OotP Chapter Thirty-Eight

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*Hurray! The second war begins now! You know what that means don't you? It means everything's justified because, 'OMG you have to do desperate things in wartime!'

*ETA: And by "war" we mean more waiting around for Harry to kill Voldemort. Even people who actually think they ought to be doing something are scolded and sent back home to be with the families they're too cowardly to protect.

*Everyone must be terrified to learn the DEs actually managed to gain access to the MOM, that being so difficult and involving a request to be let in and a badge, after all.

*Albus Dumbledore, newly re-instated as head of every-freakin'-thing, reminds everyone that he's been telling everybody Voldemort was back all year. Funny, because he never said boo about it at school. Seemed like Harry and his friends were the ones doing all the declaring.

*ETA: Not that this will make anyone suspect Voldemort's taken over the government in DH. The Wizarding World needs several hits with the clue bat before anything really sinks in.

*Hey, now that everyone's listening to you, do you think this is a good time to clear Sirius' name? Sirius. Sirius Black. Remember?

*Ginny's curled up again like a cute little kitten, her ankle having been healed in a trice. Not that a quick healing in any way takes away from the seriousness of her injury while it was going on.

*Thoughts can leave deeper scars than anything else--with the obvious exception of any scar that happens to Harry. Oh, I hope Ron gets an interesting storyline due to that brain attack. ETA: Bwahahaha! What was I thinking?

*Hermione wins the prize for coolest injury. Watch her stoic wince as her ribs CONTINUE TO PAIN HER. But don't forget that the curse was even more badass than we see, because the guy was not able to speak. So Hermione, as cool as she seems, is in reality EVEN COOLER.

*Makes you wonder why they didn't just hit everybody with that curse, doesn't it? But everyone must be injured differently. DEs are creative that way. Next you'll be wondering why they didn't just freeze everybody right off.

*Why No One Listened to Albus Dumbledore is one of the articles. Gee, it's fantastic the way Dumbledore's managed to come out the big hero in all of this, despite his claims of considering himself at fault, no really. If I didn't already find it impossible to believe the disaster at the MoM wasn't exactly what he'd planned, I'd start getting suspicious now.

*ETA: Yeah, Albus's fear of holding power (it might unrepress his gayness and make him evil again) is really holding strong here. The man's got no power in this world at all.

*Hermione: still wincing. She reminds me of all the hobbits in the LOTR DVDs imitating Orlando Bloom with his broken ribs, with the manly grimaces.

*ETA: This will all be good practice for when she stands up to a spot of torture in DH.

*Hermione asks if all the trouble's stopped now that Dumbledore's back. Yes, of course. Because once people have the benevolent leader they want they're happy as clams.

*Dumbledore strode into the forest alone to rescue Umbridge. Dumbledore is really super cool and powerful and even saves people who don't deserve it and we should all be really impressed that he somehow managed to handle a herd of centaurs. Here's the problem with Dumbledore pimping--it's already pretty clear he can fix everything in a trice. So reminding us of it just makes us wonder why he doesn't fix Voldemort. Also it doesn't make him cool so much as making the threat seem arbitrary and fake.

*Umbridge seems to be quite unscathed except for the twigs in her hair. Which will always make me think of that girl who gets raped by the trees in Evil Dead.

*She appears to be in shock, but Ginny calls it sulking. Because only good people like Neville's parents can be in shock.

*ETA: How did I read this scene and not see that Ginny is warm and compassionate?

*Ron proves she's not in shock by making clip-clop noises that make her bolt upright and then say she must have been dreaming. Okay, didn't that actually more support the "shock" diagnosis?

*Btw, how exactly did they figure out that clip-clop noises terrorized her? I guess that's how they've been amusing themselves in the infirmary? Has anyone tried sneaking up to Neville's parents and yelling "Crucio!" to see if they're sulking?

*However they discovered it, it's totally funny. You don't think so? You are totally letting the terrorists win.

*Hermione tells Luna it's lovely she's going hunting Snorkacks. Their friendship has really grown. Get it? Hermione is l-e-a-r-n-i-n-g. The Hermione/Luna arc has come to a graceful close. Now that we know Luna's brave, the things she believes must be less ridiculous. Truthiness FTW!

*Naturally Dumbledore didn't sweep in and give Trelawney her job back in a fury of self-righteousness like he did with Hagrid. She's going to share the job with Firenze. Grubbly-Plank can just piss off!

*Hermione now believes in prophecies after this experience, though I don't know why, if she didn't before. Oh, I see, she believes in them because the Ministry does, and Dumbledore does. Um, Dumbledore and JKR were all superior about Voldemort making the prophecy come true but isn't Dumbledore doing that as well? And why believe anything the Ministry does anyway? Truthiness FTW again.

*Harry's heart beats faster as he thinks about hiding the prophecy from his friends. Everyone finds this prophecy shocking except the audience. You'd think Ron would be the first to say the Prophecy's been obvious since first year.

*Harry is finding it hard to decide if he wants to be with people or not. When he's with them he doesn't like them, and when he's alone he wants company. Iow, Harry is completely back to normal, because he's been like this the entire freaking book.

*Harry, if you're not sure you want to be around people, skip Hagrid. A conversation with him would make anybody want to be a hermit.

*Maybe kicking some Slytherin arse would make him feel better. Ah, Draco! So glad you're here...

*The moment when all four of them stop dead is one of the few this could be real!moments in the book for me. Thank goodness it's broken by Harry knowing Malfoy is "checking for teachers" so we're back on safe ground again: Malfoy, coward, bully, same old same old.

*You know, I'd actually believe something a bit more interesting than "checking for teachers." I mean, he is doing that, but is it really because he's going to break a rule, or because he's about to say something emotional he doesn't want overheard? ETA: Just doesn't want to get in trouble. Sneaky bastard can't even stand up to his convictions enough to risk detention, you know.

*Otoh, perhaps he's checking for Gryffindors, who are known to hit one from behind when one is threatening Potter.

*Harry feels some detached satisfaction at seeing Malfoy's pale, pointy face contorted with rage. Isn't it nice the way despite the great tragedy everyone has experienced the one thing guaranteed to make them smile and laugh is seeing the bad guys suffering? Harry's Crucio will improve in no time! ETA: Wow, I wouldn't have guessed how right I was on that one!

