Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 5

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Harry and Dumbledore go up to the Burrow…]

Mrs. Weasley: Who goes there? You wouldn’t be a spy or a Death Eater, would you?

Dumbledore: Nope, it’s just me and Harry!

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, then you’re alright. Come inside.

[They go inside…]

Tonks: Hello. Remember me from last book?

Harry: You don’t look so good. Did something happen to you?

Tonks: Who, me? No, no, it’s nothing at all, really!

Dumbledore: You say that but you don’t mean it.

Tonks: I do so mean it! Anyway I wouldn’t tell anyone even if it was something! Fare thee well! [Leaves]

Dumbledore: That reminds me—I should be off as well! [Leaves]

Mrs. Weasley: Hello, Harry. Sit down and I’ll fetch you some soup. [Mrs. Weasley does thus] So…what business did Dumbledore have with you?

Harry: He wanted me to meet a new teacher named Slutborn.

Mrs. Weasley: …I think you mean Slughorn?

Harry: Whatever.

Mrs. Weasley: He was a teacher at Hogwards when I was a student. Arthur and I never liked him, though—he never recognized Arthur or gave him any help. I can’t imagine why…. By the way, did I tell you he’s been promoted?

Harry: He has?—I mean, he has!

Mrs. Weasley: Yes, he has. People want him to help identify items being sold by con artists who claim they can protect against the Death Eaters.

Harry: Is he still at work?

Mrs. Weasley: Yes, he is. But he should be home soon.

[Sure enough, he comes home after just a few minutes]

Mr. Weasley: I’m home, honey! Won’t you ask me my security question?

Mrs. Weasley: Doesn’t the mere fact you’re asking about the question suggest that you’re not a Death Eater?

Mr. Weasley: If we don’t actually ask the questions they’re useless as security questions, aren’t they?

Mrs. Weasley: That’s true. Funny, that. Alright, what is your greatest ambition?

Mr. Weasley: To help airplanes stay up.

Mrs. Weasley: Good enough.

Mr. Weasley: I should ask you yours now.

Mrs. Weasley: I can’t do that, Harry Potter is with me!

Mr. Weasley: Come on.

Mrs. Weasley: Alright, alright.

Mr. Weasley: What do I like to call you in bed?

Mrs. Weasley: Mollywobbles. [Blushes]

Mr. Weasley: Alright, that’s good enough. [He comes inside] Hello, Harry.

[Mrs. Weasley serves him soup]

Mr. Weasley: So I’ve spent all day dealing with these medals. People sell them to you promising that you can change your shape if you wear them, but all that happens is that your skin turns orange and you sprout tentacles.

Mrs. Weasley: That sounds vaguely like something Fred and George would come up with. Should we be concerned about them?

Mr. Weasley: Nonsense—there’s no way any of our children could ever, ever be involved in something so terrible!

Harry: [Yawn]

Mrs. Weasley: Why don’t you sleep in Fred and George’s room?

Harry: I’m not sleepy! Not when there’s plot-relevant discussions to be had!

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, there’s nothing that plot-relevant happening right now. Go to bed and rest easy. I’ve even moved your trunk upstairs.

[Harry goes to Fred and George’s room]

Harry: Huh. It looks like they’ve left a Puking Pastille under my pillow. Very strange.

[Awhile after Harry falls asleep, he’s woken up by Ron and Hermione!]

Ron: Harry! We’re so glad you’re here! [Glomps Harry]

Harry: Yes, yes, I’m here. What time is it? Did I miss breakfast?

Ron: Don’t worry about it—Mother can always bring it to you in bed. So, I heard you’ve been getting cozy with Dumbledore!

Harry: Not anywhere near as much so as I’d like—we just went to visit an old teacher so Dumbledore could convince him to work at Hogwarts. His name is Slutborn.

Hermione: [Stifles giggles]

Harry: What?

Hermione: [Innocently] Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s true, we do need a new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher.

[Just then]

Ginny: Ginny has arrived!

Ron: Hello, my dear sister.

Ginny: So, anyway, have I mentioned how annoyed I am by the state of things?

Ron: You never shut up about it, my dear sister.

Ginny: Hmph! Don’t you go taking her side!

Ron: I’m not taking her side.

Ginny: She’s totally worse than Umbridge, you know!

Hermione: Yes, of course, Ginny, whatever you say.

