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deathtocapslock2011-08-01 05:54 pm
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com) wrote in deathtocapslock2011-08-01 05:54 pm
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Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 13
Alright, now that LJ's back in action I'll be resuming my Harry Potter Abridged posts! Also, expect to see my Magical Magic Creature spotlights again starting tomorrow:)
[As Hermione recovers in the hospital wing, Harry and Ron do more investigating.]
Filch: Oh, great, there’s another flood. Now I’ll be even more swamped than I usually am!
Harry: Hey, I wonder what Mr. Norris is complaining about.
[On a hunch, Harry and Ron go up to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom again.]
Moaning Myrtle: Oh, hello. Come to throw something else at me?
Harry: Whut?
Moaning Myrtle: I tell you I was sitting here minding my own business and someone threw a book at me.
Ron: Well... it’s not like you can feel it, right? I mean, you’re a ghost
Moaning Myrtle: Why you...! Let’s all throw books at Myrtle because she can’t feel it! Ten points if it goes through her stomach! Fifty points if it goes through her head! Honestly, you two get more and more tactless every day! Good thing I’ll be gone from all the remaining books! Oh, wait.... Never mind then!
Harry: Uh-huh. Well, anyway, do you know who threw the book at you?
Moaning Myrtle: No, I wasn’t looking. I was just sitting here trying unsuccessfully to cut my wrists when it fell right through my head!
[Harry and Ron spot the diary on the floor.]
Harry: Oh, look, there it is! Let’s investigate!
Ron: I don’t think you want to do that, Harry. It could be dangerous.
Harry: But we need a lead to further the plot so we have to look at this book regardless.
Ron: You’ve got me there!
[Harry picks up the book to examine it.]
Harry: It says T.M. Riddle on it. Gee, sounds like a Pokemon special item.
Ron: T.M. Riddle! He had a trophy I polished once! Some award for special services to the school- must’ve been a Hufflepuff. Or maybe a Gryffindor, but come on. Why give back to the school when you can just sap glory from it?
Harry: It looks like a diary but... there’s nothing written in it!
Ron: That’s strange. Now why would someone want to flush a diary with nothing written in it?
Harry: I don’t know, but I’d better take this back to examine further.
[Once Hermione is discharged from the Hospital Wing, Harry brings the diary to her.]
Hermione: Maybe it’s a special enchanted diary?
Ron: Yeah, well... there’s nothing written in it.
Harry: I wonder how our friend Tom got an award for special services anyway? Maybe I can copy him?
Ron: I dunno, maybe he murdered Moaning Myrtle. And you know what, I have a feeling that I’m nearer right than I think.
Hermione: Hey, look at this. This diary is dated from around the same time as the Chamber of Secrets was last opened. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Maybe this Riddle person got an award for catching the Heir of Slytherin!
Ron: That’s an idea, but there’s nothing in the diary to prove it.
Hermione: Maybe it needs to be enchanted. [Hermione tries various spells and magical tricks, but nothing appears on the diary.]
Ron: Eh, must be nothing to it then.
[Harry, however, keeps the diary.]
Harry: I feel so instinctively attracted to this thing, I just can’t let it go.
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione return to the trophy room, and find Riddle’s name on a variety of medals.]
Harry: He was Head Boy too.
Ron: Sounds like Percy *grumbles*
Hermione: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Ron: It isn’t?
[So, things at Hogwarts start looking up. One day in February, as Harry opens the door to go to breakfast...]
Harry: D:
Lockhart: So, I decided we’d have a Valentines Day celebration to boost everyone’s morale! I even got a couple of gnomes to act as cupids delivering your valentines!
Everyone: WTF
Lockhart: Oh, and Mr. Snap will be brewing love potions too!
Snape: Oh, please no....
[As Harry is going to class that day, a cupid gnome comes up to him with a singing valentine.]
Harry: Oh, no.... [In his shock, he drops his things all over the ground.] Hey, look, the diary isn’t wet. That’s strange. Maybe it is specially magical after all.
[Later that day, Harry decides to try writing something in the diary to see what happens.]
Harry: [Writes] My name is Harry Potter....
Diary: Hello, Harry Potter. My name is Tom Riddle. Please do not make fun of my name!
Harry: [Writes] I wasn’t going to. I was just wondering why the pages in your diary are all blank.
Diary: Magic is more endurable than ink. My diary is full of terrible secrets.
Harry: [Writes] Okay... like, anything about the Chamber of Secrets?
Diary: Yes, yes, very good.
Harry: [Writes] Can you tell me what happened?
Diary: No... but I can show you.
Harry: [Writes] Please do.
Diary: With pleasure....
[Harry is transported inside the diary, to Hogwarts fifty years ago.]
Tom Riddle: Surprise!
Headmaster Dippet: Oh, hi there!
Riddle: So... you wanted to see me?
Dippet: Yes I did. Listen, I know you want to stay here over the summer... but that isn’t really done. Don’t you want to go back home for the holidays?
