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deathtocapslock2011-08-04 12:42 pm
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com) wrote in deathtocapslock2011-08-04 12:42 pm
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Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 15
[With Dumbledore gone, people are even more scared than before. Harry and Ron determine to do something, no matter what it may be.]
Draco: You know, I’m actually kind of glad Dumbledore’s gone, what with all the rampant Gryffindor favoritism, oh, and the fact that he minds that the Chamber of Secrets is open too, because I’m you know racist.
Gryffindors: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Draco: *Cries* Hey Professor Snape? Why don’t you try to become Headmaster?
Snape: Believe it or not, I’ll become Headmaster in about five or six books. But I won’t like it and neither will you.
[Fortunately for Harry, the Hufflepuffs no longer suspect he might be Slytherin’s heir.]
Ernie: You know, I know you wouldn’t attack Hermione. You know who would? Draco! Maybe he’s the Heir!
Harry: Ah... no he’s not. Sad but true.
Ernie: Wait how do you know that?
Harry: I cannot disclose. Private Chosen One stuff.
[Just then, Harry notices spiders all crawling toward the Forbidden Forest.]
Harry: Hey, look, Ron!
Ron: Oh, look, more spiders. Where do you think they’re going?
Harry: Into the Forbidden Forest, of course!
Ron: Okay... do you think we should follow them?
Harry: Not now- later tonight when we can sneak around more easily.
[Lockhart is the only teacher in good spirits.]
Lockhart: You know, did it ever occur to you that they might have arrested Hagrid because they know he’s been opening the Chamber?
Ron: But he’s not! We know this!
Lockhart: Really?! How?!
Harry: Ah... never mind.... [to Ron] We can’t speak of this without letting everyone know we were out of bed past curfew.
Ron: Sorry....
Harry: Don’t worry, we’ll visit those spiders tonight, and then this’ll all make sense.
[So they go out after dark, taking Fang into the forest with them.]
Harry: I can think of no reason why we should need our invisibility cloak in a forest full of dangerous animals, so let’s leave it in Hagrid’s hut!
[The two of them go into the forest.]
Ron: I’m afraid.
Harry: Hey, it’s never too early to cultivate that Gryffindor courage!
Ron: Can we go back now?
Harry: No.
Ron: Now?
Harry: No.
Ron: Now?
Harry: No!
Ron: How about now?
Harry: Yes.
Ron: Really?!
Harry: No!
[Just then, they run into the old car they lost.]
Ron: Hey, look, it’s our car! Gee, I’m so sorry we crashed you and forced you to land in a tree that hits things. Can you ever forgive us?
Car: Oh, fine. The power of main characters compels me.
[Just then, Harry and Ron stumble upon an Acromantula colony.]
Ron: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[The spiders pick Harry and Ron up and drag them to the center of the group, where Aragog is waiting for them.]
Aragog: Hagrid? Is that you?
Harry: No, we’re friends of Hagrid’s.
Aragog: Well... I guess that makes a difference. You must be Gryffindors- most smarter students stay as far away from us as possible!
Harry: That’s us- brave Gryffindors to the end! Ah, but, anyway, Hagrid’s in trouble.
Aragog: Wow, that’s a shame. What happened?
Harry: They think he’s setting a dangerous creature on the students.
Aragog: Oh, I know! This is about that incident all those years ago when Hagrid was expelled!
Harry: Yes, that’s it!
Aragog: Okay, that wasn’t me. First of all, I wasn’t born in the castle- my egg was imported here from Indonesia. Second of all, I loved Hagrid so much I never attacked humans. It was a strange love....
Ron: So Hagrid is spider-sexual?
Aragog: Oh, shut up! Anyway, I didn’t want to stay in the castle with the beast from the Chamber of Secrets, but when everyone blamed my poor, innocent vicious spider self, Hagrid brought me into the woods. He even found me a wife. Gee, I sure do love that Hagrid.
Harry: Great, great. Listen, do you know what the beast is?
Spiders: *Shudder*
Aragog: Oh, we know what it is, but believe me: it is to us what Voldemort is to your average wizard. We never mention it by name. Suffice to say, we fear it above all else.
Harry: Okay then.... We’ll just be on our way....
