An Excess of Phlegm

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*Phlegm. Oh joy. I know who’s coming.

*Molly wasn’t expecting DD and Harry until morning, but Slughorn was more persuadable than DD thought. Apparently he thought Harry was going to have to sleep with the guy to get him to teach. Dodged a bullet there, Harry.

*Tonks already looks drawn and ill and is huddled over a cup clutched in her hands. Harry, who is the one actually grieving the loss of someone important (allegedly) looks fine. I’m going to assume this is because Tonks has inherited the Black constitution; otherwise it’s a bit much, isn’t it?

*Not that blood means anything, of course.

*ETA: Seriously, wtf with Tonks? She honestly doesn't seem cut out to be an Auror. I'm not criticizing her for being emotional, but first she's mainly there to be cool and kid-like and a spaz, then her distress over either being dumped or dealing with a loved one in danger is so OTT it's visible to even Harry--and actually effects her talents. Then she seems to just be an expectant mother unaware of the actual state of her marriage (not that she couldn't also be an Auror since they have nothing to do during the war). Then she goes running off after her husband again and gets killed. I don't think this makes her a bad feminist character or anything (God knows the men are just as flakey), but she just doesn't seem that serious about her career compared to the others.

*Harry suddenly realizes how hungry he is. Hunger is a low priority for our hero. Unlike some people who shall remain nameless. And fat.

*Hermione’s arrived the day before yesterday, for no reason I can see except she’s afraid if left alone for a whole summer Ron might meet some nice Pureblood girl and decide to give her Hermione’s coveted Weasley Wife space. Which would make it, what, a whole week and a half after she had to pry her mother off her at the station? I guess her tolerance for the Muggles has just gotten lower.

*ETA: I'll bet she spent that week and a half starting her study of memory-stealing charms. That's why she tells Ron and Harry she's never done them in DH. She trained herself to lie about it.

*Molly, given five minutes to talk on her own, uses it to offer another reason Arthur hasn’t had the career she wanted him to have that has nothing to do with Arthur himself and everything to do with other people being unfair. ETA: I'm sure the Death Eaters he'll work for next year won't appreciate him either!

*Molly also seems to think that Arthur’s getting a promotion after, like, 25 years and only because they just created a bunch of new offices that needed staffing pronto, is proof that he really is a high-flier. Unlike Percy, who was promoted just to get close to the pulse of Wizarding Secret Intelligence that is Arthur Weasley.

*However clueless she is about her family, Molly does retain her sense about Mundungus Fletcher. And she knows Muggle stuff is still rubbish.

*The Weasley’s clock has everyone in mortal peril. I guess this is supposed to tell us what a bad state the WW is in. Unfortunately it only serves to show how useless the Weasley’s clock is, and make you wonder if they noticed Ginny in mortal peril back in CoS. ETA: Yes, that does go on the list of magic too powerful to not blow huge holes in the plot.

*ETA: Mortal peril? Not so much.

*Arthur stops being in mortal peril when he’s traveling. So I guess everyone would be safe if they just kept moving all the time.

*Btw, controlling much? That clock would get old real quick, wouldn’t it? “Where did you go between six-thirty and six-forty eight? You were traveling, then you were in mortal peril for three minutes, then you traveled again!”

*Arthur and Molly have their Mollywobbles exchange, reminding us that although they’re Very Important in the Fight Against Voldemort, they’re still basically idiots.

*Mr. Weasley’s thin, huh? I always pictured him being more like the guy in the movie. I'm sure we've been told this before and I forgot. Which is weird because of course he's thin--they've got the whole funny Jack Sprat marriage going on.

*Arthur insists Fred and George wouldn’t do anything to cause trouble now that everyone’s really in danger. Arthur, like many people, clings to an unrealistically ethical view of the twins. God I hope this comes to something in the last book.

*ETA: Of course it didn't. Unless you count Fred dying for heroically standing next to a wall and George inheriting a girl he went to dance with in high school the love of Fred's life and naming a child after him something.

*Heh. Harry gets the twins’ room to himself while Hermione the girl has to bunk with Ginny. I think it’s clear who’s more important in this house Miss Unchosen Female Muggleborn One. Provide me with some grandbabies and then maybe we’ll talk. If you’re good you can bring Harry up his breakfast in bed on a tray in the morning.

