Harry Potter Abridged! PS/SS Chapter 17
Jul. 12th, 2011 10:05 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock Harry: QUIRRELL!
Quirrell: Yes, I’m the villain, you idiot! By the way, aren’t I so much more badass now that I’ve finally revealed my true colors and shed that appalling stutter?!
Harry: But I thought Snape was the bad guy! I mean, he was so mean to me all the time!
Quirrell: Stupid boy, one thing you must learn is that in any story worth half its salt, nothing that obvious is ever true.
Harry: But I thought Snape tried to kill me during Quidditch!
Quirrell: [to self] Is he serious? [to Harry] I tried to kill you, duh! Snape was just muttering a countercurse to save your miserable worthless life! Except that now I’m going to kill you anyway- MUAHAHAHAHA!
Harry: NOOOOOOOOO!
[Professor Quirrell sets fire to the areas around the main stage and sends ropes to bind Harry.]
Quirrell: I knew you would be a danger to me ever since you dealt with that troll! I let that in, by the way, incase you hadn’t figured it out.
Harry: Part of me is terrified, and yet part of me is flattered....
Quirrell: Now, let’s have a look at this mirror.... That’s interesting- when I look in the mirror I see myself holding the Stone but... how do I get it?
Harry: [to self] Distraction time. [to Quirrell] Hey Quirrell, if Snape doesn’t want me dead how come he hates me so much?
Quirrell: You honestly think everyone who hates you wants you dead? I pity you. I am sure that will come back to haunt you- if you can survive my trap.
Harry: But if you’re teamed up with Voldemort then... just where is he?
Quirrell: Hold on, the big reveal’s coming up in just a few minutes! Now, to look at this mirror again....
Harry: Oh, no! I have to get to the mirror first! Maybe it will show me where to find the stone!
Voldemort: Quirrell, this is taking for ever.... Just get Harry to do it; he’s the one who’s so Good and True and Pure and stuff....
Quirrell: Potter, come here!
Harry: Okay....
Quirrell: Look in the mirror- what do you see?
[Harry sees the stone in the mirror, and it drops right into his pocket!]
Harry: I see... I see myself humping Dumbledore’s leg! Er....
Quirrell: ...That’s... nice....
Voldemort: Bitch, please.
Quirrell: You’re lying, aren’t you?
Harry: [frightened] Ah... maybe...?
Voldemort: Alright, no more Mr. Nice Baddie! Quirrell, off with your turban at once!
Quirrell: Yes, master....
[Quirrell takes off the turban to reveal Voldemort’s face in the back.]
Harry: OMG! It’s... it’s... Voldemort!
Voldemort: Yes, it’s me. I became like this when I killed your parents. So, give me the stone.
Harry: No way! You’re the villain!
Voldemort: If you disobey me I’ll just make Quirrell kill you and take the stone for myself.
Harry: I’ll never give you the stone! Do you hear me, NEVER!
Voldemort: Quirrell, be a dear and kill Harry for me.
Quirrell: Yes, master....
[Quirrell grabs Harry but his hand starts to burn and!]
Harry: Wow, how did I do that!?
Quirrell: Gary Stu magic- NOOOOOOOOOO!
Voldemort: Just be lucky this isn’t the movie- you’d be turning to stone right about now!
Harry: Eat this! [Touches Quirrell’s face] Touch... touch... touch....
Quirrell: I’m dying! Help me!
Voldemort: What can I do I’m just a head...?!
[Eventually Harry passes out]
[He wakes up with Dumbledore in the Hospital Wing]
Harry: Oh, it’s you, Dumbledore.... Listen, about the Sorcerer’s Stone....
Dumbledore: It’s been destroyed.
Harry: But... doesn’t that mean your friend Nicholas Flamel will die?
Dumbledore: Yes but it’s okay, I brainwashed him and his wife to feel as though death was a good thing. I do that all the time!
Harry: Okay....
Dumbledore: In fairness to myself, nobody really wants to live forever except Voldemort- it’s rather scary even to a completely sane person. Anyway, did you see all this candy your friends got you? You have tons of admirers, don’t you know? And you deserve them all- you’re the most special person in the whole wide world!
Harry: Wow, that’s awesome! By the way, can’t Voldemort come back?
