deathtocapslock | CoS Chapter Eighteen

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CoS Chapter Eighteen

*Why do I not think it’s the reward I’d like to give him?

*Boy, the adults have never looked worse than in this scene, have they? Please tell us, oh 7th grader who’s not too bright, how you managed to get the girl out of the secret chamber in the cellar while we were all sitting around with our thumbs up our asses?

*Did Harry really break school rules doing all of this? Which ones? Don’t talk to the taps? Don’t hold your teachers at wand point? Oh, probably it’s cause he went into the girl’s room and he’s a boy.

*Very few people know that Voldemort was once called Tom Riddle. Partly because I, Dumbledore, keep it a secret for some reason.

*There will be no punishment for Ginny. Oh, let’s go better than that. No punishment and no discussion of how maybe she should have told the adults what was going on when she knew she was the one practically killing people. Let’s just declare it Ginny is Awesome Day.

*No lasting harm done—where will Dumbledore say that again? Oh right, to the second would-be student murderer doing Lord Voldemort’s bidding.

*What—how dare I compare the two at all when Ginny is so pure and true and Malfoy is so none of those things? If I were a house elf I’d iron my hands!

*Okay, they’re not exactly alike. That’s why Malfoy ought to think about what might have happened to other people while Ginny should just have hot chocolate.

*Funny how Malfoy seems to be so much more tormented by his own almost-murderous guilt than Ginny ever is. Only cowards are guilty.

*Dumbledore makes a joke about Lockhart impaling himself on his own sword. Thus implying he knows what he’s been doing all this time. And not telling anybody about it. And letting him teach. No wonder the Board of Governors love him.

*Now it’s time for the book’s lesson. Why did Harry get the bird of healing to save him? Because he was personally loyal to Dumbledore. Wouldn’t want you to think you could survive without being loyal to Dumbledore.

*Dumbledore tells Harry he has some qualities Slytherin prized in his hand-picked students. Determination, resourcefulness, a certain disregard for the rules. Parseltongue. He’s just humoring Harry of course. Slytherin only chose people for being Pure-bloods.

*So Dumbledore asks why the hat put Harry in Gryffindor. Harry says only because he asked to be. Dumbledore says yes. Um, that would be no, Dumbledore. It did not only put him in Gryffindor because he asked not to be put in Slytherin—at least not as far as we know. It might have put him in Gryffindor regardless.

*You know, many people have tried to explain to be how this scene *isn’t* Dumbledore totally agreeing with Harry’s impression that being in Slytherin proves you’re a bad person and that choosing against Slytherin is choosing to be a good person, but I’m not seeing it. The whole point really is "Don’t worry, Harry. Just look at what a Gryffindor you are—be insecure no longer in your Gryffindor-ness!"

*Only a true Gryffindor could have pulled out that sword. So to review, Harry may very well have been saved because he was a) loyal to Dumbledore and b) a true Gryffindor. If Luna had gone down there she would have been toast.

*I mean, really. Could he at least hint that, like, if he’d have been a Ravenclaw, Slytherin or Hufflepuff he would have pulled out a different but equally impressive and effective weapon? Like Helga’s battle axe, Rowena’s wand or Slytherin’s Silver Blow Dart?

*I guess they have no Gryffindors on the Board of Governors if they all agreed to suspend Dumbledore because Lucius threatened to curse their families.

*Because it’s not like everybody doesn’t really totally love Dumbledore except for those awful Slytherins.

*But more importantly—ooh, threatening to curse their families? What goes around comes around, eh Lucius?

*Luckily Lucius, as a Slytherin, sucks at lying. Dumbledore can be all smooth all the time, but when he hits Lucius with sticking Ginny with the diary the man turns into a five year old covered in jam pretending he didn’t go into the jam jar.

*Um, Lucius did not give Dobby a sock. He just threw a sock. I can’t believe that if all Dobby had to do was wait for Lucius to toss an article of clothing—in this case one which doesn’t even belong to him—he hasn’t had the chance yet. Do the Malfoys never leave clothes lying anywhere? No wonder Hermione thinks her nonsense in OotP will work.

