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deathtocapslock2011-08-23 08:30 am
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com) wrote in deathtocapslock2011-08-23 08:30 am
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Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 10
Harry: Oh, I may be stuck in the hospital wing with a broken broom... but at least I have tons of admirers who send me gifts every day. I’ll bet nobody sent Malfoy anything when he got injured. It’s not like he was injured anyway- he was just faking it to get attention and because he wanted to get Hagrid sacked. [Sigh] But, now that I don’t have that to angst about, there’s still plenty of other things to angst about. That Grim. I can’t tell anyone about it, because they won’t believe me, but I’m starting to think it really was an omen of death- I almost died both times it showed up. And then there’s those Dementors, who make me, but nobody else in the entire school or world, pass out and have horrible visions.
[Soon enough, Harry goes back to class.]
Draco: Hey, Harry! Look, I have my arms back! Watch as I laugh about the fact that you were injured!
Ron: Why you...! [Throws a potions ingredient at Draco.]
Snape: That’s it, take fifty points off of Gryffindor... for the Trio’s stupidity... again.... *Facepalm*
Ron: YOU’RE MEAN!
Snape: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
[Next the class goes to Defense Against the Dark Arts]
Ron: Oh, I do hope that Lupin is back. I don’t want to take another class with Snape the meanie!
Hermione: It’s alright, he’s back. But he looks a little worse than he did....
Gryffindors: Lupin, Snape gave us a mean old essay to do! It’s not fair!
Lupin: Alright, you don’t have to do the essay.
Hermione: But... what if I, you know, already did it?
Lupin: Overachiever! Nobody likes you!
[After class, Lupin meets up with Harry.]
Lupin: So, I heard the Dementors gave you a hard time at the match.
Harry: Well, yeah. Listen, why do I keep fainting at them? Am I too week to stand up to them, or something?
Lupin: No, you’re not weak- the Dementors affect you because you suffered more than anyone else in the entire world ever has the night your parents died. I mean, your parents just rolled over and fell to the floor in front of you when you were one year old. Can you imagine?
Harry: AAAAAAAGH! WHY COULDN’T ROWLING HAVE MADE ME LESS SPECIAL?! IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!!
Lupin: Calm down, calm down. Dementors, being a really poorly drawn-out metaphor for clinical depression, live to suck away all your happy memories until you waste away in your own despair. Stay with them for too long and you’ll turn evil from reliving the worst memories of your life. Because people with psychiatric disorders are bad people, everyone knows that. But that’s why Azkaban is a torture chamber for any prisoners.
Harry: And that’s terrible.
Lupin: Yeah. Most prisoners go mad- but not Sirius Black. I still don’t know how he managed to escape.
Harry: Say, I can’t bear to faint at the sight of Dementors again like the Woobie I am, so is there any way to fight Dementors?
Lupin: There is. I can teach you, but not right this instant- later. I’ll keep you posted.
[There is another Hogsmeade trip planned for around Christmastime.]
Hermione: I have this crazy idea that I could buy presents for the family in Hogsmeade. I know my silly Muggle parents will be privileged to see wizarding candy that flosses your teeth for you!
Harry: Speak for yourself- I can’t go!
Ron: Hey, look on the bright side, we’re staying here for Christmas just for you!
[After the students leave for the Hogsmeade trip...]
Fred: Hey, Harry! Check this out!
Harry: What? What is it?
Fred: Behold, the thing we’ve been using to sneak around the castle! [Displays the Marauder’s Map]
George: Once when we were First-Years and got confiscated by Filch we found this in one of his drawers.
Fred: To make something happen, you say, “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”
[Sure enough, the parchment reveals a map.]
Harry: Wow! This shows everything in the castle!
Fred: As well as secret passages to Hogsmeade! Here’s one that leads right into Honeydukes! [Points]
George: These Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs guys sure knew how to perpetuate the Chaotic traditions of this school. But, anyway, once you’re done with the map, make sure you disguise it again or anyone can read it.