Harry: Can one of you please tell me what the fuck is going on?!

Ginny: It’s that stupid French girl! Those dirty foreigners and their dirty foreign ways are invading this household!

[Just then, Fleur appears with Harry’s breakfast tray]

Fleur: You called?

Harry: Hello, Beautiful!

Fleur: Oh, hello again. You’re that unqualified kid who beat me at every challenge in that tournament two books ago, because I’m just so delicate and female and French.

Harry: Wow, you have a good memory! I’d completely forgotten you even existed!

Fleur: Whatever. I have your food. By the way, my sister is in love with you and won’t stop talking about how fantastic you are.

Harry: Oh, good! My career as a ladykiller begins in three, two, one…!

Fleur: My sister is ten years old, you know. And by the way, I didn’t come just to see you, but because I’m going to marry Bill Weasley.

Harry: You’re going to marry Bill Weasley?!

Fleur: All part of my plan to become a major character in these last two books.

Mrs. Weasley: You’ll never be a main character if I have anything to say about it!

Fleur: Whatever. [Leaves Harry to his tray]

Mrs. Weasley: I do think Bill is rushing into things. I mean, what could that stupid French girl possibly bring to this family? She’s obviously an airheaded, cowardly bimbo.

Ginny: Well in his defense, didn’t you and Father marry quickly too?

Mrs. Weasley: We’re down-to-earth British country types—it’s totally different.

Ginny: Point taken.

Mrs. Weasley: I have to go and do housewifely things. I’ll leave you teenagers to your gossip. [Leaves]

Hermione: I hate that Fleur so much!

Ginny: I concur! By the way, did you know Mother has been not-so-subtlely hinting that Bill should date Tonks instead?

Ron: But will that work? Say what you like about Fleur but she is beautiful.

Ginny: But Tonks is so much nicer!

Hermione: And smarter!

Harry: Well Fleur was smart enough to get into the Triwizard Tournament…and suffer humiliating defeats in every contest….

Hermione: Don’t take her side!

Ginny:  Yeah! Clearly she’s bewitched you with her evil French Veela powers!

Ron: Speaking of Tonks, by the way, have you noticed how upset she’s been lately?

Hermione: Maybe she’s just upset that her cousin died?

Harry: AAAAAAAGH! SIRIUS IS DEAD AND IT’S ALL MY FAUUUUUUULT!

Ron: But it’s not like Tonks knew Sirius that well—

Harry: WHYYYYYYY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE SIRIUS?!

Hermione: But still, he was her cousin. And maybe she blames herself for not being better able to fend off his enemies?

Harry: HOW DARE SHE FEEL GUILTY?! I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO’S ALLOWED TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT SIRIUS’S DEATH! IT STILL HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAAAAAAAY! Say, do you think he’s an angel watching over me?

Ron: Something tells me you wouldn’t want him to be an angel watching over you.

Harry: I think I feel a terrible sense of foreboding settling into my stomach, and I don’t know why.

Hermione: Fun fact: Tonks has had difficulty using her special Mary Sue powers since she became depressed.

Ron: Ooh, do you think this will become a plot point?

Hermione: I don’t know about that, but we might well come back to this at some point!

Harry: I can’t wait!

Mrs. Weasley: Ginny, help me come prepare lunch!

Ginny: Nonsense—I am a strong, independent woman! I do not cook or clean or sew--!

Mrs. Weasley: Please don’t leave me with this awful French woman all by myself!

Ginny: Coming. [Leaves]

Harry: So, anyway, Ron, I heard your brothers have been making lots of money lately.

Ron: Yes they have. I can’t wait to go to Diagon Alley so we can visit their new shop.

Harry: And whatever became of Percy?

Ron: He’s still not speaking to us.

Harry: What?! How dare he not come crawling back to us now that the Ministry knows the truth!

Hermione: Maybe he’s just doing it to spite Dumbledore.

Harry: Speaking of which, Dumbledore’s giving me private lessons.

Ron: Why would he want to do that?

Harry: I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with the prophecy.

Ron: Speaking of, what was in that prophecy anyway?

Harry: According to Dumbledore, all it said was, “This child was born to die.”

Ron: Wow, that’s creepy.

Hermione: Help! I’m being set upon by one of Fred and George’s experiments!

Ron: Yeah, don’t touch anything in here. Don’t worry—Mother can heal your injuries.

