GoF Chapter Thirty-Four

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*Harry might have run, but damn that injured leg! Looks like he’ll have to kick arse instead. Could not be manlier.

*Embarrassing as it sounds, I’m quite proud of the Death Eaters for closing their circle to get rid of the gaps. I would not have trusted these guys to do that.

*Harry’s remembering that former life again, when people cared about silly things like dueling clubs and lunch and homework and all that stuff you ordinary kids should be ashamed of yourselves for thinking about when Harry is dealing with real problems like facing certain death. You’re thinking about them right now, aren’t you? Damn cake-eaters!

*I wonder if Harry could have bought time by telling Voldemort he didn’t know how to duel and could he, the greatest Wizard ever, please teach him sir. I can’t believe Voldemort would pass up the chance to teach him. ("I wanted to teach DADA, but Dumbledore thwarted my plans and nobody cared!")

*Bow to death, Harry. And the DEs dutifully laugh. Good one Voldemort. (Being a DE is SO embarrassing! Even Draco stops doing that sort of thing for Snape in sixth year.)

*Look at all sexy tortured and defiant Harry. You can see where the capslock came from in OotP—Harry finds strength in surliness.

*Seriously, DEs, when you see the 14-year-old defying Voldemort and throwing off the Imperio you might want to reconsider your own bowing and scraping.

*Reflexes born of Quidditch training. Right.

*Too bad Harry only knows that one Expelliariumus spell. Except didn’t he actually spend half the book practicing spells? Why is he suddenly thinking all he knows is the one thing he learned two years ago?

*He totally learned expelliarimus from Snape, you know! That's why it's the best!

*Next year, of course, he'll decide he knows loads of defensive spells that he can teach the DA.

*Yes, they’re wizards, but sometimes in a duel you need a little light sabre action. Let’s see those streams of different colored lights!

*The Death Eaters are dealing as expected, running around like idiots asking for instructions.

*Don’t break the connection says someone like a friend in his ear. A friend who has just been connected to the Phoenix song and Dumbledore. Clearly this is the voice of Ginny, Harry’s true love, who knows all about obscure magical snafus. What do you mean that’s ridiculous? You just can’t do literary interpretation.

*So what would come out of Harry’s wand if the bead had gone over to him? Endless attempts at Accio etc.? Lots of ghostly pillows? Goyle, covered with boils telling Voldemort Harry sucks?

*Harry must really be stressed. He forgot to tell us how attractive Cedric’s ghost is.

*Now, in my book James appears after Bertha. Has that been changed in later issues when somebody remembered Lily should be first? Oh dear, maths.

*And the crowd of Death Eaters who can do magic can’t even stop Harry from running away in an open graveyard. Bravo, Death Eaters.

*Ah, there’s that Accio. Knew Jo would find one more use for it.

*Well, that went well. Voldemort’s return is off to a smashing start. Sideshow Bob could have done no better.

*However, this is all Shakespeare next to the travesty that is the movie adaptation of The Dark is Rising that is opening today. Bastards!

*Honestly, how did any of these guys ever think LV was going to win this war?



Hero’s Death Battle Exemption
See Harry run through a graveyard alone with dozens of DEs aiming spells at him. See Harry dodge every single one even though they’re behind him. See Harry take out a Death Eater with a spell shot over his shoulder.

Idiot World
Two dozen to one and you still lost. Seriously guys, find a new Evil Overlord.

Ken and Andrew’s Rule of Plot Holes
Um, so maybe James got killed first but sort of hung around and refused to go into the wand and then he stepped aside and let Lily go into the after life first so when the Priori Incantatum started…

Ken’s Rule of Guns
Not one DE tries to hex Harry until he’s got a good lead. And then they miss anyway, see Hero’s Death Battle Exemption.

"Watermelon, watermelon, cantaloupe, cantaloupe"
Just about the only thing the DEs do in this scene.

Final score: 5

Comments

[papier.livejournal.com]

Don’t break the connection says someone like a friend in his ear. A friend who has just been connected to the Phoenix song and Dumbledore. Clearly this is the voice of Ginny, Harry’s true love, who knows all about obscure magical snafus. What do you mean that’s ridiculous? You just can’t do literary interpretation.

