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deathtocapslock2015-06-11 06:24 pm
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Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 21
Harry: Oh, how will a brainless Chosen One like myself ever persuade Slutborn of anything?! Woe is me! Why does Dumbledore insist on being so cruel!? [Reflects] Maybe I’ll feel better if I go leafing through the Prince’s book again. [Pulls out book and begins looking through it] Huh. Apparently there’s a spell called Sectumsempra. It’s intended for enemies. I wonder what that could possibly mean. Oh, well—next time I see Draco I’ll try it out!
Hermione: Harry, you realize I can hear everything you’re saying.
Harry: WHAAAA?! I didn’t even know you were here! Oh, well—I didn’t say anything incriminating anyway!
Hermione: I’m beginning to think the only way you’ll ever convince that teacher is to put him under the Imperius curse.
Harry: Ooh! Is that an option?
Hermione: No, because it’s morally dubious and illegal.
Harry: I saw Dumbledore use it in a memory once!
Hermione: Oh, well in that case it’s fine.
Ron: Hermione! I’m having trouble with this essay! I’m writing it using one of Fred and George’s spell-check quills. Say, I didn’t know Augury was spelled O-R-G-Y…!
Hermione: Ron, that stupid quill is spelling words wrong on purpose!
Ron: It is?
Hermione: No shit it is! Here, let me correct all those spelling mistakes! [Uses her wand to right the errors]
Ron: If it’s that easy why the hell do we even have spell-check quills?!
[Just then, Kreacher appears!]
Kreacher: It is I!
[So does Dobby]
Dobby: Dobby has arrived!
Harry: Oh, goody! Now, what have you found?
Kreacher: Well, I’ve found that Draco is much cooler and more interesting than you could ever hope to be, and a lot smarter too—
Dobby: Hey! Draco is an evil racist! Don’t you ever compare him favorably to Harry again!
Harry: Never mind that now! Just tell me what you’ve found out about him!
Kreacher: Well I know what he eats, and where he sleeps, and what color underwear he has—
Harry: Never mind all that! Dobby, surely you must have found something useful!
Dobby: As a matter of fact, I have. He hasn’t done anything to break the school rules, but whenever he has the chance he disappears into one of the rooms on the seventh floor while other students keep guard.
Harry: The Room of Requirement?!
Dobby: The very same.
Harry: Aha! That explains why he disappears off the map—the Room of Requirement isn’t listed on it anywhere!
Hermione: Yeah—that room is unplottable! Of course, Draco must have known about the room because of what happened last year. Now he’s turning it to his own evil purposes.
Harry: Dobby, you have acted well.
Dobby: Thank you!
Hermione: Kreacher’s acted well too!
Kreacher: Don’t patronize me, you freak. [Vanishes]
Harry: Dobby, you are relieved of duty.
Dobby: Until next time! [Vanishes]
Harry: This is great! Now we know that Draco is up to no good, and we know where he goes to do that no good!
Hermione: Yes, but what about all those other students he’s with? I know he’s always with Crabbe and Goyle, but to get a whole variety of people in on it…?
Harry: That is very strange. Unless… [Reflects for a moment] Aha! I’ve got it! Draco’s been stealing Polyjuice potion! Slutborn made quite a lot of it early in the year, right? He’s just been transforming Crabbe and Goyle into other people!
Hermione: You know, he could have made the potion himself.
Harry: Oh, rubbish! Draco is too stupid to make a potion like that!
Hermione: Well, be that as it may, what you should really be focusing on is getting the memory from Slughorn before Dumbledore has your head. [Leaves to go to bed]
[Harry doesn’t sleep well that night]
Harry: Just what is Draco up to? I have to find out!
[Sure enough, the next day, he takes advantage of some spare time to get up to the corridor where the Room of Requirement is]
Harry: Now, reveal to me what it is Draco wants!
[But the room refuses to appear]
Harry: Did you not hear what I said? Reveal to me what it is Draco wants!
[The room still does not appear]
Harry: What is it you become when Draco comes to find you?
[The room still does not appear]
Harry: Dammit! I’m the Chosen One! If I want you to give me information you give it to me!
[The room still does not appear]
Harry: Oh, fuck all this! I need to get to class!
[He goes to Defense Against the Dark Arts…]
Snape: So, anyway, just hand in your essays like good little boys and girls and then we can continue.
Seamus: Snape, Snape!
