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deathtocapslock2015-07-14 11:58 pm
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com) wrote in deathtocapslock2015-07-14 11:58 pm
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Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 17
[As Harry and Hermione turn to exit the graveyard, they spy an unknown figure in the distance]
Hermione: This isn’t good.
Harry: We don’t look like ourselves, though. We’ve been Polyjuiced.
Hermione: But we were just visiting your parents’ graves. No, I know this is bad.
[They quickly exit the graveyard, and put the Cloak back on]
Harry: Maybe we should take refuge in the pub, where we can drink away our sorrows?
Hermione: Don’t be stupid. Let’s keep walking….
[It’s not long before they stumble upon the house Harry was born in!]
Harry: Oh, and there’s even a memorial plaque dedicated to me! Oh, my heart is melting in my chest!
Hermione: Harry, look!
[Hermione points to a hooded, bent figure down the road a ways]
Harry: Aha! That woman must be Bathilda Bagshot! She’s come to help us!
Hermione: How do you know this isn’t a trap?
Harry: Because I’m the Chosen One and my instincts are telling me she’s Bathilda Bagshot and she’s come to help us!
[Sure enough, the figure is beckoning them, so they follow her to an ancient house]
Harry: Bathilda Bagshot, did you know your house smells like dead people?
Bathilda Bagshot: [Casts Harry a very dirty look]
[But inside the house, Harry comes upon a photograph of the same blond teenager from earlier]
Harry: Oh, wow! It’s that teenager again! This must be hugely significant. Say, Bathilda Bagshot, do you know who this man is?
Bathilda Bagshot: Come upstaaaaaairssssssssssss.
Harry: Oh, well—let’s go upstairs and see what she has to show us!
Bathilda Bagshot: Not her. Jussssst you.
Harry: Oh, alright, then. Hermione, be a dear and stay behind.
Hermione: But why do you have to go alone?
Harry: Well I am the Chosen One—it stands to reason that I would get audiences with all the most famous and special people.
Hermione: I don’t like this at all.
Harry: Listen, just wait downstairs for me, alright? I know there’s nothing hidden upstairs I can’t handle.
Hermione: Is there any chance at all you’ll change your mind and let me come with you?
Harry: No, not at all!
Hermione: Well, this arc is so dull I’m nearly falling asleep as it is. Fine, go ahead.
[Harry follows Bathilda Bagshot upstairs, but just then, she transforms into Voldemort’s pet snake, Nagini!]
Harry: AAAAAAAAGH!
Nagini: Masssster! Come quickly! I have the boy!
Voldemort: Can’t it wait? I still have half a Motörhead album left!
Nagini: Do you want him to get away?!
Voldemort: Oh, alright. Here I come.
Hermione: Harry, Harry! I’ll save you!
[But just then, Harry disappears into Voldemort’s memories]
Voldemort: Tra la laaa, it’s Halloween night and I am off to kill someone! Oops, did I say that out loud? Oh, well!
Child: Wow, I love your costume!
Voldemort: Ahahahahahaha. Quite right you are, child. My costume. Yes. That’s all my lack of nose and red eyes are, is a costume. Hahaha! Hahahahahahaha!
[Eventually he comes upon a house where parents are entertaining their baby using magical fireworks]
Voldemort: BWAHAHAHAHA! I have you now, my pretties! Tonight you die!
Potter: Holy shit! He doesn’t look friendly!
Voldemort: Avada kedavra!
Potter: AAAAAAGH! [Dies]
Voldemort: [turns to Lily and baby Harry] And now for you! I shall kill you both—well, I might spare you, young lady. If you surrender your child to me. And I feel like it.
Lily: I will never surrender my child to you! Do you hear me?! NEVER!
Voldemort: Oh, well. Avada kedavra!
Lily: AAAAAAAGH! [Dies]
Voldemort: And now to kill the child….
[Voldemort attempts to do so, but it’s at that moment that Harry comes back to himself, screaming in pain]
Hermione: Harry, it’s alright! I’ve saved you! You’ll be alright!
[Sure enough, Harry finds himself back at the tent]
Harry: Am I alive?
Hermione: Yes, you are alive. But I had to pull the Horcrux off your chest, and you had a nasty bite from that snake.
Harry: Eew. That awful snake.
Hermione: Where did that snake come from, anyway?
Harry: I think Bathilda Bagshot was the snake.
Hermione: That’s disgusting.
Harry: Say, my groin feels like it’s gone numb.
Hermione: Oh, that. See, while I was rescuing you I snapped your wand in two by accident. [Displays Harry’s broken wand]
Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible! My virility, gone! [Sobs]
Hermione: Don’t worry—I know we’ll find a solution at some point!
Harry: Well…until then, I suppose I’ll have to demean myself by borrowing your wand.
Hermione: If you must.
Hermione: This isn’t good.
Harry: We don’t look like ourselves, though. We’ve been Polyjuiced.
Hermione: But we were just visiting your parents’ graves. No, I know this is bad.
