Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 5
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deathtocapslock[When last we left our heroes, they were staring at an evil screaming portrait which Sirius claimed was his mother.]
Harry: That crazy lady was your mother?!
Sirius: Well, yes. This house used to belong to her, but now that I’m the last Black standing, it’s fallen to me.
Harry: Wow, that’s horrible!
Sirius: Anyway, I’ve leant it to Dumbledore to use as headquarters for his Order of the Phoenix, since there’s no other way I can sacrifice myself to the cause—hint, hint.
[They go down to dinner, to find the rest of the Weasleys and several other Order members there, all packing up suspicious-looking parchments]
Harry: What’s in all those parchments?
Bill: That’s none of your beeswax! Sit down like a good boy while we get dinner ready!
Mrs. Weasley: Alright, who wants to help me set the table?
Tonks: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick meeeeee! [Knocks over chair]
Mrs. Weasley: No thank you. Ginny! Other children! Come help me!
Mundungus: By the way, Harry, I’m really sorry I left you to fend for yourself against Dementors, but I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to engage in shady business dealings!
Harry: As if I would ever accept an apology from the likes of you!
Sirius: I wish the only things I had to worry about were Dementors.
Harry: What?! How could you say such a thing?!
Sirius: It beats being cooped up for a month in a house which I hate.
Harry: But why would Dumbledore keep you in here?
Sirius: Because, it’s no longer safe for me to go outside, now that Wormtail could have told Voldemort about my disguise. That’s what he says, anyway—I of course would gladly sacrifice myself for the greater good. Again, hint hint.
Harry: Have you contemplated suicide recently?
Sirius: At this rate I just may kill myself by the time this book’s out—if someone else doesn’t get to me first. Oh, and did I mention Snape taunts me because he doesn’t think I could possibly be suffering as much as he does?
Harry: The fiend! You are so much more worthy of sympathy than he is!
Fred and George: We’re doing irresponsible magic!
[Fred and George cast a spell on the pot holding dinner, causing it to skid over the table and leave burn marks in its wake]
Mrs. Weasley: YOU IDIOTS! YOU COULD HAVE JUST CARRIED THEM!
Fred: But that would be sensible!
Mr. Weasley: Yeah, well, do you two not grasp the idea that you’re legal adults?
Sirius: [Laughing hysterically] Well what can you expect? We’re wizards—we never grow up!
Mrs. Weasley: Percy did…. [Cries]
Bill: Mother, let’s just eat dinner. You’re ruining the comedic flow of the scene.
[They eat dinner…]
Tonks: Want me to change the shape of my nose? I’m so delightfully quirky and fun at parties!
Ginny: Oh, yes! Pleeeeeease!
Harry: Is anyone going to discuss plot-related stuff?
Bill: So, near as I can tell the goblins are choosing to remain neutral in the fight against You-Know-Who.
Mr. Weasley: But…that’s tantamount to teaming up with You-Know-Who! The only people we can trust are those who swear undying loyalty to us!
Lupin: Unfortunately, we really aren’t doing ourselves any favors by obviously looking down on them.
Harry: Ooh! This looks promising!
[But they’re interrupted by…]
Mundungus: …And that was how I swindled this man out of his own merchandise! Aren’t I so clever?
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, go fuck yourself!
Harry: Why do we even have someone like Mundungus helping us?
Sirius: Because he’s loyal to Dumbledore, in a word.
Harry: That’s it?
Sirius: And…I dunno, he’s there to be the comic relief when he gets abused by everyone else in the Order who’s more dignified and focused.
[After dinner…]
Sirius: So, Harry, you seen awfully uncurious about the return of Voldemort, who I’m sure is behind all your recent troubles.
Harry: Well, I tried asking people about Voldemort but those meanies over there won’t give me any information at all! [Moans piteously] Sirius, will you please chew them out for me until they tell me everything? [Makes puppy-dog eyes]
Sirius: Alright, which one of you has been keeping secrets from Harry like he’s a little kid?
Mrs. Weasley: What’s it to you? Harry doesn’t need to know more than he already does.
