The Tales of Beedle The Bard

[mmmarcusz.livejournal.com]

 <lj-cut text="The Tales of Beedle The Bard">

 

Hi, first time writer.

 

* Rowling's intro is dull and unnecessary.

 

*If wizard and Muggle culture weren't separated when Beedle was writing, why do they have separate fairytales?

 

*Didn't bards recite poetry and play music, rather than writing stories?

 

*"the wicked witch has poisoned the apple" - where does it say Snow White's stepmother was a witch? Or that it was a magical poison?

 

*Beedle's heroines take their fate into their own hands - rather than sit around and wait for a father figure to tell them what to do like certain other heroes?

 

* "he rather liked Muggles, whom he regarded as ignorant" - ah, probably a Weasley ancestor.

 

*Beedle's heroes and heroines display kindness, common sense and ingenuity. Pity he didn't write the Harry Potter books, then.

 

*"Tragic events atop the Hogwarts Astronomy Tower"? But wasn't it not tragic after all, given that Dumbledore was about to die anyway?

 

*Anyway, on to "The Wizard and the Hopping Pot". Our wizard dispenses free magical medicine. All he asks for in return is the adulation and hero-worship of the locals. He leaves a slipper inside his cooking-pot at death with an unhelpful cryptic note. Probably a Dumbledore ancestor then.

 

*The son resolves to use the pot as a rubbish pail - um, why?

 

*"Begone! What care I for your brat's warts?" Why does he insist on using Ye Olde Syntaxe? This is supposedly written in dialect English of the 15th century and would be thus completely unintelligible, not just contain mixed-up sentences. It could be that this is an affectation by Hermione in translation, but JKR's not that subtle. And why is it written in runes (according to the frontispiece) in the 15th century?

 

*He couldn't sleep with the pot banging - does this imply that he tried to sleep? With a crazed pot jumping around next to him?

 

*"And I am hungry now!" - too right. Only one of three who come to his door even bothers to say "please". They just assumed they could suck that magic teat forever.

 

*Bad cheese and sour milk? No wonder the townspeople have become incompetent at farm work if they had a wizard around to magic away their stupidity. And no wonder that guy didn't bother tying up his donkey properly - if it wandered off, a wizard would save it anyway.

 

*I like to imagine the flying donkey is the same one from Shrek.

 

*The moral appears to be - if you have a necessary skill, don't teach anyone how to perform it; just do it yourself and say it's magic that no-one else can do. The wizard could have just told them how to identify dittany and to wipe it on the sick baby, thereby transferring his skills to the community; but then they wouldn' t depend on him. By Rowling's logic, we should spend all our aid money on sending food to the Third World, instead of education, peacekeeping, water systems or electricity. After all, those "Muggles" would just make a mess of it!

 

*It's clear why Dumbledore likes this story. It has his two favourite things: blind obedience to a doddering father figure, and pointlessly cryptic instructions. "But he was teaching his son a lesson!", you say. Yeah - but couldn't he have written, "Dear Unnamed Son. Do everything the villagers tell you to do or the cooking-pot will become slightly irritating. Yours, dead unnamed father." without ENDANGERING A BABY'S LIFE? For all father wizard knew, his son would just run away and leave the whole village to die of idiocy.

 

*The alternative Hopping Pot story is much more fun.

 

*Brutus Malfoy: obviously evil. Because evil is in the blood. Also, he has an nasty name. 

 

*"any wizard who shows a fondness for the society of Muggles is of low intelligence" - exhibit A, Arthur Weasley. 

 

*Mrs Bloxam's version sounds a lot less pedestrian. I think I'd prefer that one too.

 

 

 

"The Fountain of Fair Fortune"

 

*"The Fountain's benison" - someone's been at the thesaurus!

 

*"The sky was rent with the first ray of sun" - oh, come on. The rising sun's rays do not "rend" the sky. There's a difference between poetic language and faux-etic language.

 

*I made a pun.

 

*If you're interested, Altheda (al-thada) is Arabic for "faith", Asha is Hindi for "hope" and Amata suggests the Latin "amat", "she loves", so "love", these being the three Christian virtues. None of them will show any of these virtues, though, "faith" being anathema among areligious wizards, "hope" being unnecessary as everyone knows the fountain works, and "love" - more like desperation, a dumped woman falling for the first vaguely nice man she sees.

