http://sweettalkeress.livejournal.com/ (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
deathtocapslock2014-11-16 07:05 am
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com) wrote in deathtocapslock2014-11-16 07:05 am
Entry tags:
Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 20
[They grab their invisibility cloak and go out to Hagrid’s hut]
Harry: Hagrid! We’re here!
Hagrid: Oh, good. I’ve missed you. [He invites them inside]
Hermione: Wow, Hagrid—you look terrible!
Hagrid: Do I? [Slaps a large steak on his face to cool his bruises]
Harry: Yes, you do! What happened?
Hagrid: I can’t tell you that now—you’ll have to wait for the most appropriately dramatic moment.
Ron: The most appropriately-dramatic moment?! But you barely seem able to walk and your face barely looks like a face anymore!
Hagrid: It’s top secret anyway.
Harry: Well, if it’s top secret, who better to tell than the three main characters?
Hermione: It wouldn’t have anything to do with giants, would it?
Hagrid: How ever did you guess?!
Hermione: Called it!
Hagrid: Well, you’ve got me. I suppose I have to relate what I’ve been up to now.
Ron: Great! You can swap stories with Harry—you know he was attacked by Dementors earlier.
Hagrid: No!
Hermione: Yes!
Harry: They just showed up at my home and attacked my cousin and me. And then the Ministry almost had me expelled for using the Patronus charm! [Cries]
Hagrid: Wow, things really have gotten bad since I left!
Harry: Well…never mind that now. Just tell us what you’ve been up to!
Hagrid: Alright, alright. So I left with Olympe—Madame Maxime, you’ll remember.
Ron: [Groans] How could we forger?
Hagrid: Right. So this was after last term ended, and we traveled for about a month before we found the giants.
Ron: Why did it take you so long to get there?
Hagrid: Well…we couldn’t very well use a Portkey, because we were being followed.
Ron: Followed?!
Hagrid: It’s because we’re so close to Dumbledore, and anyone close enough to him is treated with suspicion. Anyway, we had someone tailing us through most of France, but when we lost him we were able to use a bit more magic to travel until we found the giants. Did you know that giants used to be much more numerous, but now there’s only about eighty left?
Hermione: Why ever would that be?
Hagrid: Well, Dumbledore says it’s the wizards who force them to live together where they have no choice but to fight over limited resources. I say they just like killing each other.*
Harry: And what happened once you found them?
Hagrid: We took their chief a present. Apparently they’re so stupid that the only way we can get close to them without being killed is by giving them gifts. Anyway, this chief was named Karkus and when I mentioned that the gift was from Dumbledore he seemed to like it, so we took that as a good sign.
Harry: What did he say to you?
Hagrid: Well, he didn’t speak English, so he had to get a translator to help….
Harry: Unbelievable! You mean these creatures who have probably never been to Britain a day in their life can’t just speak our language?! How stupid must they be?!**
Hagrid: So the next day we came back with another present, and we talked about Dumbledore, and Karkus seemed to be interested in Dumbledore so we decided he was on our side. But that night he was killed and another giant named Golgomath took his place! He almost had us killed just for getting near him, and Olympe had to use magic to save us, which made the giants even angrier….
Hermione: And that was when you left?
Hagrid: No, not at all. We stayed for a few days, just watching the giants, and we found out—get this—Golgomath is in league with the Death Eaters!
Harry: What?!
Hagrid: Yes. So we spent the rest of the trip trying to make contact with the giants who hadn’t wanted Golgomath as their chief. We had some success for a while, but then they all ended up dead, or else turned away to save themselves.
Hermione: Hagrid, I just thought of something. Did you hear from your mother while you were visiting the giants?
Hagrid: I asked, but she’s been dead for years.
Hermione: Oh. Never mind, then.
Ron: So…is that why you look like such a mess?
Hagrid: I told you, you’ll find out at the most appropriately dramatic moment!
Umbridge: [From outside] Is anyone in here?
