GoF Chapter Thirty-Five

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*Good lord, I’ve been misreading the word that’s the title of this chapter for years, and so mispronouncing it. No wonder I was so confused by the Scholastic pronunciation guide site.

*Well, Dumbledore must be very pleased with the way this Tournament turned out. It was certainly worth all the trouble to make sure the kids would get a chance to do this. And good job forcing the 14-year-old to participate against his will—ancient magic, you know. Not the sort of thing you waste on things like important legal matters and such. This is the sort of thing we reserve for extreme sporting events!

*Yay! Dumbledore leaves Harry with Moody and he walks him off!

*The Dark Lord Moody immediately starts calling Voldemort—I like it.

*I’m glad we don’t see Amos’ first sight of Cedric, btw, and just see him later.

*I’m not sure how I feel about Fake!Moody calling him Voldemort. Seems like he wouldn’t, unless his great love for him makes him okay with the name. I like it better when he called him the Dark Lord, especially since Snape’s the one Harry accuses of being a DE for calling him that.

*Btw, why does Snape call him that in then end? Habit? No reason of note?

*How did Voldemort treat the Death Eaters? I LOVE BARTY CROUCH JR.!!

*Seriously, the DEs are all such complete infants except for the ones named Malfoy. They seem to be wanting somebody like Dumbledore, only bigoted.

*ETA: I kind of have to take that back now, sadly. Though the Malfoys aren't infants so much as...well, Lucius is maybe 10, Narcissa 14 and Draco 7.

*"They put my name in the Goblet of Fire! They made sure I got through to the end." Um, actually, no they didn’t "make sure" you got through to the end, Harry, that was pretty much luck and author intervention.

*Can I just mention how Harry is the most famous person in the WW and yet at the most convenient moments people allow him to be pulled off by someone against Dumbledore’s orders? Just try that on the Olsen twins and see how far you get.

*Barty Crouch rocks. I can’t stress this enough. I kind of want to see the scene that didn’t happen, where he gets away and after this speech to Harry he goes to see Draco. We’re talking Crucio!galore there.

*Harry is shocked at Moody’s confession because of who he is. The rest of us are shocked because the plan was so damned stupid.

*Moody tells Harry how difficult it was guiding him through all the tasks. Harry asks why Moody didn’t just make a Portkey out of something else and hand it to him. Moody, shocked at his own stupidity, gives himself up to the Dementors. The end.

*Crouch still had to contend with Harry’s stupidity. Normally I’d agree, but as a willing participant in this book’s brilliant plan I don’t think Barty’s got any room to talk here.

*Decent people are so easy to manipulate, says Crouch. Well, no wonder he had such trouble manipulating Harry then.

*Sadly, I think we’re supposed to see the fact that Harry did not ask anyone and everyone for help, instead of just Ron and Hermione who knows more than anyone and everyone, as a sign of his good character. Um, yeah. Whatever you say. Seriously, it's so sad watching these books try to find reasons Harry's morally superior to the average 9-year-old reader.

*Am I reaching to hope that the fact that Dumbledore’s giving Harry high marks for saving everyone helped Barty’s plan? Every bit of favoritism is a blessing on the Dark Lord, Albus!

*Okay, I guess I can accept the Crucio on Cedric since it’s a personal flaw of Barty’s (and Bellatrix) to consider that curse the answer to everything. Had this been, say Draco Malfoy’s plan, Viktor would have immobilized Cedric and thus really taken him out.

*Of course, if this were Draco Malfoy’s plan he’d hardly make Harry becoming super champion of the world part of it, so that’s neither here nor there. Draco would have probably made a Portkey out of a bar of soap or a roll of toilet paper so Harry was zapped to the Dark Lord with his pants down. (And for that he'd end up a beer belly in the epilogue!)

*Btw, Barty, I don’t know if you realize Voldemort’s plan hasn’t worked as expected since Harry is here in front of you, but maybe this isn’t a good time for a long chat? Harry does tend to be missed, especially right after he’s just won something, which is often.

*Harry thinks it makes no sense that Dumbledore’s friend Moody could do this. Harry, that’s the LAST THING that makes no sense about this story.

*Aww...Fake!Moody says if he kills Harry he’ll be closer than a son. Because he’s got Daddy issues.

*Of course, two books from now killing Harry is strictly forbidden to DEs but whatever. It makes sense at the time.

*Moody looked completely insane now. Unlike the way he looked when he was turning a random boy into a small animal and bouncing it around the room for scuffling in the hallway. Then he just looked like a true Gryffindor. It’s a thin line.

*Too bad Barty has to do a little overkill on the father connection to Voldemort. I liked it better when it was more subtle. But I guess it wasn’t really meant for character so much as to give Barty a reason to relate that part of his plan to Harry.

*ROTFL and ROTFL again! "You did not conquer him—and now—I conquer you!" And once I conquer you, I will be the boss of you! Ha ha!

