Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 11

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Life goes on. Classes are more demanding than ever before.]

Harry: And three of our classes require nonverbal spells! Three of them!

Hermione: Don’t you think we should try to set aside some time to speak to Hagrid?

Ron: Why should we? What has he ever done for us?

Hermione: He’s been a good friend.

Ron: Anyway, we have to rehearse for quidditch.

Harry: We can always visit afterwards.

Ron: Fine, fine.

Harry: By the way, we have a ton of new people signing up for quidditch. I can’t imagine why.

Hermione: I think it’s you. Now that people realize you’re right about everything, everyone wants to get to know you, to boost their popularity and screen time.

Ron: Right. It’s always got to be about you, hasn’t it? I’ve been through a lot of the same things you have, but nobody ever gives me the time of day! [Sulks]

[Hedwig and Pigwidgeon bring Harry and Ron their new Potions manuals…]

Hermione: Oh, good! Now you’ll be giving the Prince’s copy back, right?

Harry: As if! I’m keeping that one and swapping the covers! [Does so] There, now Slutborn won’t be able to tell the difference when I return the new copy!

Hermione: You do realize that just because you can copy instructions doesn’t make you any good! You’re still trying to leech off of someone else’s hard work!

Harry: I’m just doing what I do best. Finally it’s paying off!

Hermione: [Buries face in hands]

[A newspaper arrives…]

Hermione: Oh, look—Stan Shunpike has been arrested under suspicions of being a Death Eater.*

Harry: What?! That’s impossible!

Ron: He could have been put under a spell.

Hermione: Well, according to this he was eagerly discussing Death Eater plans in a pub.

Harry: But…but…the man was nice to me—there’s no way he can be a villain!

Ron: He was okay. He wasn’t anything special.

Hermione: Well…maybe he isn’t but the Ministry just wants to look like it’s making some progress. I have heard tales that the new Minister is a sad excuse for a leader and wizard and…well…everything, really. You know a few students left school just recently, and a few more have parents who want them to leave.

Ron: But that’s absurd! Hogwarts is bound to be safer than their own homes—I mean, Dumbledore is here!

Hermione: That’s the problem—everyone thinks Dumbledore, and Harry, are targets for Voldemort. And that’s when Dumbledore’s here. Have you noticed how often he’s been absent?

Harry: Come to think of it, yes.

Hermione: And that just contributes to the problem.

[As they exit the room to go to quidditch tryouts, Ron runs into Lavender]

Lavender: Hello, Ron!

Ron: [Sheepish] Ah…hello, Lavender.

Hermione: [to self] Hmph! I’m supposed to be the only one willing to put up with him!

[Once on the field, he runs into Cormac McLaggen again]

McLaggen: Hi! Remember me?

Harry: I…think so?

McLaggen: So I’m trying out this year! Sorry I didn’t try out last year, but I was in the hospital wing, because I ate Doxy eggs for a bet!

Harry: That’s why you didn’t come to tryouts?!

McLaggen: All in the spirit of Gryffindor, I assure you!

Harry: Whatever, why don’t you just wait over by the other people who are trying out.

McLaggen: So…you’re not going to give me special treatment?

Harry: No.

McLaggen: But why not? I’m a Gryffindor, you’re a Gryffindor, and we’ve met previously.

Harry: Because Ron and I are the only ones allowed to be idiotic jerk jocks.

Ron: I am not an idiot!

Harry: Yes you are.

Ron: No I’m not!

McLaggen: Fine, me that way! [Goes to wait with the other participants]

[Harry tries out most of the applicants, only to find out that most of them are poor flyers and just wanted to get a closer look at him]

Harry: Aargh! This is so frustrating!

[One group is comprised of Hufflepuffs]

Harry: Eew! Get out of here—I don’t want you lowly Hufflepuffs tainting the Gryffindor team’s good name!

Hufflepuffs: That’s not very nice.

[He eventually decides on three chasers: Katie Bell, Demelza Robbins, and Ginny Weasley]

Harry: Three girls! I’d like to see the other houses be as egalitarian!

