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deathtocapslock2011-07-22 05:25 pm
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com) wrote in deathtocapslock2011-07-22 05:25 pm
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Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 10
[So, life goes on. Defense Against the Dark Arts remains useless, but Lockhart takes to having Harry act in Shakespeare plays for no readily discernible reason.]
Lockhart: Oh, for the hundredth time, Harry, it’s “Hamlet, thou art slain!”
Harry: *Grumble* Hamlet, thou art slain.
Lockhart: Oh, come on- with feeling!
Harry: Do I have to?
[Eventually, to Harry’s immense relief, the class lets out.]
Lockhart: Alright, class, as a homework assignment, write a story of your own about a sword fight. Be sure to describe clearly what the characters’ motivations are and what the outcome is. Extra credit goes to anyone who writes in iambic pentameter!
[After the lesson, Harry, Ron, and Hermione approach Lockhart.]
Harry: Loooockhaaaart, we have an autograph for you!
Lockhart: Yippee! [Grabs a pen and hastily signs the permission slip.] Best regards!
[So they go to the library to hand in the permission slip. After they get the book, they go to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom again.]
Hermione: I wish I could’ve kept that permission slip....
Ron: Oh, do stop acting like a simpering fangirl- can’t you see he’s not to be trusted?!
Hermione: Well, anyway.... ah, here it is. Polyjuice Potion. Says it’s the best plot device ever invented. It requires a bunch of complicated ingredients we’ll have to steal from Snape, and a piece of whoever we’re changing into. Oh, and it’ll take about a month to brew.
Ron: But if Malfoy is the Heir of Slytherin he could kill half the Muggle-borns in the school by then.
Hermione: Maybe, but it’s the best we can do for right now. Oh, look, danger!
Ron and Harry: YAAAAAY! Daaaaaaangeeeeeer!
[Next thing Harry knows, his Quidditch match against Draco arrives!]
Wood: Remember that although the Slytherins have better brooms, we have better people on our brooms because we’re brave Gryffindors and they’re just slimy Slytherins. Oh, and Harry, if you don’t catch that Snitch before Malfoy does I will personally kill you!
[The game begins.]
Malfoy: Look at me, Harry! You’re not the fastest on the field anymore!
Harry: You bastard!
[Just then, a Bludger comes straight for Harry’s head. He barely misses, but the Bludger comes straight back at him!]
Fred: Oh, no, the Bludger’s been tampered with!
George: It’s those slimy Slytherins that did it, no doubt.
Wood: Oh, well, Harry can shake it off- it is Harry after all.
Alicia: Are you crazy?! He could die!
George: For once I agree with the sensible thing here!
Harry: Aah, but seeing as I am Harry Potter I will be okay! Now, where is that Snitch?
[Harry spots it near Malfoy, who is too busy laughing to notice, but just then the Bludger hits his elbow!]
Harry: Oh, no! My arm is broken! Looks like I’ll have to be quick! [He dives spectacularly and catches the Snitch, falling to the ground in the process.]
Fred and George: We’ll handle the Bludger!
Harry: But it would’ve been so much cooler if Hermione had exploded it like in the movies....
Lockhart: Aww, is your arm broken? Here, let me fix it for you! [He says a nonsense spell and Harry’s forearm bones disappear]
Harry: Gee, thanks!
Lockhart: Anytime!
Harry: Don’t you know sarcasm when you hear it?!
[Harry goes to the hospital wing to see Madame Pomfrey.]
Madame Pomfrey: Why didn’t you come straight to me?
Harry: I would have but that Lockhart idiot insisted on turning my bones into jelly first!
Madame Pomfrey: Well- that explains a lot! You’ll have to stay the night, I’m afraid, while your bones grow back.
Harry: Sure, whatever.
[So Harry gets a drink of something called Skele-Gro and goes to bed.]
[He wakes up several hours later to find Dobby standing over him!]
Harry: What are you doing here?
Dobby: Oh, I just thought I’d come to check on you. By the way, that Bludger was my idea. And so was your missing the train. But hey, I ironed my hands afterward! There, we’re even!
Harry: ...You are a menace to society! You should be euthanized!