Fred: Just say “Mischief managed.”
Harry: Wow, thanks! You guys are the best!
[Fred and George run off.]
Harry: Wow, this is so cool, but... how do I know it isn’t some sort of trap? Oh, well, Fred and George have used it for years without anything bad happening; therefore it must be safe for famous Harry Potter to use!
[He takes the passageway into Honeydukes.]
Harry: Wow, these sweets are so much cooler than Muggle candies! The candy toads even hop in the stomach! [Soon he finds Ron and Hermione, discussing presents for him.] Hello, you two!
Ron: How did you get here?! Did you Apparate?
Harry: Naw, I can’t do something so complicated. Fred and George gave me a secret map!
Ron: Hey, how come they gave it to you and not to me?!
Harry: Gee, I dunno. Maybe because I’m the super special awesome main character?
Ron: Gary Stu! Gary Stu! Gary Stu!
Hermione: Oh, ignore him, he’ll go away.... Harry, you can’t keep something like that.
Harry: Oh, sure. Just get Fred and George in trouble by explaining where I got it from?!
Hermione: But Black could be using the map to get in!
Harry: He can’t be. How would he even know about most of these secret passages?
Ron: Anyway, Dementors come around the place after dark. They’d catch him if he came through.
Hermione: Yeah, well... you’re still not supposed to be sneaking around.
Harry: Aww, you’re not gonna report your best cuddly wuddly friend, are you?! *Puppy dog eyes*
Hermione: Well... no, not since you’re just that awesome....
Ron: Incidentally did I ever tell you that when I was little Fred gave me an acid pop that burned a hole right through my tongue?!
Harry: Wow! That’s almost as bad as the time my abusive Muggle foster family bashed a crowbar through my eye socket!
Ron: But... you have both eyes!
Harry: I, ah, re-grew it by magic!
[They go outside, and decide to have a drink at the Three Broomsticks.]
Harry: Wow! Hogsmeade looks just like a Christmas card! Why can’t there be more places like this in the Muggle world?!*
[Inside the Three Broomsticks...]
Ron: I’ll just go get us drinks.... [To self] Aah, Madame Rosmerta- I’ll see you in my dreams for the rest of my life! [He gets drinks.]
Harry: Wow, this tastes so much better than Muggle ginger beer in every way!
[As the three of them enjoy their drinks, they notice several Hogwarts teachers, speaking to Fudge at another table.]
Fudge: So, I heard Sirius Black came to Hogwarts this Halloween?
McGonagall: But... that was supposed to be top secret!
Madame Rosmerta: Well... it doesn’t help that those Dementors keep searching my pub. They scare all the customers away! Whose idea was it to send soul-sucking monsters out after a wanted man, again?!
Fudge: Well, we sort of have to, since for all we know Sirius Black is such a maniac he deserves everything he gets.
McGonagall: Well, as long as they never come inside the castle....
Madame Rosmerta: You know... I never really thought Sirius would go bad. I mean, he used to be a Gryffindor, right?
Fudge: Yeah, that’s true. You know, I suspect that Harry Potter can hear us so let’s talk really loudly. He probably needs the exposition here. You know, the worst thing Sirius did was not murder random Muggles!
Madame Rosmerta: So, then, what was it?!
Fudge: He betrayed his best friend James Potter to his death!
Harry: LOLWHUT?!
McGonagall: He and Black were close! Always making trouble! Though only in a harmless Gryffindor way!
Hagrid: Yeah, sort of like them Weasley twins!
Flitwick: Oh, yeah! Need we drive home the point that James and Black were inseparable?
Fudge: So inseparable, in fact, that Black is, and remains to this day, Harry Potter’s godfather! Imagine the irony! Oh, I do hope that Harry Potter isn’t here to listen into all this, he’d be even more traumatized than he already is!
Fudge: Oh, and by the way, Black was the Potters’ Secret Keeper!
