Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 20
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deathtocapslock[One day, as Harry and Ron are out exploring the countryside…]
Ron: So, you know how we’re not supposed to say You-Know-Who’s name anymore?
Harry: Yeah?
Ron: As it turns out, there’s a trace on his name. Anyone who says it is vulnerable to being apprehended by Snatchers.
Harry: Fuck. Now saying his name is actually unlucky?
Ron: So it would appear.
Harry: By the way, do you ever wonder just who sent us that doe?
Ron: You do have quite a good point there. Could it have been…Dumbledore, perhaps?
Harry: But Dumbledore’s dead. And anyway, even if he were alive, why would he have such a limp-dicked Patronus?
Ron: You have a good point.
Harry: Speaking of, have you read Rita Skeeter’s new book yet?
Ron: I’ve looked at it. Nobody’s really paying much attention to Dumbledore—they’ve got their hands full enough with Voldemort. I’ve heard his ass is practically glued to a throne somewhere, and no matter how hard they try they can’t get him to move off it. That’s just a rumor, of course.
Harry: But what on earth could be more important than discussing Dumbledore, my precious angel, the light of my life?
Ron: Well….
Harry: Take that back or I’ll expand this here spider…who’s somehow survived the cold winter…!
Ron: Fine, fine! Dumbledore is more important than anything and everything else!
Harry: Excellent, my pet.
[Later, back at the tent…]
Ron: So, did you know Lee Jordan’s running a radio show? He’s spreading the truth about You-Know-Who and the war effort!
Hermione: That’s all well and good, but before we get to that, I want to see Xenophilius Lovegood!
Harry: But why on earth would you want to see Luna Lovegood’s stupid hipster father?
Hermione: Well, you know that weird symbol that appeared both on Lovegood’s clothing and the Beedle the Bard book?
Harry and Ron: Go on….
Hermione: It also appears in Rita Skeeter’s book! Dumbledore used to sign his name with it!
Harry and Ron: Go on….
Hermione: So in conclusion, the closest thing we have to a lead is Lovegood himself!
Harry and Ron: [Groan]
[So they apparate a little ways upwind of the Burrow]
Ron: Oh, I miss my old home.
Harry: And I miss my Ginny! She’s so hot and sexy and wonderful! I could just eat her up and spit her back out and swallow her with my asshole and--!
Ron: Harry! That’s way too much information! [Smacks Harry]
Hermione: You didn’t go back to the Burrow after you left us?
Ron: No. I couldn’t face my family and tell them I’d run out on the Chosen One. They’d have my head. I went to Bill and Fleur’s home instead.
Hermione: Well, this doesn’t appear to be Lovegood’s home. Let’s try somewhere else.
[They apparate a little farther away, and find the tower where Lovegood lives]
Hermione: Is this going to be like in Rapunzel? Do we have to ask Luna to let down her hair?
Harry: I don’t think Luna’s hair is that long.
[They go inside the gate, where they’re received by Lovegood]
Lovegood: Oh, it’s you three. Come inside, I’ve been expecting you.
[They follow Lovegood inside]
Hermione: Mr. Lovegood, Mr. Lovegood!
Lovegood: Yes, what is it?
Hermione: Why do you have an Erumpent horn hanging on your wall?
Lovegood: That’s not an Erumpent horn. It belongs to a Crumple-horned Snorkack.
Hermione: No, no! I read all about Erumpents in Fantastic Beasts and I can tell you with certainty, that’s an Erumpent horn!
Lovegood: There isn’t that much information on the horn in Fantastic Beasts.
Hermione: I learned about the horn through other means, then! That’s an Erumpent horn, I tell you! You shouldn’t be keeping it in a house!
Lovegood: Do I have to throw you out of my home?
Hermione: No….
Harry: We just want a bit of help.
Lovegood: What kind of help?
Harry: Super plot-important help!
Lovegood: I’d rather not get involved with super important plots if it’s not too much to ask.
Ron: You disgusting coward!
Harry and Hermione: [Gasp]
Ron: Your daughter is so much better than you’ll ever be!
Lovegood: Nobody asked you!
Hermione: Speaking of, where is Luna?
Lovegood: Oh…she’s…ah…catching Plimpies to make soup with!
[They walk through the house until they come upon a strange statue]
Harry: Look at this! It’s a witch wearing a very strange-looking crown.
Lovegood: You like it? It’s a reconstruction of Rowena Ravenclaw, complete with a diadem!
Harry: Ooh! Is the diadem important?
Lovegood: Well it’s only the most treasured artifact of Ravenclaw’s.
Harry: So…important, in other words.
Lovegood: I’ll fix you something to drink, and then we can talk.
[In due time, Lovegood comes back with tea that looks and tastes disgusting]
Lovegood: So, what exactly are you looking for information about?
Harry: I want to know about this symbol. [Indicates symbol in the book]
Lovegood: Oh, that symbol! Why, it’s the symbol of the Deathly Hallows.
Harry: The Deathly Hallows?
Lovegood: Yes, quite.
Harry: And what are those?
Lovegood: Well you see—wait, is that the end of the chapter? That’s all I have time for in this chapter?! Aww, and just when things were getting good!