*Of course Harry couldn’t have been a Slytherin. He doesn’t bounce on concrete.

*Dobby bids adieu, but not without reminding us how incredibly tedious he is by explaining why he supposedly didn’t just tell Harry about Voldemort before. Oh, shut up Dobby.

*So who do people think was the Heir, exactly? Am I supposed to believe that everybody knew it was Ginny all this time and nobody held it against her? This crowd? I don’t believe it.

*Exams are cancelled as a school treat. That’s not a school treat, McGonagall, that’s cancelling school. Have you never heard of a pizza party?

*The teachers (who remember don’t even know about Lockhart’s dastardly deeds) cheer that Lockhart can’t come back because he’s been injured. Hurray!

*And now DADA is cancelled as well. No use finding somebody to substitute so the kids wouldn’t lose an entire year. Was Grubbly-Plank not available?

*Draco looks resentful and sulky. Ginny looks perfectly happy, since it’s not like she’s got any reason to feel the least bit guilty for covering up for the Heir once she knew perfectly well she was the one putting people in danger and might kill someone any moment. It’s great to be one of the Chosen Ones who only have to take responsibility for your better moments. She just made a mistake. It makes her human and so even better than she’d have been if she’d done the right thing!

*And what’s the one DADA thing the kids actually did learn this year? Disarming each other through magic. You know, the thing SNAPE taught them.

*And then Ginny tells on Percy. See, Percy, why would you trust her to keep your secret? You’re not a twin.

*I won’t ask why Ginny was walking into empty classrooms herself.

*I hope everybody appreciates Percy kissing in one, though. We’ve got him to thank for the fanon trope!

*Btw, I love the way Ginny says "It’s that Ravenclaw Prefect, Penelope Clearwater. You know, the one that got—attacked." Nice switch to the passive tense, their Ginny. Attacked by whom, exactly? And why? Oh right, wasn’t she attacked right after you hunted the diary back even after you knew it would make you start attacking people?

Designated Hero
Harry Potter freed Dobby. And Dobby helpfully refused to pick up an article of clothing at the Malfoy house even when he was doing the laundry until now just so’s he could.

Hero’s Death Battle Exemption
That’s the one the Dursleys will be lamenting this summer, according to Harry.

IITS
And now we’re going to cancel all exams and DADA classes and—wait, we’re going to what? Why? Oh, iits.

Idiot World
Good thing that kid was here, or none of us brilliant Wizards would ever have found that room in the cellar.

Ken and Andrew’s Rule of Plot Holes
Little known fact, but it’s KaARoPH that is the spell that keeps House Elves enslaved against their will.

Final score: 5

Signs of things to come: Malfoys bounce. It’s in the genes. Dobby is, sadly, never going away. Ginny cares about nobody but herself. Everything about Percy is open to ridicule. Any reason to cancel school or tests is a good one. Dobby’s repulsive fawning over Harry for freeing him launches a thousand fantasies in Hermione’s head where a whole race of House Elves bows to her as their liberator.

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*Did Harry really break school rules doing all of this? Which ones? Don’t talk to the taps? Don’t hold your teachers at wand point? Oh, probably it’s cause he went into the girl’s room and he’s a boy.
The last sentence made me smile because of its irony, but the saddest thing is that I bet D meant exactly that and not holding teachers at wand point. Notice that he doesn't ask Harry how Lockhart got there - the vital question whether Harry is a true Gryffindor is discussed instead.

*Only a true Gryffindor could have pulled out that sword. So to review, Harry may very well have been saved because he was a) loyal to Voldemort and b) a true Gryffindor.
It's a typo, right? Did you mean "a) loyal to Dumbledore"? I remember you wrote that you typed D instead of V in the OoTF chapter about the battle in the ministry. Do you subconsciously find them similar? If yes, how?

*Draco looks resentful and sulky. Ginny looks perfectly happy, since it’s not like she’s got any reason to feel the least bit guilty for covering up for the Heir once she knew perfectly well she was the one putting people in danger and might kill someone any moment.
And people in the fandom had numerous heated debates whether Ginny should have looked unhappy after breaking up with Dean. The Irony.

