Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 24
Aug. 4th, 2015 12:34 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockHey, it's my birthday! Have another one of these!
Harry: I can’t believe this! Poor innocent Dobby is dead! Dead! Permanently dead! [Sobs]
[Bill, Fleur, Dean, and Luna come to comfort him]
Bill: Are you alright?
Harry: Oh, I’m alright except for how my HOUSE ELF FRIEND IS DEAD! [Sobs] By the way, where’s Hermione?
Bill: Don’t worry—she’s safe inside.
Harry: Oh, good. Then let’s bury Dobby! By hand!
[Harry receives a spade, and begins to dig a grave]
Harry: I’ve realized that I can’t enter Voldemort’s mind in this state. Does getting close to Death set me free? Or is it just grief?
[After a time, Ron and Dean come to help]
Harry: Oh, good! Now we can all pay our respects to beloved Dobby together!
[In due time, the grave is prepared]
Luna: Here, I’ll close his eyes.
[Luna does so, and then Dobby is laid in the grave]
Harry: Oh, Dobby. You were truly a worthwhile addition to the cast. The rest of this final book will be so much duller without your annoying habits and tendency to solve my problems for me, when you didn’t just create new ones.
Ron, Dean, and Luna: Amen!
[They cover Dobby with earth. Then, everyone but Harry turns to go back inside]
Harry: He should at least have a gravestone.
[So Harry places a random garden rock over the grave, and etches Dobby’s name into it]
Harry: There we are. It’s not really a fitting burial for a friend of the Chosen One, but I’m working with limited resources here.
[He then goes back inside, where Bill is talking about matters]
Bill: So, anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that my family is safe at Auntie Muriel’s right about now, and they’re protected by Fidelius. Thus, none of us will die unless it’s in the appropriately dramatic fashion.
Harry: Thank goodness for that! I’d hate to have my favorite family killed for their association with me, the Chosen One!
Fleur: Er…how often does he mention that he’s the Chosen One?
Ron: Truthfully he never fucking shuts up about it.
Harry: You know you love me.
Bill: Anyway, we were just talking about moving Griphook to a place where he won’t trouble your delicate sensibilities—
Harry: Actually…I need to talk to him just as soon as I’m cleaned up!
Bill: Well, suit yourself.
[As Harry goes to clean himself up, he gets lost in thought]
Harry: But how did Dobby know where to find me? Was it my angel Dumbledore, sending him a message from beyond the grave? No, that’s absurd. Dumbledore’s dead, and once one has succumbed to Death, our lord and master, that’s the end of the line. Unless…he did know about the Deluminator…so maybe…. [Pause] Oh, well—it’ll come to me later!
[So Harry goes with Ron and Hermione to visit Griphook in bed]
Harry: So, Griphook, do you remember me from the first book?
Griphook: Of course I do. You’re all the wizards ever want to talk about.
Harry: Come now, I didn’t ask to be the Chosen One.
Griphook: Yes, yes, I know all about that.
Harry: So, seeing as I’m so kind and generous as to rescue you from those awful genocidal racists that are the Malfoys, as opposed to just leaving a lesser being like you to your fate, the way most wizards would have, I was wondering if you could help me.
Griphook: [Facepalm] Of course. Let’s just get this over with.
Harry: See…I want to break into the Lestranges’ vault to take something from them.
Griphook: [Stunned] What?!
Harry: You heard me.
Griphook: Then you must have a death wish. Sorry, I can’t help you.
Harry: But…it’s not like I’m out for personal gain! I just want to get something that will help me defeat You-Know-Who!
Griphook: Well, if it means putting a stop to You-Know-Who, he who has the tendency to treat us like vermin….
Hermione: Exactly! And we empathize completely, because I’m treated like vermin too for being a mudblood!
Ron: You would call yourself a mudblood?
Hermione: Well, I am one, aren’t I? I’ve got m-word privileges!
Griphook: If it’s the sword you’re after, though, you have the real one with you right now.
Harry: Yes, but we think that there are other things that could be just as good!
Griphook: You do realize it’s against my religion to speak about what’s inside the place I’m assigned to guard.