Dumbledore: That’s what I wondered at first too, but I heard that there were sequels, so I think he’ll be coming back in one of those.
Harry: So why did Quirrell die when he touched me?
Dumbledore: Your mother’s love protected you from him, basically. Isn’t it wonderful how love can enable you to kill someone? Pay attention to that- it’ll be a recurring theme in later stories. By the way, it was the love of your mother in particular that’s so super special awesome as to cause something like that. Certainly Navel’s mother couldn’t possibly have loved her son that much. Nor could anyone else’s, especially not a slimy Slytherin’s.
Harry: Oh, and also, Quirrell said something about how Snape doesn’t want me dead. My tiny mind is blown- tell me how that makes any sense!
Dumbledore: What you must understand, Harry, is that your father and Snape were enemies in the same way that you and Draco were. Note that I am not possibly implying that your father was in any way a sadistic jerk or that Snape was in any way a victim. No, your father saved Snape’s life and so he wanted to repay him by protecting you just this once. Yup, that’s all there is to it. Take it from me, Harry- nobody can be both unpleasant and good!
Harry: Wow, thanks for clarifying! I thought it was too much that Snape could actually be a good man! But how did I get the stone in the first place.
Dumbledore: You got the stone because you didn’t want to use it for anything. The actual desire to put something to use is a reprehensible thing- you will only remain truly pure by doing things because someone tells you you’re meant to. Aren’t you glad you’re not an ambitious slimy Slytherin, Harry?!
Harry: Ah... yeah....
[Anyway, then Dumbledore leaves and Ron and Hermione come in. Harry tells them the story of what he’d been through.]
Hermione: So, Dumbledore came to rescue you as we left.
Ron: By the way, Dumbledore’s crazy.
Harry: No, don’t you see?! He just wanted us to be able to face Voldemort when we were ready!
Ron: Anyway, I heard Slytherin’s won the House Cup. Oh, well. We lost the game against Ravenclaw because you weren’t playing, see. Only you can possibly win at Quidditch!
[After Ron and Hermione leave, Harry gets some sleep. When he wakes up, Hagrid is in.]
Hagrid: Oh, Harry, I’m so sorry I told that man I didn’t even know how to get past Fluffy, and got you in trouble! Aren’t I just the worst teacher ever?
Harry: It’s alright- we all got away!
Hagrid: Oh, wake up, Harry, even you are eventually going to have to admit that I’m a terrible teacher and person! [Lightens up] But, until then, can you ever forgive me?
Harry: Oh, sure, Hagrid! After all, you were nice to me!
Hagrid: And look, I even got you something extra-special!
[Hagrid hands Harry a book containing photos of him as a baby with his parents.]
Harry: Thank you so much for this book of my perfect, saintly parents! You’re the best, Hagrid!
[So, Harry goes down to the end-of-year feast, where the Great Hall is decorated with Slytherin-themed trappings.]
Dumbledore: So, I know all of you are just itching to know the results for the House Cup. As it currently stands, Gryffindor is in last and Slytherin is in first. That much we know, right? Right. But, I have some last-minute points to award. So, fifty points shall go to Gryffindor Ron Weasley for being Harry’s friend and proving he’s not just a dead weight- only time will tell how long that will last.... Fifty points will go to Gryffindor Hermione Granger for being the smartest student in the entire school, even smarter than the Ravenclaws.... Sixty points will go to Harry Potter, because he’s the hero of this story and whatever he does deserves to be showered with praise.... Oh, and, hell, I’ll also award ten points to Mr. Navel Longbottom for actually doing something. We all knew you had it in you! Would you look at that- Gryffindor wins! Sorry, Hufflepuffs, you are the new losers!
Sprout: Again...?
[The hall changes to now have Gryffindor-themed trappings.]
Hufflepuffs: We really shouldn’t be standing for this now that we’re in last place, but let’s cheer anyway because at least Slytherin hasn’t won again!
Snape: *Cry* I left the Death Eaters for this?
[In due time, the students all head home for the summer.]
Harry: The Dursleys don’t know that I’m not allowed to use magic over the holidays- I shall totally get back at them for all the abuse they have heaped on me in the past!
Ron and Hermione: Good-bye, Harry!
Mrs. Weasley: Good-bye, Harry!
Ginny: Marry me, Harry!
[And Harry returns to the Dursleys for another summer.]
