HBP Chapter Nine

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*This is the trouble with characters who live together. You have to come up with artificial breaks in conversation. Why would Harry keep quiet about Malfoy’s boasts until before breakfast the next morning? Was there some more important piece of gossip to discuss? Did Ginny go on a date?

* Ron’s the most skeptical about Malfoy’s plot. Usually it’s Hermione who dismisses Malfoy the most, but if Hermione and Ron are both going to be wrong, Ron will at least be more wrong than Hermione.

*Ron snaps at a first year and laughs when it scares him. OMG abusing his Prefect’s powers!

*Hermione confiscates a fanged Frisbee from a fourth year. Amazingly, the fourth year does not tell her to "Step off, bitch!"

* Right out of the gate the narrator makes it clear how shallow and Not True the Ron/Lavender love is. See how Ron’s looking pleased with himself? You never want to be with a girl who makes you feel that way! (Which is not to be confused with having a girlfriend who points out your righteousness to others and hexes them when they don’t kneel quickly enough at your feet.)

*Nobody in their year wants to continue CoMC. This has nothing to do with Hagrid’s teaching being bad. It’s just the subject that sucks. What kind of person would find taking care of animals like dragons at all interesting? I spent two years at zoo camp as a kid myself and the whole time we were petting the mountain lion cubs and riding elephants and camels I was thinking damn, why couldn’t I have gone to Arithmancy camp?

*Hermione shoots through her scheduling with McGonagall while Neville sticks around so that the fact his grades are not as good as Hermione’s, Ron’s or Harry’s can register on his round face. This in no way suggests fat thicko. What books are you reading?

*McGonagall announces Neville’s Gran should start appreciating the grandson she’s got instead of the one she wishes she had, particularly since he had the sense to hurl himself into battle with Harry at the Ministry last year. Many people consider this a kick ass McGonagall moment. Me, I’d be totally humiliated by having my teacher announce that the fact my grandmother doesn’t like me is common knowledge.

*McGonagall then reveals that Neville’s grandmother’s dislike of Charms is, of course, merely covering up her own inadequacy in the subject. Yes, every brief exchange reveals more and more dysfunction in the Longbottom family. All that’s really left is for Neville to reveal that Gran caught him touching himself once and transfigured his willy into peppermint candy.

*Parvati gets a cameo to remind us she’s a boy-crazy airhead who’s dropped her favorite female teacher in favor of a sexy professor whose genitals she’s actually seen in class. Why hasn’t anyone written fic where Parvati has an affair with Firenze? Dogs and wolves aren’t the only flavor of bestiality you know!

*Ron is quickly cleared for the same subjects as Harry, without the fanfare and compliments. Ron then also displays more excitement over the same timetable. One day scientists will isolate the sidekick gene so everyone can have their own Ron Weasley.

*So Harry walks around wearing a captain’s badge 24/7? And I’m not supposed to laugh?

*Apparently you’re supposed to try out for Quidditch every year because teams are ruined by people playing the same players or their friends. Of course we already know that because of the way Harry’s had fresh tryouts every year. Or not.

*Meanwhile someone hits the reset button on Ron, who ended last season carried out on the shoulders of his teammates, and is now right back where he started, in danger of being cut so that Harry can struggle with Captainly Responsibility. Way to take one for the team, Ron. Again.

*Funny how Malfoy’s still coasting on those brooms from when he was 12 isn’t it? Funny or, you know, proof he didn’t bribe his way onto the team to begin with.

*Is the fact that Hermione looks “put upon” by loads of homework a clue that she’s going to be focusing more on boys this year?

*One would think from the narration that the kids don’t like Snape’s DADA classroom but it sounds like Goth heaven! Go Snape!

*Snape finally gets to perform his Introduction to DADA speech. Not since Susan Lucci finally won her Daytime Emmy has a person looked forward to a speech more.

*Yeah, you *believe* we’ve had five DADA teachers as if you haven’t watched them all come and go, Snape, hoping you’d be next, thinks Harry scathingly.

*Well, not so much “scathingly” as “obviously.”

*Or maybe “expositionally.”

*Or maybe trying to be scathing but you’ve just got nothing. Just shut up and take class, Harry.

*Snape begins class. Harry is off and judging.

*I’m going to assume everyone in the class has just learned over the years to let Hermione answer everything, because I can’t believe nobody can think of an advantage to a non-verbal spell without looking it up.

*Harry gets a pass, of course, because if he answered he’d have to say, "So you can call for help when Malfoy’s petrified you?"

