Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 8

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[On the day of the wedding, Harry is disguised as a long-lost Weasley relative via Polyjuice potion]

Harry: It might be fun to be a lesser being for the day.

Fred: I hate all the formalities they’re making us go through! When I get married it will be in a quiet civil ceremony in which everyone wears what they want!

George: Don’t you mean if you get married?

Fred: Don’t even joke about that. [Shudder] Oh, look—it’s a bunch of French Veelas. I think I’ll go fawn over the exotic girls from another country!

George: You do that!

[As it happens, one of the wedding guests is Luna’s father, Xenophilius Lovegood!]

Ron: So, where is your daughter, Luna, now?

Xenophilius Lovegood: Oh, she’s communing with the Garden Gnomes. That’s my girl—a friend to all living things if ever I saw one!

Ron: What?! You’re not supposed to talk to or appreciate Gnomes! They’re pests who ought to be abused as much as possible!

[But Luna arrives shortly thereafter]

Luna: Hello, everyone! Harry, is that you? [Indicates Harry]

Harry: Don’t give away my disguise, dammit!

Luna: Sorry….

Harry: What happened to your finger?

Luna: One of the Gnomes bit me.

Xenophilius Lovegood: That’s alright—animal bites build character, I always say!

Luna: Right you are, Father Dear!

[Just then, another Weasley relative, Auntie Muriel, arrives]

Auntie Muriel: [to Harry] Who might you be?

Harry: I’m the Weasleys’ cousin Barny!

Auntie Muriel: Is that so? How come I’ve never seen you at family gatherings before?

Harry: I…ah…I’m an illegitimate son of a long-lost relative of the Weasley family!

Auntie Muriel: Is that so? You wouldn’t happen to be…Harry Potter in disguise, would you?

Harry: No, not at all! What on earth gave you that idea?!

Auntie Muriel: Well, Ron has said that he knows him, is all.

Harry: He was just boasting emptily, that’s all! You know how Ron gets—always vying for attention he doesn’t deserve!

Ron: Hey!

Auntie Muriel: Speaking of Ron, can he find me a seat?

Ron: Yes, Auntie Muriel.

[He leaves with Auntie Muriel, looking resigned]

[Harry and Ron meet up once most of the guests have taken their seats]

Ron: Seriously, though, my Auntie Muriel is the worst! She had the nerve to get offended when Fred and George played pranks on her! Can you believe that?!

Harry: Honestly!

[Hermione joins them]

Ron: Wow, Hermione, you look lovely!

Hermione: Don’t I, though? Well, Fleur can always be the second best-looking girl at the wedding.

[Then Fred and George appear]

George: I wish Uncle Bilius were here. He was so much fun.

Fred: I mean, yeah, he would get drunk and make a complete ass out of himself, but that’s just good, clean fun, right?!

[They they’re joined by Victor Krum!]

Viktor Krum: Hermione, remember me from three books ago?

Hermione: Oh, yes, I remember you. You’re that quidditch star. Doormat Krum, was it?

Viktor Krum: Doormat?! That’s not very nice!

Hermione: I’m sorry if you still think you have a chance with me, but Ron is the only man I need now.

Viktor Krum: What did I ever do to you…?

[Harry escorts Viktor Krum to his seat]

[Once everyone’s seated, the wedding procession begins. Bill and Fleur get married, and then there’s a reception.]

Ron: Harry, look. Luna’s sitting all by herself.

Harry: Well, what can a lowly Ravenclaw hipster expect at a party like this, right? Oh, well—we might as well look noble by keeping her company.

[Harry, Ron, and Hermione sit with Luna, but she soon goes up to dance.]

[Luna’s spot is taken by Viktor Krum in short order]

Ron: Eew. Hermione, let’s get you away from that dirty foreigner forthwith.

Hermione: I concur.

[They leave Harry sitting at the table alone with Viktor Krum]

Viktor Krum: Do I know you?

Harry: Why, yes, you do! I’m the famous Harry—I mean, no, no, we’ve never met!

Viktor Krum: Alright, then. Listen, do you know who that man is? [Points at Xenophilius Lovegood]

Harry: Oh, he’s the creepy father of my Ravenclaw friend Luna. Why?

Viktor Krum: I don’t like the necklace he’s wearing. Where I come from it’s considered bad luck.

Harry: Bad luck? But why could that possibly be?

Viktor Krum: It was a symbol worn by a Dark wizard called Grindlewald. Nobody has successfully worn it since.

Harry: That’s odd. This Grindlewald person has the exact same name as the Dark wizard Dumbledore defeated.

Viktor Krum: Well…yes….

Harry: That’s odd. I wonder if there’s any connection.

Viktor Krum: [Buries face in hands]

Harry: Your wand!

Viktor Krum: What about my wand?

Harry: Was it, by any chance, made by a man called Gregorovitch?

Viktor Krum: Well…yes, yes it was. Why do you ask?