Rosmerta: Gee, I must be a moron for the sake of eavesdropping Harry Potter and not have any clue what a Secret Keeper is! Can one of you please enlighten me?!
Flitwick: Long story short, a Secret Keeper has been magically entrusted with a secret that then no one else can ever know unless the Secret Keeper tells them!
Rosmerta: So you think Black told the Secret to YKW?!
McGonagall: Without a doubt! Incidentally, around this same time, the all-knowing Dumbledore volunteered to be Secret Keeper, because only he could see anything at all wrong with Black! Or even was aware that there was a traitor among the Marauders!
Fudge: No doubt Black went into hiding so his old friends never chased him down after YKW was weakened!
Hagrid: It makes me feel angry to think of him as a traitor! Because, see, I retrieved Harry from him! I think he might have killed Harry if I’d given him the chance- and for some reason I didn’t know it at the time! Oh, and also, anyone who supported YKW is nothing but ultimate evil!
McGonagall: Alright, we get the idea!
Fudge: Anyway, to get back to what’s important here, there was another boy, Peter Pettigrew, who went after Black himself! He died, of course! No doubt!
Rosmerta: Oh, yeah, I remember him! He was fat and ugly and stupid and followed Potter and Black around!
McGonagall: Yeah, he was slavishly devoted to them but never very good in school! I totally underestimated and belittled him- just like I do that Navel boy now!
Fudge: Yeah, well- I heard Black blew him to smithereens, because all they found of him was his finger! Oh, and he said, “Lily and James, Sirius! How could you!” That isn’t ambiguous at all! No doubt he was the hero in all this!
Hagrid: Since I’m so stupid, allow me to interject by saying that I would have loved to rip Mr. Black limb from limb!
Fudge: I was there, you know! Black caused such an explosion there were bodies everywhere and no sign of Pettigrew!
McGonagall: Let’s all hold hands and cry! *Blows nose*
Fudge: So, anyway, the word on the street is that Black is mad! However, he seemed rational when I spoke to him last! I cannot for the life of me know how he figured out how to deal with the Dementors! If only a thirteen-year-old boy named Harry Potter could find a second long-winded exposition speech that would explain everything!
Harry: Whoops, gotta go be pensive! Smell you two later! [Runs off]
* Note: The Victorian Stroll in downtown Troy is better! XP
[Soon enough, Harry goes back to class.]
Draco: Hey, Harry! Look, I have my arms back! Watch as I laugh about the fact that you were injured!
Ron: Why you...! [Throws a potions ingredient at Draco.]
Snape: That’s it, take fifty points off of Gryffindor... for the Trio’s stupidity... again.... *Facepalm*
Ron: YOU’RE MEAN!
Snape: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
[Next the class goes to Defense Against the Dark Arts]
Ron: Oh, I do hope that Lupin is back. I don’t want to take another class with Snape the meanie!
Hermione: It’s alright, he’s back. But he looks a little worse than he did....
Gryffindors: Lupin, Snape gave us a mean old essay to do! It’s not fair!
Lupin: Alright, you don’t have to do the essay.
Hermione: But... what if I, you know, already did it?
Lupin: Overachiever! Nobody likes you!
[After class, Lupin meets up with Harry.]
Lupin: So, I heard the Dementors gave you a hard time at the match.
Harry: Well, yeah. Listen, why do I keep fainting at them? Am I too week to stand up to them, or something?
Lupin: No, you’re not weak- the Dementors affect you because you suffered more than anyone else in the entire world ever has the night your parents died. I mean, your parents just rolled over and fell to the floor in front of you when you were one year old. Can you imagine?
Harry: AAAAAAAGH! WHY COULDN’T ROWLING HAVE MADE ME LESS SPECIAL?! IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!!
Lupin: Calm down, calm down. Dementors, being a really poorly drawn-out metaphor for clinical depression, live to suck away all your happy memories until you waste away in your own despair. Stay with them for too long and you’ll turn evil from reliving the worst memories of your life. Because people with psychiatric disorders are bad people, everyone knows that. But that’s why Azkaban is a torture chamber for any prisoners.
