Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 8
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deathtocapslock[On the day of the wedding, Harry is disguised as a long-lost Weasley relative via Polyjuice potion]
Harry: It might be fun to be a lesser being for the day.
Fred: I hate all the formalities they’re making us go through! When I get married it will be in a quiet civil ceremony in which everyone wears what they want!
George: Don’t you mean if you get married?
Fred: Don’t even joke about that. [Shudder] Oh, look—it’s a bunch of French Veelas. I think I’ll go fawn over the exotic girls from another country!
George: You do that!
[As it happens, one of the wedding guests is Luna’s father, Xenophilius Lovegood!]
Ron: So, where is your daughter, Luna, now?
Xenophilius Lovegood: Oh, she’s communing with the Garden Gnomes. That’s my girl—a friend to all living things if ever I saw one!
Ron: What?! You’re not supposed to talk to or appreciate Gnomes! They’re pests who ought to be abused as much as possible!
[But Luna arrives shortly thereafter]
Luna: Hello, everyone! Harry, is that you? [Indicates Harry]
Harry: Don’t give away my disguise, dammit!
Luna: Sorry….
Harry: What happened to your finger?
Luna: One of the Gnomes bit me.
Xenophilius Lovegood: That’s alright—animal bites build character, I always say!
Luna: Right you are, Father Dear!
[Just then, another Weasley relative, Auntie Muriel, arrives]
Auntie Muriel: [to Harry] Who might you be?
Harry: I’m the Weasleys’ cousin Barny!
Auntie Muriel: Is that so? How come I’ve never seen you at family gatherings before?
Harry: I…ah…I’m an illegitimate son of a long-lost relative of the Weasley family!
Auntie Muriel: Is that so? You wouldn’t happen to be…Harry Potter in disguise, would you?
Harry: No, not at all! What on earth gave you that idea?!
Auntie Muriel: Well, Ron has said that he knows him, is all.
Harry: He was just boasting emptily, that’s all! You know how Ron gets—always vying for attention he doesn’t deserve!
Ron: Hey!
Auntie Muriel: Speaking of Ron, can he find me a seat?
Ron: Yes, Auntie Muriel.
[He leaves with Auntie Muriel, looking resigned]
[Harry and Ron meet up once most of the guests have taken their seats]
Ron: Seriously, though, my Auntie Muriel is the worst! She had the nerve to get offended when Fred and George played pranks on her! Can you believe that?!
Harry: Honestly!
[Hermione joins them]
Ron: Wow, Hermione, you look lovely!
Hermione: Don’t I, though? Well, Fleur can always be the second best-looking girl at the wedding.
[Then Fred and George appear]
George: I wish Uncle Bilius were here. He was so much fun.
Fred: I mean, yeah, he would get drunk and make a complete ass out of himself, but that’s just good, clean fun, right?!
[They they’re joined by Victor Krum!]
Viktor Krum: Hermione, remember me from three books ago?
Hermione: Oh, yes, I remember you. You’re that quidditch star. Doormat Krum, was it?
Viktor Krum: Doormat?! That’s not very nice!
Hermione: I’m sorry if you still think you have a chance with me, but Ron is the only man I need now.
Viktor Krum: What did I ever do to you…?
[Harry escorts Viktor Krum to his seat]
[Once everyone’s seated, the wedding procession begins. Bill and Fleur get married, and then there’s a reception.]
Ron: Harry, look. Luna’s sitting all by herself.
Harry: Well, what can a lowly Ravenclaw hipster expect at a party like this, right? Oh, well—we might as well look noble by keeping her company.
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione sit with Luna, but she soon goes up to dance.]
[Luna’s spot is taken by Viktor Krum in short order]
Ron: Eew. Hermione, let’s get you away from that dirty foreigner forthwith.
Hermione: I concur.
[They leave Harry sitting at the table alone with Viktor Krum]
Viktor Krum: Do I know you?