Riddle: Noooooooo, I don’t want to go back to that old Muggle orphanage, they’ll abuse me! Wanna see the bruises?!
Dippet: Ah... no thanks. Anyway, it’s not really safe for you to stick around the school with a monster on the loose, you know. Especially since it killed a girl.
Riddle: That’s okay, the monster is my pet.
Dippet: LOLWHUT
Riddle: Ah... just kidding.... What I mean is... if the person behind the attacks were caught... then would you let me stay over the summer? *Puppy dog pout*
Dippet: Ah... I suppose so.... Why, do you know who it is?
Riddle: No....
Dippet: Very well, take care.
[Riddle leaves, and Harry follows him. Soon, Riddle runs into young Dumbledore!]
Dumbledore: I’m watching you, Tom Rid. Always watching. Always....
Riddle: What a creep!
[Riddle then goes down to the dungeons, where he runs into a young Rubeus Hagrid.]
Hagrid: Oh, it’s you. What do you want?
Riddle: You’re the one who’s been killing students, aren’t you?
Hagrid: No! I’ve just been keeping a pet Acromantula illegally- it’s totally different.
Riddle: Uh-huh.... Your illegal pet Acromantula just killed someone.
Hagrid: No he didn’t! He was with me the whole time!
Riddle: I don’t believe you, so there. I’ll just euthanize your little spider and we can all go home.
Hagrid: No... we need to talk about this!
Riddle: What do you know, Hagrid, you’re just a little Hogwarts student.
Hagrid: I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT! BUT I AM ALSO, A SATANIST!
Riddle: That can’t be. There must be other factors.
Hagrid: YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!
Riddle: Ah, sure. Hand over the spider.
Hagrid: Nooooo!
Riddle: Now!
Hagrid: No!
[The spider breaks out of its box and scurries away.]
Riddle: Why are you doing this?
Hagrid: BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!
[Just then, the scene dissolves and Harry wakes up in his own bed.]
Harry: Wow... does that mean Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets?! Wow, my tiny mind is blown!
Note: I did not make the "Barbie Girl" video and do not deserve any credit for it.
[As Hermione recovers in the hospital wing, Harry and Ron do more investigating.]
Filch: Oh, great, there’s another flood. Now I’ll be even more swamped than I usually am!
Harry: Hey, I wonder what Mr. Norris is complaining about.
[On a hunch, Harry and Ron go up to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom again.]
Moaning Myrtle: Oh, hello. Come to throw something else at me?
Harry: Whut?
Moaning Myrtle: I tell you I was sitting here minding my own business and someone threw a book at me.
Ron: Well... it’s not like you can feel it, right? I mean, you’re a ghost
Moaning Myrtle: Why you...! Let’s all throw books at Myrtle because she can’t feel it! Ten points if it goes through her stomach! Fifty points if it goes through her head! Honestly, you two get more and more tactless every day! Good thing I’ll be gone from all the remaining books! Oh, wait.... Never mind then!
Harry: Uh-huh. Well, anyway, do you know who threw the book at you?
Moaning Myrtle: No, I wasn’t looking. I was just sitting here trying unsuccessfully to cut my wrists when it fell right through my head!
[Harry and Ron spot the diary on the floor.]
Harry: Oh, look, there it is! Let’s investigate!
Ron: I don’t think you want to do that, Harry. It could be dangerous.
Harry: But we need a lead to further the plot so we have to look at this book regardless.
Ron: You’ve got me there!
[Harry picks up the book to examine it.]
Harry: It says T.M. Riddle on it. Gee, sounds like a Pokemon special item.
Ron: T.M. Riddle! He had a trophy I polished once! Some award for special services to the school- must’ve been a Hufflepuff. Or maybe a Gryffindor, but come on. Why give back to the school when you can just sap glory from it?
Harry: It looks like a diary but... there’s nothing written in it!
Ron: That’s strange. Now why would someone want to flush a diary with nothing written in it?
Harry: I don’t know, but I’d better take this back to examine further.
[Once Hermione is discharged from the Hospital Wing, Harry brings the diary to her.]
Hermione: Maybe it’s a special enchanted diary?
Ron: Yeah, well... there’s nothing written in it.
Harry: I wonder how our friend Tom got an award for special services anyway? Maybe I can copy him?
Ron: I dunno, maybe he murdered Moaning Myrtle. And you know what, I have a feeling that I’m nearer right than I think.
Hermione: Hey, look at this. This diary is dated from around the same time as the Chamber of Secrets was last opened. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Maybe this Riddle person got an award for catching the Heir of Slytherin!
Ron: That’s an idea, but there’s nothing in the diary to prove it.
Hermione: Maybe it needs to be enchanted. [Hermione tries various spells and magical tricks, but nothing appears on the diary.]
Ron: Eh, must be nothing to it then.
[Harry, however, keeps the diary.]
Harry: I feel so instinctively attracted to this thing, I just can’t let it go.
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione return to the trophy room, and find Riddle’s name on a variety of medals.]
Harry: He was Head Boy too.