*So that's how many DEs who conquer the kid Voldemort couldn't kill? Barty and Draco both manage to pwn Harry where Voldemort never could.

*Also thank you, Barty, for announcing very loudly what you’re about to do so Dumbledore knows when to Stupefy.

*Though don’t ask me why Stupefy blasts open the door to Moody’s office. Dumbledore should have used that version on the Lightning Struck!Tower.

*At that moment Harry sees why DD is the only wizard Voldemort ever feared. Why, because he just barely managed to prevent a fourteen-year-old being murdered due to a random DE’s being afflicted with James Bond Exposition Syndrome? This really isn’t DD’s best moment here, Harry.

*Actually, I'm still waiting for his best moment.

*But apparently he looks like a badass and that’s what matters. Gilderoy Lockhart=Such a Gryffindor.

*Is Snape supposed to be looking into the Foe Glass or is it just placing him in the room in front of the Foe Glass?

*Some people say this is supposed to show Snape as his own worst enemy, but clearly the Foe Glass only shows the owner’s enemies, or else why did Harry see what I presume was Snape, McGonagall and Dumbledore approaching this whole time?

*And of course, Snape is Crouch’s enemy even if he’s ESE. Which he isn't, because he's Dumbledore's bitch.

*Um, love Dumbledore’s big speech on how Harry needs to hear everything because he needs to understand ("You’ve got to know!!") but it makes his behavior in fifth year a little...suspicious. Fourth year he’s assigning compulsory Unforgivables and fifth year Harry can’t know about a bit of doggerel somebody wrote about him fifteen years ago because it might upset him.

*Why is Harry so shocked Moody did this? Did he build up some sort of trust with Moody when I wasn’t looking? He doesn’t seem to have trouble imagining Dumbledore’s buddy Snape trying to kill him.

*Oh right, Moody hates the Malfoys. How could he be a bad guy?

*Dumbledore: "The moment he took you, I knew. I followed him." I wouldn’t be bragging on that too much, Sherlock Holmes, considering you didn’t figure it out THE ENTIRE YEAR the guy’s been posing as your best friend.

* DD’s the one everyone acts like knows everything and is the smartest guy in the universe. Yet next year it’s Percy Weasley Harry will be mentally considering incompetent for not figuring out his always-busy boss wasn’t quite himself.

*I suspect Minerva and Snape do not find Dumbledore’s instructions to find Veritaserum and a black dog peculiar, because they, unlike Harry, have basic deductive skills.

*That trunk’s pretty cool, though you’d think the last lock would be hidden.

*Fake!Moody in the trunk is like that guy in Se7en who got killed for Sloth.

*You see the simplicity of it, and the brilliance? No, Dumbledore, if there’s two things I don’t see about this whole plan it’s simplicity and brilliance.

*Dumbledore assumes, correctly, that in the excitement of tonight Fake!Moody will have forgotten to take his Potion. So I guess that’s just a genetic thing for Wizards? Like an instinct? Like bears hibernate when winter comes, and Wizards forget to take Potions they take regularly otherwise and upon which they strongly depend, whenever something exciting happens?

*Oh, thank goodness they have the Veritaserum. Barty would never have blabbed every single thing he’s done in Voldemort’s service otherwise! Like an oyster, is Barty Crouch, Jr. when it comes to his evil plans!

*Harry remembers the substance with which Snape threatened him in class, kids. Do you?

*I keep picturing Barty as really cute like he is in the movie.

*Btw, he’s blond. Blond hair does not bode well in this universe. Fleur’s okay as long as she's doing dishes or wiping her man's forehead, but at first she’s suspicious. The Malfoys are all blond, so is Zacharias Smith (whom I would have considered the exception until HBP informed me that he is, in fact, a dreadful person needing frequent hexing--and then DH made sure to give him one scene pushing aside children in his cowardly retreat. Remember when everybody thought Zach was like Fanon Draco? FANON DRACO IS A DASTARDLY COWARD!).

*LOL—"And what did your father do with you, when he had got you home?" He gave me a whooping, sent me to my room and disconnected my X-Box for two whole months!

*You know, Bertha Jorkins gets dismissed but she appears to be sharper than most Wizards in canon. Hearing someone talking to no one and figuring out Barty Crouch is still alive is a much bigger leap than the kind of thing Hermione is considered a freaking genius for throughout the series.

*What, you mean Memory Charms can be permanently damaging? I guess that’s why they’re mostly reserved for Muggles and Wizards who deserve brain damage.

*It’s really hilarious that this all started because Winky thought it was important for Barty to go to a Quidditch game. Exactly how big of a fan was he?

*Btw, Winky was totally at the Battle of Hogwarts all cured of her alcoholism. Why would you think otherwise?

*The Imperius, like most curses, grows and shrinks in strength according to the plot. Moody seems to think he can teach fourteen-year-olds to fight it off, Harry practically fights it off the very first time, but Barty Crouch needs years of fighting to become strong enough.

