Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 20
Jun. 10th, 2015 10:08 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
deathtocapslockOnly ten more chapters of this book!!!
[After Harry and Ron leave the hospital wing, they find themselves on better terms with Hermione]
Hermione: By the way, Dean and Ginny have been fighting.
Harry: Oh, really?
Hermione: Yeah. Apparently Dean thought it was funny that you’d been hit by the bludger.
Ron: Well in his defense, it’s always been treated as a joke before.
Harry: Yes, but not when it’s happened to me! How dare that asshole Dean laugh at my misfortune! Only I get to do that!
[Just then, Luna appears]
Luna: Harry, Harry! I’ve got another message for you from Dumbledore!
Harry: Oh, joy! It’s for tonight!
Ron: By the way, Luna, you were really good commentating the quidditch match.
Luna: Oh, you’re just saying that. Everyone else has been making fun of me over it. They say I wasn’t partisan enough. [Sobs]
Ron: Oh, come on. You were really good. I wish you’d commentate every quidditch match.
Luna: You mean it?
Ron: Of course I do. You’re no worse than any other commentator we’ve had!
[Luna leaves, and Lavender Brown arrives]
Lavender: Ron! You’re out of the hospital? Why did you let Hermione know and not me?!
Ron: Well…Hermione’s my destined wife.
Lavender: I knew it—you were just using me all along. You never had any intention of making it work! [Runs away crying]
Hermione: Ha ha! Serves her right for trying to take my man away from me!
[Harry goes to Dumbledore’s office to find Professor Trelawney there]
Trelawney: I’m telling you, I can’t teach alongside that stupid centaur!
Dumbledore: You’re just saying that because you’re a racist cretin. Now begone, Trevolrey.
Trelawney: What if I left the school?
Dumbledore: I’m keeping you here for your own safety, you ungrateful brat!
Trelawney: What if I found work in another story?
Dumbledore: Good luck with that. But in the meantime, you will teach alongside Firenze and you will like it.
[Trelawney leaves in a huff]
Dumbledore: Ah, yes, it’s you, Harry. Come in, come in.
[Harry obeys]
Dumbledore: So, did you have any luck getting the memory?
Harry: Nope, not one bit. Stupid Slutborn’s too much of a coward to just hand it over.
Dumbledore: And I’d expect nothing less from a slimy Slytherin. You, however, are the Chosen One. Have you come up with no way of circumventing his defenses? Not a single solitary one?
Harry: [Gets down on hands and knees] Just give me more time, please! So many things have happened, I’ve been very distracted!
Dumbledore: Of course you have. Make sure you have it by next meeting, though, or I will be very, very angry.
Harry: Of course, of course!
Dumbledore: That’s a good boy. Now, then, let’s resume our perusal of the memories we do have. I should warn you, none of them tell us very much, so most of what we know about Voldemort’s early adulthood is entirely made up by myself. I hope that doesn’t bother you.
Harry: [Stands up] No, not at all!
Dumbledore: Good. Now then, to fill in some details, it is widely known that Voldemort graduated from Hogwarts with high honors, and subsequently got a job working in Borgin and Burkes. We think he might have been searching for rare items. However, before this happened, he actually applied to teach at Hogwarts.
Harry: But why on earth would he seek out a teaching job?
Dumbledore: Well, partly because he wanted to stay in the place he had always been attached to. You’d know all about that, right Harry?
Harry: Aagh! Don’t go comparing me to Voldemort!
Dumbledore: But, anyway, I deduce that his main rationale was a desire to warp the minds of wizarding Britain’s youth. He knew from his own experience how influential teachers such as Slutborn could become.
Harry: Those slimy Slytherins, listening to their teachers and following their examples! A true Gryffindor would happily disregard any and all authority figures they didn’t personally like!
