Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 13
Jul. 7th, 2015 10:57 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockUmbridge: What are you two looking so surprised about? This is where my office is—of course I would be up here!
Hermione: Surprised? W-why would I be s-surprised?
Umbridge: You aren’t spies, are you?
Hermione: No ma’am—not spies at all!
Umbridge: In that case, Mafalda, come with me. I need you to preside over the trial.
Hermione: Do I have a choice?
Umbridge: No!
Hermione: [Whimpers]
[Hermione leaves with Umbridge just as the Minister of Magic comes up!]
Thicknesse: Hello, Runcorn. What are you doing here?
Harry: Oh, I was just consulting with Arthur Weasley!
Thicknesse: About what?
Harry: Ah…about…sausages! Yeah!
Thicknesse: Sausages?
Harry: You know—the old in-out!
Thicknesse: Do I want to know?
Harry: No, not at all!
Thicknesse: Very well then. [Leaves]
[Harry throws on his Cloak and wanders down the corridor]
Harry: Oh, woe is me! This isn’t going according to plan at all! In fact, I’m not even sure what our plan was anymore! Should I have gone after Umbridge? Oh, I don’t know what to do! If only Dumbledore was here…!
[But, at long last, he finds Umbridge’s office, which has Moody’s eye affixed to it!]
Harry: That monster! Stealing Moody’s magical eye! Now, how should I get into this office? I can’t very well just walk inside, because people are printing pamphlets just next door!
[Sure enough, next door is an office in which people are printing pamphlets about the evil of Mudbloods and Harry]
Harry: I’ll just distract them with this! [Pulls out Decoy Detonator]
[The Decoy Detonator crawls next door and explodes, allowing Harry to sneak into Umbridge’s office]
Harry: Eew! It looks just like her office at Hogwarts!
[Harry searches the locket but can’t find it]
Harry: But what’s this? A file on Arthur Weasley? [Reads file] So they’re calling me Undesirable Number 1 now, and they think Arthur Weasley’s a blood traitor because he allows his family to consort with muggleborns? How strange.
[But one thing Harry DOES find is a copy of Rita Skeeter’s book on Dumbledore!]
Harry: Ooh! No doubt this is important!
[He flips through the book, to find a picture of teenaged Dumbledore laughing with another teenager, who’s got long, golden hair]
Harry: Wow, Dumbledore was so hot as a teenager! And his friend was even hotter!
[But just then, Thicknesse enters!]
Harry: Oh, no! [Throws on Invisibility Cloak just in time and slips away]
[Harry meets up with Ron in the elevator, where they’re soon joined by none other than Mr. Weasley!]
Mr. Weasley: Cattermole, you look terrible!
Ron: Well…you see…Yaxley’s office is raining.
Mr. Weasley: Oh, that’s a shame. Did you try Meteolojinx Recanto?
Ron: Duly noted.
[Ron leaves at the next floor, and Percy takes his place]
Mr. Weasley and Percy: It’s you!
[Percy leaves at the next floor]
Mr. Weasley: Just so you know, Runcorn, there’ll be penance to pay when Dirk Cresswell gets out of Azkaban!
Harry: You don’t say!
Mr. Weasley: Oh, yes!
Harry: You don’t say!
Mr. Weasley: Is that all you have to say to me?
Harry: You don’t say!
Mr. Weasley: Wow, I didn’t know you were so empty-headed.
[The elevator arrives at the atrium, and Mr. Weasley leaves]
[Harry continues to descend]
Harry: Strange. It feels Dementory down here.
[Sure enough, there are Dementors all over the place. They swarm around a small group of muggleborns, who are sitting alone.]
Harry: Oh, no! What should I do? Should I call Hermione out of here? No, that won’t work—I don’t know if I could get away with it. I suppose I’ll just…stay and watch the trial. Yeah. And hope that I can rescue her and maybe also some of these muggleborns at some point.
Mary Cattermole: That’s strange. Does anyone else hear voices?
Muggleborns: Yeah. Is there a person here?
Harry: Fuck.
