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deathtocapslock2015-06-28 12:34 pm
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com) wrote in deathtocapslock2015-06-28 12:34 pm
Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 6
[People are still reeling from the shock of Moody’s death over the next few days]
Harry: I’ve decided I must start investigating Horcruxes forthwith, to avenge the death of Moody!
Ron: Why are you suddenly so concerned? What has Moody ever done for you? Besides, you’re not seventeen yet.
Harry: Fair points all around.
Ron: Anyway, you can’t just go charging off into the distance—we’ve got a wedding to attend!
Harry: Eew! I hate weddings! They force me to focus on someone who isn’t myself! And be happy for someone who isn’t me!
Ron: Yeah, well…it’s just one extra day. By the way, our mother’s not happy about our plans, so don’t tell her anything more than you absolutely have to.
[Sure enough, Mrs. Weasley requests an audience with him just a little later]
Mrs. Weasley: Just what are you kids up to, anyway?
Harry: Dumbledore made me promise never to tell; therefore I cannot possibly tell you.
Mrs. Weasley: But I’ve been like a mother to you for six whole books!
Harry: Nope. Dumbledore comes first, always.
Mrs. Weasley: You expect to just walk off with my son to fight a Dark wizard?! And what about Hermione’s parents?! Have you thought about either of them?!
Harry: They’re the ones who wanted to join me. It’s not my fault they’d choose screen time over safety!
Mrs. Weasley: I will stare at you until you relent. [Stares at Harry]
Harry: Mrs. Weasley…you have exactly the same eyes as Ginny. They’re so beautiful. Can I make out with you?
Mrs. Weasley: NO! [Smacks Harry] Never mind. But I won’t forget this!
[For the next few days, Mrs. Weasley keeps them so busy with wedding preparations they have no time to talk to one another]
Harry: Stupid Mrs. Weasley! She’s deliberately trying to prevent us from meeting together and planning, I know it!
Ginny: So, are you really going to go off and fight Voldemort?
Harry: Why of course we are. It is my duty as the Chosen One.
Ginny: Well, do whatever you want then.
Harry: You mean it?!
Ginny: Of course. I am powerless to defy the will of my Chosen future husband.
[Order members come and go, with various bits of news]
Bill: So, we still haven’t recovered Mad-Eye Moody’s body, and the Daily Prophet isn’t reporting his death. I think they’re trying to keep it quiet.
Harry: How dare they keep things quiet?! That stupid good-for-nothing Ministry with its stupid good-for-nothing head Scrimgeour! I just wanna zap that man senseless!
Fleur: By the way, how are we going to disguise Harry for the wedding? He can’t go as himself, can he?
Mrs. Weasley: You do have quite a good point there. Oh, well—children, you need to be given more work. Ron, clean your room for the fifth time, and I’ll find work for Harry and Hermione.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Fuuuuuuuuck….
[But after the work is done they’ve at last got time to sit and talk]
Ron: So, do you think there’s a possibility that Mad-Eye Moody might be alive?
Hermione: What?! You dare imply a character marked for Death managed to evade his master?! Shame on you!
Ron: Silly me….
Hermione: [Bursts into tears] Oh, woe is us! This character who has done nothing but generically protect us, and has only appeared in the flesh these past two books, is dead!
Ron: Here, allow me to demonstrate how magnanimous I am by lending you a spare handkerchief! [Produces a dirty handkerchief, which he cleans with magic]
Hermione: It’s about time you started shaping up if you’re going to be my husband. [Blows nose]
Ron: I still can’t believe Mundungus let this happen. Why did we even have that guy in the Order?!
Hermione: Who knows? [Places books into a bag of holding]
Ron: Hermione, what are you doing with those books?
Hermione: I’m deciding which ones to bring.
Harry: You know, you and Ron still have time to back out. You’ll be safe and I’ll look more heroic and manly.
Hermione: Harry, I said it before and I’ll say it again—you and Ron will be useless without me to tell you what to do and think.
Ron: Hey! That is so not true! I do too know how to think!
Hermione: Anyway, I’ve already made preparations, including wiping my parents’ memories so they don’t recognize me anymore.
Harry: But how did you ever manage that?
Hermione: I didn’t tell them I was doing it. [Shifty eyes] See? I have literally nothing left to divide my loyalties!
Harry: Oh, wow. That’s dedication.
