deathtocapslock | GoF Chapter Thirty-Seven

*The Beginning? Dear God, are we starting over?

*JKR does that in OotP too with The Second War Begins. I guess she wants to make it clear that there’s another book coming out after this one so we’ll be on the lookout for it. Otherwise we might miss it when it tiptoes into the bookstores without much fanfare.

*ETA: Oddly enough Voldemort basically sits around for two books and then somehow in a space of weeks (days?) manages to completely change the Wizarding World into a different place and reduce adult Wizards to complete helplessness, wandering the streets. I guess he figured he might as well not lift a finger, given that Wizards are ridiculously easy to conquer.

*Mrs. Diggory says Cedric died right when he won the Tournament so he must have been so happy. Mrs. Diggory must have been a Gryffindor.

*Cedric, not being a crazy person, wasn’t thinking about the Tournament at all when he died. He was thinking, "Why am I in a graveyard and who’s that weird little guy with the bundle walking towards me?"

*Btw, for all the stuff about Cedric winning it still seems like any "glory" anyone remembers from this Tournament will go to Harry Potter. Color me shocked.

*The Diggorys back away from their gold. Oh, how I wish they’d give it to charity so that anyone related to Molly Weasley didn’t get it.

*Actually, I doubt wizards have charities, or if they do the recipients have to go through deadly obstacle courses or fight savage beasts to get to their money. Muggle charities are for the cowardly.

*Nothing comes of the idea that Harry killed Cedric, though you’d think it would. If Harry is lying about Voldemort, who the hell else did kill Cedric? This is one of those times where instead of following the logic JKR just throws it in to make sure we know Harry is suffering in every possible way.

*Especially since in DH people are randomly ready to believe he maybe killed Dumbledore and make Snape Headmaster of Hogwarts even though everybody at Hogwarts knows he did it.

*The only other person besides Hermione and Ron Harry can bear to talk to is Hagrid, I guess because if he talks to Hagrid I have to read a scene with Hagrid in it and if Harry’s got to be suffering he wants to make me suffer too.

*When he gets to Hagrid’s we get a hint of the true tragedy of the book. Madam Maxime is apparently dating Hagrid. Poor woman. First casualty of the second war.

*Madam Maxime is apparently dating Hagrid. I say this again just to show that yes, we have been known to know about teacher's romantic lives and sexual preferences, so that's not a reason that JKR couldn't possibly have told us Dumbledore was in love with a man.

*Harry did what his father would have done, Hagrid says, and there’s no more praise than that. I disagree. James would have found a way to pants someone in that graveyard. I just know it. James totally pwns Harry.

*Later the Slytherins will be hexed for "making threats." Yet Hagrid’s allowed to openly menace me with hints of the Hagrid’s Tale to come and nobody gives him tentacles.

*There’s black drapes behind the teacher’s table in the Great Hall. Harry instantly knows they are a mark of respect for Cedric. That’s a pretty sad measure of Harry’s deductive skills if it has to be highlighted that he figured out instantly that the standard signs of mourning are a reference to the person who recently died.

*Though I guess it’s impressive that Harry did not first assume they were a mark of respect for himself. He's dying on the inside here, people!

*No house cup, btw, because who cares about something like that when ~~Gryffindor doesn’t win~~ someone has died?

*Also note that Cedric is totally honored as himself and not as a Hufflepuff. Can’t have the duffers getting too uppity. We’re all one now, so when the Gryffindors start an army, get out those red shirts!

*Why...why did Dumbledore think Snape was on their side? You know a question is important to the series when it gets a double why!

*Sadly, you can also count on the answer being a double yawn.

*Everyone toasts Cedric. But let’s just assume Draco and his friends remained seated. It’s much more canonical.

*Cho’s crying. Harry does not instantly know why. This one’s harder than the black drapes.

*Any suggestions as to exactly what Draco is muttering to Crabbe and Goyle? Nah, we should probably just wait for JKR to tell us in a Q&A one of these days.

*Many other Slytherins refuse to toast Harry, which should retroactively take away their toasting of Cedric.

*Oh, and Dumbledore doesn’t see them not toasting. Harry can just tell. Because Dumbledore, after all, has no magical eye and is simply looking out over the whole Great Hall. Err...why can he not see them? Shouldn’t he be able to see them better than Harry? Dumbledore’s lack of magical eye seems to be being lamented here, but I don’t know what exactly it’s supposed to mean. It’s not like he’d act any differently if he did see them. And haven’t we been told Dumbledore always knows what’s going on?

*The Triwizard’s aim was to further promote magical understanding. Wait...it was? I could have sworn it was to dare teenagers to commit stupid dangerous acts for glory and pitted them against kids from other schools who therefore became the enemy.

*Luckily there's no need for magical understanding in this series whatsoever.

*Dumbledore looks right at the Durmstrang kids here. Yup, Dumbledore handles this whole magical understanding thing uncommonly well. These kids have been at the school for months and ignored while they sat in the lake...except for the times when they were set against each other and now you’re going to look at the vaguely Eastern European students like you hope they’ve learned something?