Dobby: You’ll eat your words when I die to save your life in the seventh book!
Harry: That’s five books away! Why are you trying to kill me?!
Dobby: *Cries* Not kill, but merely maim, or perhaps, seriously injure. By the way, I’m working on that for the seventh movie-what do you think?!
Harry: Hey, Dobby I just thought of something. Why do you wear that pillowcase.
Dobby: ‘Cause I’m a SLAAAAAAAAAAAAVE, I can only take it off if my master gives me clothes, hint hint. But, anyway, I’m trying to protect you, because, I remember how hard it was to live under Voldemort’s reign. Since Voldemort was in charge, I was treated much worse than I would have been otherwise. Because Voldemort was in charge, see, and then you came along and defeated him and I hoped that he would be gone for good, but now, it seems like he’s reopened the Chamber of Secrets. Somehow.
Harry: You mean the Chamber of Secrets was opened before? When?
Dobby: I can’t say- it’s beyond my brainpower to explain anything. Figure it out for yourself! [Disappears]
[Just then, Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall come in, carrying a petrified Colin Creevey.]
Dumbledore: We know he was looking through the camera... do you think he got a picture of his attacker? [But when he opens the camera, all the film is melted.] No? well... it looks like the Chamber of Secrets has been opened... A SECOND TIME!
[Dramatic lightning]
Lockhart: Oh, for the hundredth time, Harry, it’s “Hamlet, thou art slain!”
Harry: *Grumble* Hamlet, thou art slain.
Lockhart: Oh, come on- with feeling!
Harry: Do I have to?
[Eventually, to Harry’s immense relief, the class lets out.]
Lockhart: Alright, class, as a homework assignment, write a story of your own about a sword fight. Be sure to describe clearly what the characters’ motivations are and what the outcome is. Extra credit goes to anyone who writes in iambic pentameter!
[After the lesson, Harry, Ron, and Hermione approach Lockhart.]
Harry: Loooockhaaaart, we have an autograph for you!
Lockhart: Yippee! [Grabs a pen and hastily signs the permission slip.] Best regards!
[So they go to the library to hand in the permission slip. After they get the book, they go to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom again.]
Hermione: I wish I could’ve kept that permission slip....
Ron: Oh, do stop acting like a simpering fangirl- can’t you see he’s not to be trusted?!
Hermione: Well, anyway.... ah, here it is. Polyjuice Potion. Says it’s the best plot device ever invented. It requires a bunch of complicated ingredients we’ll have to steal from Snape, and a piece of whoever we’re changing into. Oh, and it’ll take about a month to brew.
Ron: But if Malfoy is the Heir of Slytherin he could kill half the Muggle-borns in the school by then.
Hermione: Maybe, but it’s the best we can do for right now. Oh, look, danger!
Ron and Harry: YAAAAAY! Daaaaaaangeeeeeer!
[Next thing Harry knows, his Quidditch match against Draco arrives!]
Wood: Remember that although the Slytherins have better brooms, we have better people on our brooms because we’re brave Gryffindors and they’re just slimy Slytherins. Oh, and Harry, if you don’t catch that Snitch before Malfoy does I will personally kill you!
[The game begins.]
Malfoy: Look at me, Harry! You’re not the fastest on the field anymore!
Harry: You bastard!
[Just then, a Bludger comes straight for Harry’s head. He barely misses, but the Bludger comes straight back at him!]
Fred: Oh, no, the Bludger’s been tampered with!
George: It’s those slimy Slytherins that did it, no doubt.
Wood: Oh, well, Harry can shake it off- it is Harry after all.
Alicia: Are you crazy?! He could die!
George: For once I agree with the sensible thing here!
Harry: Aah, but seeing as I am Harry Potter I will be okay! Now, where is that Snitch?
[Harry spots it near Malfoy, who is too busy laughing to notice, but just then the Bludger hits his elbow!]
Harry: Oh, no! My arm is broken! Looks like I’ll have to be quick! [He dives spectacularly and catches the Snitch, falling to the ground in the process.]
Fred and George: We’ll handle the Bludger!
Harry: But it would’ve been so much cooler if Hermione had exploded it like in the movies....