END OF BOOK #1 ABRIDGED!!
Quirrell: Yes, I’m the villain, you idiot! By the way, aren’t I so much more badass now that I’ve finally revealed my true colors and shed that appalling stutter?!
Harry: But I thought Snape was the bad guy! I mean, he was so mean to me all the time!
Quirrell: Stupid boy, one thing you must learn is that in any story worth half its salt, nothing that obvious is ever true.
Harry: But I thought Snape tried to kill me during Quidditch!
Quirrell: [to self] Is he serious? [to Harry] I tried to kill you, duh! Snape was just muttering a countercurse to save your miserable worthless life! Except that now I’m going to kill you anyway- MUAHAHAHAHA!
Harry: NOOOOOOOOO!
[Professor Quirrell sets fire to the areas around the main stage and sends ropes to bind Harry.]
Quirrell: I knew you would be a danger to me ever since you dealt with that troll! I let that in, by the way, incase you hadn’t figured it out.
Harry: Part of me is terrified, and yet part of me is flattered....
Quirrell: Now, let’s have a look at this mirror.... That’s interesting- when I look in the mirror I see myself holding the Stone but... how do I get it?
Harry: [to self] Distraction time. [to Quirrell] Hey Quirrell, if Snape doesn’t want me dead how come he hates me so much?
Quirrell: You honestly think everyone who hates you wants you dead? I pity you. I am sure that will come back to haunt you- if you can survive my trap.
Harry: But if you’re teamed up with Voldemort then... just where is he?
Quirrell: Hold on, the big reveal’s coming up in just a few minutes! Now, to look at this mirror again....
Harry: Oh, no! I have to get to the mirror first! Maybe it will show me where to find the stone!
Voldemort: Quirrell, this is taking for ever.... Just get Harry to do it; he’s the one who’s so Good and True and Pure and stuff....
Quirrell: Potter, come here!
Harry: Okay....
Quirrell: Look in the mirror- what do you see?
[Harry sees the stone in the mirror, and it drops right into his pocket!]
Harry: I see... I see myself humping Dumbledore’s leg! Er....
Quirrell: ...That’s... nice....
Voldemort: Bitch, please.
Quirrell: You’re lying, aren’t you?
Harry: [frightened] Ah... maybe...?
Voldemort: Alright, no more Mr. Nice Baddie! Quirrell, off with your turban at once!
Quirrell: Yes, master....
[Quirrell takes off the turban to reveal Voldemort’s face in the back.]
Harry: OMG! It’s... it’s... Voldemort!
Voldemort: Yes, it’s me. I became like this when I killed your parents. So, give me the stone.
Harry: No way! You’re the villain!
Voldemort: If you disobey me I’ll just make Quirrell kill you and take the stone for myself.
Harry: I’ll never give you the stone! Do you hear me, NEVER!
Voldemort: Quirrell, be a dear and kill Harry for me.
Quirrell: Yes, master....
[Quirrell grabs Harry but his hand starts to burn and!]
Harry: Wow, how did I do that!?
Quirrell: Gary Stu magic- NOOOOOOOOOO!
Voldemort: Just be lucky this isn’t the movie- you’d be turning to stone right about now!
Harry: Eat this! [Touches Quirrell’s face] Touch... touch... touch....
Quirrell: I’m dying! Help me!
Voldemort: What can I do I’m just a head...?!
[Eventually Harry passes out]
[He wakes up with Dumbledore in the Hospital Wing]
Harry: Oh, it’s you, Dumbledore.... Listen, about the Sorcerer’s Stone....
Dumbledore: It’s been destroyed.
Harry: But... doesn’t that mean your friend Nicholas Flamel will die?
Dumbledore: Yes but it’s okay, I brainwashed him and his wife to feel as though death was a good thing. I do that all the time!
Harry: Okay....
Dumbledore: In fairness to myself, nobody really wants to live forever except Voldemort- it’s rather scary even to a completely sane person. Anyway, did you see all this candy your friends got you? You have tons of admirers, don’t you know? And you deserve them all- you’re the most special person in the whole wide world!
Harry: Wow, that’s awesome! By the way, can’t Voldemort come back?
Dumbledore: That’s what I wondered at first too, but I heard that there were sequels, so I think he’ll be coming back in one of those.
