deathtocapslock | HBP Chapter Fifteen

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HBP Chapter Fifteen

*Wow, it’s one of those chapters that actually has something related to the plot in it!

*ETA: Since I recall that making me like this chapter more, hopefully I won't inspire any concerned lectures with this recap.

*::sigh:: Or maybe not. Didn't we put this to rest years ago?

*Of course we’ll have to sit through pages and pages of love shenanigans first. Err, I mean, places where JKR delightfully amuses us with her brilliant take on teenaged love she's spent five books of Harry and Dumbledore vs. the Dark Genocidal Wizard Voldemort leading up to.

*Girls are gathering under the mistletoe whenever Harry approaches, proving once again how HP is about being an outcast.

*Lavender’s already having a terrible influence on Ron. He’s happy and confident. Somebody do something!

*Plus, Harry has to put up with Lavender, which must be a real pain. He’s used to the hassle of having to avoid hoards of admirers, but has very little experience having to spend time with people not on his personal staff who don’t care about him much. Maybe Ron could give her a job or something?

*ETA: She will make herself useful in DH by needing to be rescued from Fenrir by Hermione, proving how good Hermione is.

*Harry does not agree with Ron when Ron says he’s done nothing wrong by snogging a girl who wants to snog him even though it makes the other girl angry, which I would expect a guy to do. A straight guy, anyway. However, nor does Harry commiserate with Hermione about how men are cads, like a gay friend might. The mystery lives on!:-D

*Romilda Vane has officially become “that Romilda Vane.” ETA: Does she make herself useful in DH? Does Ginny get to save her sorry arse at all? Or does she just fight for Harry?

*Ah, Romilda and her friends plotting with Love Potions takes me back to my high school days. Tons of girls dying to put out and having to drug a guy to do it.

*Harry’s been dreaming about Ginny in ways Ron wouldn’t like. You’re right Harry. Ron would probably be very upset that you were having dreams where your sister turned into Tom Riddle and had sex with you.

*I love the way whenever Harry’s mind is actually making a connection he has to speak slowly because it’s just that difficult.

*Fred and George have an official method of circumventing security at Hogwarts. I expect this is far from the only way they’re undermining the efforts of the good side. All for a good cause, though. Money!

*ETA: ::sigh:: Another thing I thought might go somewhere. Stop accidentally putting those in my head, book!

*One day Hermione really must publish her Bizarro Ethics in a book. Slipping a drug into someone’s drink is just as bad as pretending to, really. And nothing like slipping a hex onto someone’s parchment. Or slipping a Potion into someone’s cupcake.

*After muttering darkly about the horrible dangers Harry faces at the hands of 15-year-old Romilda and her Love Potions, Hermione rolls her eyes when Harry brings up that stupid attempted murder that happened the other day. When Harry Potter makes your priorities look wonky, you really need to think about your priorities.

*ETA: If the books weren't over I might start to imagine a theory that all this talk of Potions-slipping was a clue that we'd find out Dumbledore had been slipping something into everybody's food (especially Hermione's) to make them not care about the murders.

*Something that’s just been put in the wrong bottle won’t register on the sensors. This is surely the part where Hermione the tattletale who wants the rules to run smoothly will go to Dumbledore and point out this flaw, right? Because somebody did just try to slip a deadly object into the school? Oh, of course she won’t. Hermione gets to enforce the rule when there’s an actual good reason to. If it were Harry who was being targeted for murder maybe, but she can’t be caring about any and all potential murders in the school. The target might be someone who deserves it, like a Slytherin.

*I’m very much against the many Polyjuice theories in HBP, but I do kind of love the idea that Pince is really Draco here, if only because imitating her would probably be the high point in a rather grim year for him. It was him who made the original noise, right? Was he just able to slip/slither away quietly before Pince came out of the same row?

*Hermione makes sure to get in a few jabs at Harry for trusting his HBP book. She’s already begun checking ISPs. Msscribe is the Half-Blood Prince!

