found a Phoenix!

[Harry wanders into Dumbledore's office....]