Harry: But for the Chosen One’s benefit--!
Griphook: Give me time to think about it, and I’ll decide what to do.
Harry: Fine, if you must keep the Chosen One waiting. Better late than never, I always say!
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione leave Griphook alone]
Hermione: So you think there might be a Horcrux in the Lestranges’ vault?
Harry: I guarantee there’s a Horcrux in the Lestranges’ vault!
[They then go to speak to Ollivander]
Harry: So, first thing’s first: my wand is broken in half. [Produces broken wand] Can you fix it?
Ollivander: Nope, sorry.
Harry: But my wand! The symbol of my manhood! [Whimpers]
Ollivander: You can, however, use any wand that you’ve kinda sorta maybe taken from anyone at any point in any way. Because you’re the Chosen One.
Harry: In that case, why don’t you inspect these? [Pulls out the two extra wands]
Ollivander: Hmm…. Well, one of them is walnut and dragon heartstring, and belonged to Bellatrix Lestrange. The other is hawthorn and Unicorn hair, and belonged to Draco Malfoy.
Harry: And I can use either of these wands as much as I want?
Ollivander: Well, according to some, wands are extremely fickle things that will serve anyone strong enough to take them. However, this theory is untested. If anyone could take control of another’s wand, it would be you, Chosen One.
Ron: What about this one? [Draws Wormtail’s wand]
Ollivander: That was one I made for Peter Pettigrew out of chestnut and dragon heartstring.
Ron: And can I use it?
Ollivander: Well, you aren’t the Chosen One, so I’m less certain about you—but it couldn’t hurt to try, I suppose.
Harry: But, since we’re on this topic, are there any wands that have to exchange hands by murder?
Ollivander: Well…none of them “have” to, per se, or at least, there’s no evidence that they have to—but, there is one wand that’s notorious for it, and that’s the Elder Wand.
Harry: Aaah, the Elder Wand. Tell me, was You-Know-Who after that wand? Is that why he kidnapped you?
Ollivander: Now that you mention it, it was. I don’t think he knows exactly what it can do, though. He only wanted it because it doesn’t have a magical connection to your wand.
Harry: Well, he was never the brightest star in the sky. One last thing: Do you know anything about the Deathly Hallows?
Ollivander: Nope, not a single thing. Sorry.
Harry: Oh, well. Your assistance is no longer required. I’ll let you go and you need never show your face in this series again.
Ollivander: Wait! Aren’t you at least going to ask me how I’m feeling--?
[But Harry, Ron, and Hermione leave without another word]
Harry: So here’s what we know about the Elder Wand thus far: it used to be in Gregorovitch’s possession, but Grindlewald stole it some time ago. Then Dumbledore dueled him and took the Elder Wand for himself.
Ron: Dumbledore had the Elder Wand?! Wow, Dumbledore was a badass to end all badasses!
Harry: [Adoringly] That he was.
Ron: So…that means we can still get it, right? We can just go over to Dumbledore’s tomb and take it before You-Know-Who does--!
Harry: No, no. I’m quite sure You-Know-Who has found it by now, and even if he hasn’t, we can’t just ditch our quest to go looking for the Elder Wand.
Hermione: That’s what I’ve been saying all along!
Ron: Are you sure you want to risk it falling into You-Know-Who’s hands?
Harry: It’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be. I know we’ll find a way to get it eventually. I’m the Chosen One, I have the power to defeat the Dark Lord!
[Just then, Harry disappears into Voldemort’s mind again. He’s reached Dumbledore’s tomb]
Voldemort: Alright, Elder Wand! I know you’re in here! [Blasts the tomb open with his wand] Aha! Doubtless you’ll be right in Dumbledore’s cold, dead clutches! [Sure enough, when he unravels the shroud, the wand is there] I’ll just help myself to this wand, if you don’t mind, Headmaster.
[He takes the wand and runs outside]
Voldemort: And now, all the power is miiiiiiine! All of it! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [gasp] AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [gasp] AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[But just then, there’s an eerie sound from the tomb…]
Tomb: IIIIIIIIIII think I feel a looooooooooong speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech coming oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!