LMAO. Is this real? Making up batshit theories to try and validate a ship just makes it look even crappier. At least delusional little me never thought Luna would turn out to have sekrit powers of romance.

Now, in my book James appears after Bertha. Has that been changed in later issues when somebody remembered Lily should be first? Oh dear, maths.

James comes first in mine, and mine's a Brit edition bought a couple of months after the book came out. I heard it was changed later on, which is good because it means she acknowledged the mistake rather than covering it up a la Marcus Flint.

[artystone.livejournal.com]

LMAO. Is this real? Making up batshit theories to try and validate a ship just makes it look even crappier.

Ah, the innocence of those who've managed to avoid the more batshit corners of The Fandom! :)

[papier.livejournal.com]

Oh, believe me I've seen some batshit theories in my time, but this one is new to me! :D As if Ginny's worth could be measured in anything other than three kids and an apron.

[aasaylva.livejournal.com]

LMAO. Is this real? Making up batshit theories to try and validate a ship just makes it look even crappier.
The funny thing is, the idea was rejected by some, claiming it would have seemed too incestous, seeing Ginny and Lily had some resemblance even then - little did they know what was to come...

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, I remember the theories that the "voice" was Ginny. It's funny that that got associated with Ginny. I mean, anybody could have inserted their ship in there, but for some reason I only heard Ginny-fans claiming it for their own.

[montavilla.livejournal.com]

The story as I heard it, was this: They were just about to go to print when her American editor frantically called her up and said that she got the order wrong and that James should come out of the wand before Lily. So, not having time to check that for herself, she okayed the change.

Then the books came out and they all realized that she'd had it right the first time and that Lily should have come first. In later editions it was changed back.

If it wasn't that the initial print runs on these books run into the millions, that first edition would probably be a collector's item. Like the upside-down stamp.

I didn't have too much trouble with the bumbling DEs in GoF. It was, after all, the first book we really get to see them in action. They're rusty. It's dark. The masks probably don't fit right any more....

It's when they continue to be idiots in OotP... God, is anyone on either side halfway competent in that book? Voldemort takes an entire year to pick up a freakin' snowglobe. Dumbledore allows torture in his school and abandons his students to the wrath of Delores. The big exciting work undertaken by the Order of the Phoenix is to sit under their cloaks for ten months.

Snape can't teach. Ron can't play Quidditch. Grawp can't talk. Molly can't get rid of a boggart.

I think I'm channeling Mike Smith...

[artystone.livejournal.com]

The big exciting work undertaken by the Order of the Phoenix is to sit under their cloaks for ten months.

Oh now that's not fair. They did some housecleaning.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I know--why is anyone afraid of the DEs again? There is no way these guys could take over the entire country. The guys on the Sopranos are far more intimidating and even they only handle their own little corner of corruption.

I said somewhere recently that a lot of the problem of DH for me was it's like JKR thinks she needs to tell a sprawling story when she really doesn't have the material for it. So the DEs are supposed to take over the world, but they're characterized more like a small, mean local gang. Though their numbers seem to grow and shrink as necessary. It's like the students at Hogwarts, I guess. There's obviously 20 people in each class, but that's kind of impossible for the only school in the UK, so maybe there's about 1000, most of whom live and go to class in an alternate universe.

[rowanbrierbrook.livejournal.com]

I'm so pissed about The Dark Is Rising. I LOVE that book, and they totally changed it. >_

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I was so glad to see the Ebert & Roeper review where one of the reviewers actually had read the book and said how any suck of the movie was strictly from the movie. Last I checked it had something like 18% on Rotten Tomatoes.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Not that it's surprising, given that young Slytherins aren't any smarter on the whole. The Malfoys really are the top.

[artystone.livejournal.com]

Um, so maybe James got killed first but sort of hung around and refused to go into the wand and then he stepped aside and let Lily go into the after life first

Always the gentleman, that James.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Yup. That's just what I was picturing. Sure he was a berk, but he truly loathed bad manners!

[ellecain.livejournal.com]

Bow to death, Harry. And the DEs dutifully laugh. Good one Voldemort.