Hermione: Some other time. I have to agree with Ron on this one—that is really creepy. Are you scared of dying?

Harry: No, I’m not scared of dying. I believe that there never is an end.

Hermione: Harry, there’s no afterlife. How on earth could consciousness survive death? How is that biologically possible?

Harry: Oh, no! There’s no afterlife?! Have I been deluding myself all these years?!

Hermione: Wow, you really are brainless.

Ron: In all seriousness, though, it is cool that Dumbledore’s giving you lessons. Maybe he’s trying to help you circumvent the prophecy.

Harry: Could be.

Hermione: Yeah. Just think of what a wizard as brilliant as Dumbledore could teach you about how to stay alive and face Voldemort.

Harry: Wow, I have the best friends ever.

Hermione: By the way, when do you think we’ll be getting the results of our OWLs?

Harry: Any day, probably.

[Sure enough, the exams arrive that very day]

Harry: Wow, except for Astronomy, Divination, and History, which I never liked, I got Exceeds Expectations or above in everything! All this despite putting no work whatsoever into my studies! Hooray for being the main character!

Ron: Wish I could be so lucky….

Hermione: Oh, I only got Exceeds Expectations on Defense against the Dark Arts! Woe is me! Surely I Deserved Outstandings on everything!

Harry: Oh, come off it! …Say, my Potions grade isn’t high enough to qualify for NEWT levels. Does this mean I’m not qualified to become an auror? But why?! It’s my destiny to face down Voldemort; why can’t I have what I waaaaaant?!

A/N: Okay, is it me or is this chapter rather pointless. Seriously, all that happens in it is, Harry reunites with his friends (and Fleur), and then they're all rude about Fleur for no good reason.

Comments

[vermouth1991.livejournal.com]

You're not alone in this.

[seductivedark.livejournal.com]

Looks like a bunch of filler to set up the Potions grade that could keep Our Hero from being an Auror. Could have been combined into another chapter.

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

As far as I can see, the only reason Our Hero is so stuck on becoming an Auror is ego-boo. There’s only one dark wizard that Harry is especially qualified to fight, and at the end of Book Seven that wizard is kaput. As an Auror he’ll have to fight dark wizards without the advantage of protective mother love, twin cores, Voldie-vision, artificially-induced blood kinship, quirky wand-mastery rules, the twisted advice of Albus Dumbledore, and the sworn protection of Severus Snape. Even if he weren’t cheating his way through Potions, I wouldn’t expect Harry even to get through training, much less become Chief Auror by his thirties.

And yes, the constant chipping at Fleur is really annoying. It seems to be accepted by a large part of fandom that Fleur is a stuck-up snob, but I don’t see it. It’s the Weasleys who are so stuck on their parochial ways that they want nothing to do with her. It is a realistic bit of characterization, which makes it one more mark against the idea that the Weasleys are the Ideal Family that we all should love and admire. I would have expected Hermione, however, to make a token effort at we-must-be-tolerant-of-other-cultures-and-magical-beings before succumbing to the chronic jealously that plagues all Potterverse females.

[seductivedark.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Auror never really resonated as a career for Harry. He needed too many academic subjects, for one thing, and he seemed allergic to study. For another thing, Voldy was the only wizard he was interested in going after, as you said. He'd have rocked out of training, if he didn't lose interest after Voldy's demise.

Which I think he would have. I can't see him sticking it out without that one wizard to chase and capture.

On Fleur - yes, they were horrible to her. I'm surprised she didn't move out and tell Bill that, yes, she'd marry him in a minute, but no way in hell would she stay around his family. But, no. She had to be proven to be worthy.

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately from what we've seen of the Wizarding World, none of the Auror requirements would really matter. Harry's a hero, the boy-who-lived, the defeater of you-know-who; if he wants to be an Auror, than an Auror it is.

I hated that in the Epilogue Bill and Fleur's daughter was on the Hogwart train. They should have moved as far from his family as possible.

J.K gives me the impression from her treatment of the female characters as being one of those women who doesn't really like other women. I've known women like that, they really don't like or think much of women in general. They dismiss other women as catty, jealously of each other, etc. They themselves are not like that of course. They think they are better than other women.

[vermouth1991.livejournal.com]

tumblr feminism likes to call it "internalized misogyny", I just call it being stupid.

[oryx_leucoryx]

The other name for this type is 'chill girl' - the one that doesn't mind guys being mysogynistic shits as long as they let her into their special club.