 

*They reach the foot of the hill - but weren't the walls around the garden already on the hill? Is there a second hill on top of the first hill?

 

*The worm was blind, unlike all other worms of course.

 

*"Pay me the proof of your pain" - more annoying riddles. Albus is happy.

 

*A giant worm licking tears off a woman's face - probably the most disturbing image I have ever been forced to imagine. Does Rowling design death metal album covers on the side?

 

*Maybe she means "Worm" as the archaic term for a dragon, but this should really be said.

 

*Now they need sweat. Any guesses what the third fluid will be? I'll give you a clue - it determines whether you're good or evil.

 

* I was wrong! Curse you, Rowling, and your occasional descent into non-cliche.

 

*How are Muggles supposed to pour their memories into the stream?

 

*A random collection of herbs thrown together in a minute can cure any fatal illness? God, Snape must be a shit teacher if it takes hours to make a boil-relieving potion.

 

*Actually, why did they have to make boil-relieving potions at Hogwarts? Who gets boils nowadays? Wizards who never wash themselves except after Quidditch, I suppose.

 

*Apparently Amata's gift was the gift of being a bitch. Girls, remember, if your boyfriend leaves you it's because he's "cruel and faithless". No other explanation.

 

*The fountain illustration features magical symbols: Mars, Sun/Moon, Jupiter, Omega, Mercury, All-Seeing Eye, Saturn, Deathly Hallows. These, of course, don't mean anything, they're just meant to look vaguely eldritch. And the winged snake (?) appears to be vomiting on itself.

 

*And it turned out the magic was in their hearts all along and the fountain wasn't magical! Tough shit for all the kids with leukaemia who climbed up to the fountain in the past.

 

* Note that none of them makes a heroic sacrifice. The poor witch gets her money, the sick one gets better, the lovelorn witch and the lonely knight get together. In fact it's a total copout of an ending - rather than them having to decide which is most deserving of the blessing, which might possibly lead to conflict, character development or drama, several dei ex machina arrive to end the story.

 

* Any school play must, of course, involve a love triangle in the cast. It's cliche D-32.8 of high school TV/movies.

 

*It seems the previous COMC teacher was even stupider than Hagrid. I like to imagine him doing Hagridish things, but in an even more "X-Treme" way. Kettleburn called Filch a "filthy, ugly sneakin' Squib" every day, threw students into lion pits to toughen them up, gave third years an eldritch abomination to fly on their first day, and made sixth years hunt a centaur for their final exam. He lived in a leaf pile behind Hagrid's hut and subsisted on Hagrid's garbage and unicorn blood. He made three kids visit him almost every day and fed them mud pies and bits of concrete, and attempted suicide if they didn't show up. He broke into Hagrid's house and stole the leftover tea from Harry, Ron and Hermione's mugs. His letters were so encrusted with tears, blood, sweat and semen that they were always illegible, but he could only write one word ("TEA") so his three "friends" knew what it meant. He fed one to a Manticore when she didn't take COMC as a NEWT. The school paid him in gin, ten bottles a week. While a student, Kettleburn (the Heir of Hufflepuff) raised a giant robotic badger to remove all the intelligent people from the school. It devoured fifty students and Headmaster Dippet, giving a certain Transfiguration professor the fancy office. So a deal was made in gratitude and Kettleburn got a job for life.

 

*To raise the badger, press the button on the wall of the Hufflepuff common room with a picture of a robot badger on it. Because thinking hurts.

 

*If Harry can regrow limbs, why can't Kettleburn? Because cripples are funny? I can imagine Fred and George making hideously cruel puns. "That dragon must have cost you an an arm and a leg", "I have to hand it to you", "There's no 'arm in it", "standing on your own two feet", "Bet you were legless at the pub last night" ['legless' is slang for 'drunk'] Those wacky guys.

 

*Unsurprising that Hogwarts bans theatre, seeing as there's no sign of fiction, poetry, or art of any kind there either. Who needs culture when you've got violent sport and Gobstones?