Aragog: Oh, no you don’t. You’ve come home for dinner. Kids, tonight we eat human!
Young spiders: Yay!
Harry and Ron: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Car: Get in me, quick!
[Harry and Ron speed off in the car, dragging Fang with them. Eventually they make it back to safety outside of the forest.]
Ron: Wow, Car, you're the best! We owe you one!
Car: You sure do! [Drives off into the night]
Ron: Alright, if Hagrid ever gets out of Azkaban I’ll kill him!
Harry: But... but... Hagrid is our friend! There is no way he could possibly be in the wrong here! Nope! Besides, at least we know he didn’t open the Chamber of Secrets.
Ron: Yeah, well... I just hope we don’t have to spend the rest of the series trying to pick between the lesser of two evils.
Harry: Sorry to disappoint you.
[They go back into the castle, when Harry gets an epiphany.]
Harry: So, listen, Ron, you know how the dead girl from last time was discovered in the bathroom? What if she never left?
Ron: OMG! Moaning Myrtle!
Harry: Exactly!
BONUS: ARAGOG’S DAILY LIFE
Daughter #180: Daddy, can I have a unicorn?!
Aragog: No!
Daughter #180: Can I have a Ghoul?
Aragog: We’ll talk about it.
Daughter #180: Can we talk about it now?
Aragog: No.
Daughter #27: Daddy, I’m thinking of getting a job as an archaeologist and going to Borneo.
Aragog: You know, you can go to Borneo when you can find a way of getting there without being too conspicuous.
Daughter #27: Alright... it’ll involve getting a really big boat and eating anyone who complains.
Aragog: Good, good, you can discuss the logistics with your mother later.
Son #15: Dad, today I destroyed three Wizards who were using my little sisters for target practice!
Aragog: That’s my boy!
[And at bedtime...]
Daughter #362: Daddy, will you tell me a bedtime story?
Aragog: Alright. Once upon a time, there was an Acromantula princess.... [and so on...]
Mosag: She has your eyes.
Aragog: She has your beauty.
Mosag: You’re very wonderful.
Aragog: So are you.
Draco: You know, I’m actually kind of glad Dumbledore’s gone, what with all the rampant Gryffindor favoritism, oh, and the fact that he minds that the Chamber of Secrets is open too, because I’m you know racist.
Gryffindors: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Draco: *Cries* Hey Professor Snape? Why don’t you try to become Headmaster?
Snape: Believe it or not, I’ll become Headmaster in about five or six books. But I won’t like it and neither will you.
[Fortunately for Harry, the Hufflepuffs no longer suspect he might be Slytherin’s heir.]
Ernie: You know, I know you wouldn’t attack Hermione. You know who would? Draco! Maybe he’s the Heir!
Harry: Ah... no he’s not. Sad but true.
Ernie: Wait how do you know that?
Harry: I cannot disclose. Private Chosen One stuff.
[Just then, Harry notices spiders all crawling toward the Forbidden Forest.]
Harry: Hey, look, Ron!
Ron: Oh, look, more spiders. Where do you think they’re going?
Harry: Into the Forbidden Forest, of course!
Ron: Okay... do you think we should follow them?
Harry: Not now- later tonight when we can sneak around more easily.
[Lockhart is the only teacher in good spirits.]
Lockhart: You know, did it ever occur to you that they might have arrested Hagrid because they know he’s been opening the Chamber?
Ron: But he’s not! We know this!
Lockhart: Really?! How?!
Harry: Ah... never mind.... [to Ron] We can’t speak of this without letting everyone know we were out of bed past curfew.
Ron: Sorry....
Harry: Don’t worry, we’ll visit those spiders tonight, and then this’ll all make sense.
[So they go out after dark, taking Fang into the forest with them.]
Harry: I can think of no reason why we should need our invisibility cloak in a forest full of dangerous animals, so let’s leave it in Hagrid’s hut!
[The two of them go into the forest.]
Ron: I’m afraid.
Harry: Hey, it’s never too early to cultivate that Gryffindor courage!
Ron: Can we go back now?
Harry: No.
Ron: Now?
Harry: No.
Ron: Now?
Harry: No!