*Ooh, Harry's giving me shivers with the tough talk about Voldemort. Are the Slytherins' stricken looks indication they are afraid of Voldemort, which is why they will join him, like all cowards? ETA: Pretty much, yeah.

*Yes, Voldemort was just a warm-up to you three. Not that I actually fought Voldemort. In fact I was a goner. But you don't know that and you're much less scary than he is. And besides that was ages ago and my memory has had time to make me look better to myself.

*You think you're such a big man, Potter-yes, yes he does. And sadly for you, Malfoy, the world really does revolve around him so back off.

*Remember kids, that Crabbe and Goyle are flanking Malfoy. This should not in any way be compared to Ron, Ginny, Hermione, Neville, Fred, George, Luna, and the entire police force ever flanking Harry.

*Draco said Dad! *snuggles the wretched Malfoys*

*I can't help but suspect the DEs will indeed immediately escape from prison as part of the annual "Slytherin reset" button. ETA: Okay, it took a year. Somebody forgot to hit the button pre-HBP, but hit it several times before DH so Draco becomes less developed than he was in PS.

*Still, it's pretty funny everybody seems to see their jailing as purely a formality as they'll get out in no time, I guess because they can do magic and you can't expect the people who run Azkaban would be able to handle that.

*At least everyone knows what scumbags the DEs and Lucius are now. Because nobody knew that before. Draco and his family have done such a bang-up job of distancing themselves from this kind of attitude until now. Curse you, Potter for unveiling their unsavory attitudes!

*ETA: Back when this book came out, everyone was expecting a huge drop in social status for Draco due to his being unmasked as a child of a DE. They didn't know Slytherin.

*Harry's just too quick for Malfoy. Color me shocked.

*Not that there was anything for Malfoy to fear. Gryffindors always pull their punches. Like when Harry attacked him on the Quidditch pitch. If Harry hadn't pulled his wand, he'd prolly be dead OMG!!11

*Harry feels a rush of hatred when Snape appears beyond anything he felt towards Malfoy. So, if we're keeping track, this hatred goes beyond the hatred for Malfoy, but is it more or less than the hatred Harry feels for Umbridge, Voldemort, Lucius or Bellatrix?

*As to why Harry hates Snape, that's anybody's guess. For saving his ass by alerting the Order? By not getting killed? By being a good liar in front of Umbridge? By protecting Sirius and Harry by not giving Umbridge the Veritaseum?

*ETA: Not that this unholy hatred will go anywhere either. Harry will pretty much get over it between HBP and DH so he can suddenly be all about Dumbledore.

*I'm surprised we don't get told how Malfoy looks relieved at Snape's arrival. In fact, Malfoy and his friends disappear completely from the scene about now. You've served your purpose. Go away now. ETA: Shades of things to come there.

*Though of course Draco gets loads of description next to Crabbe and Goyle. Wasn't Goyle's father arrested too? Is Goyle so unimportant he doesn't register even that much? ETA: Probably just too stupid.

*Ah, here comes McGonagall, who is a Gryffindor, so also had her injuries taken seriously in the text. Just in time, she awards everybody points back. Phew! The house cup contest is totally fair again!

*McGonagall naturally knows to treat Crabbe and Goyle like the servants.

*It must have killed her a little to give those 50 points to Ravenclaw.

*Harry did not need telling twice, though usually you can tell till you're blue in the face and he still won't get it. He leaves without another glance at Snape and Malfoy, so I've really no idea how to read Malfoy here. I suppose I should just assume he's twirling his moustache and muttering threats about getting Harry.

*Grawpy's loads better behaved now. Which shows that Hagrid was right all along. It's great to tie up a sibling and treat him like an animal. Just wait till you leave him alone for a bit and he'll be completely chastened and ready to be a different kind of plot device in the next book, God help us. ETA: WTF WAS THE POINT OF GRAWP??

*Ever noticed Hagrid can't be anything but stupid when the story's going on, but then we don't see him for a while and we get the narrator god informing us that everything's been going swimmingly for him.

*I suppose I'm kidding myself hoping that Grawp was pleased to see Hagrid because he's figured out a plan to kill him. We know that Hagrid simply projects emotions onto all his pets that make him look good. ETA: Of course Grawp is now grateful to Hagrid for dragging him to civilization and saving him from his heathen ways.

*And now Hagrid is thinking of kidnapping some female giant and breeding him like a bull. I'm beginning to want Harry to be alone again too.

*Harry is worried that if Hagrid finds Grawp his "lady friend" there will be two giants in the forest. Somebody really needs to sit Harry down and explain to him that when a boy giant and his lady friend love each other very much it results in more than two giants.

*Hagrid reminds Harry Sirius died the way he would have liked, though it's not Sirius Harry is feeling sorry for. Honestly, he didn't spend much time putting himself in Sirius' shoes before. Why would he do it now?

*ETA: Though come to think of it, I doubt Sirius would have wanted to die this stupidly. James is probably teasing him about it in the afterlife as we speak. Being that the afterlife is just like this life and so nothing to fear at all once you get used to ignoring the crying babies.

*Really, as much as it sucks to be dead and all, it's far better than the shame of knowing there was a fight going on and you missed it. ETA: Unless it's the second Voldemort war, in which case it's everyone's duty to stay home. Don't worry, we'll have a battle at the end to properly separate the cowards from the good guys.

*Remember when we just had to keep hearing how Hagrid wasn't there? Those were good times.

*A few days ago everyone knowing he was telling the truth was all Harry wanted, but now it's all ruined! Ruined, I tell you! Just like always happens. Seriously. Just like always happens. Over and over.

*Harry's real trouble is just his isolation from others. He's a marked man, baby. Always has been, always will be. The chosen one. The one whose birth has been foretold. The one on whose shoulders the…bwahahaha! I'm sorry, I couldn't continue that with a straight face. Let's just say Harry is broodily silhouetted against the lake, whistle the theme to The Good, The Bad and The Ugly and move on.