*ETA: I can totally picture Arthur promoting his exotic half-blood grandchildren around, btw. Half-blood is the new Pureblood, people!

*The hands of the clock are once again at mortal peril. It’s the Tell Don’t Show clock.

*The twins’ room smells like gunpowder covered up with flowers, which has got to be a hundred times better than what Harry’s room smells like at home. Also it covers up that love potion smell!

*Harry just knows Hedwig is waiting to see him before she goes out hunting, as if they didn’t have this totally passive-aggressive relationship in the last book.

*ETA: A passive-aggressive relationship that ends with Harry painting a target on her back and carrying her into the sky in DH. Hmmm...

*Hermione’s looking at Harry as if he’s sickening for something, waiting for strange symptoms to appear, searching for signs of grief. Well, you can hardly blame her given that Tonks’ boyfriend troubles have turned her into a Victorian consumptive in just a few weeks.

*Molly reckons Harry looks underfed. ::sigh:: He’s just a growing boy. And don’t worry, Harry, Molly can stuff you with food for years and you’ll stay looking exactly the same. ETA: Yes, that includes your hair. You've earned that hairline!

*Slughorn looks like a walrus, says Harry, referring strictly to his moustache, I assume, and not his body. Notice he’s not so mean as to say he’s enormously fat. Only the narrator is so crass as to mention that.

*Oh joy, here comes Ginny. For her first line, she announces that Fleur Delacour is worse than Umbridge and is driving her mad. She and Hermione both agree Fleur is full of herself and don’t like her defended. I was once challenged on my assertion that the only things I could ever remember Ginny saying about people other than the characters we know were negative, so I’m looking forward to proving myself right. Right off the bat.

*ETA: Fleur will be so much more likeable when she starts doing dishes.

*Hee. Not to pick on Harmonians, but I still find it hilarious that in that re-written H/Hr HBP in the scene where Harry pulls up the covers so that Ginny and Hermione slide off the bed to the floor, the author rewrote it so Ginny slid to the floor but Hermione hopped lightly to her dainty Mary Sue feet.

*Fleur arrives and immediately proves that she’s full of herself by speaking in a Pepe La Peu accent and carrying a heavy breakfast tray up the stairs to Harry. Mrs. Weasley’s pissed. She wanted to bring up the tray. Suddenly I have a vision of Mrs. Weasley sitting beside Harry all night watching him sleep, making sure her place in his life isn’t challenged.

*Harry’s cheeks burn when Fleur kisses him, yet there are no pants monsters to be seen as he notes that Fleur is perfection. That’s cause teenaged boys only feel attraction to girls they might marry someday. ETA: Seriously, only if they're Ron they do. It's part of what makes him an idiot.

*Let’s pause and laugh at the women and how catty and jealous they are. And this is only the beginning.

*Wow, that “cooking and chickens” comment was so rude. Totally more rude than the way all the female characters have been barely concealing their dislike of Fleur and making it clear they wish she wasn’t marrying Bill. She totally deserves Ginny’s awesome nickname.

*ETA: Eventually Fleur will figure out that cooking, at least, is totally awesome and a great way to spend the war.

*Btw, Phlegm? That’s the best you could do off of Fleur Delacour? You might not want to open that door Gingivitis. Your name is like two letters away from being the name of a Dutch traditional liquor.

*Ginny calls Fleur a cow. Which is what Pansy Parkinson is too, in case you’re keeping track.

*Hermione thinks Ron is pathetic for being open to Veela charms. Notice that Harry continues to be impervious, noting the good condition of Fleur’s hair while not being attracted to her.

*Is Ron’s attraction to Fleur supposed to speak badly of him? Like, remember how Mr. Weasley said Veelas taught you not to go for looks alone? Is Ron’s being more of a straight boy than Harry supposed to show why he’d go for someone like Lavender instead of falling at Hermione’s intelligent feet immediately? Because you might want to think twice before wishing he’d act more gay heroic like Harry!

*ETA: Given that DH was still trying to push the idea that Hermione's low opinion of Ron's general competence=Ron's low opinion of Hermione's looks, I think that actually is what this is about. Which is sad, because they just can't compare. Hermione actually is pretty.