*ETA: In case we forgot, there are actual murders being attempted in the school this year while Hermione devotes herself to the mystery of who once owned Harry's old Potions book. Working backwards and using the Law of Conservation of Characters this will pan out because it's Snape, but from her pov the student really was likely to just be some random guy who now exterminates magical pests for a living or something.

*ETA: Maybe she's just tired of solving murders at this point?

*We're told, rather than shown, that Harry and Hermione had a funny conversation about whether or not Pince and Filch are in love with each other. I don't think these two are quite sophisticated enough pull that off in real time.

*"Told you," Hermione said, succinctly. Oh JKR. Succinctly? Really? Was there no editor to take that one out?

*Something must be wrong with me. I’m not rooting for Ron and Hermione to get together at all.

*The students are studying the immensely difficult human transformation in class, making Tonks even more pointless and redundant than she already was.

*ETA: Post-DH I'm surprised that never got used. Everybody always stuck with Polyjuice and never had any reason to turn their eyebrows purple.

*ETA: Of course probably the prize for "stuff everybody thought was one of those Chekovian guns but wasn't" goes to The Draught of Death.

*Hermione reveals, to no one’s surprise, that she can dish it out but can’t take it. Ron reminds us that if you scratch the surface of any good character in canon, you find an inner Draco Malfoy doing impressions or being a bigot. ETA: I have no memory of what I was referring to here, but I the general principle seems sound.

*Luna says she’s noticed Ron can be a bit unkind, which frankly sounds like another one of those, "Listen up, the author is telling you how you should be judging these characters!" If you want me to think of Ron as unkind you might want to stop setting him in the middle of a universe full of vipers. Did Luna not notice Hermione permanently marking one of her housemates, or was that not unkind? Ron's just too hapless and clueless to be the unkind one.

*The authorial voice then hops into Harry’s head to tell us that Luna speaks uncomfortable truths and is unlike anyone our hero has ever met. Just in case you thought that Luna only speaks uncomfortable truths when they get her attention and is only as unique as her common stereotype.

*ETA: You know, it seems like it's only in this book where Luna was supposed to speak these uncomfortable truths. She didn't do that in OotP. I don't think her stating the truth that Ravenclaw thought Hagrid was a joke of a teacher would be considered an uncomfortable truth. She didn't spend the last book telling us she had no friends.

*Ginny stopped two boys from calling Luna Looney in class and OMG Harry asked her to the party as just friends! How have these kids not gotten together yet? What with the two of them wandering around on such an exalted moral level all alone? This is what the most popular boy and girl are supposed to be like!

*ETA: I always picture Harry and Ginny's future being a lot like the one Caroline the popular girl plans for her and Jake Ryan in 16 Candles. They'll be the most popular adult couple in town.

*Harry is keen to make his intention clear; they’re going to the party just as friends. That is, as much as a super cool person and somebody inferior can be friends. Just wait until Ginny gives her approval, proving how kind she, too, is to the little people!

*ETA: Suddenly I'm remembering those portraits in Luna's room from DH. ::shudder::

*And now the whole school knows who Harry’s taking to the party. Because Harry’s really freaking important.

*Ron can’t believe Harry’s passing up possible sex to take a platonic date to the party. I don’t find that suspicious at all, Ron! Harry’s just waiting for the right girl!

*Ginny scolds Ron for using the name "Loony" while not being Ginny herself and reports that Luna is pathetically "really excited" about the party. Harry and Ginny bond over the kind of social charity only the truly popular can understand.

*Parvati seems guilty at having laughed at Hermione in Transfigurations, which is pretty amazing given that Hermione’s never been anything but cold and judgmental to Parvati. How did a person with a normal level of compassion and goodwill sneak into the book?

*Slughorn’s party sounds really good…? We’ll just have to take Parvati’s word on this.

*Thank goodness Ron and Hermione are even again. He’s done a mean impression of her jumping up and down in her seat, and she’s used his most painful humiliations against him. ETA: Ron and Hermione: Bringing what the other needs since 1991.

*Based on my experience with similar couples, thirty years from now Hermione and Ron will *still* be fighting over Hermione kissing Viktor Krum when she was 15.