Dumbledore: So, anyway, while Voldemort was working at Borgin and Burkes, he was not working as a mere sales clerk. Oh, no—he was in charge of collecting items other people had decided to sell. He was quite good at this job. This is one of the more interesting instances. [Pours a memory into the Pensieve] This memory came from a house-elf who served one Hepzibah Smith.
[He and Harry disappear into the memory]
Hepzibah Smith: Hmmm...today I’m expecting an appointment from one Tom Riddle. I should powder my face in preparation! [Grabs a puff and begins powdering her face] Tra la la, vanity is the life for meeeeee!
Voldemort: Hello!
Hepzibah Smith: Hello, Tom Riddle! [to house-elf] Servant, bring us some cakes.
House-elf: Right away, Mistress. [Goes to fetch cakes]
Voldemort: So, anyway, I’ve just come to inquire about some armor Burke is interested in. That’s all. There is nothing else I’m after, honest.
Hepzibah Smith: Is that so? Well, since I like you so very much, I have something I’d like to show you anyway. [She motions to her house-elf] Show Tom Riddle here our finest treasure!
House-elf: Right away!
[The house-elf comes back with a box in which lies a beautiful golden cup]
Voldemort: Wow, this is Hufflepuff’s cup, isn’t it?!
Hepzibah Smith: Indeed it is.
Voldemort: I want it! Gimme gimme gimme!
Hepzibah Smith: Certainly not. This cup belongs to my family and I fully intend to keep it that way. Oh, did I mention I’ve also got Slytherin’s locket right here? [Summons the house-elf, who brings her the locket]
Voldemort: Ooh! I want this one! Give it to me noooooow!
Hepzibah Smith: No, I think I’ll keep this one as well!
Voldemort: What?! But that’s so unfair! I’m the heir of Slytherin, that locket is mine!
Hepzibah Smith: The heir of Slytherin? You’re so cute. But this locket is mine now.
Voldemort: You’re so meeeeean! I want that locket and cup! [Rolls on the floor sobbing]
Hepzibah Smith: Well this is awkward.
[Harry and Dumbledore exit the Pensieve]
Dumbledore: By the way, Hepzibah Smith was found dead just two days after the fact, and when her house was searched, both the locket and cup were missing. As it turns out, that very same house-elf had accidentally put poison, rather than sugar, in her tea. The house-elf went out of her way to describe this very scene and how suspicious it was that her master had died just after a strange man had thrown a temper tantrum in her home over her refusal to give him her things, but of course nobody took a house-elf’s testimony seriously.
Harry: How awful! That poor house-elf!
Dumbledore: In the wake of all this, of course, Tom Riddle disappeared. He would not reappear except as Voldemort. Except for one time, when he appeared to me. This is the next memory we’ll be looking at.
[He opens another memory, and he and Harry disappear inside]
Harry: Look, look! It’s Voldemort! I can tell it’s not Tom Riddle anymore because he isn’t as hot!
Dumbledore: Finally he’s shed those good looks that made him a competition to me. But, anyway, watch and see what happens when he and myself meet.
Voldemort: Dumbledore, Dumbledore! Can we talk?!
Dumbledore: Why, yes we can talk. What is it you want, Tom Rid?
Voldemort: For the last time, my name is not Tom Rid!
Dumbledore: So it isn’t. What are you going by these days?
Voldemort: It’s of no concern to you. Anyway, I’m curious: why are you still at this school? Why haven’t you found a higher position in the world?
Dumbledore: Well, obviously I’ve been offered higher positions many times, and so I could get a job in any position anytime I want. Don’t think I couldn’t. However, I’ve decided to stay at school, the better to influence the next generation when they are still young and impressionable. But that isn’t an answer to my question.
Voldemort: Well, I’ve just come back to ask for a teaching job, that’s all!
Dumbledore: Ahahahaha! You, a teacher?! But you look so evil! Who would take you seriously as a teacher?!
Voldemort: I’ll have you know I’ve been doing really great work since I left this school!
Dumbledore: [Giggles] Such as?