*Once again, one of Lucius’ ideas comes back to bite him on the arse. Sometimes Lucius reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where George Costanza realizes that every single instinct he’s ever had has been wrong, so he should start doing the opposite of whatever he wants to do.

*Yes, that makes George Costanza immensely more competent than Lucius.

*To be fair, a chick pea would be immendsely more competent than Lucius in DH.

*I’m thinking Crouch had perfectly good reason to fire Winky here. I’m also thinking he had much better reasons NOT to fire Winky here.

*The good thing is she wound up at Hogwarts. That's the happy ending of the House Elf story, that only people who are good masters it are waited on by slaves. Yay!

*Heh—Barty’s master arrived in Wormtail’s arms. There’s a sight Crouch would never forget. Wormtail and Bundle, sir, at your service!

*So torture breaks memory charms? That seems inconvenient. Is there no other way to break them? Perhaps they should be torturing Lockhart?

*What did Lord Voldemort ask you to do, Barty? Oh, he asked me to play out the most ridiculous plan imaginable. It was awesome!

*The biggest test for a DE isn’t following the plan, but stopping yourself from pointing out the flaws in it. That’s why Peter gets no love from Voldemort. It’s also Snape’s greatest skill.

*And then Arthur Weasley showed up and didn’t investigate—once again, every bit of favoritism is a blessing on the Dark Lord!

*Barty wanted to keep Moody alive to ask him about his past and fool Dumbledore. Which apparently isn’t that hard.

*He had to steal the ingredients. You’d think Voldemort would have provided those. Nah, then the plan would only have 86 obvious ways of getting caught.

*I’m with pauraque. I think Peter let Crouch escape for his own purposes. Nothing’s better than being considered incompetent when you’re working for a Megalomaniac.

*Now I’m imagining Peter eventually becoming MoM, living to an old age and writing his memoirs, "I, Wormtail."

*Maybe that will still happen! Oh wait, Wormtail died in that lame scene in DH that people often forget because it was so pointless.

*Potter believed my father was after Snape. Potter thinks EVERYONE should be after Snape.

*Scratch that. Potter thinks Snape was just this brave guy.

*I could not hurt Potter. That’s the number one rule of being on Voldemort’s side: you can’t hurt Potter. This is how we know there’s a glimmer of hope for Draco. The boy’s known to hurt Potter.

*Lucky Dumbledore never asked Snape if he told Moody where to come the night Crouch, Sr. was killed. Are we sure that Polyjuice wasn’t mixed with Felix Felicitas?

*Dumbledore unfortunately neglects to ask Barty the most important question: WHY ARE YOU SO AWESOME?



Hero’s Death Battle Exemption
This is why Barty isn’t the least bit surprised or disturbed that Harry has come strolling back to Hogwarts after his big plan.

IITS
You know, if Barty had made a second Portkey he could have left right after the Tournament and even taken Harry with him and then he’d be free in the next book to…oh, IITS.

Idiot Picture
Barty could have saved himself a lot of exposition in this chapter by just calling this rule.

Idiot World
Btw, where’s that kid we haven’t let alone through the entire book because we think the fate of our world depends on him? Didn’t Dumbledore the Great and Wise tell him to stay where he was? Oh, he’s being hauled off by that crazy-looking fellow with the peg leg. I’m sure that’s fine.

James Bond Exposition Rule
Until you think you’re going to die of it.

McGuffin
So this whole Tournament…? Just a really elaborate way to get you from one place to another, young Harry.

Nut o’ Fun
I would call the Foe Glass here, but I really feel it’s being set up to be used later. (With one book to go, that would be Book VII.) I mean, doesn’t it seem like there’s an awful lot of time spent referring to it with no payoff? And yet it would come in handy in a mystery where our hero doesn’t know who’s against him. Especially a hero that needs all the help he can get. Unless the whole point is just so that Harry can see his protectors bustling to his aid during Barty’s speech. If so then it’s a total Nut o’ Fun.

ETA: Bwahahaha! So much for that pay-off! Anyway, if Foe Glasses had appeared in Book VII they probably would have had different rules anyway. Like they'd show the enemies of the person who looked in to the Foe Glass second to last's cousin.

Final scores A million and one, all for James Bond Exposition. Read and learn, people.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

If you're just ambitious and cunning you're pretty much Gryffindor. It's only if you have all the awful qualities of Slytherin that you're in there.

True. I still can't quite wrap my head around this straightforward morality, having been corrupted by ridiculously canon-incompatible fanfics where Harry learns that different perspectives, or even different methods of reaching the same goal, may be equally valid.

I had figured his being a junkie was the sloth part, with heroin having the effects it does.

That makes a bit more sense. I forgot he was a user. But according to Wikipedia he was some kind of "sexual predator" as well. From which I get a vibe of being assured that he deserved his fate, as there's an obvious discrepancy between his punishment – the most horrific in the movie - and his relatively trivial sin.

-L