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deathtocapslock2011-09-22 11:17 pm
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Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 14
[So the poor Woobie Gryffindors (srsly) have to sleep in the Great Hall again]
[the Fat Lady is back at Gryffindor Tower, but has trolls guarding her.]
Harry: Well, at least Sir Cadogan isn’t forcing us to actually learn about Muggle literature anymore….
Ron: Yes, but the trolls….
Troll #1: Y U NO LIKE US D00D
Troll #2: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down….
Harry: You know, it’s a good thing Black didn’t come to us through Honeydukes, or that passageway would be boarded up and I couldn’t sneak into Hogwarts anymore!
[But this is good for Ron, because he gets more attention.]
Ron: So, yeah…. Sirius Black…. He was wearing skimpy clothing, and said he wanted me to join his pirate army. He had a giant wolf with him. His you-know-what was more than a foot long- I’m pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off! Note that this is completely different from way Draco handled his injury earlier, because I’m a Gryffindor and therefore more sympathetic than Draco by definition! Just in case the fact that both of these situations appeared in the exact same book was confusing any of you!
Harry: The only question that remains is, why did he run away instead of killing us?
Ron: Well he did say that all he wanted was to be an eco-terrorist and flood all of Britain….
Harry: LOLWHUT?!
Ron: Eh, I was kinda sleepy at the time….
Harry: Well… maybe he knew he was no match for the teachers?
[Anyway, Neville is not allowed into the Tower.]
Neville: But don’t any of you trolls care that there’s a mass murderer around who could attack me?!
Troll: Orders from the top so quit your complaining- or my pals and I’ll Rickroll you again!
Neville: NOOOOOOO! Not the Rickroll!
Troll: So the Rickroll!
[But anyway, he receives a Howler one morning.]
Neville: Why me?! I didn’t even do anything wrong?!
Harry: Wow… could this mean… Neville’s grandmother is… abusive? No, it couldn’t be. Only my foster parents are allowed to be abusive! Gee, I sure do feel sorry for Neville, though. Really!
Neville: Why must you pressure me this way, Grandmother?! Do you want me to turn into a god-complexed nihilist who destroys the universe?!
Howler: OH SAVE IT FOR THE DARKER AND EDGIER BOOKS TO COME!
Harry: Oh, look, I’ve got a letter from Hagrid! It looks like he wants my friends and me to meet him in the evening. Sounds good!
[So Harry and Ron go to Hagrid’s hut.]
Ron: So, you wanna hear about my adventures with Sirius?!
Hagrid: I already know the general idea. I’m so glad you’re so much better at fabricating stories about your injuries than that pathetic loser Draco Malfoy, who deserved to get seriously injured if he even did at all!
Buckbeak: OM NOM NOM! I’m in ur hut, eatin ur ferretz….
Hagrid: That’s okay, weasels won’t become cool and not devious little bastards until Book 7…. Whoops! Wrong fandom! Heh, anyway, I’m supposed to go make the case for why Buckbeak shouldn’t just be euthanized like every other animal who proves he’s dangerous! By the way, do you want my terrible cooking?!
Harry: Oh, woe is me! Hagrid, I was so busy playing with my expensive new broom I forgot to mount a suitable defense for Buckbeak!
Hagrid: Now then, allow me to act uncharacteristically like a father figure (this is basically me in the movies, btw) and point out that you have been awfully hard on Hermione- she has a lot on her plate. By the way, her cat is just acting like all cats do.
Ron: But she can’t even control it…. *Cries*
Hagrid: Haven’t you realized that that’s what pet owners do? Either that or mistreat their pets. And it is not ironic that I am saying this at all!
[Anyway, they get back to the castle.]
Ron: So, you’ll sneak into Honeydukes to visit us again next week, right?
Hermione: Don’t you realize that that’s a bad idea with Sirius getting so close? And Ron, you were almost attacked! You’re treating a murderer like he’s just a joke!
Ron: Whatever, nobody likes you.
Hermione: You’re mean! *Cries*
Harry: Sure, I’ll sneak into Honeydukes with you, Ron! Sneaking around is the shit!
[So that weekend, Harry makes ready to sneak into Honeydukes.]
Neville: Oh, hi there Harry! You wanna play a nice, wholesome game with your ol’ supplanter Neville?