Harry: Why, yes, you do! I’m the famous Harry—I mean, no, no, we’ve never met!
Viktor Krum: Alright, then. Listen, do you know who that man is? [Points at Xenophilius Lovegood]
Harry: Oh, he’s the creepy father of my Ravenclaw friend Luna. Why?
Viktor Krum: I don’t like the necklace he’s wearing. Where I come from it’s considered bad luck.
Harry: Bad luck? But why could that possibly be?
Viktor Krum: It was a symbol worn by a Dark wizard called Grindlewald. Nobody has successfully worn it since.
Harry: That’s odd. This Grindlewald person has the exact same name as the Dark wizard Dumbledore defeated.
Viktor Krum: Well…yes….
Harry: That’s odd. I wonder if there’s any connection.
Viktor Krum: [Buries face in hands]
Harry: Your wand!
Viktor Krum: What about my wand?
Harry: Was it, by any chance, made by a man called Gregorovitch?
Viktor Krum: Well…yes, yes it was. Why do you ask?
Harry: Oh, intellectual curiosity. You know how it is.
Viktor Krum: By the way, I see a beautiful red-haired girl in the crowd. Is she a friend of yours?
Harry: Stay away from my—I mean, Harry Potter’s woman, you dirty foreigner!
Viktor Krum: I’m sorry I asked…. [to self] Why are all the girls I like at this wedding taken? Why is it so hard for a rich, famous quidditch star like me to get the girls he wants?
Harry: You’re not the Chosen One, that’s why!
Viktor Krum: The Chosen One?!
Harry: …Oops, did I say that out loud?
[Harry quickly leaves, and wanders around the wedding until he comes upon Elphias Doge, chatting with Hagrid and Charlie!]
Harry: I know that man! Maybe he can give me a clue about Dumbledore! [goes over to Elphias Doge] Mr. Doge, Mr. Doge! I’m Harry Potter!
Elphias Doge: Really? You don’t look like Harry Potter.
Harry: It’s a long story. Never mind that now. I just wondered if you could tell me anything more about Dumbledore, seeing as you wrote his obituary.
Elphias Doge: Oh, yes. Dumbledore. My boy, Dumbledore was the sexiest and most desirable man at school at that time. Every single male student in Hogwarts wanted Dumbledore’s white body, and I was no exception. Even the straight guys wanted him. You can only imagine the lengths to which we went for one glimpse of him naked!
Harry: That’s great and all, but…er…did you and he ever get into a relationship?
Elphias Doge: Oh, goodness, no. I wasn’t good enough for him, he told me so himself. In fact, nobody was ever good enough for him, it seems. Although there was that one time I snuck into his bed to nibble his lush, red hair like a carrot while he slept….
Harry: Whoa—that’s way too much information!
Elphias Doge: Sorry….
Harry: Ahem, did you happen to read Rita Skeeter’s article that appeared in the paper?
Elphias Doge: It wasn’t porn about Albus Dumbledore, or a further testament to his sexiness, so no.
Harry: [Facepalm]
Auntie Muriel: Did someone say Rita Skeeter?!
Harry: What about her?
Auntie Muriel: I read her stuff.
Harry: You do, do you?
Auntie Muriel: I for one can’t wait to read her biography of Albus Dumbledore.
Harry: Oh, really? What exactly are you looking forward to so much?
Auntie Muriel: Apparently it’s going to cause a scandal. For instance, I heard that his family killed his sister for being a squib!
Harry: That’s horrible!
Elphias Doge: I didn’t know he had a sister! Was she as sexy as him? Such a waste….
Auntie Muriel: We’ll never know now, will we? Because she was a squib. And her own family killed her!
Harry: Now wait just a moment! Dumbledore couldn’t possibly have come from bad stock—he was always the epitome of goodness!
Auntie Muriel: And did I mention Dumbledore’s own mother died under totally mysterious circumstances not long before Ariana’s own death?