[They quickly exit the graveyard, and put the Cloak back on]
Harry: Maybe we should take refuge in the pub, where we can drink away our sorrows?
Hermione: Don’t be stupid. Let’s keep walking….
[It’s not long before they stumble upon the house Harry was born in!]
Harry: Oh, and there’s even a memorial plaque dedicated to me! Oh, my heart is melting in my chest!
Hermione: Harry, look!
[Hermione points to a hooded, bent figure down the road a ways]
Harry: Aha! That woman must be Bathilda Bagshot! She’s come to help us!
Hermione: How do you know this isn’t a trap?
Harry: Because I’m the Chosen One and my instincts are telling me she’s Bathilda Bagshot and she’s come to help us!
[Sure enough, the figure is beckoning them, so they follow her to an ancient house]
Harry: Bathilda Bagshot, did you know your house smells like dead people?
Bathilda Bagshot: [Casts Harry a very dirty look]
[But inside the house, Harry comes upon a photograph of the same blond teenager from earlier]
Harry: Oh, wow! It’s that teenager again! This must be hugely significant. Say, Bathilda Bagshot, do you know who this man is?
Bathilda Bagshot: Come upstaaaaaairssssssssssss.
Harry: Oh, well—let’s go upstairs and see what she has to show us!
Bathilda Bagshot: Not her. Jussssst you.
Harry: Oh, alright, then. Hermione, be a dear and stay behind.
Hermione: But why do you have to go alone?
Harry: Well I am the Chosen One—it stands to reason that I would get audiences with all the most famous and special people.
Hermione: I don’t like this at all.
Harry: Listen, just wait downstairs for me, alright? I know there’s nothing hidden upstairs I can’t handle.
Hermione: Is there any chance at all you’ll change your mind and let me come with you?
Harry: No, not at all!
Hermione: Well, this arc is so dull I’m nearly falling asleep as it is. Fine, go ahead.
[Harry follows Bathilda Bagshot upstairs, but just then, she transforms into Voldemort’s pet snake, Nagini!]
Harry: AAAAAAAAGH!
Nagini: Masssster! Come quickly! I have the boy!
Voldemort: Can’t it wait? I still have half a Motörhead album left!
Nagini: Do you want him to get away?!
Voldemort: Oh, alright. Here I come.
Hermione: Harry, Harry! I’ll save you!
[But just then, Harry disappears into Voldemort’s memories]
Voldemort: Tra la laaa, it’s Halloween night and I am off to kill someone! Oops, did I say that out loud? Oh, well!
Child: Wow, I love your costume!
Voldemort: Ahahahahahaha. Quite right you are, child. My costume. Yes. That’s all my lack of nose and red eyes are, is a costume. Hahaha! Hahahahahahaha!
[Eventually he comes upon a house where parents are entertaining their baby using magical fireworks]
Voldemort: BWAHAHAHAHA! I have you now, my pretties! Tonight you die!
Potter: Holy shit! He doesn’t look friendly!
Voldemort: Avada kedavra!
Potter: AAAAAAGH! [Dies]
Voldemort: [turns to Lily and baby Harry] And now for you! I shall kill you both—well, I might spare you, young lady. If you surrender your child to me. And I feel like it.
Lily: I will never surrender my child to you! Do you hear me?! NEVER!
Voldemort: Oh, well. Avada kedavra!
Lily: AAAAAAAGH! [Dies]
Voldemort: And now to kill the child….
[Voldemort attempts to do so, but it’s at that moment that Harry comes back to himself, screaming in pain]
Hermione: Harry, it’s alright! I’ve saved you! You’ll be alright!
[Sure enough, Harry finds himself back at the tent]
Harry: Am I alive?
Hermione: Yes, you are alive. But I had to pull the Horcrux off your chest, and you had a nasty bite from that snake.
Harry: Eew. That awful snake.
Hermione: Where did that snake come from, anyway?
Harry: I think Bathilda Bagshot was the snake.
Hermione: That’s disgusting.
Harry: Say, my groin feels like it’s gone numb.
Hermione: Oh, that. See, while I was rescuing you I snapped your wand in two by accident. [Displays Harry’s broken wand]
Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible! My virility, gone! [Sobs]
Hermione: Don’t worry—I know we’ll find a solution at some point!
Harry: Well…until then, I suppose I’ll have to demean myself by borrowing your wand.
Hermione: If you must.
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Hermione: And why aren’t I mentioning the fact that this woman is hissing?
/Potter: AAAAAAGH! [Dies]/
Just curious, why is James Potter referred to as “Potter” instead of “James?”
/Lily: I will never surrender my child to you! Do you hear me?! NEVER!/
Is it sad that Lily comes off as slightly more dignified in this exchange in your abridged parody than in the actual book?
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Mostly just to keep it consistent with what I do for Lupin and Snape. I use Sirius' and Lily's first names to avoid confusion.
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And Naigini is present for both cases. Not sure what to make of Bagshot/Burbage. One has Naigini inside her and the other ends up inside Naigini.
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Given that a Witch without a wand is helpless it makes sense.
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