Harry: No, you’re not cool enough. I’d rather do homework. In fact, I was heading to the library to do just that!
Neville: Maybe you can help me with my homework?!
Harry: Eew, why would I do that?
Neville: Oh, look, it’s Snape! [Points]
Harry: Very funny, loser….
Neville: No, it really is Snape!
Snape: Surprise!
Harry: D:
Snape: Alright, why are you sneaking around this time?
Harry: I was being tailed by Navel here, and I was just trying to throw him off!
Neville: Traitor!
Snape: Whatever- go back to Gryffindor Tower. I’ll catch you making mischief later….
[The two boys return to the tower. Harry, of course, gives Neville the password and then runs away.]
Harry: Alright, now I’ll just go down to Honeydukes….
[So Harry meets up with Ron and they go to Zonko’s.]
Harry: Yippee! Time to waste all the money I brought with me buying stupid, pointless, useless gag items!
Ron: Now let’s go to the Shrieking Shack! The most haunted plot device in the series!
Harry: Wow! Cool!
[So they climb up to the boarded-up old shack when they run into Draco and his friends.]
Draco: So, yeah, my father’s totally going to have that Hippogriff put down by decapitation! Oh, I’m so glad Harry Potter couldn’t possibly be around to defend him! [Turns to Ron] Hey Ron, I’ll bet that house is bigger than yours!
Ron: Yeah, well… poverty is good. Sort of. If it’s a Gryffindor who’s poor….
Draco: Yeah, whatevs….
[Harry pelts Draco with mud.]
Draco: NOOOOOOO! MY HAAAAAAAAAIR! You got dirt in my HAAAAAAAAIR, whoever you are!
Harry: Take this, evil slimy Slytherins! [Pelts all three of the Slytherins.]
Draco: Harry Potter! I can see your head! Damn you! [Runs away.]
Harry: Oh, no! Now maybe Draco will tell Snape! Not that Dumbledore or anyone like that will punish me… but mean old Snape still could!
[So Harry runs back into Hogwarts, but right into Snape.]
Snape: I thought I’d catch you making trouble. You snuck into Hogsmeade, didn’t you?!
Harry: Guilty as charged. But whatever, Dumbledore will absolve me from all punishment. Or something.
Snape: Yeah… did you or did you not throw mud at Draco’s head while invisible?
Harry: …What gives you that idea?! *Cheesy smile*
Snape: If that’s so then why did your head magically appear in front of him?!
Harry: I… ah… a wizard did it?!
Snape: *Facepalm* Listen, I know very well what you’ve done, and it is supremely arrogant of you to go running around Hogsmeade with a
dangerous serial killer on the loose. Why… if you weren’t such a Gary Stu, you could have been killed! Incidentally, you’re acting an awful lot
like your father now. Remember that- it’s important!
Harry: Wow, thank you! My father was the man!
Snape: He was most definitely not “the man”- he was a sadistic bully who thought he was God’s gift and constantly tormented me about my love for volcanoes and bats and cake and weed….
Harry: That can’t be true! My father was a fine, upstanding gentleman- unlike you, fyi.
Snape: That’s what you think!
Harry: But Dumbledore said he saved your life, and I have every reason to believe that that is true, because my father could only be ever-so-noble as to save a worthless slimy Slytherin as yourself.
Snape: [To self] You’ve got to be kidding me…. [To Harry] Now listen here, you! Your father was an egomaniacal madman who put me down every chance he got, and hexed people without provocation just because he could, and… alright, let me put this in a language you can understand: your father was to me as Draco is to you! Only a hundred million times worse! And the only reason why he saved me is because if I had died he would have been expelled! And you don’t want to know what he did to me afterward!
Harry: Wow, my father was awesome! I wish I had the power to put you in your place like that!
Snape: You… have… no… idea…! Alright, next order of business: show me what you’ve got in your pockets!
Harry: Alright… [He takes out his Zonko’s things and the Marauder’s Map.]
Snape: Zonko’s?! Is that all you Gryffindors ever buy?! [Picks up Marauder’s Map.] What is this?
Harry: Oh, it’s… a spare piece of parchment!
Snape: If that’s the case, you won’t mind if I throw it away?
