Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 35
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deathtocapslockMight as well continue this sequence.
Harry: Is that it? Am I dead? Is this the end for me? [Pause] Since I still exist to talk, I suppose not. [Picks himself up] This is odd. [Examines himself] Where did my clothes and glasses go?
[His clothes and glasses reappear in an instant]
Harry: That’s better. Now that I can see properly, I see that this strange new world vaguely resembles King’s Cross Station.
[Suddenly he becomes aware of a crying figure a little ways away that vaguely resembles a naked infant]
Harry: Oh, look. I wonder what this is. Should I touch it? Should I pick it up? [Walks over toward the figure]
Dumbledore: Oh Harry!
Harry: Dumbledore! My angel! [Runs toward Dumbledore with arms outstretched]
Dumbledore: [Blocks Harry with his hand] Don’t even think about it.
Harry: So, anyway, I see a naked, crying child over there. What should I do?
Dumbledore: Nothing in particular. You’re the Chosen One—it’s beneath your dignity to care about something like that. Snape should be coming through here any minute now; he’ll take care of it for you.
Harry: Oh, good. Now I don’t have to worry about anything besides you and me. [Reaches out to caress Dumbledore]
Dumbledore: [Swats him away]
Harry: Aren’t you supposed to be dead?
Dumbledore: Well, yes. However, far be it for me to allow death to prevent my speechifying!
Harry: And…am I dead?
Dumbledore: No, I don’t think you are. You are the main character, after all—if you died permanently this entire story would be for naught.
Harry: But I don’t understand—he fired a killing curse right at my face!
Dumbledore: Ah, but he only succeeded in destroying the fragment of his soul within you. You manage to cling to life, since he’s used your own blood to resurrect himself.
Harry: I don’t understand complex trains of thought like that.
Dumbledore: You don’t have to understand them; you just have to accept them.
Harry: Did you know this would happen if I sacrificed myself?
Dumbledore: Maybe. Maybe not.
Harry: Why did you set me up to die, dammit?!
Dumbledore: It was the easiest way to eliminate Voldemort.
Harry: Why didn’t you come up with some alternate way that didn’t involve my not-dying?! Or at least consider it?!
Dumbledore: I had a headache.
Harry: I ought to have known you’d say that. Is that also the reason why you ran away from your family and dated an evil wizard who wanted to subjugate muggleborns?
Dumbledore: I didn’t date Grindlewald just because I had a headache, thank you very much—I dated him because he was hot!
Harry: That’s beside the point!
Dumbledore: Well, this is awkward.
Harry: Tell me about the Deathly Hallows, then.
Dumbledore: Ah, yes, the Deathly Hallows. I sought to collect them at one point, because in my headache-induced foolishness I thought I could make my life better by becoming master of Death, our lord and master. [Sniff] I don’t want to die. Why can’t I live on?
Harry: But you’re already dead.
Dumbledore: Yes, well…at least I’m not gone completely.
Harry: So is the Cloak really a Hallow?
Dumbledore: I believe so, and I believe the descendants of Ignotus Peverell are its rightful owners. And by “descendants” of course I mean you, o Chosen One.
Harry: I’m a descendant of Ignotus Peverell?!
Dumbledore: Without a doubt. So too, presumably, is Voldemort.
Harry: Wow, I’m descended from greatness!
Dumbledore: Yes. There is literally nothing about you that is not great. [Pause] Oh, but Grindlewald and I, we sought these Hallows for power and glory, which is reprehensible. Only you, Chosen One that you are, are worthy of them.
Harry: Dumbledore, is it true that you neglected your brother and sister?
Dumbledore: Alas and alack, yes, it is true! I neglected them and it was entirely my fault that my sister ended up dead! I was too busy being in love with Grindlewald to have any time for her.
Harry: What exactly happened to her?
Dumbledore: That is none of your business.
Harry: Oh, come on, just tell me a little bit?
Dumbledore: Do you want me to unleash the full tale of my family’s history starting with the birth of my father’s grandfather?
Harry: Well…
Dumbledore: A long time ago, the earth was populated by single-celled organisms, for whom oxygen was a deadly toxin--
Harry: On second thought, no.
Dumbledore: I will say that it took me for, like, ever to defeat Grindlewald, even after I knew he was making trouble and getting scores of innocents killed, because I couldn’t forget my love for him and couldn’t face the fact that he’d forced me to murder my own sister—I mean, leave my family in ruins….
Harry: Wow, that’s really terrible. Oh, well—you were nice to me so all is forgiven! [Pause] Do you think the Hallows ever held any significance for Voldemort?
Dumbledore: Let me put it this way: would you have known about the Hallows had Hermione and I not provided you with information about them, however circuitous?
Harry: No….
Dumbledore: Exactly. Remember that Voldemort is not smarter than you.
Harry: True, true. Well, I suppose I should go back and finish the series, then.
Dumbledore: You know, you do have the option of taking a train out of here.
Harry: To the other side? To a place of immortality and eternal youth, where I will see the truth of the world?
Dumbledore: Who can say?
Harry: Well, not that this isn’t fascinating, but…I must return! For Hogwarts! For the resolution of this plot! For great justice! For the defeat of the stupidest Dark Lord in the history of stupid Dark Lords!
Dumbledore: Alright, alright, you’ve made your point! Go now—I’m starting to get a headache!
Harry: Is that it? Am I dead? Is this the end for me? [Pause] Since I still exist to talk, I suppose not. [Picks himself up] This is odd. [Examines himself] Where did my clothes and glasses go?
[His clothes and glasses reappear in an instant]
Harry: That’s better. Now that I can see properly, I see that this strange new world vaguely resembles King’s Cross Station.