Voldemort: Well, I’ve been doing really advanced magic of vagueness and pushing the boundaries of how vague…I mean, great magic can be. I could teach some of the things I learned to students!
Dumbledore: Wrong! I can tell that you have evil designs on my students and the world! I will never allow you to go near them! Go back home and cry to your Death Dealer friends!
Voldemort: That’s Death Eater, thank you very much, and how do you even know about that?!
Dumbledore: Never you mind. I’ll wager you aren’t even after this job in the first place. You have some other motive for coming here, don’t you?
Voldemort: Will you stop jumping to conclusions about me?!
Dumbledore: I’m not jumping to conclusions, I’m just telling the truth. You’re an evil monster and I knew it from the moment I first met you. Now begone, I’m not giving you a job!
Voldemort: Fine, be that way! But I won’t forget this! [Leaves]
[Harry and Dumbledore exit the Pensieve]
Dumbledore: And that, Harry dear, is the story of why we’ve never been able to keep a Defense Against the Dark Arts job since then!
[After Harry and Ron leave the hospital wing, they find themselves on better terms with Hermione]
Hermione: By the way, Dean and Ginny have been fighting.
Harry: Oh, really?
Hermione: Yeah. Apparently Dean thought it was funny that you’d been hit by the bludger.
Ron: Well in his defense, it’s always been treated as a joke before.
Harry: Yes, but not when it’s happened to me! How dare that asshole Dean laugh at my misfortune! Only I get to do that!
[Just then, Luna appears]
Luna: Harry, Harry! I’ve got another message for you from Dumbledore!
Harry: Oh, joy! It’s for tonight!
Ron: By the way, Luna, you were really good commentating the quidditch match.
Luna: Oh, you’re just saying that. Everyone else has been making fun of me over it. They say I wasn’t partisan enough. [Sobs]
Ron: Oh, come on. You were really good. I wish you’d commentate every quidditch match.
Luna: You mean it?
Ron: Of course I do. You’re no worse than any other commentator we’ve had!
[Luna leaves, and Lavender Brown arrives]
Lavender: Ron! You’re out of the hospital? Why did you let Hermione know and not me?!
Ron: Well…Hermione’s my destined wife.
Lavender: I knew it—you were just using me all along. You never had any intention of making it work! [Runs away crying]
Hermione: Ha ha! Serves her right for trying to take my man away from me!
[Harry goes to Dumbledore’s office to find Professor Trelawney there]
Trelawney: I’m telling you, I can’t teach alongside that stupid centaur!
Dumbledore: You’re just saying that because you’re a racist cretin. Now begone, Trevolrey.
Trelawney: What if I left the school?
Dumbledore: I’m keeping you here for your own safety, you ungrateful brat!
Trelawney: What if I found work in another story?
Dumbledore: Good luck with that. But in the meantime, you will teach alongside Firenze and you will like it.
[Trelawney leaves in a huff]
Dumbledore: Ah, yes, it’s you, Harry. Come in, come in.
[Harry obeys]
Dumbledore: So, did you have any luck getting the memory?
Harry: Nope, not one bit. Stupid Slutborn’s too much of a coward to just hand it over.
Dumbledore: And I’d expect nothing less from a slimy Slytherin. You, however, are the Chosen One. Have you come up with no way of circumventing his defenses? Not a single solitary one?
Harry: [Gets down on hands and knees] Just give me more time, please! So many things have happened, I’ve been very distracted!
Dumbledore: Of course you have. Make sure you have it by next meeting, though, or I will be very, very angry.
Harry: Of course, of course!
Dumbledore: That’s a good boy. Now, then, let’s resume our perusal of the memories we do have. I should warn you, none of them tell us very much, so most of what we know about Voldemort’s early adulthood is entirely made up by myself. I hope that doesn’t bother you.
Harry: [Stands up] No, not at all!
Dumbledore: Good. Now then, to fill in some details, it is widely known that Voldemort graduated from Hogwarts with high honors, and subsequently got a job working in Borgin and Burkes. We think he might have been searching for rare items. However, before this happened, he actually applied to teach at Hogwarts.