Hagrid: Oh, good—saved by the bell!
Ron: No, this is bad! We have to hide now! [He, Harry, and Hermione disappear under the cloak]
Hagrid: Did I miss something?
[Umbridge walks inside]
Umbridge: Hello.
Hagrid: Who the hell are you?
Umbridge: I’m Dolores Umbridge, the greatest villain—I mean, Ministry official the world has ever seen.
Hagrid: Okay….
Umbridge: Anyway, I just heard you talking to someone, and I saw footprints leading to your door, so I decided to investigate.
Hagrid: Oh, that’s nothing—those all came from my dog.
Umbridge: I distinctly remember hearing human voices talking to you.
Hagrid: Well, my dog’s near enough human sometimes…
Umbridge: Uh-huh. Would you mind telling me why you’ve gotten so injured?
Hagrid: I fell down the stairs.
Umbridge: You? Fell down the stairs?
Hagrid: I cut myself shaving?
Umbridge: You expect me to believe that?
Hagrid: Alright, alright—here’s the honest truth. I was peeling a potato and my knife slipped, and--
Umbridge: Oh, never mind. Tell me, where have you been all this time?
Hagrid: I, ah, had a gig on Saturday Night Live!
Umbridge: You honestly expect me to believe that rubbish? How stupid do you think I am?! You’ve been doing Dumbledore’s undercover work, haven’t you?
Hagrid: No, that’s not it at all! What gave you that idea?!
Umbridge: Rubeus Hagrid, you’re lying to me. You’re hiding something, and when I find out what it is you will be very, very, very sorry!
Hagrid: W-what sort of thing do you have in mind?
Umbridge: I’ll be inspecting you. It’s become my sworn duty to weed out teachers that don’t perform to my standards.
Hagrid: Your standards?!
Umbridge: Because apparently Dumbledore utterly fails to have any at all! Good night! [Leaves]
[Once Umbridge is safely gone, Harry, Ron and Hermione remove the cloak]
Hagrid: I didn’t know you could inspect teachers.
Hermione: Well, she can. Say, what exactly do you want to teach us about?
Hagrid: I’m not telling you—they’ll be more dramatic and mysterious if I wait to reveal them until a crucial moment.
Ron: Harry, remember back a few books ago, where Hagrid was always there to provide us with information whenever we needed it?
Harry: Those were the days!
Hagrid: Very funny! I’m not going to tell you anything!
Hermione: But, seriously, don’t let Umbridge know that you give us dangerous animals to look at.
Hagrid: Dangerous? What are you talking about? Name one animal I’ve shown you that was dangerous!
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: …Well…
Hagrid: Oh, you’re no fun. Listen, it’s getting late. Just get back to bed.
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione return to their rooms]
Ron: Do you really think he’ll listen to you?
Hermione: Well, no…but I’m sure the plot will save him…somehow….
*A/N: You know, for someone who's half-giant Hagrid is remarkably contemptuous of that part of his heritage. I get that internalized prejudice is a thing, but we're never meant to see him as being WRONG for thinking this way!
**A/N: I exaggerate but only slightly--this too was in the text!
Harry: Hagrid! We’re here!
Hagrid: Oh, good. I’ve missed you. [He invites them inside]
Hermione: Wow, Hagrid—you look terrible!
Hagrid: Do I? [Slaps a large steak on his face to cool his bruises]
Harry: Yes, you do! What happened?
Hagrid: I can’t tell you that now—you’ll have to wait for the most appropriately dramatic moment.
Ron: The most appropriately-dramatic moment?! But you barely seem able to walk and your face barely looks like a face anymore!
Hagrid: It’s top secret anyway.
Harry: Well, if it’s top secret, who better to tell than the three main characters?
Hermione: It wouldn’t have anything to do with giants, would it?
Hagrid: How ever did you guess?!
Hermione: Called it!
Hagrid: Well, you’ve got me. I suppose I have to relate what I’ve been up to now.