Snape: Yes, what is it?
Seamus: How can we tell the difference between an inferius and a ghost? I heard there was one that was arrested recently!
Snape: That wasn’t an inferius, that was an idiot named Mundungus Fletcher, and never you mind who he is or what that was all about.
Harry: Why is Snape being so mean to Mundungus? Yes Mundungus is a good-for-nothing who has no business even being in the Order, but still, I can’t for the life of me imagine why Snape would be mean to him!
Snape: But, since you asked, can anyone answer the question? Harry Potter?
Harry: Aha! Well…ah…you see, ghosts are spirits, so they’re transparent, whereas inferi would be more solid….
Snape: That’s the answer you picked?
Harry: Yes…?
Snape: You are aware, are you not, that any noob could have said the same exact thing?
Harry: Well, yes, but what was I supposed to say?
Snape: Well, for the record, an inferius is essentially a puppet made from a corpse, whereas a ghost is the imprint of a departed person in this world. Mind that you don’t confuse them, or you’ll insult Death, the great and powerful.
Ron: But that’s not fair! Harry’s information is much more useful if we just happen to encounter one in the streets!
Snape: Oh, honestly! Listen here, you anti-intellectual little brat, I didn’t take this dangerous, cursed job that will probably kill me just to hear you Gryffindors lecture me about my teaching methods! Knowing the difference between ghosts and inferi is much more than simply knowing how to recognize them and the sooner you understand that the better!
Hermione: [Facepalm]
[After class, Harry and Ron duck into the boys’ bathroom to avoid Lavender and run into Moaning Myrtle!]
Moaning Myrtle: Oh, it’s you two. Remember me? It’s been two books since I had anything to do.
Harry: Well that’s not my fault. You’re just a boring side character who only matters insofar as she’s useful to me!
Moaning Myrtle: That’s not very nice! For your information, I’m useful to other people who have nothing to do with you.
Harry: Oh, yeah? Like who?
Moaning Myrtle: I don’t have to give away who it is. All I will say is that every time I see him he’s always crying and crying. He reminds me of myself that way.
Ron: Eew—a boy crying?! That is, like, so weird!
Moaning Myrtle: I don’t care if you think it’s weird or not, it’s true!
Ron: Whatever!
[As time passes, Harry still fails to get the memory from Slughorn]
Harry: Hermione, you mostly do all my work for me anyway. Can’t you come up with something?
Hermione: Nope, I haven’t got a clue. You’re on your own for this one.
Harry: Of all the times for you decide not to help me…!
[One day, as Ron and Hermione leave to practice apparition in Hogsmeade, Harry steals up to the Room of Requirement again]
Harry: But Crabbe and Goyle are there! How will I ever distract them? Oh, I know! [Tiptoes out under the Invisibility Cloak] I am the ghost of the last person who tried to enter the Room of Requirement alooooone! Ooooooooooh!
Crabbe and Goyle: AAAAAGH! [Run away]
Harry: That was so easy it was sad.
[But Draco does not appear]
[At one point he trips, and runs into Tonks!]
Tonks: Harry! Fancy meeting you here!
Harry: What are you doing?
Tonks: I have to see Dumbledore. He’s not in his office.
Harry: He hasn’t been around much at all lately. Do you know why?
Tonks: Haven’t got a clue. But he needs to know about all the people who have been getting hurt.
Harry: Good luck trying to bring anything useful to his attention.
Tonks: Er…thanks….
[Later that day, Harry reconvenes with Ron and Hermione]
Ron: So I think I’m finally getting the hand of apparating! I was able to get outside Madame Puddifoot’s today!
Harry: Hooray!
Ron: Of course Hermione was perfect as ever, and her instructor was still gushing about how fantastic she was when I left.
Harry: Why am I not surprised.
Hermione: He’s just telling the truth—I am the best, after all. But, anyway, Harry, you didn’t go to the Room of Requirement again, did you?
Harry: Well…I did, but…while I was there I ran into Tonks!
Ron and Hermione: Tonks?
Ron: But why?
Harry: I don’t know. But I had a thought. Maybe she was in love with Sirius? I mean, all her strangeness started after he died, right?
Ron: Well, it could be. After all, we all know what women are like.
Hermione: You are so right, Ron. [Pause] You don’t mean me, do you?
Ron: No, not at all! You’re the exception that proves the rule!