*Well, this scene is just a brilliant send-up of female stupidity. Ron points out the sad but true fact that bringing Tonks to dinner would probably not turn Bill’s head away from Fleur and Hermione and Ginny show they’ve forgotten Fleur is intelligent because she’s pretty. (Only Ginny can be both drop dead gorgeous and perfect in every other way as well. Ginny is just smart enough.)

*Also I kind of love Ron for so bluntly stating that Tonks doing stupid things to her hair and nose isn’t attractive. Not that I have a problem with anyone dying her hair pink if she chooses, or think someone with pink hair can’t be attractive, but I found OotP-Tonks kind of childish and tedious and I like Ron’s basically being unimpressed with the attention-getting stuff.

*I also kind of love Ron for revealing he’s checked Tonks out, since God knows Harry never would.

*Remember how all the hints about there being a weapon in OotP made the prophecy a let-down? Kind of the same with linking Sirius to Tonks’ problems in HBP. ETA: And that's even before we know the true end to Tonks' story. The woman needs to create a war orphan.

*ETA: What's funny is that because there's no actual war the author is reduced to creating her orphan by having a new mother chase her husband into a melee.

*Hermione considers Sirius being Tonks’ cousin reason he’d matter to her. Somehow I doubt she’d see the same bond between Sirius and any of his “bad” cousins. ETA: God knows she wouldn't feel that way about any Muggle cousins she herself had.

*LOL. Harry asks how Tonks managed to “work out” that she’s responsible for Sirius’ death. Oh, about the same way you came to the conclusion it was Snape’s fault, Harry. Iow, irrationally.

*Note that nobody in this conversation seems to be making the connection between Survivor Guilt and Harry, even to carefully avoid the suggestion. Even though Harry totally did have a part in luring Sirius to his death. Not that I hold Harry responsible, but it's weird that it's not an issue.

*Does Hermione have any basis for thinking Tonks feels responsible for Sirius’ death, btw? Or have she and Ginny both just made up totally wrong motivations for the women they’re talking about? (Ginny thinks Molly’s trying to get Tonks and Bill together, Hermione thinks Tonks is suffering from survivor’s guilt?) Did Remus throw Hermione off the track? By seeming gay, perhaps?

*PS-GoF Ginny would never have yelled, “I’m talking to this lot!” Just saying.

*Btw, Hermione, get used to helping with the lunch yourself. You won’t be a guest forever. You’ll be in the kitchen with the womenfolk doing the cooking soon enough.

*ETA: LOL! I had no idea how much that was going to prove true in DH. Get Ron and Harry a sammich, woman! And wash those underpants!

*Mrs. Weasley’s starting lunch while Harry’s still eating breakfast. To review: the house where cooking and eating never stops is not the house that produced Dudley. I’m not, btw, trying to claim the Weasleys eat to much, just noting all the conflicting attitudes about food and weight. It's like even food can tell the elect from the damned.

*Ginny does a childish imitation of Fleur doing ballet and swings her own long fabulous mane around. Which she does anyway, but see, when Ginny’s hair whips around it’s gravity. With Fleur it’s her innate cow-ness.

*ETA: As much as I hate the H/G, it will be a relief when she catches him so she can stop her relentless show of personality and settle into being the mother-to-be waiting at home.

*Dumbledore says it’s far easier for people to forgive others for being wrong than being right, says Hermione, implying that of course this could only apply to Percy and not the other half of the argument. Isn’t it interesting the way when we have an argument the other person is always the one who was misguided and stupid?

*Blimey, private lessons with Dumbledore, thinks Ron. Don’t get your hopes up Ron. They’re not so much lessons as Dumbledore inviting Harry to his office to watch Days of Our Dark Lord with him.

*ETA: And old episodes of Eastenders would be about as relevent to defeating Voldemort.

*Ron and Hermione are looking at Harry, frightened and amazed. Like how Pansy Parkinson will later be looking at Draco. Cow.

*ETA: You can only feel sorry for Ron and Hermione here. Those frightened and amazed looks will turn to stares of boredom all too soon.

*Hermione seems to have gotten a magical black eye, because bruises don’t actually appear that fast. ETA: A wonder if Wizards are actually Muggle/'Toon hybrids...