Ron: And I’ve dressed up the family Ghoul in pajamas! If Death Eaters come by looking for me, my family can tell them I’m deathly ill and display the Ghoul! Come, I’ll show you!
[Ron takes Harry to a back room, where, sure enough, the Ghoul is sleeping in a pair of Ron’s old pajamas]
Harry: You honestly think anyone would be stupid enough to believe that?!
Ron: Well we are talking about the people who consistently fail to kill one teenage boy.
Harry: True.
Hermione: But never mind all that. Harry, what exactly were you planning to do after the wedding?
Harry: Oh, that’s easy—I thought we’d go to Godric’s Hollow!
Hermione: Do you have any particular reason for going there instead of looking for the Horcruxes?
Harry: The power of Plot compels me!
Hermione: But don’t you think Voldemort might be keeping an eye on Godric’s Hollow in case you showed up?
Ron: I just thought of something. Do you think this RAB person who stole the locket might have destroyed it already?
Hermione: Well, maybe, but until we know for sure we’ll still have to find it. Anyway, you’ll be happy to know I’ve read all up on Horcruxes and I know exactly how they’re made and how to destroy one!
Harry: What?! But I thought there were no books on Horcruxes in Hogwarts!
Hermione: Dumbledore kept some in his office.
Harry: And how did you get them?!
Hermione: I didn’t tell anyone I was borrowing them. [Shifty eyes]
Ron: So…ah…how do you make a Horcrux? And how do you destroy one?
Hermione: I’ll spare your simple minds the horrors of how to make one. However, I will say this: making even one Horcrux is a very dangerous thing to do. And Voldemort was supposed to have made six…?
Ron: Academic question: Can you ever put your soul back together, if it’s been split into Horcruxes?
Hermione: Well, most people who make one do so with the understanding that they’ll never want to put their soul back together.
Ron: But, but, how do you destroy a Horcrux then?
Hermione: You need to put it beyond magical repair somehow. Basilisk venom will work, as Harry already knows. I couldn’t tell you what else might work. A task for the plot!
Ron: Alright, here’s another question. How did the diary possess Ginny?
Hermione: How many questions are you going to ask me?
Ron: Oh, just enough to fill us in on everything the audience is dying to know about these Horcrux things!
Hermione: Fine, fine. Well, it just so happens that a fragment of soul can flit from a Horcrux to another user—if the user gets too fond of it. I heard that there’s a negative reaction to getting too close physically as well, but the evidence is unsubstantiated. Or so they say. Got any more questions, Ron?
Ron: No, not at all! That’s everything, honest!
[But just then, Mrs. Weasley enters!]
Mrs. Weasley: Here you are! Come help me sort wedding presents!
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAAGH!
[The rest of Fleur’s family arrives the next day]
Fleur: Mother! Father! I’ve missed you so much!
Gabrielle: Harry, Harry! Do you remember me from three books ago?!
Harry: How could I forget gallantly saving you when your stupid ugly slut of a sister failed to be equal to the task?
Ginny: You keep your filthy paws off of my man, child!
Gabrielle: [Cries]
[Much to Harry’s relief, the Delacours are nice people]
Harry: And here I thought all French people were annoying twits like Fleur!
Fleur: I heard that!
Mrs. Weasley: Fleur, your mother is better at housework than I am! How is that possible?!
[One day, as Harry is cleaning out the chicken house…]
Mrs. Weasley: So, Harry, I just remembered your birthday is the day before the wedding! Do you want a special dinner or cake to celebrate?
Harry: Oh, I couldn’t possibly accept such a thing the day before someone else’s wedding! What kind of noble, magnanimous hero would I be if I made you go to any trouble? [to self] Please give me a suitably-lavish dinner—I’m the Chosen One so I deserve it.
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, but it’s no trouble at all!
Harry: In that case, why not! [to self] Score!
Harry: I’ve decided I must start investigating Horcruxes forthwith, to avenge the death of Moody!
Ron: Why are you suddenly so concerned? What has Moody ever done for you? Besides, you’re not seventeen yet.
Harry: Fair points all around.
Ron: Anyway, you can’t just go charging off into the distance—we’ve got a wedding to attend!
Harry: Eew! I hate weddings! They force me to focus on someone who isn’t myself! And be happy for someone who isn’t me!
Ron: Yeah, well…it’s just one extra day. By the way, our mother’s not happy about our plans, so don’t tell her anything more than you absolutely have to.