Hermione: Harry, you realize I can hear everything you’re saying.
Harry: WHAAAA?! I didn’t even know you were here! Oh, well—I didn’t say anything incriminating anyway!
Hermione: I’m beginning to think the only way you’ll ever convince that teacher is to put him under the Imperius curse.
Harry: Ooh! Is that an option?
Hermione: No, because it’s morally dubious and illegal.
Harry: I saw Dumbledore use it in a memory once!
Hermione: Oh, well in that case it’s fine.
Ron: Hermione! I’m having trouble with this essay! I’m writing it using one of Fred and George’s spell-check quills. Say, I didn’t know Augury was spelled O-R-G-Y…!
Hermione: Ron, that stupid quill is spelling words wrong on purpose!
Ron: It is?
Hermione: No shit it is! Here, let me correct all those spelling mistakes! [Uses her wand to right the errors]
Ron: If it’s that easy why the hell do we even have spell-check quills?!
[Just then, Kreacher appears!]
Kreacher: It is I!
[So does Dobby]
Dobby: Dobby has arrived!
Harry: Oh, goody! Now, what have you found?
Kreacher: Well, I’ve found that Draco is much cooler and more interesting than you could ever hope to be, and a lot smarter too—
Dobby: Hey! Draco is an evil racist! Don’t you ever compare him favorably to Harry again!
Harry: Never mind that now! Just tell me what you’ve found out about him!
Kreacher: Well I know what he eats, and where he sleeps, and what color underwear he has—
Harry: Never mind all that! Dobby, surely you must have found something useful!
Dobby: As a matter of fact, I have. He hasn’t done anything to break the school rules, but whenever he has the chance he disappears into one of the rooms on the seventh floor while other students keep guard.
Harry: The Room of Requirement?!
Dobby: The very same.
Harry: Aha! That explains why he disappears off the map—the Room of Requirement isn’t listed on it anywhere!
Hermione: Yeah—that room is unplottable! Of course, Draco must have known about the room because of what happened last year. Now he’s turning it to his own evil purposes.
Harry: Dobby, you have acted well.
Dobby: Thank you!
Hermione: Kreacher’s acted well too!
Kreacher: Don’t patronize me, you freak. [Vanishes]
Harry: Dobby, you are relieved of duty.
Dobby: Until next time! [Vanishes]
Harry: This is great! Now we know that Draco is up to no good, and we know where he goes to do that no good!
Hermione: Yes, but what about all those other students he’s with? I know he’s always with Crabbe and Goyle, but to get a whole variety of people in on it…?
Harry: That is very strange. Unless… [Reflects for a moment] Aha! I’ve got it! Draco’s been stealing Polyjuice potion! Slutborn made quite a lot of it early in the year, right? He’s just been transforming Crabbe and Goyle into other people!
Hermione: You know, he could have made the potion himself.
Harry: Oh, rubbish! Draco is too stupid to make a potion like that!
Hermione: Well, be that as it may, what you should really be focusing on is getting the memory from Slughorn before Dumbledore has your head. [Leaves to go to bed]
[Harry doesn’t sleep well that night]
Harry: Just what is Draco up to? I have to find out!
[Sure enough, the next day, he takes advantage of some spare time to get up to the corridor where the Room of Requirement is]
Harry: Now, reveal to me what it is Draco wants!
[But the room refuses to appear]
Harry: Did you not hear what I said? Reveal to me what it is Draco wants!
[The room still does not appear]
Harry: What is it you become when Draco comes to find you?
[The room still does not appear]
Harry: Dammit! I’m the Chosen One! If I want you to give me information you give it to me!
[The room still does not appear]
Harry: Oh, fuck all this! I need to get to class!
[He goes to Defense Against the Dark Arts…]
Snape: So, anyway, just hand in your essays like good little boys and girls and then we can continue.
Seamus: Snape, Snape!
Snape: Yes, what is it?
Seamus: How can we tell the difference between an inferius and a ghost? I heard there was one that was arrested recently!
Snape: That wasn’t an inferius, that was an idiot named Mundungus Fletcher, and never you mind who he is or what that was all about.
Harry: Why is Snape being so mean to Mundungus? Yes Mundungus is a good-for-nothing who has no business even being in the Order, but still, I can’t for the life of me imagine why Snape would be mean to him!
Snape: But, since you asked, can anyone answer the question? Harry Potter?