[At long last, Mary Cattermole is called in, and Harry follows her into the main trial room, where Umbridge is sitting with Yaxley and Hermione, protecting them with her Patronus]
Harry: That’s odd. I thought only good guys had Patronuses. [Creeps up behind Hermione] Hermione! It’s me!
Hermione: [whispers] Ssh! Not yet! Don’t do anything rash!
Umbridge: So, anyway, it has come to our attention that you, Mary Cattermole, are the daughter of muggles.
Mary Cattermole: Since when was that any business of yours?!
Umbridge: Since my lord and master the Dark Lord decided we ought to emulate a certain muggle known as Hitler.
Mary Cattermole: [Gasp]
Umbridge: Yes, I know. Shocking, isn’t it? Unlike him I actually bothered to read up on the man. Now, prepare to be shipped off in a cattle car and exterminated like the vermin you are!
Mary Cattermole: No! Please, have mercy! I have a husband who loves me and three little children!
Umbridge: We can always just exterminate them too!
Mary Cattermole: No!
Umbridge: Yes! [Flashes Slytherin’s locket, which she’s wearing around her neck] Do you see this locket? This locket belonged to my family!
Mary Cattermole: But your last name starts with a U.
Umbridge: It…ah…belongs to long-lost family on my mother’s side!
Mary Cattermole: Alright…but…ah…what does this have to do with--?
Umbridge: So in conclusion, expecting mercy from me is like expecting the tide not to come in! Death shall be the price for your liberty from our awful, racist ways!
Harry: How dare this awful, awful monster act like Sirius’s locket had ever belonged to her! Stupefy! [Stuns Umbridge] Stupefy to you too! [Stuns Yaxley] Now, Hermione, let’s get out of here!
Hermione: And the muggleborns?
Harry: Oh, yeah. Expecto patronum!
[Harry’s Patronus holds the Dementors at bay]
Harry: Now…grab the locket!
Hermione: Right! [Hermione grabs the locket and duplicates it]
Harry: Hermione, I just realized Mrs. Cattermole is wearing chains.
Hermione: Leave that to me! Relashio! [Frees Mary Cattermole]
Mary Cattermole: What’s going on?! Runcorn, aren’t you a Death Eater?!
Harry: I’m…ah…being possessed by the Chosen One and he’s forcing me to be good for a change! Now let’s go!
[They run out the door]
Hermione: Expecto patronum!
[Hermione’s Patronus joins Harry’s in helping to keep the Dementors at bay]
Muggleborns: What is all this?!
Harry: I’m the disembodied voice you heard, come to save you!
Muggleborns: Oh, well—as long as it gets us out of here!
[They all run for the exits, Harry and Hermione in tow. Soon Ron catches up to them]
Mary Cattermole: Oh, there you are, Reg! I was hoping you’d show up!
Ron: There must be a mistake—I’m not your husband.
[They make it out to the atrium…]
Harry: Alright, listen up, all of you! You are now under official orders to let the muggleborns escape!
Old wizard: What?! But that completely contradicts everything we’ve been told before!
Harry: Orders from the top, dammit!
[The old wizard has no choice but to comply]
[But just then, Yaxley catches up!]
Yaxley: What the fuck is the meaning of all this?!
Harry: Oh, I’ve decided that the muggleborns should be allowed to escape after all.
Yaxley: You can’t do that!
Harry: I just did.
Yaxley: Damn you! I’ll have you arrested and burned to death right along with the mudbloods!
Harry: I’ll make it worth your while to look the other way.
Yaxley: Dream on!
Harry: We can have a drink of that lovely East Anglian cider that comes out of that drinking fountain! That old hag Umbridge doesn’t need to know about it!
Yaxley: Keep talking.
[Just then, Reg Cattermole appears!]
Reg Cattermole: My wife!
Mary Cattermole: Husband?!
Ron: Off you two get now! [Shoves both of them into the fireplace]
Harry: Oops! Well, it’s time for us to get going!
[Harry grabs Ron and Hermione and they all disapparate, with Yaxley hot on their heels!]
Yaxley: Wait! What about the ciiiiiiiiideeeeeeeeeer?!
Hermione: Surprised? W-why would I be s-surprised?
Umbridge: You aren’t spies, are you?
Hermione: No ma’am—not spies at all!