*ETA: I love that I was making fun of the idea of Harry as the chosen one when I read this, little knowing he would be The Chosen One the following year, without a trace of irony.

*Is it me, or does the wizarding world seem to get a lot more cheerful when Harry's around? Everywhere he goes everyone is laughing to remind him how much better they have it then he does. In the movie the lawn behind him should be dotted with jugglers and pony rides to make the point. Life's one long continuous hoot for the unmarked.

*It's as though he belongs to a different race. Not that races are different. At all. And if you think you are you're a bad guy.

*Harry's wiping his face on his sleeve because he has been crying all this time and didn't notice because he's so stoic. And you didn't notice because you can not possibly understand the pain.

*Harry's wishes vary with his moods--yes, we've noticed.

*Harry knows now he will surely miss Hogwarts. Now that he's going away it's time to remind us how awful anyplace else is.

*Phew. Umbridge is chased out of Hogwarts to jeers and beatings with a stick. Because she seemed rather chastened, like she'd learned something, and we can't have that. Only traitors think bad guys can grow, learn or change at all. Smart heroes don't give them a chance.

*Harry can't attend the feast because he just knows he'll be mentioned in the speech, just like last year. Don't suppose anybody else has ever been mentioned in a speech. Are there no other students that ever do anything noteworthy besides helping Harry or getting killed near Harry? For everybody who watches LOST, I'm beginning to think like Arnzt: You know, there are 1000 other people at this school and they all do stuff too! (I miss Arnzt.)

*Harry finally finds the mirror. Question: if Harry had tried to use the mirror, how would Sirius know Harry was looking into it? Does it ring like a cell phone? ETA: Sometimes it works by plot contrivance.

*But alas, Sirius can not appear in the mirror because death is REAL!!! Sure people can be ghosts and all and talk to you when you really need them but it's TOTALLY REAL IN THIS MOMENT!

*It does not occur to Harry to say, “Damn, I could have used this stupid thing to talk to Sirius all along.” Seriously, it really doesn't!

*And Sirius can't be a ghost either, oh woe woe woe.

*Also apparently you can't use the Time Turner to save him because Time Turners are SO third book and thankfully just destroyed because they were all in one room. Not that this crosses Harry's mind at all either.

*Harry now divides his life into before and after Sirius. I know it's just so cynical of me, but it just so seems like now that Harry's lost something he has to build it up to make himself as wronged as possible.

*ETA: And now we know that the after-Sirius part is kind of generally happier. And involves even less thinking about Sirius.

*So you become a ghost by being a coward. I can see why no self-respecting person would be a ghost, then.

*And now we come to other lauded scene in the series, the one with Luna. Luna's having her stuff stolen and then given back is that it shows how wildly compassionate Harry is to actually feel sorry for someone the way a normal person would.

*Then there's Luna's speech about death. Now, the idea that people live on after death and that we'll see them again is a common one. It can be a shallow platitude or the product of real experience and thought. Since we don't know Luna and her mother really seems dead, I'd say Luna herself comes across as the latter (as if the afterlife might as well be a Snorkack that she wants to believe but can't). In the larger context, though, it seems like the former. I mean, why is Harry doubting people live on after death? He's not like a Muggle boy with no information. He's seen ghosts. Even his Mum and Dad appeared out of a wand. Sirius literally went through an archway and disappeared. You'll meet again in Heaven, Harry, and don't worry, Heaven is properly divided into three sections for the Hogwarts houses. (Obviously the Slytherins won't be there at all.)

*Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle have "clearly" been waiting all week to find Harry alone? Do they announce this as they jump out ("Jeez, Potter, you're a popular fellow! We've been waiting all week to find you by yourself!") or do they just have that look everyone gets when they've been waiting a week to catch you alone? Does it not count if he's alone with his grief, which is quite intimidating, being raw and savage, just like Harry himself? Rawwwwrrr!

*The attack might have succeeded, which of course means that 12 people continuing to hex these three until they have practiced everything and they're literally oozing out of their clothes couldn't possibly be considered excessive force. I, for one, am just grateful Harry made it through this frightening encounter in one piece!

*Ernie is especially satisfied by this, and by possibly getting the chance to see Malfoy's mother find him, because he's never gotten over Malfoy taking points from him. Which is a totally righteous reason to enjoy it. Go Ernie!

*That's one of the many good things about war time: petty and vindictive motivations become noble! I wish we were at war all the time!

*Ron reminds us for the fourth time that Goyle is ugly. Why does no one ever write stories where Goyle comes back after the summer having blossomed into a hottie? (He kind of does in the movie!)

*Neville's plant is even more disturbingly like a penis on the return trip. It's no longer shooting off unexpectedly, but now croons when touched. There's a reason Neville has few friends.

*Hermione is reading the Prophet again, implying it's now more credible, even though it's still full of utter rubbish. At least it's rubbish she likes. The wizarding world is now just haring off like idiots after the latest idea.

*The Prophet is now encouraging everyone to arm themselves and be on the lookout for all those dark wizards. Nice to know even witches aren't averse to a good, old-fashioned witch-hunt, but why do I get the creeping suspicion this is supposed to be a good thing? In fact, according to Hermione, they really ought to be more paranoid, because it's going to get far more horrible than they think. ETA: Yeah, this totally foreshadows the following year of high school hijinx.

*Ron still seems to assume Cho and Harry are going out, I guess because it's up to Harry to say when they've broken up because Cho's opinion means nothing. Hermione tells us Cho's going out with someone else (obviously she never loved Harry!!!). Yes, Hermione remains up-to-date on all the school gossip that Harry never hears a peep of. Either she managed to drop by the girl's room while she was laid up in the infirmary, or she's got the place bugged.

*Marietta: still hexed. Yes, Hermione's curses are more long-lasting than a Death Eater's. Don't suppose Pomphrey, Flitwick or Dumbledore could have fixed those marks while they were fixing everybody else up in a trice, could they? Thought not.

*Btw, no clue what happened to Montague. Perhaps they just tossed him back into the closet to make room for the more deserving patients who fought at the MoM. ETA: Well, at least that had a purpose. A plot purpose, of course.

*Harry no longer cares about Cho because…well, because he never really cared about her. Shhh.