It's a typo, right? Did you mean "a) loyal to Dumbledore"? I remember you wrote that you typed D instead of V in the OoTF chapter about the battle in the ministry. Do you subconsciously find them similar? If yes, how?

Oops! Yes, I fixed it now. I do that all the time. All the time. I don't know if it's that I find the character similar, but I always mix up their names.

And people in the fandom had numerous heated debates whether Ginny should have looked unhappy after breaking up with Dean. The Irony.

Yes, they're it's obvious--why should she be unhappy? She got rid of a guy who annoyed her and Harry's obviously going to ask her out. This is the same thing.

Look on the brightside. At least the book doesn't have the 'It's not Hogwarts without you, Hagrid', ending.

Ginny cares about nobody but herself.

And Harry! You forgot about Harry!

But what I find really funny is how Ron can't speak to the twins about Ginny's intense and dramatic love life but Ginny can blab about Percy with a guilt-free conscience. I think that really is the key problem with Ginny's character - conscience. She doesn't appear to have one.

And Harry! You forgot about Harry!

Harry and Ginny might as well be the same person, though, so it's the same.

And Ginny can talk about Percy's love life because it doesn't matter. It's Percy!

*And what’s the one DADA thing the kids actually did learn this year? Disarming each other through magic. You know, the thing SNAPE taught them.

God, this is so true. Yet then when Snape actually gets to TEACH DADA, we don't hear hardly ANYTHING about it. Was it a fake rumor all along that he wanted to teach it? I mean, wtf?

LOL! I know. Snape finally gets to teach DADA and...turns out he's pretty good at it.

*Dumbledore makes a joke about Lockhart impaling himself on his own sword. Thus implying he knows what he’s been doing all this time. And not telling anybody about it. And letting him teach.

It could be that Dumbledore's just sententiously rephrasing Ron's words. Except that he doesn't show any surprise that his latest DADA teacher wanted to Obliviate his students, nor does he ask what that was all about, so it does seem as if he knew.

*Now it’s time for the book’s lesson. Why did Harry get the bird of healing to save him? Because he was personally loyal to Dumbledore. Wouldn’t want you to think you could survive without being loyal to Dumbledore.

I stubbed my mental toe on this part even as a brand new, uncritical HP reader. That Dumbledore's personal pet only protects DD himself or his friends is one thing. But the text, with that emphasis on how the magic fairytale bird healed Harry because he was deserving, rather conflated loyalty to DD with virtue in general. And DD's wet mouth about said loyalty was disturbing.

*You know, many people have tried to explain to be how this scene *isn’t* Dumbledore totally agreeing with Harry’s impression that being in Slytherin proves you’re a bad person and that choosing against Slytherin is choosing to be a good person, but I’m not seeing it.

Me neither. Dumbledore could have pointed out that while Tom and Harry share good qualities, Tom chose to use them for evil; and that Harry shouldn't judge the barrel by one bad apple. Or he could have simply told Snape to explain to Harry why he's not a Slytherin.

*And then Ginny tells on Percy. See, Percy, why would you trust her to keep your secret? You’re not a twin.

I remembered this as Ginny being prodded into betraying his confidence, but nope, she just blurts it out. In front of the twins. Because they weren't making Percy's life miserable enough yet. The kindest interpretation is that she's unbelievably gullible. I realize that she's wearing the exposition hat, but couldn't she have told Harry in private?

- L

I stubbed my mental toe on this part even as a brand new, uncritical HP reader. That Dumbledore's personal pet only protects DD himself or his friends is one thing. But the text, with that emphasis on how the magic fairytale bird healed Harry because he was deserving, rather conflated loyalty to DD with virtue in general. And DD's wet mouth about said loyalty was disturbing.

It's really one of those things it's hard to get past.

I remembered this as Ginny being prodded into betraying his confidence, but nope, she just blurts it out. In front of the twins. Because they weren't making Percy's life miserable enough yet. The kindest interpretation is that she's unbelievably gullible. I realize that she's wearing the exposition hat, but couldn't she have told Harry in private?

Yes, when she tells she's basically saying that of course she wasn't thinking of keeping that a secret because who would care?