*Parvati and Lavender are renowned gossips, yet somehow have missed the fact that Hermione has asked Cormac to the party to make Ron jealous. Everyone’s powers of observations must be below Harry’s.

*Harry is left to ponder the depths girls will sink to get revenge. I love it when Harry comments on the sexism of his own universe. Because I’m a girl. I know what he's talking about!

*But wait, we’re not finished humiliating the girls of Hogwarts just yet! A crowd shows up to glare at Harry resentfully as he walks off with Luna! How dare he be so good to choose the worthy girl who isn't popular over them? C'mon girls, amirite?

*Luna says something blatantly untrue, but as it’s not an untruth about Harry he sees no reason to correct it. Remember, people who tell untruths about other people are quirky and fun. People who tell untruths about Harry are The Enemy. Also remember Luna is all about speaking the truth.

*Slughorn decks out his party in mostly Gryffindor colors. Nice touch. He sees the way the wind blows.

*I don’t think there’s a single reference to Slughorn’s weight that I remember in this chapter despite it taking place in a crowded room. Given that he’s dressed in a velvet smoking jacket and a fez, that must have taken some self-restraint. I almost wonder if JKR originally conceived him as a Hugh Hefner type (with a thing for boys) first and only later decided to reinforce the overindulgent/obese stereotype.

*A gaggle of girls stands around Sanguini, looking excited. Is this some sort of vampire power, or is it just more stupid girls who are into bad boys?

*ETA: Probably best to just go by the general rule that girls who are not Ginny, Hermione or Luna are stupid.

*Hermione shocks Harry by announcing she’d considered asking Zach Smith to the party. I kind of wish she had, if only because honestly, I think Zach would have known just what she was doing and railed at the way Gryffindors and friends of Harry Potter went around using people. ETA: The cowardly bastard.

*Trelawney’s at the party, drunk as usual on cooking sherry! There’s nothing at all depressing about watching a lonely teacher descend into alcoholism!

*Trelawney says she calls Firenze Dobbin, which somehow hits me as one of the rudest racist jokes in canon ever. Scratch the surface, out pops Draco.

*Hermione furiously tells Harry she would never stoop so low as to tell Ron she interfered with his Quidditch try-outs. She’ll save that one for divorce court, thank you very much! It’ll go nicely between the part where he’ll never amount to anything at work and the part where their usual sex ends with him coming too fast and her reading a book.

*Cormac, the jerk, hasn’t asked Hermione anything about herself, just told her all about his great Quidditch saves. I suspect he’s just trying to make sure he doesn’t give her an opening to talk about SPEW.

*Remember SPEW?

*The party finally picks up when a sulking Snape gets dragged over by red-faced, bloodshot-eyed Slughorn and hears how great Harry suddenly is at Potions.

*ETA: I'd expect Snape to know that already, actually. I know he's probably lost Draco as his source, but Snape's grudge against Harry would probably have him keeping track of him all the time. Like if Harry had an lj, Snape would obsessively read it just so he could rant about it.

*The conversation gets sidetracked as Luna yanks the spotlight onto herself, just where she likes it. Harry finds Luna hilarious, having wisely arranged to only deal with her in small doses.

*If the party was getting good when Snape was dragged over, it actually becomes good when Filch drags in Draco Malfoy by the ear. (Was he dragged by the ear by McGonagall too? He was 11 then. It’s pretty nice of him not to just Petrify and Obliviate Filch, eh? ETA: Nah. Probably just incompetent and cowardly of him!)

*My chest swells with a mother’s pride as Draco pretends to have been trying to crash the party to cover up his murder plans. My baby’s so grown up he can deal with small humiliations for the greater good! Err..greater bad! You know what I mean.

*ETA: Enjoy this illusion of growth while it lasts, people.

*Slughorn may not be able to have Draco in his club, but he does know his name, which is more than Ron gets.

*Actually, I would suspect Slughorn always has to remind himself to not treat Draco as one of his own given his background.

*It’s like being woken out of a doze when Snape and Malfoy actually do something intriguing by showing zero interest in the stuff we’ve been killing time with for several chapters. It's like they think they in a story that totally isn't there and never was!

