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deathtocapslock2015-06-24 10:29 pm
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com) wrote in deathtocapslock2015-06-24 10:29 pm
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Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 3
[Later that evening, the Dursleys call Harry down to talk]
Harry: So what do you want from me now?
Uncle Vernon: The wizards are telling us we’re in danger and have to move again!
Harry: Didn’t you realize that when Kingsley Shacklebolt and Mr. Weasley came by earlier this summer to explain everything?
Uncle Vernon: I blocked that visit out of my memory, thank you very much.
Harry: Well, the fact is, you have to go into hiding or Voldemort will use you to get to me!
Uncle Vernon: Do we at least get a say in who takes us into hiding? Someone like Kingsley Shacklebolt, perhaps?
Harry: Color me shocked that you’re not racist! But, anyway, Kingsley has other things to attend to right now. You will be hidden by two people I have never met or paid attention to for any length of time, but I’m sure they’re up to the task! [to self] And it’s not like I’d care if you did get killed, anyway.
Uncle Vernon: But there’s still the matter of our work and school!
Dudley: Oh, bother all that! I’ll do anything to avoid getting tortured and killed by more sadistic wizards and their pets!
Harry: See? Even Dudley agrees with me!
[In a few minutes, two people named Dedalus Diggle and Hestia Jones arrive]
Harry: Oh, good! You’ve come to set me free from these evil relatives who abuse me in all sorts of horrible ways!
Dedalus Diggle: Alright, are you muggles all packed? Yes? Good! Now, who here knows how to drive?
Uncle Vernon: You mean to tell me you can’t?
Dedalus Diggle: Why on earth should a wizard like myself bother learning about such an inferior method of transport?
Uncle Vernon: Very well—I will drive, then.
Dedalus Diggle: Good, good! We’re in a hurry, so if you will just come with us, Harry, someone will pick you up later!
Uncle Vernon: Oh, good, good! Let’s go!
[He and Aunt Petunia walk toward the door, but Dudley is still hesitant]
Dudley: Mother, Father, do we really have to leave Harry with these people?
Uncle Vernon: He’s happier this way! Just come along now!
Hestia Jones: What?! How dare you talk about your savior like that you insolent muggle!
Harry: It’s fine—I get this all the time from them. And worse!
Dudley: For what it’s worth, I’m beginning to feel sorry about how I treated you and think you might be alright.
Harry: Oh, good! Finally you’ve realized that I deserve better than you were ever prepared to give me! Took you long enough!
Hestia Jones: Filthy muggles, treating the Chosen One so harshly. I never!
Aunt Petunia: Dudley, can we please be off?
[Dudley goes toward the car. Now Aunt Petunia hangs back.]
Aunt Petunia: [Stares at Harry]
Harry: I’ll just stare at you in response. [Stares at Aunt Petunia]
Aunt Petunia: Good-bye.
[The group departs, leaving Harry alone]
Harry: So what do you want from me now?
Uncle Vernon: The wizards are telling us we’re in danger and have to move again!
Harry: Didn’t you realize that when Kingsley Shacklebolt and Mr. Weasley came by earlier this summer to explain everything?
Uncle Vernon: I blocked that visit out of my memory, thank you very much.
Harry: Well, the fact is, you have to go into hiding or Voldemort will use you to get to me!
Uncle Vernon: Do we at least get a say in who takes us into hiding? Someone like Kingsley Shacklebolt, perhaps?
Harry: Color me shocked that you’re not racist! But, anyway, Kingsley has other things to attend to right now. You will be hidden by two people I have never met or paid attention to for any length of time, but I’m sure they’re up to the task! [to self] And it’s not like I’d care if you did get killed, anyway.
Uncle Vernon: But there’s still the matter of our work and school!
Dudley: Oh, bother all that! I’ll do anything to avoid getting tortured and killed by more sadistic wizards and their pets!
Harry: See? Even Dudley agrees with me!
[In a few minutes, two people named Dedalus Diggle and Hestia Jones arrive]
Harry: Oh, good! You’ve come to set me free from these evil relatives who abuse me in all sorts of horrible ways!
Dedalus Diggle: Alright, are you muggles all packed? Yes? Good! Now, who here knows how to drive?
Uncle Vernon: You mean to tell me you can’t?
Dedalus Diggle: Why on earth should a wizard like myself bother learning about such an inferior method of transport?
Uncle Vernon: Very well—I will drive, then.
Dedalus Diggle: Good, good! We’re in a hurry, so if you will just come with us, Harry, someone will pick you up later!
Uncle Vernon: Oh, good, good! Let’s go!
[He and Aunt Petunia walk toward the door, but Dudley is still hesitant]
Dudley: Mother, Father, do we really have to leave Harry with these people?
Uncle Vernon: He’s happier this way! Just come along now!
Hestia Jones: What?! How dare you talk about your savior like that you insolent muggle!
Harry: It’s fine—I get this all the time from them. And worse!
Dudley: For what it’s worth, I’m beginning to feel sorry about how I treated you and think you might be alright.
Harry: Oh, good! Finally you’ve realized that I deserve better than you were ever prepared to give me! Took you long enough!
Hestia Jones: Filthy muggles, treating the Chosen One so harshly. I never!
Aunt Petunia: Dudley, can we please be off?
[Dudley goes toward the car. Now Aunt Petunia hangs back.]
Aunt Petunia: [Stares at Harry]
Harry: I’ll just stare at you in response. [Stares at Aunt Petunia]
Aunt Petunia: Good-bye.
[The group departs, leaving Harry alone]
no subject
Yet the closest that Harry and Draco ever get to this kind of moment is Draco’s nod in the Epilogue.
/[The group departs, leaving Harry alone]/
And with that, the Dursleys exit the story and are never heard from again.
no subject
What did they do about Vernon's job? What king of explanation did they provide for taking off suddenly with no notice for an indefinite period of time? What are they going to do to see that his job is there when they come back?
I remember a post DH fan fiction where the Dursley's come back and Vernon finds his job gone. Since he couldn't explain what had happen he couldn't get another one
no subject
Also, the DEs burned down 4PD and the insurance company refused to pay out because they suspected the Dursleys did it on purpose.
no subject
JKR presents magical education as a lot of meaningless nonsense taught by a bunch incompetents (e.g., Prof. Binns), and dropping out has no repercussions (e.g., the trio, the twins); in fact, it is an act of heroism and rebellion against oppression. Why should muggle education be any different? School? Who needs it? If dropping out is good enough for Harry, it should be good enough for Dudley.
Although JKR may have meant all this as satire, it comes across as a license to ignore your studies, cheat on your homework, and drop out before graduation. It's hardly the sort of thing that you'd expect a responsible children's author to encourage, but there it is, alas.