*Michael broke up with Ginny because she beat them at Quidditch. That's why Gryffindors have to date each other, because everyone else gets jealous of them.

*Now he's just "comforting" Cho, which nicely makes Michael sound shallow and Cho sound pathetic. Didn't he already like Cho?

*Is this, what, the fourth time Ginny has pronounced another person "sulky?" Sort of like her mom said Sirius was having a case of the sulks while he was possibly suffering from depression? Yeah, those Weasley women are just great. She and Harry will make such a fantastic couple.

*Ron suggests Ginny start doing Harry next. That's sweet, Ron. And by sweet I mean creepy and weird. Whichever one you hope to be screwing vicariously through the other, please just do them yourself. ETA: Perfect set-up to a year of Harry worrying Ron will kill him for wanting to date his sister.

*While Harry remains stuck in pre-pubescence place when it comes to courtship (he still hasn't gotten any farther than vaguely wanting to impress a girl), Ron has hurtled right over adolescence and is now an old married man trying to get his mate paired off and part of the family.

*Ginny's with Dean now, because she's too cool to be single for long. She tells Ron this "vaguely" to let us know it's so unimportant to her she's barely paying attention when she tells him. Do you get how super cool she is yet? Because you've only got a few more paragraphs left to catch on. At the same time, she's exactly the same girl who blushed and stammered when she had to admit she accepted a date to a dance last year.

*Harry wonders if he could just stubbornly sit in the train until September, not that that would be sulky or anything.

*God, Harry is so brave. In spite of his feelings, he gets down Hedwig's cage and leaves the train. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

*Only surprise! There's a whole gang of adults there to make it better by threatening the Dursleys, which will surely make them treat Harry much more warmly because they love being threatened by wizards.

*No mention of why these guys couldn't have shown up years ago if they're that effective. But then that might have come dangerously close to pampering.

*And btw, how many aurors does it take to meet the kid at the train and bully some Muggles? Shouldn't you guys be, like, out looking for Voldemort?

*"How are you?" asks Molly. "Fine," Harry lies. He's lying, you see, because he's not really fine at all! Woe! He just seems fine because he's walking around. He's dying inside, really.

*Tonks dresses very professionally.

*The Grangers are hugging Hermione, desperate for their two minutes of attention before she starts ignoring them again. Not two sentences later Hermione's "gently" disengaging herself from her mother to "join the group." That's it Hermione, stick with your real family.

*Vernon doesn't say anything because he's outnumbered two to one. The Gryffindors sure know how to handle these things--outnumbering is always great when you're doing it!

*The Order claims they'll hurt the Durlseys if they ever find out they've been horrible to Harry. Newsflash: The Dursleys have been nothing but horrible to Harry for 15 years.

*They remind the Order they'll know if they're mean to Harry. It still does not occur to Harry to ask why this couldn't have been handled years ago. I guess because...well, because Harry's not too bright that way. He's all about the short term.

*So I guess the Dursleys are all going to be really sweet to Harry in the next book, huh? Because they've been taken care of? Maybe the trouble is they already live in such a state of constant fear of wizards that this kind of thing doesn't make that much of an impression. Frightening them with tales of Sirius doesn't seem to have helped in the past.

*The Order has done the impossible. I actually find myself thinking it would be great if the Dursleys murdered Harry on the way home just to show them where their threats and intimidation got them. When I start finding you less sympathetic than the constantly abusive family bigots you might want to worry you're being insufferable. I mind the Dursleys, Snape and Draco less because they are bullies, pure and simple. It's the self-righteous bullies I can't stand, those who bully for the greater good.

*Luckily I hear we've been promised that Harry will, thank goodness, get "some of his own back" with Dudley in the next book. Because I was really worried my need to see Dudley suffer would go unfulfilled. ETA: Did JKR not know yet Dudley had had a completely turnaround and worshipped Harry now?

*Sniff Sniff. Harry just can't tell them what it means to him to know they're there at his side. Yes, Harry, you finally understand the security of being in a gang.

*Once again reminding us that he's middle-aged, Ron shakes Harry's hand good-bye.

*Ah, what a beautiful last image. Harry marching along with three Dursleys hurrying after him, several paces behind if they know what's good for them.

*Goodness, how will we ever top this chapter? In book IV we had three unarmed Slytherins hexed unconscious by 5 people. This year we had 3 Slytherins hexed beyond deformity by several more people, and 3 Muggles threatened by 7 adult wizards. How will next year's book end? “Unfortunately, Malfoy tried to take Harry's seat on the way home. Not only everyone aboard but the train itself rose up in fury as one to beat him and his friends into the ground. Then they backed the train up over them a few times before going to the station, where the twins beheaded Dudley and choked Vernon to death on his own genitals while Petunia squeaked about what the neighbors would think.”



Designated Hero
I don't know about you, but everyone giggling merrily over Umbridge's state and chasing her out like an angry mob certainly makes me feel like the wizarding world is a lot safer. And I'm glad Dumbledore's finally been seen as the hero he's been all along!

Idiot World
And the wizarding world is off again, doing whatever the papers tell them to do.

Informed Attributes
Vernon is not at all brave for standing up to a gang of wizards.

Jason's Rule of Explosive Endings
Hmm…do you think having Malfoy and Goyle's fathers jailed means we ought to follow up on that at all? Eh, just hex 'em again. That should take care of it.

Ken and Andrew's Rule of Plot Holes
You can't use the Time Turner. You just can't. Because I say so. They all got blowed up.

Nut o' Fun
Seriously, does the mirror vibrate when Harry's looking into it? Can you set it on flash?

Final score 6.0

Comments

[kaskait.livejournal.com]

Why does no one ever write stories where Goyle comes back after the summer having blossomed into a hottie? (He kind of does in the movie!)

LOL! That totally backfired on the movie people. Totally. They picked a nice plain kid actor for one of the baddies. A kid who didn't reach the level of kewpie cuteness that was the lead. But this plain boy came back to the set one day as a heartbreaker. Something that did not happen to the lead, might I add.

Rowling must be gnashing her teeth about it all. How dare he look adorable and be evil at the same time! It might make his unforgiveables look noble. Gasp!