Umbridge: In that case, Mafalda, come with me. I need you to preside over the trial.
Hermione: Do I have a choice?
Umbridge: No!
Hermione: [Whimpers]
[Hermione leaves with Umbridge just as the Minister of Magic comes up!]
Thicknesse: Hello, Runcorn. What are you doing here?
Harry: Oh, I was just consulting with Arthur Weasley!
Thicknesse: About what?
Harry: Ah…about…sausages! Yeah!
Thicknesse: Sausages?
Harry: You know—the old in-out!
Thicknesse: Do I want to know?
Harry: No, not at all!
Thicknesse: Very well then. [Leaves]
[Harry throws on his Cloak and wanders down the corridor]
Harry: Oh, woe is me! This isn’t going according to plan at all! In fact, I’m not even sure what our plan was anymore! Should I have gone after Umbridge? Oh, I don’t know what to do! If only Dumbledore was here…!
[But, at long last, he finds Umbridge’s office, which has Moody’s eye affixed to it!]
Harry: That monster! Stealing Moody’s magical eye! Now, how should I get into this office? I can’t very well just walk inside, because people are printing pamphlets just next door!
[Sure enough, next door is an office in which people are printing pamphlets about the evil of Mudbloods and Harry]
Harry: I’ll just distract them with this! [Pulls out Decoy Detonator]
[The Decoy Detonator crawls next door and explodes, allowing Harry to sneak into Umbridge’s office]
Harry: Eew! It looks just like her office at Hogwarts!
[Harry searches the locket but can’t find it]
Harry: But what’s this? A file on Arthur Weasley? [Reads file] So they’re calling me Undesirable Number 1 now, and they think Arthur Weasley’s a blood traitor because he allows his family to consort with muggleborns? How strange.
[But one thing Harry DOES find is a copy of Rita Skeeter’s book on Dumbledore!]
Harry: Ooh! No doubt this is important!
[He flips through the book, to find a picture of teenaged Dumbledore laughing with another teenager, who’s got long, golden hair]
Harry: Wow, Dumbledore was so hot as a teenager! And his friend was even hotter!
[But just then, Thicknesse enters!]
Harry: Oh, no! [Throws on Invisibility Cloak just in time and slips away]
[Harry meets up with Ron in the elevator, where they’re soon joined by none other than Mr. Weasley!]
Mr. Weasley: Cattermole, you look terrible!
Ron: Well…you see…Yaxley’s office is raining.
Mr. Weasley: Oh, that’s a shame. Did you try Meteolojinx Recanto?
Ron: Duly noted.
[Ron leaves at the next floor, and Percy takes his place]
Mr. Weasley and Percy: It’s you!
[Percy leaves at the next floor]
Mr. Weasley: Just so you know, Runcorn, there’ll be penance to pay when Dirk Cresswell gets out of Azkaban!
Harry: You don’t say!
Mr. Weasley: Oh, yes!
Harry: You don’t say!
Mr. Weasley: Is that all you have to say to me?
Harry: You don’t say!
Mr. Weasley: Wow, I didn’t know you were so empty-headed.
[The elevator arrives at the atrium, and Mr. Weasley leaves]
[Harry continues to descend]
Harry: Strange. It feels Dementory down here.
[Sure enough, there are Dementors all over the place. They swarm around a small group of muggleborns, who are sitting alone.]
Harry: Oh, no! What should I do? Should I call Hermione out of here? No, that won’t work—I don’t know if I could get away with it. I suppose I’ll just…stay and watch the trial. Yeah. And hope that I can rescue her and maybe also some of these muggleborns at some point.
Mary Cattermole: That’s strange. Does anyone else hear voices?
Muggleborns: Yeah. Is there a person here?
Harry: Fuck.
[At long last, Mary Cattermole is called in, and Harry follows her into the main trial room, where Umbridge is sitting with Yaxley and Hermione, protecting them with her Patronus]
Harry: That’s odd. I thought only good guys had Patronuses. [Creeps up behind Hermione] Hermione! It’s me!
Hermione: [whispers] Ssh! Not yet! Don’t do anything rash!