[He also gets two new beaters, Jimmy Peakes and Ritchie Coote]

Harry: You can never replace Fred and George, so I probably won’t remember your names or abilities anyway, but welcome to the team.

Peakes and Coote: Thanks for that….

[McLaggen and Ron try out for Keeper]

Lavender Brown: Go Ron! I know you can do it! You’re super cool!

Ron: Gee, thanks!

[Indeed, Ron saves one more goal than McLaggen]

McLaggen: It’s not fair! He had to go against his own sister! Surely she was biased!

Harry: No, she gave him a good show.

McLaggen: I demand to go agaaaaaaaaain!

Harry: Well you’re not going again. Captain’s orders. Ron will be my keeper, and he won the privilege fair and square.

McLaggen: You’re meeeeeeeeean! [Skulks off]

Harry: Why am I getting horrible feelings of deja-vu?

Hermione: But seriously, Ron, you did well.

Ron: Hooray.

[After practice, the three of them go to see Hagrid]

Hagrid: Oh, hello there. What do you want?

Harry: We just wanted to see you again.

Hagrid: Don’t make me laugh. You weren’t in class with me this week. Now why is that?

Hermione: We couldn’t fit it into our schedules, that’s all! Otherwise we totally would have been there!

Hagrid: Right. That’s the story you’re going with?

[As they go inside Hagrid’s cabin, they notice a barrel of large, white worms]

Harry: Hagrid, what are those for?

Hagrid: They’re for Aragog. He’s been so sick lately. In fact...I think he’s going to die! [Bursts into tears]

Hermione: Well…ah…is there anything we can do to help?

Ron: Oh, please say no, please say no, please say no….

Hagrid: I don’t think so. I doubt it’d be safe. [Reflects for a moment] You know, I’ve been thinking. Maybe Professor Grubbly-Plank really was a better teacher than me?

Hermione: Ah…no…no, she really wasn’t.

Harry: Yeah, totally. You were alright.

Ron: Yeah, what they said.

[On the way back to the Great Hall for dinner they run across McLaggen again]

Hermione: Wanna know a secret? I Confounded him to give Ron a better shot at getting the position.

Harry: You what? You of all people?! But that’s against school rules!

Hermione: Anything for my lord and master and future husband.

Ron: God help me….

[Just then, they run into Slughorn!]

Slughorn: So, anyway, Harry, I was planning to serve you and the students I met on the train dinner tonight. Can you make it?

Harry: No, I have a detention. And I don’t want to eat your food anyway—it’s probably drugged!

Slughorn: Drugged?! What gives you that idea?

Harry: Because you’re a creepy slimy Slytherin! I’ll bet you’ll turn out to be a villain by the time this series is over!

Slughorn: Fine, don’t come to the party! I don’t want you there if you’re going to be like that! [Leaves]

Hermione: Oh, and he invited me too. Now I have to go be around Cormac McLaggen alone….

Ron: You can always get Ginny to help watch out for you.

[They go up to Gryffindor Tower, where Hermione keeps a copy of the evening news]

Hermione: It appears the Ministry has searched Malfoy Manner a second time.

Harry: Oh, so whatever Draco wants it clearly isn’t something he brought home. I’ll bet he smuggled it into the school!

Hermione: That can’t be. We were all searched before we came in, and anything that looked remotely Dark was confiscated.

Harry: Aha! So Draco’s mother sent it to him by owl--!

Hermione: Owls are being checked as well.

Harry: Ron, you agree with me that Draco might have found a way to smuggle something Dark in, right?

Ron: No, not really. Go have fun at your party and keep your mad theories to yourself! [Exits]

Harry: I’m not even going….

*A/N: Fun bit of trivia about Stan Shunpike: he’s described in the article as being 21 years old. That means he would have had to have been just about 18 years old when Harry rode the bus in Book 3. If he went to Hogwarts, he would have had to have left either that year or the year just before. 

Comments

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

Hermione: You’re still trying to leech off of someone else’s hard work!
Harry: I’m just doing what I do best. Finally it’s paying off!

That is so true. In fanfic one sometimes sees Harry made out to be an exceptionally powerful and talented wizard—even of Dumbledorean proportions—but the evidence in the books is that he’s at best somewhat above average in native ability and extremely limited in his skills due to his own laziness.