[elanor-x.livejournal.com]

*Thoughts can leave deeper scars than anything else--with the obvious exception of any scar that happens to Harry. Oh, I hope Ron gets an interesting storyline due to that brain attack. ETA: Bwahahaha! What was I thinking?
May be those brains reminded Ron of his GoF subplot and made him relive it in DH.

*Umbridge seems to be quite unscathed except for the twigs in her hair. Which will always make me think of that girl who gets raped by the trees in Evil Dead.
I have read a wonderful short fic, which offers another interpretation of what happened to her in the forest, which I like more: http://www.fictionalley.org/authors/ayla_pascal/MH01a.html

*ETA: Back when this book came out, everyone was expecting a huge drop in social status for Draco due to his being unmasked as a child of a DE. They didn't know Slytherin.
Have you heard that JKR said in one of her interviews about some Slytherins staying for the final battle to fight on Harry's side? Of course, we haven't heard a word about it in the books. I guess those mysterious good Slytherins stopped associating with him, but they were sufficiently outnumbered by the evil ones for Harry not to notice that.

ETA: WTF WAS THE POINT OF GRAWP??
I have just understood that! He was one giant Nut o'Fun. How could you miss JKR's talent as a comic writer?

I mind the Dursleys, Snape and Draco less because they are bullies, pure and simple. It's the self-righteous bullies I can't stand, those who bully for the greater good.
I don't believe you talked about not standing bullying for the greater good 2 books before it was revealed as D's slogan for taking over the world. You probably could imagine it even less than Harry being The Chosen One the following year.

Part 1

[soldforasmile.livejournal.com]

Hi! I've actually lurked on this journal for a little while, and I really enjoy the reviews, but this is the first time I've actually commented. :D

*Makes you wonder why they didn't just hit everybody with that curse, doesn't it? But everyone must be injured differently. DEs are creative that way. Next you'll be wondering why they didn't just freeze everybody right off.

Fighting is portrayed as so ineffective in these books. That’s one of the things I’ve always found a little strange in the series, the lack of variety in the spells or curses they use when fighting for the most part. Even the adult wizards mostly rely on spells that the kids learn about by the time they’re 15. I mean, the wizarding world is savage and violent as it is, you’d think we’d see some fairly nasty things coming from both sides of the fight. Avada kedavra and crucio are efficient, sure (if they ever manage to hit their target, which they often don’t), but if the DEs are as cruel and frightening as they’re supposed to be, you’d think they’d get a little more inventive – we’ve seen from Snape’s Secumsempra that it’s possible to be creative and inventive with spells. You’d think Bellatrix, at least, would be all over that – making people’s guts boil and the like, haha.

*Btw, how exactly did they figure out that clip-clop noises terrorized her? I guess that's how they've been amusing themselves in the infirmary? Has anyone tried sneaking up to Neville's parents and yelling "Crucio!" to see if they're sulking?

LOL. I imagine Neville’s grandmother making a game of it for him, like scaring someone out of the hiccups. They’ll snap right out of it! And even better, it’s practice for him when he turns into super warrior!Neville.

*Everyone finds this prophecy shocking except the audience. You'd think Ron would be the first to say the Prophecy's been obvious since first year.

Nah, it was all in good fun until then – now they have to take fighting Voldemort seriously. He clearly hasn’t been, since he continually gets his ass kicked by middle school children. Good thing they know he won’t attack until the end of the next school year, so they can spend most of it doing absolutely nothing to prepare.

*ETA: Of course Grawp is now grateful to Hagrid for dragging him to civilization and saving him from his heathen ways.

Isn’t it just the Wizard’s Burden? They have to do everything – civilize the giants, enslave the elves, segregate the centaurs, etc.

*Harry is worried that if Hagrid finds Grawp his "lady friend" there will be two giants in the forest. Somebody really needs to sit Harry down and explain to him that when a boy giant and his lady friend love each other very much it results in more than two giants.

If there’s anything I’d love to see Hagrid do, it’s give Harry the sex talk; either that, or see Sirius and Lupin in a joint effort to explain it. He clearly still doesn’t understand it by book six with his chest monster.

*ETA: Though come to think of it, I doubt Sirius would have wanted to die this stupidly. James is probably teasing him about it in the afterlife as we speak. Being that the afterlife is just like this life and so nothing to fear at all once you get used to ignoring the crying babies.

Haha, yes. Not that James is much better, really, pretty much just offering himself up as a moving target to Voldemort without even having his wand out (if I remember correctly). I bet they get the biggest kicks out of making fun of Lupin, though, for getting killed something like thirty seconds before the war is over.

*Harry can't attend the feast because he just knows he'll be mentioned in the speech, just like last year. Don't suppose anybody else has ever been mentioned in a speech. Are there no other students that ever do anything noteworthy besides helping Harry or getting killed near Harry? For everybody who watches LOST, I'm beginning to think like Arnzt: You know, there are 1000 other people at this school and they all do stuff too! (I miss Arnzt.)

Ahaha, yes. Harry’s totally Jack by the way, with his manly tears and his hero complex (and his daddy issues). I think that might make Draco Sawyer.

Part 2

[soldforasmile.livejournal.com]

*Harry finally finds the mirror. Question: if Harry had tried to use the mirror, how would Sirius know Harry was looking into it? Does it ring like a cell phone? ETA: Sometimes it works by plot contrivance.

One of those things in the books that’s good in theory, but in practice doesn’t seem like it would work properly.

*Also apparently you can't use the Time Turner to save him because Time Turners are SO third book and thankfully just destroyed because they were all in one room. Not that this crosses Harry's mind at all either.

I can’t even think about the existence of Time Turners without getting a headache. In all honesty, to save herself the humongous plothole, it would have been easier to just give them a different way to save Sirius in PoA than start in with the complications of time travel that she had no intentions of following through with.

* You'll meet again in Heaven, Harry, and don't worry, Heaven is properly divided into three sections for the Hogwarts houses. (Obviously the Slytherins won't be there at all.)

Or at least the Slytherins that should never have been Slytherins (ones with souls) will be reincarnated so they can get it right this time and choose Gryffindor.