Harry: Oh, intellectual curiosity. You know how it is.

Viktor Krum: By the way, I see a beautiful red-haired girl in the crowd. Is she a friend of yours?

Harry: Stay away from my—I mean, Harry Potter’s woman, you dirty foreigner!

Viktor Krum: I’m sorry I asked…. [to self] Why are all the girls I like at this wedding taken? Why is it so hard for a rich, famous quidditch star like me to get the girls he wants?

Harry: You’re not the Chosen One, that’s why!

Viktor Krum: The Chosen One?!

Harry: …Oops, did I say that out loud?

[Harry quickly leaves, and wanders around the wedding until he comes upon Elphias Doge, chatting with Hagrid and Charlie!]

Harry: I know that man! Maybe he can give me a clue about Dumbledore! [goes over to Elphias Doge] Mr. Doge, Mr. Doge! I’m Harry Potter!

Elphias Doge: Really? You don’t look like Harry Potter.

Harry: It’s a long story. Never mind that now. I just wondered if you could tell me anything more about Dumbledore, seeing as you wrote his obituary.

Elphias Doge: Oh, yes. Dumbledore. My boy, Dumbledore was the sexiest and most desirable man at school at that time. Every single male student in Hogwarts wanted Dumbledore’s white body, and I was no exception. Even the straight guys wanted him. You can only imagine the lengths to which we went for one glimpse of him naked!

Harry: That’s great and all, but…er…did you and he ever get into a relationship?

Elphias Doge: Oh, goodness, no. I wasn’t good enough for him, he told me so himself. In fact, nobody was ever good enough for him, it seems. Although there was that one time I snuck into his bed to nibble his lush, red hair like a carrot while he slept….

Harry: Whoa—that’s way too much information!

Elphias Doge: Sorry….

Harry: Ahem, did you happen to read Rita Skeeter’s article that appeared in the paper?

Elphias Doge: It wasn’t porn about Albus Dumbledore, or a further testament to his sexiness, so no.

Harry: [Facepalm]

Auntie Muriel: Did someone say Rita Skeeter?!

Harry: What about her?

Auntie Muriel: I read her stuff.

Harry: You do, do you?

Auntie Muriel: I for one can’t wait to read her biography of Albus Dumbledore.

Harry: Oh, really? What exactly are you looking forward to so much?

Auntie Muriel: Apparently it’s going to cause a scandal. For instance, I heard that his family killed his sister for being a squib!

Harry: That’s horrible!

Elphias Doge: I didn’t know he had a sister! Was she as sexy as him? Such a waste….

Auntie Muriel: We’ll never know now, will we? Because she was a squib. And her own family killed her!

Harry: Now wait just a moment! Dumbledore couldn’t possibly have come from bad stock—he was always the epitome of goodness!

Auntie Muriel: And did I mention Dumbledore’s own mother died under totally mysterious circumstances not long before Ariana’s own death?

Elphias Doge: Damn you! Now my sweet fantasies about Dumbledore will be forever ruined by the thought of murdered women and children!

Auntie Muriel: It gets better! I heard from my own mother that the family friend Bathilda Bagshot described Albus as fighting with his brother Aberforth at the funeral! Why, I even have it on good authority that Bathilda Bagshot is a friend of Rita Skeeter’s, so I’m sure this will all be revealed in the new book!

Elphias Doge: These revelations don’t sound like they’ll be very sexy at all….

Harry: But…but…Bathilda Bagshot wrote the History of Magic textbook! What could this possibly mean?! Was my angel Dumbledore not so angelic after all?! Could it be?! Have I been taking cues from an evil man all along?! This isn’t what I want to hear at all!

Auntie Muriel: In fact, I’ve been planning a trip to Godric’s Hollow to see Bathilda Bagshot myself, in case she has any more information!

Harry: Does this mean Dumbledore’s family lived in Godric’s Hollow?!

Auntie Muriel: Well yes they did. It’s not a secret.

[Harry leaves Auntie Muriel and wanders off alone]

Harry: I just can’t believe this. I can’t believe Dumbledore could be responsible for something so horrible. Oh, well—all the more reason to visit Godric’s Hollow!

[Not long afterward, a patronus shaped like a lynx touches down in the middle of the dance floor]

Kingsley: [speaking through patronus] It’s terrible, the Death Eaters have overrun the Ministry and they’re killing us all!

Voldemort: Hey! Let me speak!

Kingsley: I can’t do that! This is my patronus! Go get your own!

Voldemort: It is you black people who aren’t allowed to have anything of your own!

Kingsley: Well you’re more racist than your counterpart in the book.

Voldemort: Fuck you! Listen, you Order members! ALL YOUR MINISTRY IS BELONG TO US! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Harry: Oh, no! Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse! Now the Ministry has been taken over by Death Eaters!

Comments

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

If Binns is based on JKR’s history teacher, he has far more reason to object than John Nettleship had to object to Snape.