JKR is telling an “Average Guy as Hero” story. It’s a trope goes back to the Argonautica, but fans want their heroes to be heroic. When have we ever seen a modern re-telling of Jason and the Argonauts that showed Jason the way Apollonius of Rhodes actually wrote him: weak, feckless, and always relying on other people to save his bacon? Harry is the same, but he’s the Designated Hero, so fans insist on admiring him.

The argument in favor of super-Harry seems to be that Harry has to be one of the most powerful wizards in the world because he “defeated Voldemort twice.” In fact, it was Lily who defeated Voldemort the first time (though the circumstance that allowed it to happen was set up by Severus Snape), and Voldemort defeated himself the second time. All the fame and admiration Harry receives as the Boy-Who-Lived is actually stolen from his mother. No wonder Severus hates him.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

Speaking as someone who reads powerful!Harry fic [guilty pleasure] - I don't think any of the writers do it because they ACTUALLY think he's that strong in canon. They do it for fun/wish-fulfillment/to-easily-demolish-canon. In fact, I've seen a good deal of powerful!Harry writers complaining about how mediocre, lazy, and oddly-unmotivated Harry was in canon.

I also think a lot of the sympathy for Harry comes from his abusive background/his being used as a puppet at Hogwarts, because powerful!Harry fic often doesn't describe his canon self in flattering terms. There's a reason he often receives a personality change to be much harder-working, more studious, and critical of canon events. (Often fanfic accidentally makes him into a more rash, dimwitted version of Voldemort, but that's a different subject. I'm not claiming that powerful!Harry fic is better than canon, but 90+% of it certainly doesn't claim to be canon.)

All the fame and admiration Harry receives as the Boy-Who-Lived is actually stolen from his mother. No wonder Severus hates him.
Out of curiosity, are there any stories where Severus snaps and reveals this, causing a sudden crash in the Boy-Who-Lived myths? I figure this community would be the best place to ask. It would make an amusing oneshot if no one else's done it.

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

I’ve never seen “Snape snaps and tells the world that Lily is the real hero,” though I think it would make a funny one-shot. I’ve seen at least one story in which Severus and an adult Harry have a civilized discussion about their Hogwarts relationship, and Severus explains that one of the things that infuriated him about Harry was the way he soaked up the admiration that rightly belonged to Lily. I don’t remember for certain, but I think it was Whitehound’s “Giving Extras,” a story I highly recommend and wish she would get back to.

I confess to a guilty weakness for super-Snape. It has a smidge more canon justification than super-Harry, but I do sometimes let myself go to extremes. Part of the joy of being a fangirl, after all, is letting one’s inner fourteen-year-old out to play, and when I was fourteen I was collecting Marvel comics. I did a bit of a parody on super-Snape once in a collaboration I was doing for Wolfwillow’s “Birds of a Feather” in which a dimwitted American wizard was so impressed by Severus’ power that he decided he must be an angel in disguise. I had a lot of fun with it, satirizing my days with the neo-pagan movement, but it went too far off track from Wolfwillow’s main story and she decided not to use that part. Unfortunately it’s too full of original characters specific to “Birds” for me to post it as an independent piece. And I have yet to get around to the drawing I have planned of flying!Snape rescuing either Harry or Hermione in the classic Superman/Lois Lane pose. Up, up, and away!

[oryx_leucoryx]

Since it is canon that Severus can fly unsupported, he is a much better candidate for super-wizard.

[oryx_leucoryx]

In Terri's Unlikely Allies (or perhaps in the prequel Too Much There) Severus raises 11 year old Harry's doubts in 'the Boy Who Lived' narrative.

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

When have we ever seen a modern re-telling of Jason and the Argonauts that showed Jason the way Apollonius of Rhodes actually wrote him: weak, feckless, and always relying on other people to save his bacon?

There's another point of sameness with Harry: Jason was saved by a woman, the powerful witch princess, Medea. He could never have retrieved the golden fleece and gotten it back to Greece without her. She should have murdered him, instead of their kids and his girlfriend.