Harry: But why on earth would he seek out a teaching job?
Dumbledore: Well, partly because he wanted to stay in the place he had always been attached to. You’d know all about that, right Harry?
Harry: Aagh! Don’t go comparing me to Voldemort!
Dumbledore: But, anyway, I deduce that his main rationale was a desire to warp the minds of wizarding Britain’s youth. He knew from his own experience how influential teachers such as Slutborn could become.
Harry: Those slimy Slytherins, listening to their teachers and following their examples! A true Gryffindor would happily disregard any and all authority figures they didn’t personally like!
Dumbledore: So, anyway, while Voldemort was working at Borgin and Burkes, he was not working as a mere sales clerk. Oh, no—he was in charge of collecting items other people had decided to sell. He was quite good at this job. This is one of the more interesting instances. [Pours a memory into the Pensieve] This memory came from a house-elf who served one Hepzibah Smith.
[He and Harry disappear into the memory]
Hepzibah Smith: Hmmm...today I’m expecting an appointment from one Tom Riddle. I should powder my face in preparation! [Grabs a puff and begins powdering her face] Tra la la, vanity is the life for meeeeee!
Voldemort: Hello!
Hepzibah Smith: Hello, Tom Riddle! [to house-elf] Servant, bring us some cakes.
House-elf: Right away, Mistress. [Goes to fetch cakes]
Voldemort: So, anyway, I’ve just come to inquire about some armor Burke is interested in. That’s all. There is nothing else I’m after, honest.
Hepzibah Smith: Is that so? Well, since I like you so very much, I have something I’d like to show you anyway. [She motions to her house-elf] Show Tom Riddle here our finest treasure!
House-elf: Right away!
[The house-elf comes back with a box in which lies a beautiful golden cup]
Voldemort: Wow, this is Hufflepuff’s cup, isn’t it?!
Hepzibah Smith: Indeed it is.
Voldemort: I want it! Gimme gimme gimme!
Hepzibah Smith: Certainly not. This cup belongs to my family and I fully intend to keep it that way. Oh, did I mention I’ve also got Slytherin’s locket right here? [Summons the house-elf, who brings her the locket]
Voldemort: Ooh! I want this one! Give it to me noooooow!
Hepzibah Smith: No, I think I’ll keep this one as well!
Voldemort: What?! But that’s so unfair! I’m the heir of Slytherin, that locket is mine!
Hepzibah Smith: The heir of Slytherin? You’re so cute. But this locket is mine now.
Voldemort: You’re so meeeeean! I want that locket and cup! [Rolls on the floor sobbing]
Hepzibah Smith: Well this is awkward.
[Harry and Dumbledore exit the Pensieve]
Dumbledore: By the way, Hepzibah Smith was found dead just two days after the fact, and when her house was searched, both the locket and cup were missing. As it turns out, that very same house-elf had accidentally put poison, rather than sugar, in her tea. The house-elf went out of her way to describe this very scene and how suspicious it was that her master had died just after a strange man had thrown a temper tantrum in her home over her refusal to give him her things, but of course nobody took a house-elf’s testimony seriously.
Harry: How awful! That poor house-elf!
Dumbledore: In the wake of all this, of course, Tom Riddle disappeared. He would not reappear except as Voldemort. Except for one time, when he appeared to me. This is the next memory we’ll be looking at.
[He opens another memory, and he and Harry disappear inside]
Harry: Look, look! It’s Voldemort! I can tell it’s not Tom Riddle anymore because he isn’t as hot!
Dumbledore: Finally he’s shed those good looks that made him a competition to me. But, anyway, watch and see what happens when he and myself meet.
Voldemort: Dumbledore, Dumbledore! Can we talk?!
Dumbledore: Why, yes we can talk. What is it you want, Tom Rid?