Sirius: Come on—he’s the main character. He’s bound to find out sooner or later.
Mrs. Weasley: That’s true…. But still….
Fred: It’s not fair that you let Harry in on this and not us!
Sirius: Well, if your parents say you can’t get in on the meetings, that’s their call. But Harry has no parents.
Mrs. Weasley: I can stand in as his parent!
Sirius: But you still aren’t his parent. You’ve only known him for the last five years.
Mrs. Weasley: But…who else will call him son? Those horrible muggles who abuse him with pipe cleaners and toilet seats?
Sirius: …They did what to you?
Harry: They ABUSED ME, is what!
Lupin: We know! You never shut up about that!
Harry: Because it’s TRUE and it causes me SO MUCH AGONY!
Lupin: Well…anyway, to get back on topic, don’t you think we ought to at least let Harry decide, instead of making all his decision for him?
Mrs. Weasley: He’s capable of making his own decisions? I hadn’t noticed.
Harry: Well, I do want to know what’s going on. And I think I’m owed an explanation after everything that’s happened, thank you very much.
Mrs. Weasley: Alright, you win. But my children must go.
Fred and George: Even if we’re overage?
Ron: Even if we’re Harry’s best friend?
Ginny: Even if we’re…ah…Harry’s potential love interest?
Mr. Weasley: I don’t think we can keep Fred and George away—they’re of age.
Mrs. Weasley: Alright, fine, they can stay, but everyone else has to go.
Ron: But Harry’s just going to tell me everything later anyway…right, Harry?
Harry: Gee, I dunno. Maybe I should keep you in the dark to see how YOU like it?
Ron: You’re mean! [Cries]
Harry: What? I’m only joking!
Ginny: But…but…I DON’T WANNA miss the plot-important meeting!
Mrs. Weasley: There will be opportunities for you to get involved with the plot. This is not it. Off to bed.
Ginny: Fine, be that way! [Storms off]
[Once everyone else leaves, the conversation resumes.]
Harry: So, first of all, just what new information do you have on Voldemort?
Sirius: We know that he’s been keeping a low profile.
Lupin: See, he wasn’t expecting you to survive the showdown in the graveyard.
Harry: I could have figured that much out myself, thanks.
Lupin: Yeah, well…the fact that you survived meant that you could tell Dumbledore and he could call the Order of the Phoenix together again.
Sirius: So what we’re working on is stopping Voldemort from regrouping and getting more followers.
Tonks: Which, just for the record, would be a lot easier if Minister of Magic Cornelia Fuck wasn’t busy acting like Dumbledore was going senile and the rumor that Voldemort returned is all a pack of lies!
Harry: That bastard! We should hex him until he turns into a giant, fat slug!
Lupin: It’s the evils of ambition again. Cornelius Fudge used to be properly deferential to Dumbledore but now that Cornelius has come to like being in charge for its own sake he and Dumbledore no longer see eye to eye which makes him a traitor. Not that anyone wants to believe Voldemort’s back in the first place. The Daily Prophet has been telling anyone getting Dumbledore’s messages that he’s getting too old and his Alzheimer’s is dangerous.
Harry: Dumbledore doesn’t have Alzheimer’s!
Lupin: Yeah, well, even that lie is more comfortable than the revelation that Voldemort is back.
Harry: Alright, here’s one for the table: just how can Voldemort completely escape detection if he’s going around recruiting people?
Sirius: He’s Voldemort. He probably just bewitches them to do as he says, or threatens their lives or families. Oh, by the way…I also have it on good authority that he’s after…something…very…important.
Harry: Gaaah! Don’t talk that way—you’re remind me of Snape!
Sirius: Sorry.
Harry: So…what is he after?
Sirius: Oh, just a super-secret plot coupon.
Harry: What kind of super-secret plot coupon?
Mrs. Weasley: None that can’t wait another book or two. Harry, you really have to get into bed. Any more revelations could change the course of the plot.
Lupin: Mrs. Weasley’s right. We can’t let you join the Order of the Phoenix because you’re underage. You can figure out your own way of contributing to the plot.