Voldemort: AAAAAGH! [Runs away]
Harry: I can’t believe this! Poor innocent Dobby is dead! Dead! Permanently dead! [Sobs]
[Bill, Fleur, Dean, and Luna come to comfort him]
Bill: Are you alright?
Harry: Oh, I’m alright except for how my HOUSE ELF FRIEND IS DEAD! [Sobs] By the way, where’s Hermione?
Bill: Don’t worry—she’s safe inside.
Harry: Oh, good. Then let’s bury Dobby! By hand!
[Harry receives a spade, and begins to dig a grave]
Harry: I’ve realized that I can’t enter Voldemort’s mind in this state. Does getting close to Death set me free? Or is it just grief?
[After a time, Ron and Dean come to help]
Harry: Oh, good! Now we can all pay our respects to beloved Dobby together!
[In due time, the grave is prepared]
Luna: Here, I’ll close his eyes.
[Luna does so, and then Dobby is laid in the grave]
Harry: Oh, Dobby. You were truly a worthwhile addition to the cast. The rest of this final book will be so much duller without your annoying habits and tendency to solve my problems for me, when you didn’t just create new ones.
Ron, Dean, and Luna: Amen!
[They cover Dobby with earth. Then, everyone but Harry turns to go back inside]
Harry: He should at least have a gravestone.
[So Harry places a random garden rock over the grave, and etches Dobby’s name into it]
Harry: There we are. It’s not really a fitting burial for a friend of the Chosen One, but I’m working with limited resources here.
[He then goes back inside, where Bill is talking about matters]
Bill: So, anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that my family is safe at Auntie Muriel’s right about now, and they’re protected by Fidelius. Thus, none of us will die unless it’s in the appropriately dramatic fashion.
Harry: Thank goodness for that! I’d hate to have my favorite family killed for their association with me, the Chosen One!
Fleur: Er…how often does he mention that he’s the Chosen One?
Ron: Truthfully he never fucking shuts up about it.
Harry: You know you love me.
Bill: Anyway, we were just talking about moving Griphook to a place where he won’t trouble your delicate sensibilities—
Harry: Actually…I need to talk to him just as soon as I’m cleaned up!
Bill: Well, suit yourself.
[As Harry goes to clean himself up, he gets lost in thought]
Harry: But how did Dobby know where to find me? Was it my angel Dumbledore, sending him a message from beyond the grave? No, that’s absurd. Dumbledore’s dead, and once one has succumbed to Death, our lord and master, that’s the end of the line. Unless…he did know about the Deluminator…so maybe…. [Pause] Oh, well—it’ll come to me later!
[So Harry goes with Ron and Hermione to visit Griphook in bed]
Harry: So, Griphook, do you remember me from the first book?
Griphook: Of course I do. You’re all the wizards ever want to talk about.
Harry: Come now, I didn’t ask to be the Chosen One.
Griphook: Yes, yes, I know all about that.
Harry: So, seeing as I’m so kind and generous as to rescue you from those awful genocidal racists that are the Malfoys, as opposed to just leaving a lesser being like you to your fate, the way most wizards would have, I was wondering if you could help me.
Griphook: [Facepalm] Of course. Let’s just get this over with.
Harry: See…I want to break into the Lestranges’ vault to take something from them.
Griphook: [Stunned] What?!
Harry: You heard me.
Griphook: Then you must have a death wish. Sorry, I can’t help you.
Harry: But…it’s not like I’m out for personal gain! I just want to get something that will help me defeat You-Know-Who!
Griphook: Well, if it means putting a stop to You-Know-Who, he who has the tendency to treat us like vermin….
Hermione: Exactly! And we empathize completely, because I’m treated like vermin too for being a mudblood!
Ron: You would call yourself a mudblood?
Hermione: Well, I am one, aren’t I? I’ve got m-word privileges!
Griphook: If it’s the sword you’re after, though, you have the real one with you right now.
Harry: Yes, but we think that there are other things that could be just as good!
Griphook: You do realize it’s against my religion to speak about what’s inside the place I’m assigned to guard.
Harry: But for the Chosen One’s benefit--!