Harry: So why did Quirrell die when he touched me?
Dumbledore: Your mother’s love protected you from him, basically. Isn’t it wonderful how love can enable you to kill someone? Pay attention to that- it’ll be a recurring theme in later stories. By the way, it was the love of your mother in particular that’s so super special awesome as to cause something like that. Certainly Navel’s mother couldn’t possibly have loved her son that much. Nor could anyone else’s, especially not a slimy Slytherin’s.
Harry: Oh, and also, Quirrell said something about how Snape doesn’t want me dead. My tiny mind is blown- tell me how that makes any sense!
Dumbledore: What you must understand, Harry, is that your father and Snape were enemies in the same way that you and Draco were. Note that I am not possibly implying that your father was in any way a sadistic jerk or that Snape was in any way a victim. No, your father saved Snape’s life and so he wanted to repay him by protecting you just this once. Yup, that’s all there is to it. Take it from me, Harry- nobody can be both unpleasant and good!
Harry: Wow, thanks for clarifying! I thought it was too much that Snape could actually be a good man! But how did I get the stone in the first place.
Dumbledore: You got the stone because you didn’t want to use it for anything. The actual desire to put something to use is a reprehensible thing- you will only remain truly pure by doing things because someone tells you you’re meant to. Aren’t you glad you’re not an ambitious slimy Slytherin, Harry?!
Harry: Ah... yeah....
[Anyway, then Dumbledore leaves and Ron and Hermione come in. Harry tells them the story of what he’d been through.]
Hermione: So, Dumbledore came to rescue you as we left.
Ron: By the way, Dumbledore’s crazy.
Harry: No, don’t you see?! He just wanted us to be able to face Voldemort when we were ready!
Ron: Anyway, I heard Slytherin’s won the House Cup. Oh, well. We lost the game against Ravenclaw because you weren’t playing, see. Only you can possibly win at Quidditch!
[After Ron and Hermione leave, Harry gets some sleep. When he wakes up, Hagrid is in.]
Hagrid: Oh, Harry, I’m so sorry I told that man I didn’t even know how to get past Fluffy, and got you in trouble! Aren’t I just the worst teacher ever?
Harry: It’s alright- we all got away!
Hagrid: Oh, wake up, Harry, even you are eventually going to have to admit that I’m a terrible teacher and person! [Lightens up] But, until then, can you ever forgive me?
Harry: Oh, sure, Hagrid! After all, you were nice to me!
Hagrid: And look, I even got you something extra-special!
[Hagrid hands Harry a book containing photos of him as a baby with his parents.]
Harry: Thank you so much for this book of my perfect, saintly parents! You’re the best, Hagrid!
[So, Harry goes down to the end-of-year feast, where the Great Hall is decorated with Slytherin-themed trappings.]
Dumbledore: So, I know all of you are just itching to know the results for the House Cup. As it currently stands, Gryffindor is in last and Slytherin is in first. That much we know, right? Right. But, I have some last-minute points to award. So, fifty points shall go to Gryffindor Ron Weasley for being Harry’s friend and proving he’s not just a dead weight- only time will tell how long that will last.... Fifty points will go to Gryffindor Hermione Granger for being the smartest student in the entire school, even smarter than the Ravenclaws.... Sixty points will go to Harry Potter, because he’s the hero of this story and whatever he does deserves to be showered with praise.... Oh, and, hell, I’ll also award ten points to Mr. Navel Longbottom for actually doing something. We all knew you had it in you! Would you look at that- Gryffindor wins! Sorry, Hufflepuffs, you are the new losers!
Sprout: Again...?
[The hall changes to now have Gryffindor-themed trappings.]
Hufflepuffs: We really shouldn’t be standing for this now that we’re in last place, but let’s cheer anyway because at least Slytherin hasn’t won again!
Snape: *Cry* I left the Death Eaters for this?
[In due time, the students all head home for the summer.]
Harry: The Dursleys don’t know that I’m not allowed to use magic over the holidays- I shall totally get back at them for all the abuse they have heaped on me in the past!
Ron and Hermione: Good-bye, Harry!
Mrs. Weasley: Good-bye, Harry!
Ginny: Marry me, Harry!
[And Harry returns to the Dursleys for another summer.]
END OF BOOK #1 ABRIDGED!!
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