See, this is where Jo should have used "sycophantically", instead of attaching it to Crabbe and Goyle all the time. Then again, given the utterly lame jokes Dumbledore tells, I'd like to see it attached to our heroes too. (I would've laughed "hysterically' at that flighty temptress comment in HBP)

I wonder if Harry could have bought time by telling Voldemort he didn’t know how to duel and could he, the greatest Wizard ever, please teach him sir.

Does this fanfic exist? Because I would totally read it. :-)

I love how despite being the school topper in DADA, Harry can't duel for peanuts and Jo has to resort to Priori Incantatem to save his ignorant ass.

Next year, of course, he'll decide he knows loads of defensive spells that he can teach the DA.

Exactly. Suddenly he goes from two-bit spells to being the DADA expert next year. If Harry really is the best at DADA in the school... well, no wonder the Idiot World rule applies.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

It's always surprising when somebody can laugh at a bad guy's joke without an adverb to telegraph they're wrong for doing so. Either their only sychophantically laughing because it isn't really funny even to them, or they're laughing stupidly, because you'd have to be stupid to think it's funny.

That "few words" joke of Dumbledore's though, though--what 15 year old wouldn't find that hilarious? It's almost as good as "got your nose."

Does this fanfic exist? Because I would totally read it. :-)

I don't know--it's a bit like that Simpsons where Bart distracts Sideshow Bob by having him sing HMS Pinafore. I love that one.

Exactly. Suddenly he goes from two-bit spells to being the DADA expert next year. If Harry really is the best at DADA in the school... well, no wonder the Idiot World rule applies.

Yes, unfortunately magic creates problems again. People are supposed to know all these spells, but when it comes down to it, is there anything really more effective than just taking away the other guy's wand or, like, knocking him over in some way? It's like kick boxing--the more sophisticated moves come in because the other guy's blocking you. Yet there's never reason to think that any of these kids should be able to duel that fast. They just can when things need to be more interesting.

Like in DH there's all these duels where presumably everybody's just whooshing around, which begs the question of why usually they have to point their wand and say a word. Shouldn't that slow things down a bit? How come everybody becomes brilliant at non-verbal spells and can think far faster than they ever do normally when it's time to duel? They don't even ever train physically so it's not like sword-fighting. (Yeah, I shouldn't be thinking about this.)

[montavilla.livejournal.com]

I don't know--it's a bit like that Simpsons where Bart distracts Sideshow Bob by having him sing HMS Pinafore. I love that one.

Me, too. It's a converge of three things dear to my heart. The Simpsons, Kelsey Grammar, and Gilbert and Sullivan. Too much happiness!

But this line made me wonder what would happen if you pitted Bart against Harry (sort of like that imaginary fight between Superman and Jesus....) Bart would totally pwn Harry, don't you think?

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Bart would totally pwn Harry, don't you think?

Totally. I remember when they did an HP takeoff, I think all the kids were wearing robes with S for Springfield on them, but I had totally looked at Bart's robe and thought that the writers put Bart in Slytherin.

[merrymelody.livejournal.com]

LOL, I think the Wikipedia link for that spoof has him listed as being Draco (and Lisa as Hermione, naturally, and perfectly, Milhouse as Neville.)

[papier.livejournal.com]

Kind of off-topic, but for those who don't know, mike_smith's brother Jim has put the next chapter review up here: http://jim-smith.livejournal.com/260994.html#cutid1

[artystone.livejournal.com]

Harry could be figuring out which kind of toilet paper to buy and Ron would be all "Oy Harry, get the effing bloody 24-pack because it's hell damn cheaper and I'll have plenty to wipe my assing butt-arse! Eff!" and Hermione would come out of nowhere just to disagree with Ron and say "No, Harry, get the Ultra Rolls--they have more sheets per roll and 12 of them are equivalent to 48 of the regular kind!"

Bwahahaha!

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I love the discussion with Griphook. Just tell him you'll give him the sword but you need it for something important first. Why are you lying to him?

I guess for the same reason Hermione lied to McGonagall back in PS/SS about her reason for being in the bathroom even though it was unnecessary and illogical. IITS.