Harry: And that’s terrible.
Lupin: Yeah. Most prisoners go mad- but not Sirius Black. I still don’t know how he managed to escape.
Harry: Say, I can’t bear to faint at the sight of Dementors again like the Woobie I am, so is there any way to fight Dementors?
Lupin: There is. I can teach you, but not right this instant- later. I’ll keep you posted.
[There is another Hogsmeade trip planned for around Christmastime.]
Hermione: I have this crazy idea that I could buy presents for the family in Hogsmeade. I know my silly Muggle parents will be privileged to see wizarding candy that flosses your teeth for you!
Harry: Speak for yourself- I can’t go!
Ron: Hey, look on the bright side, we’re staying here for Christmas just for you!
[After the students leave for the Hogsmeade trip...]
Fred: Hey, Harry! Check this out!
Harry: What? What is it?
Fred: Behold, the thing we’ve been using to sneak around the castle! [Displays the Marauder’s Map]
George: Once when we were First-Years and got confiscated by Filch we found this in one of his drawers.
Fred: To make something happen, you say, “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”
[Sure enough, the parchment reveals a map.]
Harry: Wow! This shows everything in the castle!
Fred: As well as secret passages to Hogsmeade! Here’s one that leads right into Honeydukes! [Points]
George: These Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs guys sure knew how to perpetuate the Chaotic traditions of this school. But, anyway, once you’re done with the map, make sure you disguise it again or anyone can read it.
Fred: Just say “Mischief managed.”
Harry: Wow, thanks! You guys are the best!
[Fred and George run off.]
Harry: Wow, this is so cool, but... how do I know it isn’t some sort of trap? Oh, well, Fred and George have used it for years without anything bad happening; therefore it must be safe for famous Harry Potter to use!
[He takes the passageway into Honeydukes.]
Harry: Wow, these sweets are so much cooler than Muggle candies! The candy toads even hop in the stomach! [Soon he finds Ron and Hermione, discussing presents for him.] Hello, you two!
Ron: How did you get here?! Did you Apparate?
Harry: Naw, I can’t do something so complicated. Fred and George gave me a secret map!
Ron: Hey, how come they gave it to you and not to me?!
Harry: Gee, I dunno. Maybe because I’m the super special awesome main character?
Ron: Gary Stu! Gary Stu! Gary Stu!
Hermione: Oh, ignore him, he’ll go away.... Harry, you can’t keep something like that.
Harry: Oh, sure. Just get Fred and George in trouble by explaining where I got it from?!
Hermione: But Black could be using the map to get in!
Harry: He can’t be. How would he even know about most of these secret passages?
Ron: Anyway, Dementors come around the place after dark. They’d catch him if he came through.
Hermione: Yeah, well... you’re still not supposed to be sneaking around.
Harry: Aww, you’re not gonna report your best cuddly wuddly friend, are you?! *Puppy dog eyes*
Hermione: Well... no, not since you’re just that awesome....
Ron: Incidentally did I ever tell you that when I was little Fred gave me an acid pop that burned a hole right through my tongue?!
Harry: Wow! That’s almost as bad as the time my abusive Muggle foster family bashed a crowbar through my eye socket!
Ron: But... you have both eyes!
Harry: I, ah, re-grew it by magic!
[They go outside, and decide to have a drink at the Three Broomsticks.]
Harry: Wow! Hogsmeade looks just like a Christmas card! Why can’t there be more places like this in the Muggle world?!*
[Inside the Three Broomsticks...]
Ron: I’ll just go get us drinks.... [To self] Aah, Madame Rosmerta- I’ll see you in my dreams for the rest of my life! [He gets drinks.]
Harry: Wow, this tastes so much better than Muggle ginger beer in every way!
[As the three of them enjoy their drinks, they notice several Hogwarts teachers, speaking to Fudge at another table.]