Harry: NO!! He’s my only friend in this world! *Puppy dog eyes*
Snape: You’ve got serious issues…. Alright, I must decipher this! [He enchants the map, and at long last it starts insulting Snape.]
Moony: You are far too girly to be worthy of me!
Prongs: You fucking homo, I knocked up your girlfriend!
Padfoot: I shall brutally suffocate your sissy ass in a sea of my manliness!
Wormtail: Welcome to the hatedom. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing a lot of each other.
Snape: Oh… that’s… just… typical… of… you!
Harry: AHAHAHAHAHAA! You are a fucking homo!
Lupin: OH HAI THAR!
Snape: How in the fucking fucking fuck you do explain this?! [Shows Lupin the Marauder’s Map.]
Lupin: Eh, I’m sure that’s just something Harry bought from Zonko’s.
Snape: That’s a terrible lie and you know it.
Lupin: What if I persist in denying it?
Ron: No, Lupin’s definitely right here!
Snape: Well, I’ve lost my case. Good day!
Lupin: Ah, Harry and Ron! So good to see you. Step lightly around Mr. Snape over there, the sissies are always the most vicious, especially
if they like anything resembling bats or volcanoes. Or cooking!
Harry: Hey, two out of three!
Lupin: But, anyway- that map. Didn’t it ever occur to you that it might be dangerous?
Harry: Yeah, well… Gryffindor courage will prevail!
Lupin: That’s nice. But seriously, I used to be a Gryffindor and even I think it’s uncool of you to be risking your life when your parents tried to
save you.
[Later that day, Hermione approaches.]
Hermione: Oh, by the way, Hagrid’s lost his case for Buckbeak. Gee, I can’t imagine why!
[the Fat Lady is back at Gryffindor Tower, but has trolls guarding her.]
Harry: Well, at least Sir Cadogan isn’t forcing us to actually learn about Muggle literature anymore….
Ron: Yes, but the trolls….
Troll #1: Y U NO LIKE US D00D
Troll #2: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down….
Harry: You know, it’s a good thing Black didn’t come to us through Honeydukes, or that passageway would be boarded up and I couldn’t sneak into Hogwarts anymore!
[But this is good for Ron, because he gets more attention.]
Ron: So, yeah…. Sirius Black…. He was wearing skimpy clothing, and said he wanted me to join his pirate army. He had a giant wolf with him. His you-know-what was more than a foot long- I’m pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off! Note that this is completely different from way Draco handled his injury earlier, because I’m a Gryffindor and therefore more sympathetic than Draco by definition! Just in case the fact that both of these situations appeared in the exact same book was confusing any of you!
Harry: The only question that remains is, why did he run away instead of killing us?
Ron: Well he did say that all he wanted was to be an eco-terrorist and flood all of Britain….
Harry: LOLWHUT?!
Ron: Eh, I was kinda sleepy at the time….
Harry: Well… maybe he knew he was no match for the teachers?
[Anyway, Neville is not allowed into the Tower.]
Neville: But don’t any of you trolls care that there’s a mass murderer around who could attack me?!
Troll: Orders from the top so quit your complaining- or my pals and I’ll Rickroll you again!
Neville: NOOOOOOO! Not the Rickroll!
Troll: So the Rickroll!
[But anyway, he receives a Howler one morning.]
Neville: Why me?! I didn’t even do anything wrong?!
Harry: Wow… could this mean… Neville’s grandmother is… abusive? No, it couldn’t be. Only my foster parents are allowed to be abusive! Gee, I sure do feel sorry for Neville, though. Really!
Neville: Why must you pressure me this way, Grandmother?! Do you want me to turn into a god-complexed nihilist who destroys the universe?!
Howler: OH SAVE IT FOR THE DARKER AND EDGIER BOOKS TO COME!
Harry: Oh, look, I’ve got a letter from Hagrid! It looks like he wants my friends and me to meet him in the evening. Sounds good!
[So Harry and Ron go to Hagrid’s hut.]
Ron: So, you wanna hear about my adventures with Sirius?!
Hagrid: I already know the general idea. I’m so glad you’re so much better at fabricating stories about your injuries than that pathetic loser Draco Malfoy, who deserved to get seriously injured if he even did at all!
Buckbeak: OM NOM NOM! I’m in ur hut, eatin ur ferretz….