*Hermione is reading the Prophet again, implying it's now more credible, even though it's still full of utter rubbish.

I find it funny that the WW’s biggest and most influential newspaper is more akin to the Enquirer or some other trashy tabloid than the New York Times or something similar. I mean, we’re supposed to see the Quibbler in that tabloid way, but considering how the Daily Prophet is portrayed, I can’t really discern the two all that much so the comparison is ineffective.

*Marietta: still hexed. Yes, Hermione's curses are more long-lasting than a Death Eater's. Don't suppose Pomphrey, Flitwick or Dumbledore could have fixed those marks while they were fixing everybody else up in a trice, could they? Thought not.

Something permanent, seemingly painful, and completely underhanded and this isn’t considered Dark Magic?

*Yes, Hermione remains up-to-date on all the school gossip that Harry never hears a peep of. Either she managed to drop by the girl's room while she was laid up in the infirmary, or she's got the place bugged.

Well, she has to reinforce the gender roles here; Hermione’s a girl and therefore a natural gossip.

*Is this, what, the fourth time Ginny has pronounced another person "sulky?" Sort of like her mom said Sirius was having a case of the sulks while he was possibly suffering from depression?

Their world doesn’t seem to acknowledge things like depression and mental illness, even though they really should, and just brush it off as moodiness. You’d think we’d see quite a few more shell-shocked or PTSD symptoms in this world, but we only ever get the Longbottoms and oddly enough, Umbridge. This is probably why wizards fly off the handle so often.

*Ginny's with Dean now, because she's too cool to be single for long.

Ginny’s supposed to be the avatar of girl power in the books, but really, she just bounces from one boyfriend to another until Harry realizes their love is true.

*And btw, how many aurors does it take to meet the kid at the train and bully some Muggles? Shouldn't you guys be, like, out looking for Voldemort?

I’d love to see an Auror job description, it’s something more along the lines of: morning consisted of chauffeuring Harry Potter, threatening his Muggle family, taking his owl to be groomed, fighting Dark Lord after lunch, then pouring Harry Potter his evening bubble bath. Clearly you need top grades for this.

*Once again reminding us that he's middle-aged, Ron shakes Harry's hand good-bye.

Ron has the most bizarre way of never acting his age. Either he’s acting like he forty and married, or he acting like he’s four and has never seen the outside world before.

[tabaquis.livejournal.com]

*Neville's plant is even more disturbingly like a penis on the return trip. It's no longer shooting off unexpectedly, but now croons when touched. There's a reason Neville has few friends.

I love Neville, but this literally had me face-down on my mousepad howling with laughter for several minutes. Thanks!

So Much Snark! So Little Time! (Part 1)

[montavilla.livejournal.com]

*ETA: Not that this will make anyone suspect Voldemort's taken over the government in DH. The Wizarding World needs several hits with the clue bat before anything really sinks in.

Which is why it's so nice of Voldemort to give them an extra two years to get used to the idea. Voldemort: The Most Considerate Evil Overlord in History.

*Hey, now that everyone's listening to you, do you think this is a good time to clear Sirius' name? Sirius. Sirius Black. Remember?

But why? He's dead. It's not like dead people need to be honored for their sacrifices.

*Hermione wins the prize for coolest injury. Watch her stoic wince as her ribs CONTINUE TO PAIN HER. But don't forget that the curse was even more badass than we see, because the guy was not able to speak. So Hermione, as cool as she seems, is in reality EVEN COOLER.

And, she gets all the coolness of a life-threatening injury without any inconvenient scars. Scars are only cool on guys, not girls.

*Makes you wonder why they didn't just hit everybody with that curse, doesn't it? But everyone must be injured differently. DEs are creative that way. Next you'll be wondering why they didn't just freeze everybody right off.

Or use that handy spell that ties people up and gags them. That might have worked, too.

*Umbridge seems to be quite unscathed except for the twigs in her hair. Which will always make me think of that girl who gets raped by the trees in Evil Dead.

For some reason, I always think of Hedda Gabbler. "Come to me with vine-leaves in your hair, Eilert Loveburg."

* Um, Dumbledore and JKR were all superior about Voldemort making the prophecy come true but isn't Dumbledore doing that as well? And why believe anything the Ministry does anyway? Truthiness FTW again.

I have a theory about that. I think that the prophecies don't come true unless they are "triggered" by one of the participants trying to thwart it. That's why Snape was allowed to take half the prophecy to Voldemort. It was all a trap that Dumbledore set up. Had Snape not been there, Dumbledore might have had to tell the prophecy to Harry and Neville later on and hope one of them decided to act on it.

*Harry feels a rush of hatred when Snape appears beyond anything he felt towards Malfoy. So, if we're keeping track, this hatred goes beyond the hatred for Malfoy, but is it more or less than the hatred Harry feels for Umbridge, Voldemort, Lucius or Bellatrix?

Harry's hatred for Snape is sort of like that boa contrictor in the Little Prince who swallows an elephant. Small at the front end, growing to huge proportions in the middle, and then tapering off to a tiny little tail.

*Ah, here comes McGonagall, who is a Gryffindor, so also had her injuries taken seriously in the text. Just in time, she awards everybody points back. Phew! The house cup contest is totally fair again!

Allow me to indulge in a short rant.

These house points are completely unfair! Yeah, all right, Harry and Co are heroes for fighting Death Eaters and alerting the Ministry about Voldemort. So, give them Orders of Merlin. But House points? From the point of view of the school, this is what they did:

1. Broke into the Headmistresses office to place an unauthorized floo call.
2. Hexed students who were performing their responsibility as student authorities.
3. Caused harm to the Headmistress by luring her out into the forest, where she was assaulted by centaurs.
4. Stealing six thestrals from the school herd.
5. Running away from school without permission.

They deserved detentions or expulsion.

* Are there no other students that ever do anything noteworthy besides helping Harry or getting killed near Harry? For everybody who watches LOST, I'm beginning to think like Arnzt: You know, there are 1000 other people at this school and they all do stuff too! (I miss Arnzt.)