Harry: Aha! Well…ah…you see, ghosts are spirits, so they’re transparent, whereas inferi would be more solid….
Snape: That’s the answer you picked?
Harry: Yes…?
Snape: You are aware, are you not, that any noob could have said the same exact thing?
Harry: Well, yes, but what was I supposed to say?
Snape: Well, for the record, an inferius is essentially a puppet made from a corpse, whereas a ghost is the imprint of a departed person in this world. Mind that you don’t confuse them, or you’ll insult Death, the great and powerful.
Ron: But that’s not fair! Harry’s information is much more useful if we just happen to encounter one in the streets!
Snape: Oh, honestly! Listen here, you anti-intellectual little brat, I didn’t take this dangerous, cursed job that will probably kill me just to hear you Gryffindors lecture me about my teaching methods! Knowing the difference between ghosts and inferi is much more than simply knowing how to recognize them and the sooner you understand that the better!
Hermione: [Facepalm]
[After class, Harry and Ron duck into the boys’ bathroom to avoid Lavender and run into Moaning Myrtle!]
Moaning Myrtle: Oh, it’s you two. Remember me? It’s been two books since I had anything to do.
Harry: Well that’s not my fault. You’re just a boring side character who only matters insofar as she’s useful to me!
Moaning Myrtle: That’s not very nice! For your information, I’m useful to other people who have nothing to do with you.
Harry: Oh, yeah? Like who?
Moaning Myrtle: I don’t have to give away who it is. All I will say is that every time I see him he’s always crying and crying. He reminds me of myself that way.
Ron: Eew—a boy crying?! That is, like, so weird!
Moaning Myrtle: I don’t care if you think it’s weird or not, it’s true!
Ron: Whatever!
[As time passes, Harry still fails to get the memory from Slughorn]
Harry: Hermione, you mostly do all my work for me anyway. Can’t you come up with something?
Hermione: Nope, I haven’t got a clue. You’re on your own for this one.
Harry: Of all the times for you decide not to help me…!
[One day, as Ron and Hermione leave to practice apparition in Hogsmeade, Harry steals up to the Room of Requirement again]
Harry: But Crabbe and Goyle are there! How will I ever distract them? Oh, I know! [Tiptoes out under the Invisibility Cloak] I am the ghost of the last person who tried to enter the Room of Requirement alooooone! Ooooooooooh!
Crabbe and Goyle: AAAAAGH! [Run away]
Harry: That was so easy it was sad.
[But Draco does not appear]
[At one point he trips, and runs into Tonks!]
Tonks: Harry! Fancy meeting you here!
Harry: What are you doing?
Tonks: I have to see Dumbledore. He’s not in his office.
Harry: He hasn’t been around much at all lately. Do you know why?
Tonks: Haven’t got a clue. But he needs to know about all the people who have been getting hurt.
Harry: Good luck trying to bring anything useful to his attention.
Tonks: Er…thanks….
[Later that day, Harry reconvenes with Ron and Hermione]
Ron: So I think I’m finally getting the hand of apparating! I was able to get outside Madame Puddifoot’s today!
Harry: Hooray!
Ron: Of course Hermione was perfect as ever, and her instructor was still gushing about how fantastic she was when I left.
Harry: Why am I not surprised.
Hermione: He’s just telling the truth—I am the best, after all. But, anyway, Harry, you didn’t go to the Room of Requirement again, did you?
Harry: Well…I did, but…while I was there I ran into Tonks!
Ron and Hermione: Tonks?
Ron: But why?
Harry: I don’t know. But I had a thought. Maybe she was in love with Sirius? I mean, all her strangeness started after he died, right?
Ron: Well, it could be. After all, we all know what women are like.
Hermione: You are so right, Ron. [Pause] You don’t mean me, do you?
Ron: No, not at all! You’re the exception that proves the rule!
no subject
Heh, I thought that JKR was poking fun at Draco fans with this line.
/Moaning Myrtle: Oh, it’s you two. Remember me? It’s been two books since I had anything to do./
Well, it could’ve been worse, Myrtle. You could have disappeared from the series like Crookshanks did.
/Maybe she was in love with Sirius?/
I still find it odd that none of them found this idea weird. “Oh, yeah, Tonks could’ve been in love with her mom’s first cousin who was old enough to be her dad, even though we never saw any sign of that last year. Why not?”
no subject