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

In the Seventies we called it Queen Bee Syndrome: I have fought my way into the Old Boys’ Club and finally been accepted as one of the lads, and I will crush any female who tries to follow after me.

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Ginny: It’s that stupid French girl! Those dirty foreigners and their dirty foreign ways are invading this household!/

Umm, why does Ginny not like Fleur now? She didn’t have a single thing to say about her in GoF. Fleur was giving Bill an admiring look in GoF and nobody cared. Why has Ginny suddenly taken it upon herself to insult her at every turn?

/She’s obviously an airheaded, cowardly bimbo./

Umm, why? Why doesn’t Mrs. Weasley like her? Because she’s French? Because she’s part-Veela? If so, then isn’t that sort of bigotry something that readers would expect to find in a Draco/Hermione fanfic where Draco brought Hermione home to meet his parents? And wouldn’t the readers be expected to think that Lucius and Narcissa were so rude and bigoted and nasty to insult their son’s fiancée like this?

/Hermione: I hate that Fleur so much!/

Umm, WHY? Why do all of these women suddenly not like Fleur? Yes, I know that Hermione was miffed at Fleur in GoF when Fleur made a dismissive comment about the Hogwarts food (I think), but it’s been two years already. Fleur’s engaged to Bill, not Ron, so why is Hermione in a snit fit? Because Ron thinks that she’s pretty? Well, plenty of girls liked Viktor Krum, yet we didn’t have Ron insulting him every five seconds in DH because Hermione spent the summer with him. I don’t get this.

I agree with everyone else that as soon as Bill and Fleur get married, they should move far away from the Weasley clan.

[oryx_leucoryx]

Veela are cool magical beings, therefore the racism rules work in reverse regarding them.

[hwyla.livejournal.com]

It all does come across as if she's meant to be seen as a bimbo. JKR even had her perform so spectacularly badly in the Triward Lake Task that she could not rescue her little sister whom she had no idea wouldn't die if she failed.

And yet she's the one chosen out of all if Beauxbatons. It makes it seem as if ALL of the french students must be unqualified. So, it does look as if in Potterverse, at least, the French are supposedly 'ineffectual' at the minimum.

Rumour of an Alchemist has a wonderful chapter, that I love, in one of her (Very AU) stories that accounts for this. As she has it, Beauxbatons focuses on much different criteria for lessons than Hogwarts or Durmstrang, Instead of much on magical creatures, they aim for teaching logic and diplomacy. (4th chapter of "Initial Impact" - part of her HP Xover with 'The Saint' series referred to as Saint Potter on ff.net). I love her version of Fleur.

I do think however, that Hermione's insults make sense within story. It isn't just jealousy over Ron. Hermione does not seem capable of liking ANY girl who cares about her 'looks' and to her IF a girl is pretty then her looks MUST matter to her. Never mind that a veela would apparently be pretty no matter whether she ever bothered a whit with her appearance.

Hermione is just as condescending about Lavender and Parvati. Even tho' JKR attempts to make it look as if they are the ones that reject her, I find it just as likely that she snubbed them at the very beginning of their first year, but we didn't see it due to the HarryPOV. Probably got miffed when one of them offered her their SleakEasy in the first week.

Hermione isn't even very nice about Luna, but that appears to be more about Luna's ideas than her looks. Ginny seems to be the ONLY girl that Hermione finds acceptable in the least, which leads to imagine that Ginny is not particularly beautiful - or - she makes allowances for her as Ron's sister. I see it as a bit of lashing out about her own looks And how she has determined that one can be either smart or pretty, but not both.

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

I agree that this is a useless, filler chapter. There's no important information in it that couldn't have been tossed off in a conversation on the Hogwarts Express.

As for why it was written, it may not be entirely Rowling's fault. I read a blog post by a best selling author several years ago in which she said she was under pressure from her publisher to overstuff her books with irrelevancies so they'd be longer and the publisher could charge more. One might think that, with her unprecedented success, Rowling would be immune from those pressures. But Bloomsbury may have guilt-tripped her into helping their bottom line. And since she'd already written two doorstop books, it would make sense to observers for her to keep up that standard.

As for the hostility to Fleur, that may be Rowling's clumsy attempt to show how "all-British" the Weasleys are. Britain and France have been hostile to each other since the 12th century.