 

*Hahaha! "Lord Voldemort's Favourite Death Eater"! Great joke Albus, I bet the loved ones of the hundreds who were killed by the Death Eaters found it extra funny.

 

*Is Dumbledore saying that he didn't care Lucius was a Death Eater until he tried to have Dumbledore sacked? And why would Lucius explicitly mention Draco's lust for hot Muggle booty?

 

 

 

"The Warlock's Hairy Heart"

 

*Gambolling? As in, frolicking around like a pony? What sort of fruity world does our warlock inhabit?

 

*"Sagacity": again with the thesaurus.

 

*"What wife could be worthy of Lord Martius, Duke of Stue, the handsome, rich and talented? Search the land for Lady Maria de Sue!"

 

*It would take a hundred years to find such a woman, but one turned up the next day. A bit like if you were moving around the entire island of Britain (80,000 square miles) at random and happened to land 200 yards away from your school buddies just as they were performing expository dialogue.

 

*Or if you ran away from home, had no idea what to do and accidentally summoned a bus that could take you anywhere in the country.

 

*Ick. Way to charm her, warlock. Boys, remember: when you meet a girl for the first time, do not show her your hairy organ of love. She won't like that at all.

 

*Is Harry's chest monster a hairy heart?

 

*So trying to be invulnerable by avoiding love is foolish, big D? Bit hypocritical. Maybe JKR intends us to see the contradiction, but probably not.

 

*Love must be "unbreakable, eternal, unconditional"? Way to fuck up a generation of kids, Rowling. Aren't you a middle-aged woman who's been married twice? Shouldn't your view of  Love (capital L) have changed since the age of fourteen?

 

*Note that it's "A Guide TO Wizards who won't commit", not "A Guide FOR Wizards who won't commit". A book to teach ladies how to snare a husband, given that that's the main task of the witch aged 15-17 (All witches find a nice man at Hogwarts during NEWT years).

 

 

 

 

"Babbitty Rabbitty and her Cackling Stump"

 

*Oooh, soldiers and dogs. Those people with magic powers will be quite helpless.

 

*"The King's Private Magic Master" - sounds just a little naughty, doesn't it?

 

*Babbitty cleans linen, and is therefore a virtuous woman. Wicked women don't wash.

 

*I like to imagine the charlatan being "halved" a la the movie Walk Hard.

 

*The king believes that by cutting a witch in half he has cursed the kingdom. Killing dozens of witches and wizards before this was OK though.

 

*How foolish: Muggles think the tree can think and talk. Unlike all those inanimate objects that can also talk (and maybe think).

 

*Wait, she was threatening him with the Cruciatus Curse? But she's the heroine so I suppose she was being "gallant". And if it's not illegal then it's not evil.

 

 

 

 

"The Tale of the Three Brothers"

 

* So Death can't see through Invisibility Cloaks, but Dumbledore can? 

 

*Why does Death need a physical cloak to be invisible?

 

*This story is unimaginably lame. Don't be ambitious: it'll make people murder you. Don't try and resurrect your lost love, even though Love is supposedly "unbreakable, eternal, unconditional". If you were told you could have anything in the world, and you asked for your dead girlfriend back, shouldn't that be presented as a good thing to ask for? Yeah yeah, death is final (unless you're Gary Stu), you've said it a million times Jo. It's not like there are literate children who are unaware of this.

 

*The best thing to be is passive, and hide from your enemies with a cowardly cloak. "then he greeted Death as an old friend, and went with him gladly, and, equals, they departed this life." WTF? Is life for the elderly that horrific that death is a blessing? How does not fearing Death - an eternal cosmic force - make you his equal? And how does Death depart this life? It's not alive to begin with.

 

*Why would you engrave a picture of a coffin onto a tombstone?

 

*Dumbledore's lying. This is unsurprising.

 

*Knowing the three words "Hope springs eternal" makes you well-read in wizard terms? A whole novel would probably give a wizard an aneurysm.

 

*"He died as he had lived, in a ferocious duel with a wizard known as Egbert." This implies that his whole life was one long duel with Egbert.