*Malfoy, at this point in the year, is apparently still his old Snape fanboy self. I wonder if he later resents Snape at all for being one of his DE role models.

*So not all wizards can do non-verbal spells. Yes! Another chance for Harry to make the cut. He’s got "mind power," whatever the hell that is. It sounds like it popped in from a 50s sci-fi movie. Wizards really don’t do mind-power.

*We’re reminded Harry’s taught half the class how to do Protego. This seems to have no bearing whatsoever on what’s going on, except to tell us that Harry’s totally as cool as Snape. Maybe he should be teaching!

*Harry’s not the first person to do a non-verbal spell in class, despite his prodigy-like DADA skillz, probably because he’s too busy judging Snape. Why does Hermione not get 20 points for doing the exercise? Why, you bastard?!

*Harry tells Snape there’s no need to call him Sir, the funniest, most awesomest, wittiest joke anyone has ever said to a teacher. And Harry totally just made it up. Pay no attention to the dozens of movies and TV shows and kids in junior high that have used this joke before. Off now, and makest thou icons of the jest!

*Btw, Snape was amazingly normal in this scene. I wonder if there’s a reason.

*Harry begins to pronounce judgment on Snape (He tried to jinx him, for god sakes. In a jinxing class! What’s he playing at?!!). Hermione disarms him with flattery. Once again I wonder how Hermione gets an EE in DADA when she just not only proved that in this class, as in all others, she does everything right and everything first, but showed "bravery and quick thinking" in knowing how to disarm Harry in full snit.

*Dumbledore gives Harry a letter with the p.s. "I enjoy Acid Pops." I’m about to make some comment on the consistently pathetic idea of code in the WW, when poor Ron is roped into moron duty and loudly doesn’t get it.

*Ron suggests Harry will be learning spectacular hexes and jinxes that DEs don’t know. Hermione says those things are illegal. Silly Hermione, if Dumbledore was teaching them and Harry was using them how could they be illegal?

*Hermione says he’s more likely learning Defensive Magic, which we know from last year means that he will be teaching Harry spectacular hexes and jinxes that DEs don’t know but are called “counter-hexes” to pretend they’re defensive.

*Harry and Ron do Snape’s homework, which is really complex. Unlike his class, which basically came down to doing stuff you do every single day, only this time instead of talking you just think the word. Btw, not to brag, but I read that part in the book TOTALLY WITHOUT MOVING MY LIPS!!!

*Harry likes Ernie MacMillan despite his pompous manner. If you’re listening Zach Smith, Harry is perfectly willing to overlook small personality flaws if you show total loyalty and admiration to him.

*Ernie says Snape taught a good class. This does not in any way suggest that Snape is not considered a horrible, unacceptable teacher by the school at large. After all, Ernie is a Hufflepuff and also pompous. What does he know about good classes?

*Before they can talk to Ernie Slughorn enters the room, preceded by a fat joke.

*Slughorn then begins furiously favoritism-ing. This will be vigorously defended throughout fandom as totally not favoritism.

*For some reason the seating arrangements are given a slightly judgmental subtext. Although Harry, Ron and Hermione have never once considered sitting apart since they became friends, and certainly have never considered sitting with non-Gryffindors, we’re told the Slytherins and the Ravenclaws segregate themselves leaving the Gryffindors to sit with Ernie. Hey, they tried to unite the houses there, but those awful Ravenclaws and Slytherins are too backward thinking. And they let Ernie sit with them! Because they have a free chair!

*Harry sits next to the Amortentia and smells treacle tart, the wood of a Quidditch broom, and something flowery he might have smelled at the Burrow, probably in the bathroom right after Ginny had urinated.

*Btw, Malfoy=Quidditch brooms. H/D OTP!!

*Harry and Ron are the only ones who need books. Looks like Snape pretty much kicked arse on the OWLS.

*Harry does not resent Hermione getting credit for knowing Polyjuice. After all, she invented Polyjuice back in second year.

*Hermione comes *this close* to telling the class she’s driven to lust by freshly mown grass, new parchment and Ron’s dirty laundry that she rubs all over herself before bed at the burrow.

*Hermione, easy mark that she is, misses that Slughorn is blatantly sucking up to her to get to Harry. She’d sell out in a second if someone would just tell her where to sign.

*You can see why people shipped H/Hr in this scene. Hermione and Harry are both totally suckered by flattery. Of course that’s why Harry winds up with Ginny, because they are both flattered more.