*I love the way both their faces slide quickly into totally believable covers, with Snape inscrutable and Malfoy’s smiling and thanking Slughorn for his generosity. It’s the Slytherin book all right. ETA: By the next book we'll remember they're not supposed to be good at this at all again.

*Not to mention Draco’s got some fabulously dramatic wasting going on. Greyish skin, dark circles. Someone give this boy a big shirt and a book of Romantic poetry, quick!

*ETA: And no girls are making fools over themselves over this new emo!Draco? I'm surprised we missed the chance for that stupid girl stereotype. Oh wait, Myrtle. She makes the point without encroaching on Harry's territory.

*Snape, as Draco’s Head of House, will decide how hard or otherwise to be on him. Snape and Malfoy leave, to the accompanying 70s porn music.

*Harry follows Snape and Malfoy out of the party. Readers like me are eternally grateful to finally leave the inanity of Gryffindor Creek behind.

*Snape tells Malfoy he’s suspected of having a hand in the necklace plot. Malfoy asks who suspects him “angrily.” I can’t help but wonder if he’s angry at Snape for trying to scare him into thinking he’s suspected, or if he’s angry at knowing that nobody would suspect him. Harry suspects you, Draco! He knows what you’re capable of! He always believed in you!

*I like Draco’s, “Don’t look at me like that—I know you’re trying to read my mind!” Because I can totally see Snape adopting a big vampire penetrating glare to do Legilimancy and Draco’s all, “Cut that out!” trying to sound commanding and failing. Okay, maybe the Slytherins never *completely* remembered they're supposed to be the cunning ones.

*A moment ago Harry was sticking to the usual “Malfoy sucks up to Snape.” But in the face of something important going on he admits Malfoy has actually shown respect and liking for Snape all these years.

*ETA: Enjoy that respect and liking while it lasts, too. It won't be needed after this book and so will get tossed along with any respect or liking one might have mistakenly thought Snape had back. Snape/Lily 4-EVAH!!11!

*Snape definitely needs a glass of elf wine. I never felt so sympathetic about Dumbledore having to deal with CAPSLOCK!Harry as I do Snape dealing with Draco Malfoy, Surly Teen Death Eater. ETA: Just breathe deep and think of Lily, Snape.

*Snape does slip a little when he directly asks Draco to tell him his plan. A little too obvious there, Snape. But he gets back on track pointing out Draco’s elementary mistakes.

*I have to give JKR props here. For years those of us who actually liked the Snape/Draco stuff wondered how Snape’s double agent stuff would bite him on the arse and here it is. Draco doesn’t reject him because he finds out he’s really on DD’s side, Snape gets trapped by his DE persona. DADA is just an act! We’ve nothing to fear from it, right? DE don’t really help each other! Poor, poor Snape.

*ETA: ::sigh:: Poor, poor Snape indeed. He will be so much less impressive to me a year from now.

*Any bets as to Draco’s “better people” that are helping him? Bellatrix for one, I’d guess. ETA: Doesn't matter.

*I’ve never thought of this before, but you know how Draco says Snape’s trying to “steal his glory” and there’s a pause before Snape says coldly that he’s speaking like a child? There’s a pause there. Snape doesn’t immediately react by sneering that’s ridiculous or whatever. Nor does he lose his temper. Suddenly I wonder if there’s something more significant in that line. Like maybe Snape said something similar to someone once upon a time or someone said it to him. The conversation sometimes goes quickly and sometimes there’s pauses stuck in. There’s one where Snape tries to do Occlumency to find out if Draco did the necklace. Then there’s a pause when Draco suggests Snape report him to Dumbledore (perhaps he’s considering it?). Then they both get excited and talk over each other until the "Steal my glory" line.

*ETA: Poor, poor me from the past. Lower your expectations, past!me!

*ETA: And btw, that does not=past!me projecting onto the book. It's more just a consequence of using characters as devices to be detonated and cleared away.