Luckily Lucius, as a Slytherin, sucks at lying. Dumbledore can be all smooth all the time, but when he hits Lucius with sticking Ginny with the diary the man turns into a five year old covered in jam pretending he didn’t go into the jam jar.

Yes! It really is hard to believe Lucius who is described as "slippery" by Voldemort suddenly loses his cool here at this accusation. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to believe in Lucius' badass suave nature now?

That too, it was an accusation without any evidence whatsoever! One that has puzzled many a HP fan, I may add - if the diary was meant for Ginny, why the hell was Dobby warning Harry? Oh, wait - IITS!

And what’s the one DADA thing the kids actually did learn this year? Disarming each other through magic. You know, the thing SNAPE taught them.

*nod nod* You know the spell that Saved Harry's Arse in GoF? Well, that's what he says in OOtP anyway. I've always thought that line of his he delivers to Zacharias Smith - "It saved my life in June. But if you think it's beneath you, you can leave" - so hilarious! What saved him was the phoenix core in both their wands (and maybe the Accio later), NOT the Expelliarmus spell. Go on Harry, pull the other one.

No lasting harm done—where will Dumbledore say that again? Oh right, to the second would-be student murderer doing Lord Voldemort’s bidding.

I bet that's what he said to Sirius after the Prank, too. No wonder Snape was furious.

Yes! It really is hard to believe Lucius who is described as "slippery" by Voldemort suddenly loses his cool here at this accusation. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to believe in Lucius' badass suave nature now?

I know--it's like he never considered he might get caught.

That too, it was an accusation without any evidence whatsoever! One that has puzzled many a HP fan, I may add - if the diary was meant for Ginny, why the hell was Dobby warning Harry? Oh, wait - IITS!

Yeah, funny how nobody thinks that. If he'd gone to Arthur he probably would have been able to get the message across easily.

What saved him was the phoenix core in both their wands (and maybe the Accio later), NOT the Expelliarmus spell.

LOL, I never even noticed that! I always just laughed at that part for it being yet another moment where Harry pompously goes 'quiet' and dramatically tells someone off. (Like his passive-aggressive 'Would you?' when Hermione says she would like to be able to see Thestrals.)

if the diary was meant for Ginny, why the hell was Dobby warning Harry? Oh, wait - IITS!

I think it was just Dobby showing he's a Good Creature by loving Harry first and foremost above all God's creations.
(Like Buckbeak, who knows instinctively the stink of slimy Slytherin but practically cooes to Harry; Dobby can cheerfully tell Harry to leave the school and let the Muggleborns fend for themselves, because even more important than being tediously PC while still judging everyone else is showing you've recognised how awesome Harry is.)

Boy, the adults have never looked worse than in this scene, have they?

Well, yes, they had things to do. Lesson plans and such. Planning for exams that are canceled. Yes. Forward their resumes, perhaps.

Partly because I, Dumbledore, keep it a secret for some reason.

It gives him this special feeling inside when he can lord it over others.

No lasting harm done

And apparently no need for Ginny to get therapy. All she gets is an entitlement complex that she is above the rules.

Thus implying he knows what he’s been doing all this time.

Dare I imply that there was legitimate reason for Umbridge? The cutting was bad (ew, cutting) but maybe some justification?

Exams are cancelled as a school treat.

Shows how they value education. Not at all apparently. Hermione is derided (with some reason but still) and intelligence mocked. Ah, stereotypes...

Was Grubbly-Plank not available?

Dumbledore is still practicing nepotism however.

*You know, many people have tried to explain to be how this scene *isn’t* Dumbledore totally agreeing with Harry’s impression that being in Slytherin proves you’re a bad person

WHAT!? People do that? Oh Lord. *headdesk*

She just made a mistake. It makes her human and so even better than she’d have been if she’d done the right thing!

And several books later, Harry will start using the Cruciatus curse on people, and JK Rowling will provide exactly that justification in interview.

"Harry isn't a saint. He's human and he has flaws. Like sometimes he likes to needlessly torture people. But it's okay because he's *brave*."

- Dan Hemmens

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CoS Chapter Eighteen

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