Ron: Sounds like Percy *grumbles*
Hermione: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Ron: It isn’t?
[So, things at Hogwarts start looking up. One day in February, as Harry opens the door to go to breakfast...]
Harry: D:
Lockhart: So, I decided we’d have a Valentines Day celebration to boost everyone’s morale! I even got a couple of gnomes to act as cupids delivering your valentines!
Everyone: WTF
Lockhart: Oh, and Mr. Snap will be brewing love potions too!
Snape: Oh, please no....
[As Harry is going to class that day, a cupid gnome comes up to him with a singing valentine.]
Harry: Oh, no.... [In his shock, he drops his things all over the ground.] Hey, look, the diary isn’t wet. That’s strange. Maybe it is specially magical after all.
[Later that day, Harry decides to try writing something in the diary to see what happens.]
Harry: [Writes] My name is Harry Potter....
Diary: Hello, Harry Potter. My name is Tom Riddle. Please do not make fun of my name!
Harry: [Writes] I wasn’t going to. I was just wondering why the pages in your diary are all blank.
Diary: Magic is more endurable than ink. My diary is full of terrible secrets.
Harry: [Writes] Okay... like, anything about the Chamber of Secrets?
Diary: Yes, yes, very good.
Harry: [Writes] Can you tell me what happened?
Diary: No... but I can show you.
Harry: [Writes] Please do.
Diary: With pleasure....
[Harry is transported inside the diary, to Hogwarts fifty years ago.]
Tom Riddle: Surprise!
Headmaster Dippet: Oh, hi there!
Riddle: So... you wanted to see me?
Dippet: Yes I did. Listen, I know you want to stay here over the summer... but that isn’t really done. Don’t you want to go back home for the holidays?
Riddle: Noooooooo, I don’t want to go back to that old Muggle orphanage, they’ll abuse me! Wanna see the bruises?!
Dippet: Ah... no thanks. Anyway, it’s not really safe for you to stick around the school with a monster on the loose, you know. Especially since it killed a girl.
Riddle: That’s okay, the monster is my pet.
Dippet: LOLWHUT
Riddle: Ah... just kidding.... What I mean is... if the person behind the attacks were caught... then would you let me stay over the summer? *Puppy dog pout*
Dippet: Ah... I suppose so.... Why, do you know who it is?
Riddle: No....
Dippet: Very well, take care.
[Riddle leaves, and Harry follows him. Soon, Riddle runs into young Dumbledore!]
Dumbledore: I’m watching you, Tom Rid. Always watching. Always....
Riddle: What a creep!
[Riddle then goes down to the dungeons, where he runs into a young Rubeus Hagrid.]
Hagrid: Oh, it’s you. What do you want?
Riddle: You’re the one who’s been killing students, aren’t you?
Hagrid: No! I’ve just been keeping a pet Acromantula illegally- it’s totally different.
Riddle: Uh-huh.... Your illegal pet Acromantula just killed someone.
Hagrid: No he didn’t! He was with me the whole time!
Riddle: I don’t believe you, so there. I’ll just euthanize your little spider and we can all go home.
Hagrid: No... we need to talk about this!
Riddle: What do you know, Hagrid, you’re just a little Hogwarts student.
Hagrid: I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT! BUT I AM ALSO, A SATANIST!
Riddle: That can’t be. There must be other factors.
Hagrid: YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!
Riddle: Ah, sure. Hand over the spider.
Hagrid: Nooooo!
Riddle: Now!
Hagrid: No!
[The spider breaks out of its box and scurries away.]
Riddle: Why are you doing this?
Hagrid: BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!
[Just then, the scene dissolves and Harry wakes up in his own bed.]
Harry: Wow... does that mean Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets?! Wow, my tiny mind is blown!
Note: I did not make the "Barbie Girl" video and do not deserve any credit for it.
no subject
Yes, don't you want to go back to an orphanage during WWII? Man, wizards are clueless. Were any of them even aware that there was a war going on, aside from hearing news about Grindelwald?
/Hagrid: No! I’ve just been keeping a pet Acromantula illegally- it’s totally different./
I know that Hagrid was framed, but this is just another case of the text insisting that he's an innocent victim and that his love of dangerous monsters is no big deal. If JKR said that Tom had deliberately given Hagrid an Acromantula egg in order to incriminate him, then Tom would have looked more culpable and Hagrid would have been more of an innocent victim. But she didn't. Tom doesn't tell Harry that he gave Hagrid the egg, even in the midst of his grand reveal in the Chamber of Secrets, so the only conclusion that we're left with is that Hagrid got the egg on his own and just happened to be keeping Aragog when Tom opened the Chamber. If Tom had never opened the Chamber and released the basilisk, how long would it have been until Aragog killed somebody? Sure, Hagrid wasn't intentionally malicious, but he was still horribly irresponsible.
And I love how matter-of-fact Tom is when confronted with Hagrid's caps-lock "My Immortal" quotes. XD
no subject
no subject
The Ministry and Diagon Alley are in London. Surely wizards must have been aware of the war events at least to some degree?