Griphook: Give me time to think about it, and I’ll decide what to do.
Harry: Fine, if you must keep the Chosen One waiting. Better late than never, I always say!
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione leave Griphook alone]
Hermione: So you think there might be a Horcrux in the Lestranges’ vault?
Harry: I guarantee there’s a Horcrux in the Lestranges’ vault!
[They then go to speak to Ollivander]
Harry: So, first thing’s first: my wand is broken in half. [Produces broken wand] Can you fix it?
Ollivander: Nope, sorry.
Harry: But my wand! The symbol of my manhood! [Whimpers]
Ollivander: You can, however, use any wand that you’ve kinda sorta maybe taken from anyone at any point in any way. Because you’re the Chosen One.
Harry: In that case, why don’t you inspect these? [Pulls out the two extra wands]
Ollivander: Hmm…. Well, one of them is walnut and dragon heartstring, and belonged to Bellatrix Lestrange. The other is hawthorn and Unicorn hair, and belonged to Draco Malfoy.
Harry: And I can use either of these wands as much as I want?
Ollivander: Well, according to some, wands are extremely fickle things that will serve anyone strong enough to take them. However, this theory is untested. If anyone could take control of another’s wand, it would be you, Chosen One.
Ron: What about this one? [Draws Wormtail’s wand]
Ollivander: That was one I made for Peter Pettigrew out of chestnut and dragon heartstring.
Ron: And can I use it?
Ollivander: Well, you aren’t the Chosen One, so I’m less certain about you—but it couldn’t hurt to try, I suppose.
Harry: But, since we’re on this topic, are there any wands that have to exchange hands by murder?
Ollivander: Well…none of them “have” to, per se, or at least, there’s no evidence that they have to—but, there is one wand that’s notorious for it, and that’s the Elder Wand.
Harry: Aaah, the Elder Wand. Tell me, was You-Know-Who after that wand? Is that why he kidnapped you?
Ollivander: Now that you mention it, it was. I don’t think he knows exactly what it can do, though. He only wanted it because it doesn’t have a magical connection to your wand.
Harry: Well, he was never the brightest star in the sky. One last thing: Do you know anything about the Deathly Hallows?
Ollivander: Nope, not a single thing. Sorry.
Harry: Oh, well. Your assistance is no longer required. I’ll let you go and you need never show your face in this series again.
Ollivander: Wait! Aren’t you at least going to ask me how I’m feeling--?
[But Harry, Ron, and Hermione leave without another word]
Harry: So here’s what we know about the Elder Wand thus far: it used to be in Gregorovitch’s possession, but Grindlewald stole it some time ago. Then Dumbledore dueled him and took the Elder Wand for himself.
Ron: Dumbledore had the Elder Wand?! Wow, Dumbledore was a badass to end all badasses!
Harry: [Adoringly] That he was.
Ron: So…that means we can still get it, right? We can just go over to Dumbledore’s tomb and take it before You-Know-Who does--!
Harry: No, no. I’m quite sure You-Know-Who has found it by now, and even if he hasn’t, we can’t just ditch our quest to go looking for the Elder Wand.
Hermione: That’s what I’ve been saying all along!
Ron: Are you sure you want to risk it falling into You-Know-Who’s hands?
Harry: It’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be. I know we’ll find a way to get it eventually. I’m the Chosen One, I have the power to defeat the Dark Lord!
[Just then, Harry disappears into Voldemort’s mind again. He’s reached Dumbledore’s tomb]
Voldemort: Alright, Elder Wand! I know you’re in here! [Blasts the tomb open with his wand] Aha! Doubtless you’ll be right in Dumbledore’s cold, dead clutches! [Sure enough, when he unravels the shroud, the wand is there] I’ll just help myself to this wand, if you don’t mind, Headmaster.
[He takes the wand and runs outside]
Voldemort: And now, all the power is miiiiiiine! All of it! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [gasp] AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [gasp] AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[But just then, there’s an eerie sound from the tomb…]
Tomb: IIIIIIIIIII think I feel a looooooooooong speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech coming oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!
Voldemort: AAAAAGH! [Runs away]
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