Umbridge: So, anyway, it has come to our attention that you, Mary Cattermole, are the daughter of muggles.
Mary Cattermole: Since when was that any business of yours?!
Umbridge: Since my lord and master the Dark Lord decided we ought to emulate a certain muggle known as Hitler.
Mary Cattermole: [Gasp]
Umbridge: Yes, I know. Shocking, isn’t it? Unlike him I actually bothered to read up on the man. Now, prepare to be shipped off in a cattle car and exterminated like the vermin you are!
Mary Cattermole: No! Please, have mercy! I have a husband who loves me and three little children!
Umbridge: We can always just exterminate them too!
Mary Cattermole: No!
Umbridge: Yes! [Flashes Slytherin’s locket, which she’s wearing around her neck] Do you see this locket? This locket belonged to my family!
Mary Cattermole: But your last name starts with a U.
Umbridge: It…ah…belongs to long-lost family on my mother’s side!
Mary Cattermole: Alright…but…ah…what does this have to do with--?
Umbridge: So in conclusion, expecting mercy from me is like expecting the tide not to come in! Death shall be the price for your liberty from our awful, racist ways!
Harry: How dare this awful, awful monster act like Sirius’s locket had ever belonged to her! Stupefy! [Stuns Umbridge] Stupefy to you too! [Stuns Yaxley] Now, Hermione, let’s get out of here!
Hermione: And the muggleborns?
Harry: Oh, yeah. Expecto patronum!
[Harry’s Patronus holds the Dementors at bay]
Harry: Now…grab the locket!
Hermione: Right! [Hermione grabs the locket and duplicates it]
Harry: Hermione, I just realized Mrs. Cattermole is wearing chains.
Hermione: Leave that to me! Relashio! [Frees Mary Cattermole]
Mary Cattermole: What’s going on?! Runcorn, aren’t you a Death Eater?!
Harry: I’m…ah…being possessed by the Chosen One and he’s forcing me to be good for a change! Now let’s go!
[They run out the door]
Hermione: Expecto patronum!
[Hermione’s Patronus joins Harry’s in helping to keep the Dementors at bay]
Muggleborns: What is all this?!
Harry: I’m the disembodied voice you heard, come to save you!
Muggleborns: Oh, well—as long as it gets us out of here!
[They all run for the exits, Harry and Hermione in tow. Soon Ron catches up to them]
Mary Cattermole: Oh, there you are, Reg! I was hoping you’d show up!
Ron: There must be a mistake—I’m not your husband.
[They make it out to the atrium…]
Harry: Alright, listen up, all of you! You are now under official orders to let the muggleborns escape!
Old wizard: What?! But that completely contradicts everything we’ve been told before!
Harry: Orders from the top, dammit!
[The old wizard has no choice but to comply]
[But just then, Yaxley catches up!]
Yaxley: What the fuck is the meaning of all this?!
Harry: Oh, I’ve decided that the muggleborns should be allowed to escape after all.
Yaxley: You can’t do that!
Harry: I just did.
Yaxley: Damn you! I’ll have you arrested and burned to death right along with the mudbloods!
Harry: I’ll make it worth your while to look the other way.
Yaxley: Dream on!
Harry: We can have a drink of that lovely East Anglian cider that comes out of that drinking fountain! That old hag Umbridge doesn’t need to know about it!
Yaxley: Keep talking.
[Just then, Reg Cattermole appears!]
Reg Cattermole: My wife!
Mary Cattermole: Husband?!
Ron: Off you two get now! [Shoves both of them into the fireplace]
Harry: Oops! Well, it’s time for us to get going!
[Harry grabs Ron and Hermione and they all disapparate, with Yaxley hot on their heels!]
Yaxley: Wait! What about the ciiiiiiiiideeeeeeeeeer?!
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no subject
Date: 2015-07-17 08:30 pm (UTC)Because remember what Sirius told Harry, how the world wasn’t divided into good people and Death Eaters? Well, scratch that, now Umbridge is working for Voldemort now.
no subject
Date: 2015-07-23 02:54 am (UTC)Why is Mr. Weasley (Dumbledore supporter, father of the boy who lives best friend) able to go to work in the DE controlled ministry and just go on like any other employee?