I miss Arnzt, too! He was great. I was so happy when he appeared in the "Exposed" episode. (He was like LOST's tribute to the Professor on Gilligan's Island. He was probably working on a clam shell telephone in his tent.)

So Much Snark! So Little Time! (Part 2)

[montavilla.livejournal.com]

*Harry finally finds the mirror. Question: if Harry had tried to use the mirror, how would Sirius know Harry was looking into it? Does it ring like a cell phone? ETA: Sometimes it works by plot contrivance.

It doesn't matter if it rings or not. Sirius did nothing but sit in front of that mirror, drinking firewhiskey, just in case Harry appeared.

*It does not occur to Harry to say, “Damn, I could have used this stupid thing to talk to Sirius all along.” Seriously, it really doesn't!

[note to Jo: About the moment in this chapter when Harry realizes he could have contacted Sirius with the mirror months ago, and never been lured to the Ministry at all? You might want to re-think that, as it could alert reader to the fact that this plotline is completely bogus. Sincerely, your editor.]

* Yes, Hermione remains up-to-date on all the school gossip that Harry never hears a peep of. Either she managed to drop by the girl's room while she was laid up in the infirmary, or she's got the place bugged.

It's so odd, because Hermione never seems to even talk to other girls. I get this image of Hermione huddling in the stalls in the girls' bathroom, listening in on those anonymous gangs of girls giggling and gossiping--things she's too mature to actually participate in.

*Harry no longer cares about Cho because…well, because he never really cared about her. Shhh.

He cared a lot about her! Until he discovered that she came with feelings.

*And btw, how many aurors does it take to meet the kid at the train and bully some Muggles? Shouldn't you guys be, like, out looking for Voldemort?

It's no good the Ministry looking for Voldemort. Harry is the only person who can deal with him! Really! It's not like anyone else in the world--say, the two Dark Arts experts who haven't died from the D.A.D.A. position, or that underemployed cursebreaker would come in handy for that task. Or heck, even the two CoMC experts hanging around Hogwarts who might know how to deal with giant snakes. Gotta be Harry.


*The Grangers are hugging Hermione, desperate for their two minutes of attention before she starts ignoring them again. Not two sentences later Hermione's "gently" disengaging herself from her mother to "join the group." That's it Hermione, stick with your real family.

JKR must be aware of how this comes off, right? That we see how Hermione goes from viewing her parents as authority figures to her pets that she can send off to a kennel Australia when she can't take care of them, right?

*The Order claims they'll hurt the Durlseys if they ever find out they've been horrible to Harry. Newsflash: The Dursleys have been nothing but horrible to Harry for 15 years.

In that guilty pleasure Snape fic I mentioned (where everyone in the world tells off Dumbledore), Snape is told to deal with the Dursleys. And he does. In exactly one letter in which he neither threatens nor insults anybody.

But, I must say, there's nothing to indicate that the Dursleys are horrible to Harry after this point. All they do in HBP is fail to prepare for the guest Harry didn't tell them was coming. In DH, Dursley's leaving Harry offerings--like you might for Buddha or something.

*Sniff Sniff. Harry just can't tell them what it means to him to know they're there at his side. Yes, Harry, you finally understand the security of being in a gang.

Which is entirely different than Snape feeling secure with the Death Eater gang. Because the Death Eaters are evil. They bully kids from other houses, unlike--oh, well, never mind...

You can't use the Time Turner. You just can't. Because I say so. They all got blowed up.

And, somehow, we lost all the instructions on making any more. Just like we can't find the recipe for Felix Felicis.

First time of word count excess! Part one

[aasaylva.livejournal.com]

*Everyone must be terrified to learn the DEs actually managed to gain access to the MOM, that being so difficult and involving a request to be let in and a badge, after all.
OMG yes. Even back in the day when OotP came out and I really liked the series, I found this puzzling. Why would Voldy be reluctant to go to the ministery himself if six kids got in WITHOUT the least bit of difficulty? I mean, it wasn't even like in PS where they had to negotiate their way through several security measures. They just walked in and for quite some time, I kept waiting for some sort of explanation, but alas...

*Hermione wins the prize for coolest injury. Watch her stoic wince as her ribs CONTINUE TO PAIN HER.
If I am not mistaken, this was in fact the sectumsempra curse, only without the slashing because she silenced him. So I want you to remember this in no way could mean, that Malfoy suffered like she did. Probably wailed in the hospital wing like the wimpering coward he is!

*Makes you wonder why they didn't just hit everybody with that curse, doesn't it? But everyone must be injured differently. DEs are creative that way.
Of course. In fact, there is no reason why they wouldn't just kill every kid who hasn't got the prophecy - they certainly are not hindered by any moral restraints. The only time when I can imagine the DE to use different curses is for entertainment, when they've got someone in their dungeon and make a night of it. But at the DoM? Ridiculous.

*Umbridge seems to be quite unscathed except for the twigs in her hair. Which will always make me think of that girl who gets raped by the trees in Evil Dead.
*She appears to be in shock, but Ginny calls it sulking. Because only good people like Neville's parents can be in shock.
*ETA: How did I read this scene and not see that Ginny is warm and compassionate?
Well, first of all, you should know by now that pain (both physical and psychological) always is proportionally inverse to the evilness of people. The inner place where good people feel pain, they just ooze bad things from. So Umbridge couldn't have suffered, she is incapable of it.
Secondly, Ginny IS warm and compassionate, but she can't possibly put herself into Umbridges place because if she was ever abducted by centaurs, they would make her Queen Titania of the forbidden forest. Bad things only happen to ugly women, you know.

*Btw, how exactly did they figure out that clip-clop noises terrorized her? I guess that's how they've been amusing themselves in the infirmary? Has anyone tried sneaking up to Neville's parents and yelling "Crucio!" to see if they're sulking?
LOL! I wouldn't be surprised if the St Mungo staff totally DID that.

Grubbly-Plank can just piss off!
Well, she isn't needed for his pissing contest with voldy. So why would he hire her? It's not like he is running a school, for heaven's sake.

*Maybe kicking some Slytherin arse would make him feel better. Ah, Draco! So glad you're here...
LOL! I don't think there ever was another moment in canon that was more like the fanon cliché of "enraged Harry slamming Draco against the wall and changing to frantic groping between two punches".