Voldemort: For the last time, my name is not Tom Rid!
Dumbledore: So it isn’t. What are you going by these days?
Voldemort: It’s of no concern to you. Anyway, I’m curious: why are you still at this school? Why haven’t you found a higher position in the world?
Dumbledore: Well, obviously I’ve been offered higher positions many times, and so I could get a job in any position anytime I want. Don’t think I couldn’t. However, I’ve decided to stay at school, the better to influence the next generation when they are still young and impressionable. But that isn’t an answer to my question.
Voldemort: Well, I’ve just come back to ask for a teaching job, that’s all!
Dumbledore: Ahahahaha! You, a teacher?! But you look so evil! Who would take you seriously as a teacher?!
Voldemort: I’ll have you know I’ve been doing really great work since I left this school!
Dumbledore: [Giggles] Such as?
Voldemort: Well, I’ve been doing really advanced magic of vagueness and pushing the boundaries of how vague…I mean, great magic can be. I could teach some of the things I learned to students!
Dumbledore: Wrong! I can tell that you have evil designs on my students and the world! I will never allow you to go near them! Go back home and cry to your Death Dealer friends!
Voldemort: That’s Death Eater, thank you very much, and how do you even know about that?!
Dumbledore: Never you mind. I’ll wager you aren’t even after this job in the first place. You have some other motive for coming here, don’t you?
Voldemort: Will you stop jumping to conclusions about me?!
Dumbledore: I’m not jumping to conclusions, I’m just telling the truth. You’re an evil monster and I knew it from the moment I first met you. Now begone, I’m not giving you a job!
Voldemort: Fine, be that way! But I won’t forget this! [Leaves]
[Harry and Dumbledore exit the Pensieve]
Dumbledore: And that, Harry dear, is the story of why we’ve never been able to keep a Defense Against the Dark Arts job since then!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2015-06-10 09:26 pm (UTC)Hang in there! You're doing a great job!
no subject
Date: 2015-06-11 01:43 am (UTC)And the list of things DD has known about along grows.
no subject
Date: 2015-06-12 01:03 am (UTC)And you’re the headmaster. And a grown man. And supposedly the most powerful wizard in England. Why can’t *you* do it?
/Dumbledore: But, anyway, I deduce that his main rationale was a desire to warp the minds of wizarding Britain’s youth./
…
/However, I’ve decided to stay at school, the better to influence the next generation when they are still young and impressionable./
…You were saying, Albus?
Ha, the exchange between Tom and Hepzibah is funny. XD
/Dumbledore: Ahahahaha! You, a teacher?! But you look so evil! Who would take you seriously as a teacher?!/
In all fairness, Albus kind of has a point here. But Voldemort would probably hex any student who made fun of his red eyes or missing nose.
/Voldemort: Well, I’ve been doing really advanced magic of vagueness and pushing the boundaries of how vague…I mean, great magic can be./
Yeah, we don’t really learn what exactly Voldemort does after he leaves Borgin and Burke’s. We know that he made Horcruxes throughout his life, but we don’t really learn what else he does aside from traveling and amassing followers.
/Voldemort: That’s Death Eater, thank you very much, and how do you even know about that?!/
Voldemort: Moreover, if you do know about that…why haven’t you done anything to stop me?
no subject
Date: 2015-06-14 01:31 pm (UTC)In all fairness, Albus kind of has a point here. But Voldemort would probably hex any student who made fun of his red eyes or missing nose. "
In fairness, Tom didn't look that changed yet. He had a slightly waxen look and occasional flashes of red in his eyes. But he also still looked pretty much like he had in the other memories. I think the no-nose, snakey look really comes from being fed Naigini's milk.
I will say that with this bit by Albus, I'm surprised he hired Snape. Apparently, looking evil means no one will take you seriously as opposed to actually fearing that you might really be evil. Not even Neville fears Snape specifically because he thinks him 'evil'.
no subject
Date: 2015-06-21 06:11 am (UTC)