Ron: How about now?
Harry: Yes.
Ron: Really?!
Harry: No!
[Just then, they run into the old car they lost.]
Ron: Hey, look, it’s our car! Gee, I’m so sorry we crashed you and forced you to land in a tree that hits things. Can you ever forgive us?
Car: Oh, fine. The power of main characters compels me.
[Just then, Harry and Ron stumble upon an Acromantula colony.]
Ron: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[The spiders pick Harry and Ron up and drag them to the center of the group, where Aragog is waiting for them.]
Aragog: Hagrid? Is that you?
Harry: No, we’re friends of Hagrid’s.
Aragog: Well... I guess that makes a difference. You must be Gryffindors- most smarter students stay as far away from us as possible!
Harry: That’s us- brave Gryffindors to the end! Ah, but, anyway, Hagrid’s in trouble.
Aragog: Wow, that’s a shame. What happened?
Harry: They think he’s setting a dangerous creature on the students.
Aragog: Oh, I know! This is about that incident all those years ago when Hagrid was expelled!
Harry: Yes, that’s it!
Aragog: Okay, that wasn’t me. First of all, I wasn’t born in the castle- my egg was imported here from Indonesia. Second of all, I loved Hagrid so much I never attacked humans. It was a strange love....
Ron: So Hagrid is spider-sexual?
Aragog: Oh, shut up! Anyway, I didn’t want to stay in the castle with the beast from the Chamber of Secrets, but when everyone blamed my poor, innocent vicious spider self, Hagrid brought me into the woods. He even found me a wife. Gee, I sure do love that Hagrid.
Harry: Great, great. Listen, do you know what the beast is?
Spiders: *Shudder*
Aragog: Oh, we know what it is, but believe me: it is to us what Voldemort is to your average wizard. We never mention it by name. Suffice to say, we fear it above all else.
Harry: Okay then.... We’ll just be on our way....
Aragog: Oh, no you don’t. You’ve come home for dinner. Kids, tonight we eat human!
Young spiders: Yay!
Harry and Ron: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Car: Get in me, quick!
[Harry and Ron speed off in the car, dragging Fang with them. Eventually they make it back to safety outside of the forest.]
Ron: Wow, Car, you're the best! We owe you one!
Car: You sure do! [Drives off into the night]
Ron: Alright, if Hagrid ever gets out of Azkaban I’ll kill him!
Harry: But... but... Hagrid is our friend! There is no way he could possibly be in the wrong here! Nope! Besides, at least we know he didn’t open the Chamber of Secrets.
Ron: Yeah, well... I just hope we don’t have to spend the rest of the series trying to pick between the lesser of two evils.
Harry: Sorry to disappoint you.
[They go back into the castle, when Harry gets an epiphany.]
Harry: So, listen, Ron, you know how the dead girl from last time was discovered in the bathroom? What if she never left?
Ron: OMG! Moaning Myrtle!
Harry: Exactly!
BONUS: ARAGOG’S DAILY LIFE
Daughter #180: Daddy, can I have a unicorn?!
Aragog: No!
Daughter #180: Can I have a Ghoul?
Aragog: We’ll talk about it.
Daughter #180: Can we talk about it now?
Aragog: No.
Daughter #27: Daddy, I’m thinking of getting a job as an archaeologist and going to Borneo.
Aragog: You know, you can go to Borneo when you can find a way of getting there without being too conspicuous.
Daughter #27: Alright... it’ll involve getting a really big boat and eating anyone who complains.
Aragog: Good, good, you can discuss the logistics with your mother later.
Son #15: Dad, today I destroyed three Wizards who were using my little sisters for target practice!
Aragog: That’s my boy!
[And at bedtime...]
Daughter #362: Daddy, will you tell me a bedtime story?
Aragog: Alright. Once upon a time, there was an Acromantula princess.... [and so on...]
Mosag: She has your eyes.
Aragog: She has your beauty.
Mosag: You’re very wonderful.
Aragog: So are you.
The talking car-
I'm enjoying your recaps, btw.
Re: The talking car-
Re: The talking car-
Maybe the desks crashed into the car, who knows.
Re: The talking car-
Re: The talking car-