Elphias Doge: Damn you! Now my sweet fantasies about Dumbledore will be forever ruined by the thought of murdered women and children!
Auntie Muriel: It gets better! I heard from my own mother that the family friend Bathilda Bagshot described Albus as fighting with his brother Aberforth at the funeral! Why, I even have it on good authority that Bathilda Bagshot is a friend of Rita Skeeter’s, so I’m sure this will all be revealed in the new book!
Elphias Doge: These revelations don’t sound like they’ll be very sexy at all….
Harry: But…but…Bathilda Bagshot wrote the History of Magic textbook! What could this possibly mean?! Was my angel Dumbledore not so angelic after all?! Could it be?! Have I been taking cues from an evil man all along?! This isn’t what I want to hear at all!
Auntie Muriel: In fact, I’ve been planning a trip to Godric’s Hollow to see Bathilda Bagshot myself, in case she has any more information!
Harry: Does this mean Dumbledore’s family lived in Godric’s Hollow?!
Auntie Muriel: Well yes they did. It’s not a secret.
[Harry leaves Auntie Muriel and wanders off alone]
Harry: I just can’t believe this. I can’t believe Dumbledore could be responsible for something so horrible. Oh, well—all the more reason to visit Godric’s Hollow!
[Not long afterward, a patronus shaped like a lynx touches down in the middle of the dance floor]
Kingsley: [speaking through patronus] It’s terrible, the Death Eaters have overrun the Ministry and they’re killing us all!
Voldemort: Hey! Let me speak!
Kingsley: I can’t do that! This is my patronus! Go get your own!
Voldemort: It is you black people who aren’t allowed to have anything of your own!
Kingsley: Well you’re more racist than your counterpart in the book.
Voldemort: Fuck you! Listen, you Order members! ALL YOUR MINISTRY IS BELONG TO US! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Harry: Oh, no! Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse! Now the Ministry has been taken over by Death Eaters!
Harry: It might be fun to be a lesser being for the day.
Fred: I hate all the formalities they’re making us go through! When I get married it will be in a quiet civil ceremony in which everyone wears what they want!
George: Don’t you mean if you get married?
Fred: Don’t even joke about that. [Shudder] Oh, look—it’s a bunch of French Veelas. I think I’ll go fawn over the exotic girls from another country!
George: You do that!
[As it happens, one of the wedding guests is Luna’s father, Xenophilius Lovegood!]
Ron: So, where is your daughter, Luna, now?
Xenophilius Lovegood: Oh, she’s communing with the Garden Gnomes. That’s my girl—a friend to all living things if ever I saw one!
Ron: What?! You’re not supposed to talk to or appreciate Gnomes! They’re pests who ought to be abused as much as possible!
[But Luna arrives shortly thereafter]
Luna: Hello, everyone! Harry, is that you? [Indicates Harry]
Harry: Don’t give away my disguise, dammit!
Luna: Sorry….
Harry: What happened to your finger?
Luna: One of the Gnomes bit me.
Xenophilius Lovegood: That’s alright—animal bites build character, I always say!
Luna: Right you are, Father Dear!
[Just then, another Weasley relative, Auntie Muriel, arrives]
Auntie Muriel: [to Harry] Who might you be?
Harry: I’m the Weasleys’ cousin Barny!
Auntie Muriel: Is that so? How come I’ve never seen you at family gatherings before?
Harry: I…ah…I’m an illegitimate son of a long-lost relative of the Weasley family!
Auntie Muriel: Is that so? You wouldn’t happen to be…Harry Potter in disguise, would you?
Harry: No, not at all! What on earth gave you that idea?!
Auntie Muriel: Well, Ron has said that he knows him, is all.
Harry: He was just boasting emptily, that’s all! You know how Ron gets—always vying for attention he doesn’t deserve!
Ron: Hey!
Auntie Muriel: Speaking of Ron, can he find me a seat?