Harry: Fine! I won’t forget this!
Harry: That crazy lady was your mother?!
Sirius: Well, yes. This house used to belong to her, but now that I’m the last Black standing, it’s fallen to me.
Harry: Wow, that’s horrible!
Sirius: Anyway, I’ve leant it to Dumbledore to use as headquarters for his Order of the Phoenix, since there’s no other way I can sacrifice myself to the cause—hint, hint.
[They go down to dinner, to find the rest of the Weasleys and several other Order members there, all packing up suspicious-looking parchments]
Harry: What’s in all those parchments?
Bill: That’s none of your beeswax! Sit down like a good boy while we get dinner ready!
Mrs. Weasley: Alright, who wants to help me set the table?
Tonks: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick meeeeee! [Knocks over chair]
Mrs. Weasley: No thank you. Ginny! Other children! Come help me!
Mundungus: By the way, Harry, I’m really sorry I left you to fend for yourself against Dementors, but I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to engage in shady business dealings!
Harry: As if I would ever accept an apology from the likes of you!
Sirius: I wish the only things I had to worry about were Dementors.
Harry: What?! How could you say such a thing?!
Sirius: It beats being cooped up for a month in a house which I hate.
Harry: But why would Dumbledore keep you in here?
Sirius: Because, it’s no longer safe for me to go outside, now that Wormtail could have told Voldemort about my disguise. That’s what he says, anyway—I of course would gladly sacrifice myself for the greater good. Again, hint hint.
Harry: Have you contemplated suicide recently?
Sirius: At this rate I just may kill myself by the time this book’s out—if someone else doesn’t get to me first. Oh, and did I mention Snape taunts me because he doesn’t think I could possibly be suffering as much as he does?
Harry: The fiend! You are so much more worthy of sympathy than he is!
Fred and George: We’re doing irresponsible magic!
[Fred and George cast a spell on the pot holding dinner, causing it to skid over the table and leave burn marks in its wake]
Mrs. Weasley: YOU IDIOTS! YOU COULD HAVE JUST CARRIED THEM!
Fred: But that would be sensible!
Mr. Weasley: Yeah, well, do you two not grasp the idea that you’re legal adults?
Sirius: [Laughing hysterically] Well what can you expect? We’re wizards—we never grow up!
Mrs. Weasley: Percy did…. [Cries]
Bill: Mother, let’s just eat dinner. You’re ruining the comedic flow of the scene.
[They eat dinner…]
Tonks: Want me to change the shape of my nose? I’m so delightfully quirky and fun at parties!
Ginny: Oh, yes! Pleeeeeease!
Harry: Is anyone going to discuss plot-related stuff?
Bill: So, near as I can tell the goblins are choosing to remain neutral in the fight against You-Know-Who.
Mr. Weasley: But…that’s tantamount to teaming up with You-Know-Who! The only people we can trust are those who swear undying loyalty to us!
Lupin: Unfortunately, we really aren’t doing ourselves any favors by obviously looking down on them.
Harry: Ooh! This looks promising!
[But they’re interrupted by…]
Mundungus: …And that was how I swindled this man out of his own merchandise! Aren’t I so clever?
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, go fuck yourself!
Harry: Why do we even have someone like Mundungus helping us?
Sirius: Because he’s loyal to Dumbledore, in a word.
Harry: That’s it?
Sirius: And…I dunno, he’s there to be the comic relief when he gets abused by everyone else in the Order who’s more dignified and focused.
[After dinner…]
Sirius: So, Harry, you seen awfully uncurious about the return of Voldemort, who I’m sure is behind all your recent troubles.
Harry: Well, I tried asking people about Voldemort but those meanies over there won’t give me any information at all! [Moans piteously] Sirius, will you please chew them out for me until they tell me everything? [Makes puppy-dog eyes]
Sirius: Alright, which one of you has been keeping secrets from Harry like he’s a little kid?
Mrs. Weasley: What’s it to you? Harry doesn’t need to know more than he already does.
Sirius: Come on—he’s the main character. He’s bound to find out sooner or later.