 

*Godelote alsoe uses Ye Olde Spellinge, withoute anne attempte atte realistick accuracie.

 

*If Dumbledore doesn't want people to know about the Elder Wand, why does he keep on talking about it? 

 

*"humans have a knack of choosing those things that are precisely worst for them." Therefore, be passive like Harry Potter and don't make a single decision in your entire life. A kindly father figure will sort everything out.

 

 

 

Letter from Baroness Nicholson.

 

*Don't want to criticise the closing letter, but "most of them are not orphans, but are in care because their families are poor, disabled or from ethnic minorities": W.T.F??? Do they steal gypsy children away from the camps, or something? Don't want them to grow up and rob us, after all. 

 

*Charity seems very worthy, but only 23% of the cover price (£1.61 of £6.99) goes to the charity? Does it honestly cost £5.38 to print a slim A5 hardback? Bloomsbury must be creaming a nice profit. Maybe send a fiver to the CHLG as a direct donation instead.</lj-cut>

Comments

[breathingbooks.livejournal.com]

This is rather long. Lj-cut, please?

[eir-de-scania.livejournal.com]

*Don't want to criticise the closing letter, but "most of them are not orphans, but are in care because their families are poor, disabled or from ethnic minorities": W.T.F??? Do they steal gypsy children away from the camps, or something? Don't want them to grow up and rob us, after all.

Many children at orphanages all over the world has at least one living parent - but a parent/s that can't take care of them for some reason. Alcoholism/drug abuse, being in jail, having left the country in search of a better life...or, as said above, disabled, or poor...the list is endless. Then we have the illegitimate children, as well as the truly unwanted in many places: handicapped children.

[teratologist.livejournal.com]

True, but you have to admit that it does sounds odd to list are ethnic minorities/I> in the letter as though it were a reason in and of itself for putting children in care, instead of a factor in other reasons like poverty or persecution. Perhaps it's just poor grammar, but it strikes me badly in light of the weird history of child-stealing in colonialism and the way that's reflected in the Harry Potter universe itself (taking away the exceptional children of "inferior" humans to raise them in the culture of the "superior" humans.)

[teratologist.livejournal.com]

Always with the html fail in posts where I'm actually trying to make a point.

[beatnikspinster.livejournal.com]

Can you place this behind and lj cut, please?

[seductivedark.livejournal.com]

First, LJ cut is good. You can find it if you look in the FAQ under "link" - how do I link, yadda yadda, what is an lj-cut? I think you can edit and put this behind the cut. I've never actually posted at a community, just at my own LJ. Anyone?

Second:
And why would Lucius explicitly mention Draco's lust for hot Muggle booty?

Draco lusted for hot Muggle booty? Obviously Lucius should have raised the boy in a cupboard. He would have come to appreciate the cold Witch's teat.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I have not read this book but it's good to see it continues the obsession with true love being eternal and fearing death being bad because it's...bad for some reason. Even though dead people pop up all the time to talk and all. I read somebody talking about the Cackling story who said it was basically the Emperor's New Clothes only instead of being about the hypocrisy of adult society it was about how Muggles were stupid. It seems like a lot of these stories show that Hagrid is right, that if Muggles knew Wizards exist they would just expect them to solve everything for them with magic...since that's how Wizards solve everything for themselves.

Also, yeah, it's funny in that quote it does sound as if the children are "in care because their families are from ethnic minorities" as if ethnic minorities can't take care of their children--or shouldn't. You'd think somebody would have caught that and explained it a little better.

[artystone.livejournal.com]

You'd think somebody would have caught that and explained it a little better.

Oh I'm sure we're due for another "clear the air" interview from Jo on that subject.

[elanor-x.livejournal.com]

Haven't read the book yet, so did Dumbledore called Lucius "Lord Voldemort's Favourite Death Eater"? I thought about Snape. :(

[papier.livejournal.com]

I admit I've only read one story while I was in the book shop. It was the Hairy-heart story and the moral seemed to be 'either get married and have kids or be evil'. I put it down and walked away.

[artystone.livejournal.com]

the moral seemed to be 'either get married and have kids or be evil'. I put it down and walked away.