*Hermione shows how she’s been dreaming about Harry learning violent stuff to do—I’m sorry, anti-violent stuff. Especially that anti-life counter-jinx that’s going to kill Voldemort. ETA: I love that that's exactly what he did use to kill him: an anti-life counter-jinx.

*Too bad Hermione didn't get to watch the Crucio, though.

*Yeah yeah, Harry feels a warm glow that Ron and Hermione didn’t shrink away from him when they found out he’s an even cooler than they thought. Uh huh.

*Good thing, too, since Hermione's the one who's going to be doing everything as always.

*When I read this the first time I was embarrassingly excited to see the OWL results. I'm not even sure why.

*Mrs. Weasley tries to fix Hermione’s black eye, but it won’t come off. “But it’s got to come off,” Hermione squeaks. “I can’t go around looking like this forever!” That Marietta story better resolve itself in a good way, JKR. ETA: And by "good" I did not mean "eventually she'll be forgotten, leaving behind only the rosy glow of true justice!

*Hermione says she did no good in the DADA practical—so is she really supposed to be bad at that kind of stuff? I sort of like if she is, even if it’s just to make sure Harry shines in it. There’s some suggestion that Harry threw off the curve so damn much he was the only O in the entire WW that year.

*ETA: Actually, Hermione really isn't bad at this stuff. There's times where it seems like she should be, but since Hermione's always needed to do absolutely everything, and because there's really little difference between learning magic and doing it, Hermione's "E" is completely arbitrary.

*Fleur has two completely normal lines in the scene, one of which annoys Hermione, the other of which is cut off by Hermione. But she says these lines serenely and complacently so obviously she’s still a big cow. Too bad Percy’s gone. They might enjoy being a team of Weasley Adverb Villains.

*At Smeeth we ‘ad a different way of doing things. I think eet was better. If wee passed out in ze middle of an exam, we could make eet up.

*Ron failed History of Magic too, without passing out. Either Ron is the biggest Harry-follower ever and failed for solidarity or I’m going to assume Harry was lucky to pass out because it gave him a cool excuse for failing.

*ETA: I'm going to bet Ron's test wasn't actually graded. They just graded Harry's and then just graded Ron a little worse at everything.

*Hermione would have been disappointed even if she got 11 O’s. Which is why nobody should ever want to be Hermione.

*It’s the Aurors’ job to catch and kill Voldemort? Really? You wouldn’t know it from the way they just seem to guard Harry until he can do it.

*ETA: Seriously, if there's one thing it *isn't* an Auror's job to do, it's catch Voldemort. That's kind of nobody's job.

*So is Harry really going to become an Auror? Presumably he’ll kill Voldemort before he gets out of school, and it’s having “taken hold of him” is kind of news to me. That he can’t think of anything else seems about right, though.

*ETA: Now that it's taken hold of him he's sure to be head of the entire department before he's 30!





Box Picture
Well, thank goodness we’re all caught up on what’s going on with the Weasleys. Except Charlie, as usual. ETA: He's not gay.

Designated Hero
Ah yes, the Weasleys, the epitome of not being a Death Eater. Suffering for their great respect for Muggles…and all their rubbish.

Hero’s Death Battle Exemption
"The Prophet got the prophecy right," said Harry tightly. "It says I’ve got Hero’s Death Battle Exemption, so I’ve got to be the one to kill Voldemort. Neither can live while the other survives, but one may not kill the other without first holding him up to his face so he can be stabbed repeatedly with an arrow for twenty minutes."

Idiot Picture
Well, thank goodness we’re all caught up on what’s going on with the Weasleys. Except Charlie. Maybe he’s not an idiot. ETA: He's not gay.

Idiot World
That ridiculous exchange at the backdoor with Arthur setting an example for his many underlings in the government.

Informed Attributes
Fleur is totally complacent. Thank you, adverb fairy.

Ken and Andrew’s Rule of Plot Holes
Note that when Harry says that neither he nor Voldemort can live while the other survives, Hermione-the-Brain does not say, "But aren’t you both alive now?"

McGuffin
Nymphadora McGuffin Tonks, License to Wither.

Misdirected Answering
Feel free to skip this chapter if you don’t care about the Weasley family drama.
Final score: 9