Ron: Great! You can swap stories with Harry—you know he was attacked by Dementors earlier.
Hagrid: No!
Hermione: Yes!
Harry: They just showed up at my home and attacked my cousin and me. And then the Ministry almost had me expelled for using the Patronus charm! [Cries]
Hagrid: Wow, things really have gotten bad since I left!
Harry: Well…never mind that now. Just tell us what you’ve been up to!
Hagrid: Alright, alright. So I left with Olympe—Madame Maxime, you’ll remember.
Ron: [Groans] How could we forger?
Hagrid: Right. So this was after last term ended, and we traveled for about a month before we found the giants.
Ron: Why did it take you so long to get there?
Hagrid: Well…we couldn’t very well use a Portkey, because we were being followed.
Ron: Followed?!
Hagrid: It’s because we’re so close to Dumbledore, and anyone close enough to him is treated with suspicion. Anyway, we had someone tailing us through most of France, but when we lost him we were able to use a bit more magic to travel until we found the giants. Did you know that giants used to be much more numerous, but now there’s only about eighty left?
Hermione: Why ever would that be?
Hagrid: Well, Dumbledore says it’s the wizards who force them to live together where they have no choice but to fight over limited resources. I say they just like killing each other.*
Harry: And what happened once you found them?
Hagrid: We took their chief a present. Apparently they’re so stupid that the only way we can get close to them without being killed is by giving them gifts. Anyway, this chief was named Karkus and when I mentioned that the gift was from Dumbledore he seemed to like it, so we took that as a good sign.
Harry: What did he say to you?
Hagrid: Well, he didn’t speak English, so he had to get a translator to help….
Harry: Unbelievable! You mean these creatures who have probably never been to Britain a day in their life can’t just speak our language?! How stupid must they be?!**
Hagrid: So the next day we came back with another present, and we talked about Dumbledore, and Karkus seemed to be interested in Dumbledore so we decided he was on our side. But that night he was killed and another giant named Golgomath took his place! He almost had us killed just for getting near him, and Olympe had to use magic to save us, which made the giants even angrier….
Hermione: And that was when you left?
Hagrid: No, not at all. We stayed for a few days, just watching the giants, and we found out—get this—Golgomath is in league with the Death Eaters!
Harry: What?!
Hagrid: Yes. So we spent the rest of the trip trying to make contact with the giants who hadn’t wanted Golgomath as their chief. We had some success for a while, but then they all ended up dead, or else turned away to save themselves.
Hermione: Hagrid, I just thought of something. Did you hear from your mother while you were visiting the giants?
Hagrid: I asked, but she’s been dead for years.
Hermione: Oh. Never mind, then.
Ron: So…is that why you look like such a mess?
Hagrid: I told you, you’ll find out at the most appropriately dramatic moment!
Umbridge: [From outside] Is anyone in here?
Hagrid: Oh, good—saved by the bell!
Ron: No, this is bad! We have to hide now! [He, Harry, and Hermione disappear under the cloak]
Hagrid: Did I miss something?
[Umbridge walks inside]
Umbridge: Hello.
Hagrid: Who the hell are you?
Umbridge: I’m Dolores Umbridge, the greatest villain—I mean, Ministry official the world has ever seen.
Hagrid: Okay….
Umbridge: Anyway, I just heard you talking to someone, and I saw footprints leading to your door, so I decided to investigate.
Hagrid: Oh, that’s nothing—those all came from my dog.
Umbridge: I distinctly remember hearing human voices talking to you.
Hagrid: Well, my dog’s near enough human sometimes…
Umbridge: Uh-huh. Would you mind telling me why you’ve gotten so injured?
Hagrid: I fell down the stairs.
Umbridge: You? Fell down the stairs?
Hagrid: I cut myself shaving?
Umbridge: You expect me to believe that?
Hagrid: Alright, alright—here’s the honest truth. I was peeling a potato and my knife slipped, and--
Umbridge: Oh, never mind. Tell me, where have you been all this time?