Hagrid: That’s okay, weasels won’t become cool and not devious little bastards until Book 7…. Whoops! Wrong fandom! Heh, anyway, I’m supposed to go make the case for why Buckbeak shouldn’t just be euthanized like every other animal who proves he’s dangerous! By the way, do you want my terrible cooking?!
Harry: Oh, woe is me! Hagrid, I was so busy playing with my expensive new broom I forgot to mount a suitable defense for Buckbeak!
Hagrid: Now then, allow me to act uncharacteristically like a father figure (this is basically me in the movies, btw) and point out that you have been awfully hard on Hermione- she has a lot on her plate. By the way, her cat is just acting like all cats do.
Ron: But she can’t even control it…. *Cries*
Hagrid: Haven’t you realized that that’s what pet owners do? Either that or mistreat their pets. And it is not ironic that I am saying this at all!
[Anyway, they get back to the castle.]
Ron: So, you’ll sneak into Honeydukes to visit us again next week, right?
Hermione: Don’t you realize that that’s a bad idea with Sirius getting so close? And Ron, you were almost attacked! You’re treating a murderer like he’s just a joke!
Ron: Whatever, nobody likes you.
Hermione: You’re mean! *Cries*
Harry: Sure, I’ll sneak into Honeydukes with you, Ron! Sneaking around is the shit!
[So that weekend, Harry makes ready to sneak into Honeydukes.]
Neville: Oh, hi there Harry! You wanna play a nice, wholesome game with your ol’ supplanter Neville?
Harry: No, you’re not cool enough. I’d rather do homework. In fact, I was heading to the library to do just that!
Neville: Maybe you can help me with my homework?!
Harry: Eew, why would I do that?
Neville: Oh, look, it’s Snape! [Points]
Harry: Very funny, loser….
Neville: No, it really is Snape!
Snape: Surprise!
Harry: D:
Snape: Alright, why are you sneaking around this time?
Harry: I was being tailed by Navel here, and I was just trying to throw him off!
Neville: Traitor!
Snape: Whatever- go back to Gryffindor Tower. I’ll catch you making mischief later….
[The two boys return to the tower. Harry, of course, gives Neville the password and then runs away.]
Harry: Alright, now I’ll just go down to Honeydukes….
[So Harry meets up with Ron and they go to Zonko’s.]
Harry: Yippee! Time to waste all the money I brought with me buying stupid, pointless, useless gag items!
Ron: Now let’s go to the Shrieking Shack! The most haunted plot device in the series!
Harry: Wow! Cool!
[So they climb up to the boarded-up old shack when they run into Draco and his friends.]
Draco: So, yeah, my father’s totally going to have that Hippogriff put down by decapitation! Oh, I’m so glad Harry Potter couldn’t possibly be around to defend him! [Turns to Ron] Hey Ron, I’ll bet that house is bigger than yours!
Ron: Yeah, well… poverty is good. Sort of. If it’s a Gryffindor who’s poor….
Draco: Yeah, whatevs….
[Harry pelts Draco with mud.]
Draco: NOOOOOOO! MY HAAAAAAAAAIR! You got dirt in my HAAAAAAAAIR, whoever you are!
Harry: Take this, evil slimy Slytherins! [Pelts all three of the Slytherins.]
Draco: Harry Potter! I can see your head! Damn you! [Runs away.]
Harry: Oh, no! Now maybe Draco will tell Snape! Not that Dumbledore or anyone like that will punish me… but mean old Snape still could!
[So Harry runs back into Hogwarts, but right into Snape.]
Snape: I thought I’d catch you making trouble. You snuck into Hogsmeade, didn’t you?!
Harry: Guilty as charged. But whatever, Dumbledore will absolve me from all punishment. Or something.
Snape: Yeah… did you or did you not throw mud at Draco’s head while invisible?
Harry: …What gives you that idea?! *Cheesy smile*
Snape: If that’s so then why did your head magically appear in front of him?!
Harry: I… ah… a wizard did it?!
Snape: *Facepalm* Listen, I know very well what you’ve done, and it is supremely arrogant of you to go running around Hogsmeade with a
dangerous serial killer on the loose. Why… if you weren’t such a Gary Stu, you could have been killed! Incidentally, you’re acting an awful lot
like your father now. Remember that- it’s important!