Well it wouldn't do to be inconsistent with the rest of the series now, would it?

[papier.livejournal.com]

Oh, of course. We all know Rowling's rather pathetic beliefs on what is 'normal and good' must be made clear to readers at all times. It's a shame she wasn't so stringent with keeping those little things called plot and characterisation consistant - but I suppose we can't have it all, eh? :(

[jodel-from-aol.livejournal.com]

It turns out that The Guardian has posted the "digested" tales of Beedle the Bored. It's short.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/audio/2008/dec/08/digested-read-jk-rowling

[seductivedark.livejournal.com]

That was cute.

[merrymelody.livejournal.com]

Harrowing only in their predictability - ROFL.

Thanks for the link.

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

It's like "Beedle the Bard: Abridged"!

[jodel-from-aol.livejournal.com]

Is that the one that describes them as being "harrowing only in their predictability"?

[jodel-from-aol.livejournal.com]

Well, yes, evidently. Didn't read the original date whenthis cropped up in my mailbox.

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Well, yeah. That sound byte that came up earlier in the thread. Because it's like in an anime abridged series: the guy's condensing the book and poking fun at each of the more ridiculous bits piece by piece.

Did you hear this?

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/audio/2008/dec/08/digested-read-jk-rowling

[n1ght1ng4l3.livejournal.com]

I’m very insulted at the fact that JKR ditched Muggle Fairy Tales completely because they make the woman useless. How dare this woman say such a thing? In which world does she live? Arabian Nights is a fantastic piece where the hero is in fact a woman, who uses her intelligence to prove to the King that his killing of wives is wrong. Some of the stories in Arabian Nights have women having the principal role and being the heroes too from what I recall. From the top of my head I can remember Alice in Wonder Land, Beauty and the Beast, Hansel and Gretel, Little Riding Hood and The Little Mermaid! I’m sure I could make an extensive list if I sat down and made a trip down the memory lane. I can understand that there are a lot stories focused on man then women, but completely disregarding it? I think not! I don’t see why she would point this out either, especially when there’s only one woman that actually fends for herself and isn’t a damsel in distress in her books. I guess she wasn’t read many valuable Fairy Tales then.

NOTES

Complete disregarding of Muggles by saying that they’re ignorant. Is there any meaningful thing to this? Does JKR think she’s some witch and she’s making fun of our ignorance? Has her delusions reached this far? I would be surprised if the man liked Muggles and thought them to be intelligent.

The worst excesses of wizards sprang from the cruelty of Muggles? Excuse me, but which one of these two factions is letting half of the world dying of hunger (there’s no food conjuring, but there is multiplying it, Harry shows this with Slughorn’s wine!) or poor conditions that would be gone with a flick of a wand? Albus Dumbledore had similar views. *Snerk* I’m not surprised since he was a Hitler wanabe when he was young and always delusions of his greatness through his life.

Then JKR proceeds to lavish upon the titles of supreme Dumbledore. Stop woman. You said it yourself, the man is gay. Also, you’re in doubt if he just wanted them for private use or wanted to publish them? Are you trying to tell me that attention seeker Albus Dumbledore, who liked to have a hand in every pie, wouldn’t like to show the world his true and magnificent (right) intellect even if it was just Fairy Tales? Please remember the twisted character you created, he would surely be more than delighted!

I laughed at Hermione being an editor for this (she sure likes multi-tasking), since she’s JKR’s series avatar and therefore being downright ironic that she indeed used herself as editor to her stories.

THE WIZARD AND THE HOPPING POT

Hated the fact that because the poor son thought that Muggles were worthless he had to be a greedy person and also, rude. I also wonder why the man didn’t check before opening the door, oh yeah, he thought that Muggles were worthless, therefore he was stupid. I liked the rest of the story though, and with power comes great responsibility. I lament that this nasty person over here did what no witch or wizard does in the whole Harry Potter series.

Hated the fact that by loving Muggle-borns you’re instantly more powerful, but then again, it was Dumbledore’s notes.