*Yes, Voldemort was just a warm-up to you three. Not that I actually fought Voldemort. In fact I was a goner.
It's PS all over again. Harry couldn't do anything, not even run away which somehow transformed into facing down the enemy. If it wasn't so vain a hope, I'd say Rowling tried to show (not tell!) how history is written by the winning side...

The house cup contest is totally fair again!
Has anybody ever asked rowling how these points are measured? Is there a book somewhere where it says how much some act deserves? Because it sounds totally arbitrary to me. Oh wait, might better call that impressionistic. Makes me wonder how Rowling decided on marking her pupils' work at school.

Part two

[aasaylva.livejournal.com]

*And now Hagrid is thinking of kidnapping some female giant and breeding him like a bull.
Well that's a sign he truely cared. Look what the author did with her favourite character (epilogue of in-breeding).

Unless it's the second Voldemort war, in which case it's everyone's duty to stay home.
This is SO weird. Gryffindors are expected to put their family first. When Slyths do the same, they shouldn't! Though one might point out it needed a lot more courage to stay at home with Molly and Tonks then with Narcissa. So the Gryff-men went for what was right and definitly not easy.

And now we know that the after-Sirius part is kind of generally happier. And involves even less thinking about Sirius.
Remember all the post-OotP-fanfics where Harry suffered terribly because of the Sirius trauma? Developped severe psychological problems? Got moved into completely different directions? Mwahaha - just needed two weeks of sulking - um grieving and all was well! Because Sirius would have wanted it! Because sirius wasn't a Gryffindor and thus wasn't given to melodramatic woe-is-me angsting!

*So you become a ghost by being a coward.
Whaat I don't see is how there can be a Gryffindor ghost in the first place, then.

Heaven is properly divided into three sections for the Hogwarts houses. (Obviously the Slytherins won't be there at all.
This made me think of Rose's mother in Titanic, asking if the life boats were divided according to class. Which they were not, but Muggles just are not that advanced.

I, for one, am just grateful Harry made it through this frightening encounter in one piece!
I, for one, am grateful the movie people decided against giving us this mobbing scene. Makes you wonder about a moral tale which needs to be humanized by Hollywood...

Hermione tells us Cho's going out with someone else (obviously she never loved Harry!!!)
Of course it might be that Marietta had told Cho to just go out with Harry in order to make Michael realize she was his one true love and that's why he dumped Ginny.

Sort of like her mom said Sirius was having a case of the sulks while he was possibly suffering from depression? Yeah, those Weasley women are just great.
Well, you need a certain coarseness if you want to survive a relationship with an egocentric like Harry. Arthur wasn't up to his manly task of browbeating his wife into submission like he should have. She would have loved him for it.

*Ron suggests Ginny start doing Harry next. That's sweet, Ron. And by sweet I mean creepy and weird. Whichever one you hope to be screwing vicariously through the other, please just do them yourself. ETA: Perfect set-up to a year of Harry worrying Ron will kill him for wanting to date his sister.
OMG yes. I mean, I could buy Ron offering his sister like some sort of candy to his best mate - it's the way he seems to think about girls in general. But WTF was rowling thinking when she made Harry angst over it the next year? If anything, he should have worried about Ron's reaction if he rejected Ginny.

[cressida0201.livejournal.com]

Hey, now that everyone's listening to you, do you think this is a good time to clear Sirius' name? Sirius. Sirius Black. Remember?

You know, when Sirius was introduced in PoA, I was soooo sure that his story arc for the series would involve getting his name cleared. Even when he was killed, I assumed that would still be the end of his story. Why else do you introduce a wrongly convicted mass-murderer, after all? I can't understand how JKR didn't feel the pull of that resolution, but she seems to have been immune. Or maybe she'd just forgotten about it by the time she wrote OotP.

ETA: How did I read this scene and not see that Ginny is warm and compassionate?

*snort*!

Everyone finds this prophecy shocking except the audience.

Even the first time I read OotP, when I still really liked the series, I thought the prophecy was disappointing and everyone's reactions were overdone. But I thought JKR was setting us up for a surprise, because I figured there was no way the prophecy could really mean anything so obvious as what it said. Ah, those were the days.

You'd think Ron would be the first to say the Prophecy's been obvious since first year.

Book 1 Ron would probably have been capable of saying that. Book 5+ Ron, however, isn't capable of doing more than listening with mouth open.

And Sirius can't be a ghost either, oh woe woe woe.

This really struck me as misdirected answering the first time I read it. I suppose it was good to anticipate the readers' questions, because I know someone would have asked about this, but the scene between Harry and NHN just felt like it had been jammed into the narrative for the express purpose of getting that point out there. It could have been handled much more gracefully, possibly even in Book 6.

Hermione remains up-to-date on all the school gossip that Harry never hears a peep of.

Obviously, she gets it all from those other two Gryffindor girls who are never named.

Yes, Hermione's curses are more long-lasting than a Death Eater's.

Not necessarily; it could be just that nobody in the universe is willing to un-hex Marietta. Being constructs of JKR's, I'm sure they all agree that she deserved what she got.

(Actually, this was the best reason I could come up with for why injuries sometimes last/show bruises and sometimes don't. A while ago, I once played the school nurse in a Potterverse RPG; it was set in the 1920s, so the nurse wasn't Poppy Pomfrey. Anyway, she usually wouldn't mend minor things like bruises and black eyes, because they would heal on their own and she often felt that they would provide useful lessons to the kids who got them that some actions have consequences.)

[jodel-from-aol.livejournal.com]

Oh! Phooey, phooey, phooey!

I completely overlooked something that ought to have jumped up and bit us as soon as it became clear that Yaxley was *probably* the "brutal-faced" DE on top of the tower.

Because unless he has a brother, the DE on top of the tower was the one that Harry stunned in the escape.

He was *captured*, in other words. What is he doing running around the Ministry Imperioing the head of the Auror division?

Yes, I know that there's been another Azkban breakout, but Lucius is not running around in public making up to Fudge.

Can anyone offer convincing evidence that "Brutal-Face" on the tower was NOT Yaxley?