Ron: So, you know how we’re not supposed to say You-Know-Who’s name anymore?
Harry: Yeah?
Ron: As it turns out, there’s a trace on his name. Anyone who says it is vulnerable to being apprehended by Snatchers.
Harry: Fuck. Now saying his name is actually unlucky?
Ron: So it would appear.
Harry: By the way, do you ever wonder just who sent us that doe?
Ron: You do have quite a good point there. Could it have been…Dumbledore, perhaps?
Harry: But Dumbledore’s dead. And anyway, even if he were alive, why would he have such a limp-dicked Patronus?
Ron: You have a good point.
Harry: Speaking of, have you read Rita Skeeter’s new book yet?
Ron: I’ve looked at it. Nobody’s really paying much attention to Dumbledore—they’ve got their hands full enough with Voldemort. I’ve heard his ass is practically glued to a throne somewhere, and no matter how hard they try they can’t get him to move off it. That’s just a rumor, of course.
Harry: But what on earth could be more important than discussing Dumbledore, my precious angel, the light of my life?
Ron: Well….
Harry: Take that back or I’ll expand this here spider…who’s somehow survived the cold winter…!
Ron: Fine, fine! Dumbledore is more important than anything and everything else!
Harry: Excellent, my pet.
[Later, back at the tent…]
Ron: So, did you know Lee Jordan’s running a radio show? He’s spreading the truth about You-Know-Who and the war effort!
Hermione: That’s all well and good, but before we get to that, I want to see Xenophilius Lovegood!
Harry: But why on earth would you want to see Luna Lovegood’s stupid hipster father?
Hermione: Well, you know that weird symbol that appeared both on Lovegood’s clothing and the Beedle the Bard book?
Harry and Ron: Go on….
Hermione: It also appears in Rita Skeeter’s book! Dumbledore used to sign his name with it!
Harry and Ron: Go on….
Hermione: So in conclusion, the closest thing we have to a lead is Lovegood himself!
Harry and Ron: [Groan]
[So they apparate a little ways upwind of the Burrow]
Ron: Oh, I miss my old home.
Harry: And I miss my Ginny! She’s so hot and sexy and wonderful! I could just eat her up and spit her back out and swallow her with my asshole and--!
Ron: Harry! That’s way too much information! [Smacks Harry]
Hermione: You didn’t go back to the Burrow after you left us?
Ron: No. I couldn’t face my family and tell them I’d run out on the Chosen One. They’d have my head. I went to Bill and Fleur’s home instead.
Hermione: Well, this doesn’t appear to be Lovegood’s home. Let’s try somewhere else.
[They apparate a little farther away, and find the tower where Lovegood lives]
Hermione: Is this going to be like in Rapunzel? Do we have to ask Luna to let down her hair?
Harry: I don’t think Luna’s hair is that long.
[They go inside the gate, where they’re received by Lovegood]
Lovegood: Oh, it’s you three. Come inside, I’ve been expecting you.
[They follow Lovegood inside]
Hermione: Mr. Lovegood, Mr. Lovegood!
Lovegood: Yes, what is it?
Hermione: Why do you have an Erumpent horn hanging on your wall?
Lovegood: That’s not an Erumpent horn. It belongs to a Crumple-horned Snorkack.
Hermione: No, no! I read all about Erumpents in Fantastic Beasts and I can tell you with certainty, that’s an Erumpent horn!
Lovegood: There isn’t that much information on the horn in Fantastic Beasts.
Hermione: I learned about the horn through other means, then! That’s an Erumpent horn, I tell you! You shouldn’t be keeping it in a house!
Lovegood: Do I have to throw you out of my home?
Hermione: No….
Harry: We just want a bit of help.
Lovegood: What kind of help?
Harry: Super plot-important help!
Lovegood: I’d rather not get involved with super important plots if it’s not too much to ask.
Ron: You disgusting coward!
Harry and Hermione: [Gasp]
Ron: Your daughter is so much better than you’ll ever be!
Lovegood: Nobody asked you!
Hermione: Speaking of, where is Luna?
Lovegood: Oh…she’s…ah…catching Plimpies to make soup with!
[They walk through the house until they come upon a strange statue]
Harry: Look at this! It’s a witch wearing a very strange-looking crown.
Lovegood: You like it? It’s a reconstruction of Rowena Ravenclaw, complete with a diadem!
Harry: Ooh! Is the diadem important?
Lovegood: Well it’s only the most treasured artifact of Ravenclaw’s.
Harry: So…important, in other words.
Lovegood: I’ll fix you something to drink, and then we can talk.
[In due time, Lovegood comes back with tea that looks and tastes disgusting]
Lovegood: So, what exactly are you looking for information about?
Harry: I want to know about this symbol. [Indicates symbol in the book]
Lovegood: Oh, that symbol! Why, it’s the symbol of the Deathly Hallows.
Harry: The Deathly Hallows?
Lovegood: Yes, quite.
Harry: And what are those?
Lovegood: Well you see—wait, is that the end of the chapter? That’s all I have time for in this chapter?! Aww, and just when things were getting good!
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