Ron: Yes, Auntie Muriel.
[He leaves with Auntie Muriel, looking resigned]
[Harry and Ron meet up once most of the guests have taken their seats]
Ron: Seriously, though, my Auntie Muriel is the worst! She had the nerve to get offended when Fred and George played pranks on her! Can you believe that?!
Harry: Honestly!
[Hermione joins them]
Ron: Wow, Hermione, you look lovely!
Hermione: Don’t I, though? Well, Fleur can always be the second best-looking girl at the wedding.
[Then Fred and George appear]
George: I wish Uncle Bilius were here. He was so much fun.
Fred: I mean, yeah, he would get drunk and make a complete ass out of himself, but that’s just good, clean fun, right?!
[They they’re joined by Victor Krum!]
Viktor Krum: Hermione, remember me from three books ago?
Hermione: Oh, yes, I remember you. You’re that quidditch star. Doormat Krum, was it?
Viktor Krum: Doormat?! That’s not very nice!
Hermione: I’m sorry if you still think you have a chance with me, but Ron is the only man I need now.
Viktor Krum: What did I ever do to you…?
[Harry escorts Viktor Krum to his seat]
[Once everyone’s seated, the wedding procession begins. Bill and Fleur get married, and then there’s a reception.]
Ron: Harry, look. Luna’s sitting all by herself.
Harry: Well, what can a lowly Ravenclaw hipster expect at a party like this, right? Oh, well—we might as well look noble by keeping her company.
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione sit with Luna, but she soon goes up to dance.]
[Luna’s spot is taken by Viktor Krum in short order]
Ron: Eew. Hermione, let’s get you away from that dirty foreigner forthwith.
Hermione: I concur.
[They leave Harry sitting at the table alone with Viktor Krum]
Viktor Krum: Do I know you?
Harry: Why, yes, you do! I’m the famous Harry—I mean, no, no, we’ve never met!
Viktor Krum: Alright, then. Listen, do you know who that man is? [Points at Xenophilius Lovegood]
Harry: Oh, he’s the creepy father of my Ravenclaw friend Luna. Why?
Viktor Krum: I don’t like the necklace he’s wearing. Where I come from it’s considered bad luck.
Harry: Bad luck? But why could that possibly be?
Viktor Krum: It was a symbol worn by a Dark wizard called Grindlewald. Nobody has successfully worn it since.
Harry: That’s odd. This Grindlewald person has the exact same name as the Dark wizard Dumbledore defeated.
Viktor Krum: Well…yes….
Harry: That’s odd. I wonder if there’s any connection.
Viktor Krum: [Buries face in hands]
Harry: Your wand!
Viktor Krum: What about my wand?
Harry: Was it, by any chance, made by a man called Gregorovitch?
Viktor Krum: Well…yes, yes it was. Why do you ask?
Harry: Oh, intellectual curiosity. You know how it is.
Viktor Krum: By the way, I see a beautiful red-haired girl in the crowd. Is she a friend of yours?
Harry: Stay away from my—I mean, Harry Potter’s woman, you dirty foreigner!
Viktor Krum: I’m sorry I asked…. [to self] Why are all the girls I like at this wedding taken? Why is it so hard for a rich, famous quidditch star like me to get the girls he wants?
Harry: You’re not the Chosen One, that’s why!
Viktor Krum: The Chosen One?!
Harry: …Oops, did I say that out loud?
[Harry quickly leaves, and wanders around the wedding until he comes upon Elphias Doge, chatting with Hagrid and Charlie!]
Harry: I know that man! Maybe he can give me a clue about Dumbledore! [goes over to Elphias Doge] Mr. Doge, Mr. Doge! I’m Harry Potter!
Elphias Doge: Really? You don’t look like Harry Potter.
Harry: It’s a long story. Never mind that now. I just wondered if you could tell me anything more about Dumbledore, seeing as you wrote his obituary.