Hagrid: I, ah, had a gig on Saturday Night Live!
Umbridge: You honestly expect me to believe that rubbish? How stupid do you think I am?! You’ve been doing Dumbledore’s undercover work, haven’t you?
Hagrid: No, that’s not it at all! What gave you that idea?!
Umbridge: Rubeus Hagrid, you’re lying to me. You’re hiding something, and when I find out what it is you will be very, very, very sorry!
Hagrid: W-what sort of thing do you have in mind?
Umbridge: I’ll be inspecting you. It’s become my sworn duty to weed out teachers that don’t perform to my standards.
Hagrid: Your standards?!
Umbridge: Because apparently Dumbledore utterly fails to have any at all! Good night! [Leaves]
[Once Umbridge is safely gone, Harry, Ron and Hermione remove the cloak]
Hagrid: I didn’t know you could inspect teachers.
Hermione: Well, she can. Say, what exactly do you want to teach us about?
Hagrid: I’m not telling you—they’ll be more dramatic and mysterious if I wait to reveal them until a crucial moment.
Ron: Harry, remember back a few books ago, where Hagrid was always there to provide us with information whenever we needed it?
Harry: Those were the days!
Hagrid: Very funny! I’m not going to tell you anything!
Hermione: But, seriously, don’t let Umbridge know that you give us dangerous animals to look at.
Hagrid: Dangerous? What are you talking about? Name one animal I’ve shown you that was dangerous!
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: …Well…
Hagrid: Oh, you’re no fun. Listen, it’s getting late. Just get back to bed.
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione return to their rooms]
Ron: Do you really think he’ll listen to you?
Hermione: Well, no…but I’m sure the plot will save him…somehow….
*A/N: You know, for someone who's half-giant Hagrid is remarkably contemptuous of that part of his heritage. I get that internalized prejudice is a thing, but we're never meant to see him as being WRONG for thinking this way!
**A/N: I exaggerate but only slightly--this too was in the text!
no subject
Umbridge: Rubeus Hagrid, you’re lying to me. You’re hiding something, and when I find out what it is you will be very, very, very sorry!
Reminds me of a Batman comic, where someone changed the Russian missile codes to match the DNA series of a baby, and so Batman was forced to take the baby out on the streets with him (the Batcave isn't really safe because the arch-terrorist Ra's al Gul knows the location) for three days until the codes change again. So we get those hilarious scenes where he catches muggers, puts out a fire, drives a bus (whose driver had a heart attack) to safety...all with one arm holding the baby. And near the end he threatened a gang who had surrounded a woman, "You know who I am, and what I'm capable of. But if you force me to do anything that might hurt this baby, you will all be very, very, sorry. [beat] Forever." And the gang members dropped their knives immediately. xD
no subject
Voldemort clearly has a good recruiting pitch. He gets werewolves and giants on his side. (Granted only two actually come to stomp Britain Godzilla-style, but that's two more than Dumbledore got, and it's probably hard to transport giants.) Gosh, if only Dumbledore in his infinite wisdom had taken the 13 years Voldemort was disembodied to do some networking of his own. But I suppose networking is Slughorn's job, and he retired, so Dumbledore just... um, decided Fudge and the Ministry would be good enough? Somehow I doubt that. Even if the wizarding world literally did nothing for the 10 years Harry was with the Dursleys full-time, you'd think that everything happening in the 4 years before Voldemort's rebirthday would have been good reminders that hey, maybe some proactive overtures of friendship would help put a stop to any future recruitment drives Voldemort might start.
But then, if Dumbledore thought like that, he would have been explaining to Slytherin parents why his policies were in their interest too and treating the Slytherin kids just like the others.
That awful Umbridge, getting snippy about a teacher skipping the beginning of a new term and just showing up with mysterious injuries and refusing to explain! No decent administrator would have a problem with that!
no subject
no subject
no subject
What just requiring teachers to be competent is bad?