Mrs. Weasley: That’s true…. But still….
Fred: It’s not fair that you let Harry in on this and not us!
Sirius: Well, if your parents say you can’t get in on the meetings, that’s their call. But Harry has no parents.
Mrs. Weasley: I can stand in as his parent!
Sirius: But you still aren’t his parent. You’ve only known him for the last five years.
Mrs. Weasley: But…who else will call him son? Those horrible muggles who abuse him with pipe cleaners and toilet seats?
Sirius: …They did what to you?
Harry: They ABUSED ME, is what!
Lupin: We know! You never shut up about that!
Harry: Because it’s TRUE and it causes me SO MUCH AGONY!
Lupin: Well…anyway, to get back on topic, don’t you think we ought to at least let Harry decide, instead of making all his decision for him?
Mrs. Weasley: He’s capable of making his own decisions? I hadn’t noticed.
Harry: Well, I do want to know what’s going on. And I think I’m owed an explanation after everything that’s happened, thank you very much.
Mrs. Weasley: Alright, you win. But my children must go.
Fred and George: Even if we’re overage?
Ron: Even if we’re Harry’s best friend?
Ginny: Even if we’re…ah…Harry’s potential love interest?
Mr. Weasley: I don’t think we can keep Fred and George away—they’re of age.
Mrs. Weasley: Alright, fine, they can stay, but everyone else has to go.
Ron: But Harry’s just going to tell me everything later anyway…right, Harry?
Harry: Gee, I dunno. Maybe I should keep you in the dark to see how YOU like it?
Ron: You’re mean! [Cries]
Harry: What? I’m only joking!
Ginny: But…but…I DON’T WANNA miss the plot-important meeting!
Mrs. Weasley: There will be opportunities for you to get involved with the plot. This is not it. Off to bed.
Ginny: Fine, be that way! [Storms off]
[Once everyone else leaves, the conversation resumes.]
Harry: So, first of all, just what new information do you have on Voldemort?
Sirius: We know that he’s been keeping a low profile.
Lupin: See, he wasn’t expecting you to survive the showdown in the graveyard.
Harry: I could have figured that much out myself, thanks.
Lupin: Yeah, well…the fact that you survived meant that you could tell Dumbledore and he could call the Order of the Phoenix together again.
Sirius: So what we’re working on is stopping Voldemort from regrouping and getting more followers.
Tonks: Which, just for the record, would be a lot easier if Minister of Magic Cornelia Fuck wasn’t busy acting like Dumbledore was going senile and the rumor that Voldemort returned is all a pack of lies!
Harry: That bastard! We should hex him until he turns into a giant, fat slug!
Lupin: It’s the evils of ambition again. Cornelius Fudge used to be properly deferential to Dumbledore but now that Cornelius has come to like being in charge for its own sake he and Dumbledore no longer see eye to eye which makes him a traitor. Not that anyone wants to believe Voldemort’s back in the first place. The Daily Prophet has been telling anyone getting Dumbledore’s messages that he’s getting too old and his Alzheimer’s is dangerous.
Harry: Dumbledore doesn’t have Alzheimer’s!
Lupin: Yeah, well, even that lie is more comfortable than the revelation that Voldemort is back.
Harry: Alright, here’s one for the table: just how can Voldemort completely escape detection if he’s going around recruiting people?
Sirius: He’s Voldemort. He probably just bewitches them to do as he says, or threatens their lives or families. Oh, by the way…I also have it on good authority that he’s after…something…very…important.
Harry: Gaaah! Don’t talk that way—you’re remind me of Snape!
Sirius: Sorry.
Harry: So…what is he after?
Sirius: Oh, just a super-secret plot coupon.
Harry: What kind of super-secret plot coupon?
Mrs. Weasley: None that can’t wait another book or two. Harry, you really have to get into bed. Any more revelations could change the course of the plot.
Lupin: Mrs. Weasley’s right. We can’t let you join the Order of the Phoenix because you’re underage. You can figure out your own way of contributing to the plot.
Harry: Fine! I won’t forget this!
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