Fudge: So, I heard Sirius Black came to Hogwarts this Halloween?
McGonagall: But... that was supposed to be top secret!
Madame Rosmerta: Well... it doesn’t help that those Dementors keep searching my pub. They scare all the customers away! Whose idea was it to send soul-sucking monsters out after a wanted man, again?!
Fudge: Well, we sort of have to, since for all we know Sirius Black is such a maniac he deserves everything he gets.
McGonagall: Well, as long as they never come inside the castle....
Madame Rosmerta: You know... I never really thought Sirius would go bad. I mean, he used to be a Gryffindor, right?
Fudge: Yeah, that’s true. You know, I suspect that Harry Potter can hear us so let’s talk really loudly. He probably needs the exposition here. You know, the worst thing Sirius did was not murder random Muggles!
Madame Rosmerta: So, then, what was it?!
Fudge: He betrayed his best friend James Potter to his death!
Harry: LOLWHUT?!
McGonagall: He and Black were close! Always making trouble! Though only in a harmless Gryffindor way!
Hagrid: Yeah, sort of like them Weasley twins!
Flitwick: Oh, yeah! Need we drive home the point that James and Black were inseparable?
Fudge: So inseparable, in fact, that Black is, and remains to this day, Harry Potter’s godfather! Imagine the irony! Oh, I do hope that Harry Potter isn’t here to listen into all this, he’d be even more traumatized than he already is!
Fudge: Oh, and by the way, Black was the Potters’ Secret Keeper!
Rosmerta: Gee, I must be a moron for the sake of eavesdropping Harry Potter and not have any clue what a Secret Keeper is! Can one of you please enlighten me?!
Flitwick: Long story short, a Secret Keeper has been magically entrusted with a secret that then no one else can ever know unless the Secret Keeper tells them!
Rosmerta: So you think Black told the Secret to YKW?!
McGonagall: Without a doubt! Incidentally, around this same time, the all-knowing Dumbledore volunteered to be Secret Keeper, because only he could see anything at all wrong with Black! Or even was aware that there was a traitor among the Marauders!
Fudge: No doubt Black went into hiding so his old friends never chased him down after YKW was weakened!
Hagrid: It makes me feel angry to think of him as a traitor! Because, see, I retrieved Harry from him! I think he might have killed Harry if I’d given him the chance- and for some reason I didn’t know it at the time! Oh, and also, anyone who supported YKW is nothing but ultimate evil!
McGonagall: Alright, we get the idea!
Fudge: Anyway, to get back to what’s important here, there was another boy, Peter Pettigrew, who went after Black himself! He died, of course! No doubt!
Rosmerta: Oh, yeah, I remember him! He was fat and ugly and stupid and followed Potter and Black around!
McGonagall: Yeah, he was slavishly devoted to them but never very good in school! I totally underestimated and belittled him- just like I do that Navel boy now!
Fudge: Yeah, well- I heard Black blew him to smithereens, because all they found of him was his finger! Oh, and he said, “Lily and James, Sirius! How could you!” That isn’t ambiguous at all! No doubt he was the hero in all this!
Hagrid: Since I’m so stupid, allow me to interject by saying that I would have loved to rip Mr. Black limb from limb!
Fudge: I was there, you know! Black caused such an explosion there were bodies everywhere and no sign of Pettigrew!
McGonagall: Let’s all hold hands and cry! *Blows nose*
Fudge: So, anyway, the word on the street is that Black is mad! However, he seemed rational when I spoke to him last! I cannot for the life of me know how he figured out how to deal with the Dementors! If only a thirteen-year-old boy named Harry Potter could find a second long-winded exposition speech that would explain everything!
Harry: Whoops, gotta go be pensive! Smell you two later! [Runs off]
* Note: The Victorian Stroll in downtown Troy is better! XP
no subject
Wizarding candy is the kind of thing that appeals to young boys - the kind that think candy bugs are cool.
Which seems to be the mental age of most wizards.