Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 14

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[They crash-land in the middle of a forest]

Ron: AAAAAGH! HELP ME! I’M DYING!

Harry: You’re dying?! Oh, no! Whatever happened?!

Ron: I splinched.

[Sure enough, a chunk has been taken out of Ron’s arm]

Harry: Splinched?! But last book the instructor made it seem like splinching was no big deal!

Hermione: I know, it’s very strange. Oh, well. Harry, get me some dittany!

[Harry does thus]

[Hermione patches up Ron using dittany]

Harry: But…where are we, Hermione? Why aren’t we at Gimmauld Place?

Hermione: Well, Yaxley was pursuing us, see, and I couldn’t throw him off until he was most of the way there. I had to go somewhere else.

Harry: Oh, woe is us! Now we can’t have Kreacher’s cooking!

Hermione: Since when did you care so much about Kreacher’s cooking?

Harry: Since he started actually being good at it, obviously. It meant one less thing I needed to worry about!

Hermione: Did you ever worry about that to begin with?

Harry: Well…never mind that. Wanna see something I found? [Pulls out Moody’s eye]

Hermione: Harry! Where on earth did you get that?!

Harry: The evil monster Umbridge had it fixed to her door! Can you believe her?!

Hermione: Unfortunately yes.

Ron: So…how long are we planning to stay here, exactly?

Harry: I don’t know. But we can’t very well move in this state.

Hermione: I think I’ll put some protective charms around us, just to be sure. [Does thus] Harry, be a dear and get our tent.

Harry: Will do! [Summons tent] Wait…didn’t this tent belong to one of Mr. Weasley’s friends?

Hermione: Oh, yeah. That. He’d leant it to Mr. Weasley since he didn’t need it any more.

Harry: And he was okay with you using it?

Hermione: I didn’t tell him I was borrowing it.

[Hermione magically sets up the tent.]

Ron: Oh, by the way, it’s come to by attention that You-Know-Who’s name is cursed. So don’t say it anymore, alright?

Harry: Cursed? Are you sure about this?

Ron: Well…not sure. But I have a really, really strong feeling, alright.

Hermione: So the entire lesson about how fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself?

Harry: Gone.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: [Exasperated sigh]

[Harry and Hermione take Ron into the tent and set him up in a bed]

Harry: So, Hermione, did you get the locket?

Hermione: Yes I did! [Pulls out locket] It’s right here!

Harry: Great, great! But…how do we open it?

Hermione: Don’t know.

[They pass the locket around]

Ron: It feels like it’s got a heartbeat!

Harry: It does!

Hermione: Well, what should we do with it now?

Harry: Well, we have to keep it safe. I know! I’ll place it around my neck! [Puts on the locket]

Hermione: Do you really think that’s such a good idea?

Harry: What, is it unmanly for me to wear jewelry?

Hermione: No, that’s not it! But…Harry, don’t you have a bag made of Moke skin? Wouldn’t it be just as safe in that bag as around your neck, if not moreso?!

Harry: What bag?

Hermione: [Facepalm] Never mind. Let’s just keep watch outside the tent. And maybe see about finding some food as well.

[Unfortunately, they can find nothing to eat except wild mushrooms, which taste disgusting.]

[Later that night, Harry sits watch in the dark]

Harry: Oh, this is horrible! There’s so much I don’t understand! Why was I born to die? Why did the Death Eaters have to follow us to Grimmauld Place? What have they done to Kreacher by now? Why is my angel Dumbledore dead when I need him more than ever before?! …Then again, I’m beginning to like feeling this locket on my chest. I can imagine doing it with young, sexy Tom Riddle, at least.

[When Harry falls asleep, he’s transported to Voldemort’s mind again]

Voldemort: I have you now, my pretty Gregorovitch! Now, tell me where I can find the special wand!

Gregorovitch: Which special wand are we talking about?

Voldemort: I don’t know! The specialest, manliest wand that there ever was!

Gregorovitch: Could you be more specific?

Voldemort: More specific?!

Gregorovitch: Aha! You don’t know what wand you’re after, do you?

Voldemort: I do too know!

Gregorovitch: Yet you can’t even ask for it by name?

Voldemort: Well…I…ah…. Let me see your memories!

[Inside Gregorovitch’s memories, Harry sees a man with wild blond hair disappear out Gregorovitch’s window]

Voldemort: Ah! So it was stolen from you!

Gregorovitch: Yes, whatever you say.

Voldemort: By whom?

Gregorovitch: Well…

[But just then, Harry wakes up]

Hermione: Harry, were you looking into You-Know-Who’s mind again?

Harry: Well yes.

Hermione: Harry, this is why you should have learned Occlumency!

Harry: Are you going to be this way every time I have another dream like this?

Hermione: Yes!

Harry: Well, never mind that now. He’s caught up with Gregorovitch, looking for something.

Hermione: That’s nice. I’ve decided to relieve you of your watch now, if you don’t mind terribly.

Harry: Fine, fine. [Disappears into the tent] It’s very strange. I could have sworn I saw the blond thief from Gregorovitch’s memories somewhere before, but I can’t imagine where. Oh, well—a task for later in the story!

Comments

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

How hard would it have been for Ron to have said he came across some evidence—not proof, but an indication—that there was a taboo on Voldemort’s name while he was poking around Yaxley’s office trying to stop the rain? Then we wouldn’t have had Harry stopping his seven-book-long practice of saying Voldy’s name for no better reason than because Ron had a ‘feeling’. When has Harry ever cared that much about Ron’s feelings, anyway? And while Hermione has never liked saying Voldemort’s name (which makes no sense, because she wasn’t raised with wizarding superstitions like Ron was), she’s been making herself say the name since Book Five, and she is not one to change what she has decided is proper behavior when she hasn’t been offered the slightest pretense of logical justification.

[hwyla.livejournal.com]

But that would have made Ron actually look 'useful' and possibly capable. Can't have that!

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

And back in Book One (when Ron actually was useful and capable on occasion), logic and evidence, usually provided by Hermione, were considered good things as well, although even then they took a definite back seat to ‘feelings’. The first few books actually deserved some of their popularity. It’s only looking back now, knowing the disaster that was eventually to ensue, that one wants to nitpick them to pieces.