*Still, it's a great set up for when all those Europeans showed up in DH...oh wait, no they didn't. Except for probably all the DEs that came from Durmstrang. Maybe that's what they thought he meant.

*Oh, okay. Voldemort creates discord and enmity among different peoples. Dumbledore promotes friendship and trust between different peoples. Because Voldemort accepts people from different countries into his brotherhood that are united by a common cause, and you divide everyone into cheering sections and make them fight over a cup. And because Voldemort’s group has a decidedly continental flavor with foreign names, and your side is so British they mispronounce bouillabaisse on principle and "Malfoy" sounds like a foreign exchange student.

*Dumbledore says they have to choose what is right over what is easy. Which, for those just joining us, means act like a Gryffindor and do what comes easy for them.

*Fleur comes over to wish Harry, her fellow-champion and the guy who beat her, a nice good-bye. Bitch.

*Krum reveals Karkaroff did not steer the magical ship, but made the boys do all the work. Because of course, as a bad guy, he must have been obviously cowardly and lazy in all ways from the beginning. Good job finally throwing off those chains of oppression there, Viktor. Or on having your chains of oppression run away.

*Is this where Viktor snogged Hermione for two seconds? I’m surprised Ron is not described as looking suddenly unworthy when she returns.

*Ron’s adorable. Full stop. Not only does he ask for an autograph but he doesn’t point out that Viktor is supposed to be a professional Quidditch player, yet just spent the entire book not training at all. How the hell does that work?

*Oh right, good Quidditch players inherit their skill so don't have to train.

*Hermione does have amazing self-control. Imagine having kidnapped someone and held them prisoner and not be able to brag about it! Not since Ted Bundy have I seen such humility.

*I guess that’s why she made sure Marietta’s disfigurement was so obvious to everyone. Next time she’ll have to remember to make the pustules write HERMIONE GRANGER FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO THIS ALL BY HERSELF.

*Hermione’s got Rita in a jar. She caught her on the windowsill. Dude, wasn’t that like a month ago? That’s inhuman.

*Nice that Hermione still manages to be judgmental of the Slytherins-—they don’t care that Rita was doing something illegal by writing her stories. Okay, let me get this straight. The Slytherins are bad for not caring Rita was doing something illegal, even though you do illegal shit all the time and are currently keeping a human being trapped in a jar. And they’re bad for talking to a reporter when the school has closed itself to the press, even though you, of course, will do the same thing next year. Yeah, I can see why you’re so passionately shocked at the Slytherins thinking they should be able to talk to whoever they want while at school. I mean, at least be honest and say the Slytherins suck for saying nasty things about you to the reporter who'll print them.

*Oh, and btw, it’s illegal now to print newspapers articles that contain the truth if Hermione doesn’t like the truth presented. Good to know.

*Not to mention, the way they got onto Rita was Ron saying that Fudge wouldn’t be able to keep Rita Skeeter from reporting even though he was shutting everyone else up. Which would indicate that Rita was a good thing. Whatever.

*Ah, here is Draco saying something horrible about Cedric. More than horrible: Disgusting! Blasphemous! More terrible than anyone can imagine! If you can bear to hear it, he says now that Voldemort’s back he’ll go after people like Harry and his friends. They’ll be the first—well, after Cedric, who has already been killed. Wait, that’s not disgusting. Callous, but not disgusting. Disgusting would be asking Harry if he had sex with Cedric’s corpse before bringing it back—the kind of thing that’s probably being said by 14-year-old boys all over the world right now this second.

*Still, totally horrible thing to say to the girl who’s been keeping a human being a prisoner in a small jar for over a month.

*Also, wtf is the fandom thing with Draco making death threats in this scene? He’s not threatening anyone, he’s trying to scare them by reminding them that Voldemort is their enemy. It’s like if there was a serial killer on the loose who went after blonds and you told Draco he’d be next. A death threat is when you threaten to arrange someone’s death yourself. Duh.

*The Gryffindors hex the Slytherins unconscious. Now it’s a death threat. That way it’s more heroic.

*Oh, and Fred and George joining in from behind totally does not count as outnumbering, going after someone younger than you are, or hitting from behind. Because they probably did it on heroic impulse, which erases any possible bad intent. To outnumber, go after someone smaller or hit someone from behind you need to have a certain kind of mindset. Iow, you have to be a Slytherin.

*Harry gives the twins a bag of gold. *crosses fingers for some greedy bad twin stuff in book 7*

*Guess I can uncross my fingers now. Though at least all the laughter and the world died with Fred. And he was just on the verge of inventing magical fake dog poo when he died.

*As Hagrid said, what would come would come. We must face it. There’s nothing we can do. Hagrid’s Tale is going to happen.

Hero’s Death Battle Exemption
Well, you can’t blame the Slytherins refusing to toast a Jabootu category now can you?

Idiot World
Yup, we better just wait and see what Voldemort does. There’s nothing proactive we could be doing right now. Nothing at all.

Informed Attributes
Hey Hermione, tell us again how the press would work if you were in charge? And then Dumbledore can explain that "right versus easy" thing again, as demonstrated by anything Harry and his friends want to do, and how competition to the death in the pursuit of glory fosters unity between schools?

Final score: 3