Lockhart: Aww, is your arm broken? Here, let me fix it for you! [He says a nonsense spell and Harry’s forearm bones disappear]
Harry: Gee, thanks!
Lockhart: Anytime!
Harry: Don’t you know sarcasm when you hear it?!
[Harry goes to the hospital wing to see Madame Pomfrey.]
Madame Pomfrey: Why didn’t you come straight to me?
Harry: I would have but that Lockhart idiot insisted on turning my bones into jelly first!
Madame Pomfrey: Well- that explains a lot! You’ll have to stay the night, I’m afraid, while your bones grow back.
Harry: Sure, whatever.
[So Harry gets a drink of something called Skele-Gro and goes to bed.]
[He wakes up several hours later to find Dobby standing over him!]
Harry: What are you doing here?
Dobby: Oh, I just thought I’d come to check on you. By the way, that Bludger was my idea. And so was your missing the train. But hey, I ironed my hands afterward! There, we’re even!
Harry: ...You are a menace to society! You should be euthanized!
Dobby: You’ll eat your words when I die to save your life in the seventh book!
Harry: That’s five books away! Why are you trying to kill me?!
Dobby: *Cries* Not kill, but merely maim, or perhaps, seriously injure. By the way, I’m working on that for the seventh movie-what do you think?!
Harry: Hey, Dobby I just thought of something. Why do you wear that pillowcase.
Dobby: ‘Cause I’m a SLAAAAAAAAAAAAVE, I can only take it off if my master gives me clothes, hint hint. But, anyway, I’m trying to protect you, because, I remember how hard it was to live under Voldemort’s reign. Since Voldemort was in charge, I was treated much worse than I would have been otherwise. Because Voldemort was in charge, see, and then you came along and defeated him and I hoped that he would be gone for good, but now, it seems like he’s reopened the Chamber of Secrets. Somehow.
Harry: You mean the Chamber of Secrets was opened before? When?
Dobby: I can’t say- it’s beyond my brainpower to explain anything. Figure it out for yourself! [Disappears]
[Just then, Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall come in, carrying a petrified Colin Creevey.]
Dumbledore: We know he was looking through the camera... do you think he got a picture of his attacker? [But when he opens the camera, all the film is melted.] No? well... it looks like the Chamber of Secrets has been opened... A SECOND TIME!
[Dramatic lightning]
no subject
Dobby: Oh, I just thought I’d come to check on you. By the way, that Bludger was my idea. And so was your missing the train. But hey, I ironed my hands afterward! There, we’re even!
Why are his hands in bandages some 2 months later though? Methinks this was all for show.
And the whole speech about Voldie and house-elves makes no sense, because Voldie was never in position to tell anyone but a handful of DEs how to treat their elves.
no subject
Lockhart: Oh, for the hundredth time, Harry, it’s “Hamlet, thou art slain!”
Harry: *Grumble* Hamlet, thou art slain.
Lockhart: Oh, come on- with feeling!
Actually I'd see Lockhart having Harry play Ophelia to Lockhart's Hamlet...it'd be a hoot having Harry sing Ophelia's willow swan song... LOL
[So Harry gets a drink of something called Skele-Gro and goes to bed.]
How does the potion know what area of the skeleton to grow?
I would understand if the thing required Pomfrey to utter a specific incantation while Harry drinks the potion, but to have Harry just chug it and have the potion "know" that it needs to grow certain bones in a certain arm rather than grow say a new collarbone or rib or vertebrae or kneecap doesn't make any sense.
no subject
Thanks for putting it together like this. So it was the melted film that explained it all. Because that was evidence that the monster is dangerous *when seen*. Presumably there are multiple ways to get petrified (hence the point of growing mandrakes when a basilisk wasn't known to be around). So the sight of a petrified cat in the presence of graffiti about 'the heir' was somewhat suspicious. But it was the melted film that proved the monster was a basilisk, and the fact that Dumbles immediately made the connection to the previous opening meant he figured out the nature of the previous monster sometime before this year. Perhaps all the way back when he realized who Tom's mother had been.
It is early November. Albus knows which monster is around, yet does nothing that would actually reduce the risk to students and staff. Albus Dumbledore, you disgust me.
no subject