Elphias Doge: Oh, yes. Dumbledore. My boy, Dumbledore was the sexiest and most desirable man at school at that time. Every single male student in Hogwarts wanted Dumbledore’s white body, and I was no exception. Even the straight guys wanted him. You can only imagine the lengths to which we went for one glimpse of him naked!
Harry: That’s great and all, but…er…did you and he ever get into a relationship?
Elphias Doge: Oh, goodness, no. I wasn’t good enough for him, he told me so himself. In fact, nobody was ever good enough for him, it seems. Although there was that one time I snuck into his bed to nibble his lush, red hair like a carrot while he slept….
Harry: Whoa—that’s way too much information!
Elphias Doge: Sorry….
Harry: Ahem, did you happen to read Rita Skeeter’s article that appeared in the paper?
Elphias Doge: It wasn’t porn about Albus Dumbledore, or a further testament to his sexiness, so no.
Harry: [Facepalm]
Auntie Muriel: Did someone say Rita Skeeter?!
Harry: What about her?
Auntie Muriel: I read her stuff.
Harry: You do, do you?
Auntie Muriel: I for one can’t wait to read her biography of Albus Dumbledore.
Harry: Oh, really? What exactly are you looking forward to so much?
Auntie Muriel: Apparently it’s going to cause a scandal. For instance, I heard that his family killed his sister for being a squib!
Harry: That’s horrible!
Elphias Doge: I didn’t know he had a sister! Was she as sexy as him? Such a waste….
Auntie Muriel: We’ll never know now, will we? Because she was a squib. And her own family killed her!
Harry: Now wait just a moment! Dumbledore couldn’t possibly have come from bad stock—he was always the epitome of goodness!
Auntie Muriel: And did I mention Dumbledore’s own mother died under totally mysterious circumstances not long before Ariana’s own death?
Elphias Doge: Damn you! Now my sweet fantasies about Dumbledore will be forever ruined by the thought of murdered women and children!
Auntie Muriel: It gets better! I heard from my own mother that the family friend Bathilda Bagshot described Albus as fighting with his brother Aberforth at the funeral! Why, I even have it on good authority that Bathilda Bagshot is a friend of Rita Skeeter’s, so I’m sure this will all be revealed in the new book!
Elphias Doge: These revelations don’t sound like they’ll be very sexy at all….
Harry: But…but…Bathilda Bagshot wrote the History of Magic textbook! What could this possibly mean?! Was my angel Dumbledore not so angelic after all?! Could it be?! Have I been taking cues from an evil man all along?! This isn’t what I want to hear at all!
Auntie Muriel: In fact, I’ve been planning a trip to Godric’s Hollow to see Bathilda Bagshot myself, in case she has any more information!
Harry: Does this mean Dumbledore’s family lived in Godric’s Hollow?!
Auntie Muriel: Well yes they did. It’s not a secret.
[Harry leaves Auntie Muriel and wanders off alone]
Harry: I just can’t believe this. I can’t believe Dumbledore could be responsible for something so horrible. Oh, well—all the more reason to visit Godric’s Hollow!
[Not long afterward, a patronus shaped like a lynx touches down in the middle of the dance floor]
Kingsley: [speaking through patronus] It’s terrible, the Death Eaters have overrun the Ministry and they’re killing us all!
Voldemort: Hey! Let me speak!
Kingsley: I can’t do that! This is my patronus! Go get your own!
Voldemort: It is you black people who aren’t allowed to have anything of your own!
Kingsley: Well you’re more racist than your counterpart in the book.
Voldemort: Fuck you! Listen, you Order members! ALL YOUR MINISTRY IS BELONG TO US! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Harry: Oh, no! Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse! Now the Ministry has been taken over by Death Eaters!
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Date: 2015-07-03 04:51 am (UTC)I can't imagine any Westerner being 17 and not knowing what a swastika is.