*Snape brings up Lucius’ capture and imprisonment and Draco storms out. I sort of hope Draco’s been dealing with some conflicted feelings about Dad’s capture and imprisonment by now. Like maybe he’s getting a bit angry at Dad.

*ETA: Pfft. That would require Draco to have more conflicts than the single one he was assigned at birth. (That would be the evil vs. sensitive conflict.)

*Snape returns to the party, which was about ten minutes away from a drunken orgy when he last left it, so he may need to restore some order. I suspect Blaise Zabini’s already put on a toga and a laurel wreath.

H/D fanfic cliché alerts:
The one where Draco eavesdrops on a conversation about Love Potions in the library and wonders why didn’t he think of that last year. The one where Draco's hiding in the stack but is unable to keep completely silent. (We all know what H/D!Draco was doing in that book stack.)

The one where Harry notes that Draco looks ill.

The one where only Harry believes in Draco having a point in the world!

Slytherin liquid count:
As a Slytherin Chapter, "The Unbreakable Vow" brings the liquid to the yard. We’ve got Love Potions, offers of gilly water and whisky-filled cauldrons, mead, sherry, butterbeer and anything else alcoholic at Slughorn’s party. Drunken Slughorn, drunken Trelawney. A vampire who drinks blood, Slughorn’s eyes are shot with blood. Hermione gets briefly mistaken for Moaning Myrtle when she cries in the bathroom.

This chapter wins an award for this category when Harry breathes in his mead in response to Luna says something silly. A moment later he "emerges" "out of his goblet, coughing and soaking wet but still grinning"—and that’s when he sees Malfoy.

Box Picture
Jeremy Irons is The Vampire.

IITS
Really Harry, nobody’s interested in attempted murder. Can’t you talk about something more compelling? Like the Chemistry teacher’s party?

Informed Attributes
Harry and Hermione talk about something less than serious. I think not.

Misdirected Answering
The whole school’s simply buzzing about Harry Potter taking Luna to the party. We’ve forgotten all about that murder plot!

"Watermelon, watermelon, cantaloupe, cantaloupe"
Watermelon watermelon Slughorn’s Party Cataloupe.

Final score: 5

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

*Ah, Romilda and her friends plotting with Love Potions takes me back to my high school days. Tons of girls dying to put out and having to drug a guy to do it.

OMG! We went to the same high school! squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

*ETA: Of course probably the prize for "stuff everybody thought was one of those Chekovian guns but wasn't" goes to The Draught of Death.

*mourns*

*Luna says she’s noticed Ron can be a bit unkind, which frankly sounds like another one of those, "Listen up, the author is telling you how you should be judging these characters!"

I didn't like it within the series, as in "In this book, Dumbledore is Rowling's mouthpiece... in that book or in that scene Hermione speaks for the author..." Pretty soon, everyone who had any sort of judgmental saying was speaking for the author.

*The authorial voice then hops into Harry’s head to tell us that Luna speaks uncomfortable truths and is unlike anyone our hero has ever met. Just in case you thought that Luna only speaks uncomfortable truths when they get her attention and is only as unique as her common stereotype.

Run! It's Mass Authorial Possession Time at Hogwarts!

*But wait, we’re not finished humiliating the girls of Hogwarts just yet! A crowd shows up to glare at Harry resentfully as he walks off with Luna! How dare he be so good to choose the worthy girl who isn't popular over them? C'mon girls, amirite?

Yup, you're right. Only in my school we'd have been glaring at Luna and plotting something dire in the alley before she ever set foot out her door to go to the party.

*ETA: Enjoy this illusion of growth while it lasts, people.

My pointsettia from last year is starting to get red brachts on it.

*It’s like being woken out of a doze when Snape and Malfoy actually do something intriguing by showing zero interest in the stuff we’ve been killing time with for several chapters. It's like they think they in a story that totally isn't there and never was!

Smart guys. No wonder they were both castrated in DH.

Luna's line about Ron always brings me up short because...I know there's probably plenty of people who think of Ron as being obnoxious but it just seems so out of left field to me. Sure I can think of places where Ron is unkind, but he doesn't stand out even you cut out the obviously unkind people in Slytherin.

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