Harry: Wow, thank you! My father was the man!
Snape: He was most definitely not “the man”- he was a sadistic bully who thought he was God’s gift and constantly tormented me about my love for volcanoes and bats and cake and weed….
Harry: That can’t be true! My father was a fine, upstanding gentleman- unlike you, fyi.
Snape: That’s what you think!
Harry: But Dumbledore said he saved your life, and I have every reason to believe that that is true, because my father could only be ever-so-noble as to save a worthless slimy Slytherin as yourself.
Snape: [To self] You’ve got to be kidding me…. [To Harry] Now listen here, you! Your father was an egomaniacal madman who put me down every chance he got, and hexed people without provocation just because he could, and… alright, let me put this in a language you can understand: your father was to me as Draco is to you! Only a hundred million times worse! And the only reason why he saved me is because if I had died he would have been expelled! And you don’t want to know what he did to me afterward!
Harry: Wow, my father was awesome! I wish I had the power to put you in your place like that!
Snape: You… have… no… idea…! Alright, next order of business: show me what you’ve got in your pockets!
Harry: Alright… [He takes out his Zonko’s things and the Marauder’s Map.]
Snape: Zonko’s?! Is that all you Gryffindors ever buy?! [Picks up Marauder’s Map.] What is this?
Harry: Oh, it’s… a spare piece of parchment!
Snape: If that’s the case, you won’t mind if I throw it away?
Harry: NO!! He’s my only friend in this world! *Puppy dog eyes*
Snape: You’ve got serious issues…. Alright, I must decipher this! [He enchants the map, and at long last it starts insulting Snape.]
Moony: You are far too girly to be worthy of me!
Prongs: You fucking homo, I knocked up your girlfriend!
Padfoot: I shall brutally suffocate your sissy ass in a sea of my manliness!
Wormtail: Welcome to the hatedom. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing a lot of each other.
Snape: Oh… that’s… just… typical… of… you!
Harry: AHAHAHAHAHAA! You are a fucking homo!
Lupin: OH HAI THAR!
Snape: How in the fucking fucking fuck you do explain this?! [Shows Lupin the Marauder’s Map.]
Lupin: Eh, I’m sure that’s just something Harry bought from Zonko’s.
Snape: That’s a terrible lie and you know it.
Lupin: What if I persist in denying it?
Ron: No, Lupin’s definitely right here!
Snape: Well, I’ve lost my case. Good day!
Lupin: Ah, Harry and Ron! So good to see you. Step lightly around Mr. Snape over there, the sissies are always the most vicious, especially
if they like anything resembling bats or volcanoes. Or cooking!
Harry: Hey, two out of three!
Lupin: But, anyway- that map. Didn’t it ever occur to you that it might be dangerous?
Harry: Yeah, well… Gryffindor courage will prevail!
Lupin: That’s nice. But seriously, I used to be a Gryffindor and even I think it’s uncool of you to be risking your life when your parents tried to
save you.
[Later that day, Hermione approaches.]
Hermione: Oh, by the way, Hagrid’s lost his case for Buckbeak. Gee, I can’t imagine why!
no subject
Actually, I don’t know if I’ve seen anybody point this parallel out. Well-spotted. :)
/Neville: But don’t any of you trolls care that there’s a mass murderer around who could attack me?!/
Nope, just like they didn’t care that you and the others might have been murdered in the Forbidden Forest during your detention. They’ll punish you for almost letting a murderer kill you and the others by leaving you outside for the murderer to kill you, just like they punished you for being out of bed after hours by forcing you to be out of bed after hours.
/Hagrid: Haven’t you realized that that’s what pet owners do? Either that or mistreat their pets. And it is not ironic that I am saying this at all!/
No, because except for Aunt Marge, all selfish and irresponsible pet owners prove to be vindicated in this book.
/Harry: Wow, my father was awesome! I wish I had the power to put you in your place like that!/
And even after seeing his father’s behavior himself, Harry still doesn’t get it.
/Wormtail: Welcome to the hatedom. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing a lot of each other./
All too true. XD
no subject
Its ok that Minerva punishes Neville by endangering his life, that doesn't make her bad.
Yet Snape is the one who is mean to Neville?