[n1ght1ng4l3.livejournal.com]

THE FOUNTAIN OF FAIR FORTUNE

JKR said that women in these Tails are better than their Muggle counterparts. I can't see where crying, which is a big women stereotype, is any better than sleeping. I also fail to see how a knight asking for a woman and then instantly falling in love doesn't align itself with Muggle Tales and their stereotype of women.

I laughed at the 'no vanity' and 'perfect' from Dumbledore's mini hill and fountain making. Although I don't doubt the second (it's Dumbledore!), I do NOT believe the first.

I also think that two women fighting for a man is very stereotyped, although not in Fairy Tails, I'll give her that.

Lucius Malfoy reminds me why I love him to death by saying that a Muggle and a witch together it's interbreeding. Dumbledore's letter has no meaning and shows nothing but his complete ignorance as to why Pureblood witches and wizards think they're superior (or then they're just stupid, ah wait, they’re all in Slytherin, I see a pattern emerging here...).


THE WARLOCK’S HAIRY HEART

Bad boy syndrome and now that you're healed from your bad boy attitude, you'll know true love. *Glomps.* Every fanfiction known to man to involve Sirius Black or Severus Snape (or both) and their arrogant and playboy/dark side could have this as a summary. It has purple prose and everything. Then it's horror B movie coupled with Romeo and Juliet (maybe a jock at said fanfiction?).

I wonder what an accomplished witch is called if wizards are called warlocks.

This story also introduces the stupidity (or enhances it) of having a fountain of Amortentia in the Department of Mysteries. How come something that it doesn't create true love is being studied at all? By Unspeakables, which seemingly have to be smart?

Also sad that people who don't want to marry and have kids end up evil people. Poor priests and nuns and popes...

BABBITTY RABBITTY AND HER CACKLING STUMP

Did NOT like the statue in honour of herself, how Albus Dumbledore of her.

I also HATE the fact that ambition in a goal although seemingly impossible is seen as stupid. If that was true, we would never set a foot on the Moon (well I didn't, but still).

A washroom lady having the time, effort and money to study and practice Animagus is ridiculous. The fact that she is a washroom lady (no offence to them) when she has so much talent in magic is also ridiculous.

And then confirmation that wands channel magic and not spurt magic and I remembered Deathly Hallows and its obvious rape of this law.

THE TALE OF THE THREE BROTHERS

Death being cunning equals Death was in Slytherin once. I have no doubt of this whatsoever. Death also isn't being cunning, he/she/it lies when giving the prizes. The Elder Wand doesn't always win duels and the Resurrection Stone doesn't bring back the dead. Death lied and I want to know who's going to punish this person/thing/entity for it!

Aberforth's favourite story evolves goats. It seems he started young.

Cried a bit about Moody and Dumbledore being able to see something that death couldn't (or that the Cloak was supposed to be). Although I bet Moody didn’t do it on purpose, I know Dumbledore did and he took special pleasure on it, it's so special!

I don't understand how the Philosopher's stone fits into the Resurrection Stone as Dumbledore so eloquently says though (besides both being stones), because the Philosopher's stone only extends life (and gives new bodies apparently).

Emeric had to evil of course, and then we have a Dark Arts lover and even made an evil book. The only people that owned the wand and were decent were Dumbledore and Harry so therefore everyone else had to be murderers, thieves, madman (why didn't Sirius and Bellatrix had the wand at some point?), terrorisers, Nazis too and the like. This logic doesn't surprise me the least.

I face palmed at the 'those knowledgeable about wandlore' and then the footnote saying 'such as myself'. Dumbledore doesn't miss a chance to show how impressive and special he is.

I liked that the Elder Wand accumulated power, wisdom and strength though and that it could rule minds. Maybe Dumbledore wasn't the sole responsible for his manipulation of Harry and the wand had a sadistic pleasure on it (nah, it’s JKR).

[n1ght1ng4l3.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I had to break this into three parts.

As a final note... So let me get this straight... two stories with woman actually doing something and three others where man rule? Where does this show the supremacy of Witches against Muggle Women regarding Fairy Tales? Head desks.

I’ll buy this book when it’s available in my country only to help the children. I wouldn’t buy it otherwise. I didn’t buy Deathly Hallows and I’m very proud of it (a friend borrowed me his when he told me it sucked).