*Malfoy looks the way he did when Hermione punched him in the face. He was sitting in the third row at the Odeon Theater at the time, and was so surprised at the way the movie changed what happened he dropped his popcorn.

*Ron desperately tries to get himself some page time by being vaguely annoyed at the way Hermione fawns all over Harry for his complimenting her. He is ignored, of course. Too bad Crabbe isn’t there to throw him a sympathetic look.

*Draco and Nott smirk skeptically at the idea of love potions being the most powerful, probably because as Slytherins they basically live as if under the influence of the stuff all the time. If points were given for powerful infatuation and obsession Malfoy alone would have won the House Cup for Slytherin every year.

*Btw, will that other obsessive love-ster be Snape? Stay tuned…

*Not that Harry’s been watching Malfoy throughout the class or anything, but the back of his head is quite blond and sleek. It’s the result of his flowery-smelling hair gel.

*Wonder what’s "disastrous" when you get the luck potion wrong.

*If you take too much of it it causes giddiness, recklessness and dangerous overconfidence. No wonder it’s gold and the love potion is mother-of-pearl silvery. Just as Slytherins spend their whole life as if their blood is Amortentia, Felix Felicitas turns you into a Gryffindor.

*Recently some people have been suggesting Felix Felicitas is just a placebo. Why would anyone want to think this in a world where magic obviously exists and the lack of it really does make you inferior and nothing is all in your mind? Mostly cause if FF doesn’t really work, Harry and his friends are more impressive.

*Just in case you weren’t catching that Harry is a big Slytherin in this book, he spends the entire Potions class judging Slughorn’s performance and approving of the effect it has on the class.

*The luck potion’s been banned in sporting events, making me wonder how they test for it exactly. They don’t seem to know about blood or urine tests. Do they just drop pianos on the person and if they get hit they know they were clean?

*Hermione naturally is doing the best with the Potion. It’s amazing the way she’s supposed to be this super smart person, which should be cool, yet she just manages to reduce every class to something tedious. It’s like watching someone polish a floor well over and over. If Hermione were in the Muggleworld, I can totally see her being an office manager.

*Malfoy gives the family name a shot in desperate circumstances. Harry thinks that Malfoy, unlike himself, will have to rely on his talent to win the Felix Felicitas. This was the moment in the book when I knew Malfoy really did have a chance in life. Woo hoo!

*I wouldn’t be surprised if Lily’s great talent in Potions wasn’t invented in Slughorn’s head the moment Slughorn saw Harry’s Potion.

*And so begins the weirdest story of cheating ever. Harry totally has an unfair advantage in that everyone else is using the wrong instructions, yet he’s still following instructions, so what’s the problem? Basically the problem is more in the plotline than what Harry is doing.

*What Snape at least proves in this chapter is that one can be a brilliant student in an HP book and not be a bore like Hermione.

*Ron of course sees Harry as doing the right thing. He took a risk and it paid off, which is the greatest thing a Gryffindor can do. Ron kindly refrains from pointing out that Harry’s last risk didn’t pay off quite so well. Oh well, the Felix Felicitas pretty much makes up for the death of what’s his face.

*Ginny appears, reeking of flowers. Harry decides his super turn-on is cheap eau de gardenia from Woolworths. Mystery solved! Now he knows who he’s attracted too—and it’s totally a girl! Go Harry!

*Ginny and Hermione really are kind of idiots here. The notes gave Harry a better way to get juice out of a bean, for chrissakes. They didn’t tell him to shoot the president.

*Harry drops the book and sees a name written on the inside cover. Most kids, of course, when handed a used textbook immediately check for a name to see if they know the person who owed it, but Harry’s total disinterest in students other than himself spans generations.

*Anyway, Harry’s book announces, "This book belongs to a total geek who gave himself a painfully stupid superhero nickname."





Designated Hero
Thrill as Harry cheats, judges and smugs his way through another thrilling chapter!

IITS
So if all the Potions textbooks in the past were wrong, why don’t they change them? And how has anyone made the Potions before? IITS!

Also, wasn’t Ron the team hero last we saw? IITS!

Informed Attributes
Wow! Hermione sure does earn those points, doesn’t she? By answering questions that sound…really really basic. She’s got mind power!

Ken and Andrew’s Rule of Plot Holes
See IITS.

Misdirected Answering
I’m sure there are people who don’t give a damn what classes Neville Longbottom is taking. As it happens I’m not one of them, but I’m giving the point anyway.

Final score: 5.5