Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 8

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Harry: OMG! I…I recognize this place! It’s the exact same place I visited in Dumbledore’s Pensieve last book!

Voice from down the hall: Hurry up, we don’t have all day!

Harry: You meanie! I didn’t know about the time change!

Voice from down the hall: First rule of being a martyr-complexed hero: everything is your fault!

Harry: [Cries and runs into a chair in the center of the room]

Fudge: Alright, now that you’re here we can get this trial underway!

Percy: Oh, yes! I await your bidding, Minister.

Fudge: Just…take notes.

Percy: Ever your humblest of servants.

Fudge: Yes, quite.

Harry: Ooh! Percy’s such a bastard! Look at the way he fawns over Fudge—clearly he must be a Slytherin at heart!

Fudge: So, anyway, you are hereby charged with violating the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery and the International Statute of Secrecy.

Harry: Can’t you just go back to treating me the way you did in the third book?

Fudge: Times have changed! Oh, by the way, meet Amelia Bones and Dolores Umbridge. Please do not make fun of their names.

Umbridge: Call me Doris Rumbridge at your peril. [Glares daggers at Harry]

Harry: You’re a villain, aren’t you?

Fudge: Oh, and Dumbledore is here defending you.

Harry: Dumbledore! My precious angel! [Cries tears of joy]

Dumbledore: Alright, what have you done to my fanboy here?

Fudge: By the way, Dumbledore, how did you know about the change in meeting times?

Dumbledore: It’s magic, stupid!

Fudge: Whatever. Harry, this would be the first time you set off magic in a Muggle area.

Harry: Yes but the last time you didn’t punish me! It’s you who is inconsistent!

Fudge: Consistency is for muggles!

Amelia Bones: Wait a moment—Harry, did you by any chance produce…a corporeal patronus?

Harry: What’s that? I do not knew words.

Amelia Bones: A corporeal patronus has a definite form.

Harry: Oh, in that case, yeah! It’s a big hunky stag just like my big hunky dad.

Amelia Bones: Harry, that’s amazing! Even grown wizards struggle with that—how ever did you learn to do it in school?!

Harry: Remus Lupin taught me!

Fudge: Are we losing track of the matter at hand here?

Percy: Yes, we clearly are. Harry, you still performed this thing in front of a muggle.

Harry: But it was a matter of life or death you asshole! I had to! Otherwise the Dementors would have killed me!

Amelia Bones: Dementors? There were Dementors in a muggle neighborhood?

Fudge: Typical women—always making sense….

Amelia Bones: This is a serious problem, if Dementors got into a muggle neighborhood!

Fudge: Don’t listen to him—he’s lying!

Harry: I’m not lying! Why would I lie to anyone?! What do you think I am, a slimy Slytherin?!

Dumbledore: Oh, don’t worry—I have a witness who can speak on Harry’s behalf!

Fudge: Oh, really? And who might this witness be?

Dumbledore: Mrs. Figg!

Fudge: Who?

Dumbledore: In fact, she’s just outside!

Fudge: Percy, go get this Mrs. Figg person.

Percy: As my lord and master commands.

[He runs out and comes back with Mrs. Figg]

Fudge: So…who are you?

Mrs. Figg: I’m Arabella Figg, and I’m a squib. That’s why you don’t have my name registered anywhere.

Fudge: Can squibs even see Dementors?

Mrs. Figg: Yes we can, you idiot! Anyway, I was out buying cat food when I found two Dementors menacing a couple of innocent boys on the street, including Mr. Potter here.

Amelia Bones: Well how can we prove that you saw the Dementors yourself and aren’t just talking based on third-hand accounts?

Mrs. Figg: Because, when I saw the Dementors I suddenly felt dark and cold, and I wondered if I would ever be horny again.

Amelia Bones: Alright, that was too much information.

Mrs. Figg: Too much information or not, I saw the Dementors attack the boys, and I saw Mr. Potter fend them off with his patronus.

Fudge: I still don’t believe her.

Amelia Bones: You don’t believe her? What more evidence do you require?

Fudge: But how on earth would a Dementor just happen to show up in a muggle neighborhood?

Dumbledore: Oh, I don’t know, maybe…some evil monster put them there?!

Fudge: But how? The Dementors work for the Ministry!

Dumbledore: Maybe they’ve switched their allegiance?

Fudge: What makes you think that would happen?

Dumbledore: Or maybe, just maybe, someone in the Ministry ordered them to attack Harry extralegally?

Fudge: No!

Dumbledore: Yes!

Umbridge: Oh shit, I’ve been disc—ah, I mean, how horrible! You must be lying!

Dumbledore: I never lie. Except when it suits my purposes.

Umbridge: [Dryly] Oh, really?

Fudge: You’ve got no proof we’re responsible for those attacks!

Dumbledore: Yet you insist that there are no Dementors outside Ministry control?

Fudge: That’s my business—it isn’t yours! Anyway, can we just get back to how we’re going to punish Harry and make him into more of a woobie?

Dumbledore: Harry’s got enough woobie points as it is and he’s only going to rack up more over the next couple of books. I still think those Dementors are your fault, and Harry acted only in self-defense.

Fudge: Can we still convict Harry for the other times he used magic around muggles?

Dumbledore: But they were accidents, and you decided to turn a blind eye to his blowing up his aunt!

Fudge: Can we still punish him for being a bad, disruptive student?

Dumbledore: No, because only I have the power to control what goes on in Hogwarts.

Fudge: But I want him to be punished for being the main character and stuff! [Cries]

Dumbledore: Alright, now you’ve gone completely off the rails.

Harry: Dumbledore…you do realize I’m standing right here, right? Aren’t you going to ask me anything? Or even look at me? [Cries] You’re breaking my heart!

Amelia Bones: Eh…let’s just put this to a vote. Majority rules. All in favor of convicting Harry?

[Less than half raise their hands, though some do]

Amelia Bones: And all against?

[More than half raise their hands]

Amelia Bones: Alright, we clear Harry of all charges. Let’s get this subplot over with so we can go to lunch.