[Sure enough, Mrs. Weasley requests an audience with him just a little later]
Mrs. Weasley: Just what are you kids up to, anyway?
Harry: Dumbledore made me promise never to tell; therefore I cannot possibly tell you.
Mrs. Weasley: But I’ve been like a mother to you for six whole books!
Harry: Nope. Dumbledore comes first, always.
Mrs. Weasley: You expect to just walk off with my son to fight a Dark wizard?! And what about Hermione’s parents?! Have you thought about either of them?!
Harry: They’re the ones who wanted to join me. It’s not my fault they’d choose screen time over safety!
Mrs. Weasley: I will stare at you until you relent. [Stares at Harry]
Harry: Mrs. Weasley…you have exactly the same eyes as Ginny. They’re so beautiful. Can I make out with you?
Mrs. Weasley: NO! [Smacks Harry] Never mind. But I won’t forget this!
[For the next few days, Mrs. Weasley keeps them so busy with wedding preparations they have no time to talk to one another]
Harry: Stupid Mrs. Weasley! She’s deliberately trying to prevent us from meeting together and planning, I know it!
Ginny: So, are you really going to go off and fight Voldemort?
Harry: Why of course we are. It is my duty as the Chosen One.
Ginny: Well, do whatever you want then.
Harry: You mean it?!
Ginny: Of course. I am powerless to defy the will of my Chosen future husband.
[Order members come and go, with various bits of news]
Bill: So, we still haven’t recovered Mad-Eye Moody’s body, and the Daily Prophet isn’t reporting his death. I think they’re trying to keep it quiet.
Harry: How dare they keep things quiet?! That stupid good-for-nothing Ministry with its stupid good-for-nothing head Scrimgeour! I just wanna zap that man senseless!
Fleur: By the way, how are we going to disguise Harry for the wedding? He can’t go as himself, can he?
Mrs. Weasley: You do have quite a good point there. Oh, well—children, you need to be given more work. Ron, clean your room for the fifth time, and I’ll find work for Harry and Hermione.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Fuuuuuuuuck….
[But after the work is done they’ve at last got time to sit and talk]
Ron: So, do you think there’s a possibility that Mad-Eye Moody might be alive?
Hermione: What?! You dare imply a character marked for Death managed to evade his master?! Shame on you!
Ron: Silly me….
Hermione: [Bursts into tears] Oh, woe is us! This character who has done nothing but generically protect us, and has only appeared in the flesh these past two books, is dead!
Ron: Here, allow me to demonstrate how magnanimous I am by lending you a spare handkerchief! [Produces a dirty handkerchief, which he cleans with magic]
Hermione: It’s about time you started shaping up if you’re going to be my husband. [Blows nose]
Ron: I still can’t believe Mundungus let this happen. Why did we even have that guy in the Order?!
Hermione: Who knows? [Places books into a bag of holding]
Ron: Hermione, what are you doing with those books?
Hermione: I’m deciding which ones to bring.
Harry: You know, you and Ron still have time to back out. You’ll be safe and I’ll look more heroic and manly.
Hermione: Harry, I said it before and I’ll say it again—you and Ron will be useless without me to tell you what to do and think.
Ron: Hey! That is so not true! I do too know how to think!
Hermione: Anyway, I’ve already made preparations, including wiping my parents’ memories so they don’t recognize me anymore.
Harry: But how did you ever manage that?
Hermione: I didn’t tell them I was doing it. [Shifty eyes] See? I have literally nothing left to divide my loyalties!
Harry: Oh, wow. That’s dedication.
Ron: And I’ve dressed up the family Ghoul in pajamas! If Death Eaters come by looking for me, my family can tell them I’m deathly ill and display the Ghoul! Come, I’ll show you!
[Ron takes Harry to a back room, where, sure enough, the Ghoul is sleeping in a pair of Ron’s old pajamas]
Harry: You honestly think anyone would be stupid enough to believe that?!
Ron: Well we are talking about the people who consistently fail to kill one teenage boy.
Harry: True.
Hermione: But never mind all that. Harry, what exactly were you planning to do after the wedding?
Harry: Oh, that’s easy—I thought we’d go to Godric’s Hollow!
Hermione: Do you have any particular reason for going there instead of looking for the Horcruxes?
Harry: The power of Plot compels me!
Hermione: But don’t you think Voldemort might be keeping an eye on Godric’s Hollow in case you showed up?