[Suddenly he becomes aware of a crying figure a little ways away that vaguely resembles a naked infant]
Harry: Oh, look. I wonder what this is. Should I touch it? Should I pick it up? [Walks over toward the figure]
Dumbledore: Oh Harry!
Harry: Dumbledore! My angel! [Runs toward Dumbledore with arms outstretched]
Dumbledore: [Blocks Harry with his hand] Don’t even think about it.
Harry: So, anyway, I see a naked, crying child over there. What should I do?
Dumbledore: Nothing in particular. You’re the Chosen One—it’s beneath your dignity to care about something like that. Snape should be coming through here any minute now; he’ll take care of it for you.
Harry: Oh, good. Now I don’t have to worry about anything besides you and me. [Reaches out to caress Dumbledore]
Dumbledore: [Swats him away]
Harry: Aren’t you supposed to be dead?
Dumbledore: Well, yes. However, far be it for me to allow death to prevent my speechifying!
Harry: And…am I dead?
Dumbledore: No, I don’t think you are. You are the main character, after all—if you died permanently this entire story would be for naught.
Harry: But I don’t understand—he fired a killing curse right at my face!
Dumbledore: Ah, but he only succeeded in destroying the fragment of his soul within you. You manage to cling to life, since he’s used your own blood to resurrect himself.
Harry: I don’t understand complex trains of thought like that.
Dumbledore: You don’t have to understand them; you just have to accept them.
Harry: Did you know this would happen if I sacrificed myself?
Dumbledore: Maybe. Maybe not.
Harry: Why did you set me up to die, dammit?!
Dumbledore: It was the easiest way to eliminate Voldemort.
Harry: Why didn’t you come up with some alternate way that didn’t involve my not-dying?! Or at least consider it?!
Dumbledore: I had a headache.
Harry: I ought to have known you’d say that. Is that also the reason why you ran away from your family and dated an evil wizard who wanted to subjugate muggleborns?
Dumbledore: I didn’t date Grindlewald just because I had a headache, thank you very much—I dated him because he was hot!
Harry: That’s beside the point!
Dumbledore: Well, this is awkward.
Harry: Tell me about the Deathly Hallows, then.
Dumbledore: Ah, yes, the Deathly Hallows. I sought to collect them at one point, because in my headache-induced foolishness I thought I could make my life better by becoming master of Death, our lord and master. [Sniff] I don’t want to die. Why can’t I live on?
Harry: But you’re already dead.
Dumbledore: Yes, well…at least I’m not gone completely.
Harry: So is the Cloak really a Hallow?
Dumbledore: I believe so, and I believe the descendants of Ignotus Peverell are its rightful owners. And by “descendants” of course I mean you, o Chosen One.
Harry: I’m a descendant of Ignotus Peverell?!
Dumbledore: Without a doubt. So too, presumably, is Voldemort.
Harry: Wow, I’m descended from greatness!
Dumbledore: Yes. There is literally nothing about you that is not great. [Pause] Oh, but Grindlewald and I, we sought these Hallows for power and glory, which is reprehensible. Only you, Chosen One that you are, are worthy of them.
Harry: Dumbledore, is it true that you neglected your brother and sister?
Dumbledore: Alas and alack, yes, it is true! I neglected them and it was entirely my fault that my sister ended up dead! I was too busy being in love with Grindlewald to have any time for her.
Harry: What exactly happened to her?
Dumbledore: That is none of your business.
Harry: Oh, come on, just tell me a little bit?
Dumbledore: Do you want me to unleash the full tale of my family’s history starting with the birth of my father’s grandfather?
Harry: Well…
Dumbledore: A long time ago, the earth was populated by single-celled organisms, for whom oxygen was a deadly toxin--
Harry: On second thought, no.
Dumbledore: I will say that it took me for, like, ever to defeat Grindlewald, even after I knew he was making trouble and getting scores of innocents killed, because I couldn’t forget my love for him and couldn’t face the fact that he’d forced me to murder my own sister—I mean, leave my family in ruins….
Harry: Wow, that’s really terrible. Oh, well—you were nice to me so all is forgiven! [Pause] Do you think the Hallows ever held any significance for Voldemort?
Dumbledore: Let me put it this way: would you have known about the Hallows had Hermione and I not provided you with information about them, however circuitous?
Harry: No….
Dumbledore: Exactly. Remember that Voldemort is not smarter than you.
Harry: True, true. Well, I suppose I should go back and finish the series, then.
Dumbledore: You know, you do have the option of taking a train out of here.
Harry: To the other side? To a place of immortality and eternal youth, where I will see the truth of the world?
Dumbledore: Who can say?
Harry: Well, not that this isn’t fascinating, but…I must return! For Hogwarts! For the resolution of this plot! For great justice! For the defeat of the stupidest Dark Lord in the history of stupid Dark Lords!
Dumbledore: Alright, alright, you’ve made your point! Go now—I’m starting to get a headache!
Tags:
- abridged,
- abridged: dh,
- albus dumbledore,
- author: sweettalkeress,
- broken aesop,
- dark lords,
- dark magic,
- devices,
- dh,
- double standards,
- family,
- favoritism,
- hallows,
- harrycrux,
- humor,
- immortality,
- invisibility cloak,
- it's okay if a gryffindor does it,
- knave or fool,
- likely stories,
- magical artifacts,
- manipulation,
- morality,
- questions,
- sacrifice,
- secrets and lies
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Date: 2015-09-04 07:47 pm (UTC)I liked a fan story where Snape picks up the baby. DD ask what are you doing. Snape's reply is "What I always do, the dirty work you won't."