Ron: I just thought of something. Do you think this RAB person who stole the locket might have destroyed it already?
Hermione: Well, maybe, but until we know for sure we’ll still have to find it. Anyway, you’ll be happy to know I’ve read all up on Horcruxes and I know exactly how they’re made and how to destroy one!
Harry: What?! But I thought there were no books on Horcruxes in Hogwarts!
Hermione: Dumbledore kept some in his office.
Harry: And how did you get them?!
Hermione: I didn’t tell anyone I was borrowing them. [Shifty eyes]
Ron: So…ah…how do you make a Horcrux? And how do you destroy one?
Hermione: I’ll spare your simple minds the horrors of how to make one. However, I will say this: making even one Horcrux is a very dangerous thing to do. And Voldemort was supposed to have made six…?
Ron: Academic question: Can you ever put your soul back together, if it’s been split into Horcruxes?
Hermione: Well, most people who make one do so with the understanding that they’ll never want to put their soul back together.
Ron: But, but, how do you destroy a Horcrux then?
Hermione: You need to put it beyond magical repair somehow. Basilisk venom will work, as Harry already knows. I couldn’t tell you what else might work. A task for the plot!
Ron: Alright, here’s another question. How did the diary possess Ginny?
Hermione: How many questions are you going to ask me?
Ron: Oh, just enough to fill us in on everything the audience is dying to know about these Horcrux things!
Hermione: Fine, fine. Well, it just so happens that a fragment of soul can flit from a Horcrux to another user—if the user gets too fond of it. I heard that there’s a negative reaction to getting too close physically as well, but the evidence is unsubstantiated. Or so they say. Got any more questions, Ron?
Ron: No, not at all! That’s everything, honest!
[But just then, Mrs. Weasley enters!]
Mrs. Weasley: Here you are! Come help me sort wedding presents!
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAAGH!
[The rest of Fleur’s family arrives the next day]
Fleur: Mother! Father! I’ve missed you so much!
Gabrielle: Harry, Harry! Do you remember me from three books ago?!
Harry: How could I forget gallantly saving you when your stupid ugly slut of a sister failed to be equal to the task?
Ginny: You keep your filthy paws off of my man, child!
Gabrielle: [Cries]
[Much to Harry’s relief, the Delacours are nice people]
Harry: And here I thought all French people were annoying twits like Fleur!
Fleur: I heard that!
Mrs. Weasley: Fleur, your mother is better at housework than I am! How is that possible?!
[One day, as Harry is cleaning out the chicken house…]
Mrs. Weasley: So, Harry, I just remembered your birthday is the day before the wedding! Do you want a special dinner or cake to celebrate?
Harry: Oh, I couldn’t possibly accept such a thing the day before someone else’s wedding! What kind of noble, magnanimous hero would I be if I made you go to any trouble? [to self] Please give me a suitably-lavish dinner—I’m the Chosen One so I deserve it.
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, but it’s no trouble at all!
Harry: In that case, why not! [to self] Score!
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Hermione: You need to put it beyond magical repair somehow. Basilisk venom will work, as Harry already knows. I couldn’t tell you what else might work. A task for the plot!
Because Dumbledore couldn't use his time with Harry to actually prepare him for the task ahead.
no subject
Did he expect to return alive with a real Horcrux and demonstrate the destruction? (but why would he need the books for that?)
Did he intend for Severus to find the books? If Severus found them, would he have been able to figure out why Dumbles wanted Harry to have the sword? Would Dumbles have been comfortable with Severus knowing that much?
If not Severus, whom were the books out for?
no subject
Ginny: But despite being my Chosen future husband, I’m not going to go with you. Nor will I try to keep up correspondence with you when I go to Hogwarts. I’ll be left out of the main action, the same way that I was before we started dating.
/Hermione: Anyway, I’ve already made preparations, including wiping my parents’ memories so they don’t recognize me anymore./
And by preparations, she also means faking their visas, passports, medical licenses, immigration forms, etc. Somehow.
/Anyway, you’ll be happy to know I’ve read all up on Horcruxes and I know exactly how they’re made and how to destroy one!/
And Harry didn’t read them too because…?
/Basilisk venom will work, as Harry already knows./
Yet Harry’s still a Horcrux, even though the Basilisk bit him and nearly poisoned him to death. I guess that Fawkes' tears neutralized the venom before it could destroy the Horcrux?